If I'm gonna be honest here, not a fan of the Kirby anime, (Kirby Right back at Ya, if you're not aware), The characters? Flat and non-interesting at best, stupid and unbearable at worst. The jokes? Only one in about 1,000 hit, the rest miss harder than a drunken lobotomized sniper assigned to kill a guy standing in 2 ft. front of him.
Anyway, I'll start from the beginning, so you can understand why I'm ranting about the Kirby anime.
I'm Jon Nicolas Simon, (Call me Nic) 15, and NEVER going out on Friday the 13th. Why?
Well, let's just say I messed up, big time. How bad was it?
Well, "The Entire Year of 2017" bad. Not Kidding.
So, to start off this train wreck, I'll have to go back to how this all started.
I decided to sit down to watch some of the show, why? Well last I saw it was around 2004 or 2005 and I wanted to see if it was somehow any better than I remembered, and to be fair, some of the episodes were decent, it's just the bad for me overshadowed the good.
After my viewing session, I came to one conclusion:
This was waste of my time.
And because I was watching till 10:00pm at night, I was tired as hell, leaning back in my chair.
I closed my eyes for one second, then fell back.
What happened next, you could've sworn I went insane.
My room vanished around me, I was falling down a vortex of blue, cyan, dark blue, and symbols flying past me, binary whizzing by.
I saw holograms of planets go and come constantly, still it stopped on an earth like planet.
"Hope you have fun…" A computerized voice tells me.
"Wait what?!" I ask before being launched at the planet.
"No no no no no no!"
I had to close my eyes to shield them from the blinding light.
I opened my eyes to see blue, that was it, then I blinked,
and saw the ground.
I'm falling.
I Blinked again.
The ground was closer and was what seemed to be a mix of green, brown, beige, yellow, blue, and purple things on the ground.
Yep, I'm falling.
What I saw before landing was a bunch of beige things surrounding a yellow star.
"AHHHHHHHHH-"
Then, I crashed.
When I regained consciousness, first thing I saw was, to put it bluntly: A Blue Penguin, and a Purple Snail.
"What the hell?" I asked, slowly getting into a sitting up position while wiping off the dirt off my jacket.
"Hey, it talks," The Blue penguin says, surprised. "What is it?"
"I'm not sure sire." The snail beside him said.
I hear them talking as I take a moment to stand up take in my surroundings, or to be more accurate, what's surrounding me.
What I saw was clay people, talking/staring, the few that stand out, were the ones with feet, and seemed the most intrigued about what's in front of them.
"What should we do it?" "What is it?" "It's weird." Were among the things I had heard before a noticed the star thing again, which appeared more like a kind-of spaceship which recently crashed.
"Uh hey, the star thing is doing something." I pointed out removing most of the attention off me and on to the star shaped ship, compressed air escaping as it began opening.
People leaned in to see what could come out, what did was a pink ball with a face and red feet, falling out of the ship into a small indent in the ground, unable to move.
"It's a space Invader" The penguin thing yelled. I just stared at him in confusion.
"Mash it with your mallet!" The snail said.
A girl ran up to defend the pink thing from the penguin's mallet, which came out of god knows where.
"No! Don't! The girl shouted. "We don't know where it came from."
She walked out over to it. "Are you a space alien?"
Suddenly, the pink ball shook itself out from the hole onto its feet.
But the pink ball was sent careening over the cliff anyway.
I looked up at the penguin.
"What the hell?" I yelled, everyone returned their gaze to me. "In your mind, something weird comes along, you decide to send the damn thing careening over a cliff, or just smash it with a mallet?"
"Who are you to question what his majesty does or doesn't do?" The snail asked me.
"Someone with rational thought! I don't send weird things over cliffs upon seeing them." I respond.
The penguin, seemingly pissed yells at me: "I order you to tell me who you are!"
"Smarter than you" I blurt out.
And It was at that point I realized, everyone was giving me the 'you're about to die, please run' look.
"What?" I ask in confusion.
"You need to learn to respect your superiors!" The snail tells me.
"You need to learn to laugh at them, especially if they're a major suck up." I retort.
"You're under arrest for having a smart mouth towards his majesty, King Dedede!" He growled at me, with the penguin looking smug.
"Wait. That's the king?" I asked pointing at the penguin.
"Yes." The snail answered.
I burst out laughing, "Are you kidding me? Haha!"
"King" Dedede seemingly had enough, pulled out his mallet to attack me.
He attempted to swing at me, I ducked and kicked him in the shin, leaving him on the ground, writhing in pain.
"I'm gonna take my leave if you don't mind!" I said to the stunned faces as I back up outta there and run to the town I see in the distance.
Maybe I could hide there!
On my way to the village, I hear the snail yell out at the top of his lungs.
"Waddle Dees, get that boy!"
Oh goddamnit!
I run past other villagers saying: "Out of the way, crazed penguin trying to kill me!"
I continue running, until I trip over a twig, yeah that's embarrassing.
I managed to get up and hide inside a cafe, and hid in the kitchen, heard the King tell the snail, whom he called Escargoon (what kind of name is that?) to check the cafe, due to me not closing the door.
I leaped out the window, looked back, and thought,
The roof.
And climbed up and made my way over at least three houses before tripped and caused bricks to fall of the roof knocking out on of the "king's" workers, unfortunately, they spotted me.
"Hey, he's up there! Get him!" The king yelled, and his little soldiers started throwing spears at me as I ran over rooftops, though they were terrible at aiming.
"Your workers or whatever they are, suck at aiming." I say mockingly.
Little did I realize that there weren't any more roofs, thus I feel down to the ground, I quickly got back up and started running again.
I saw a police station I could barricade myself in.
Little did I realize that the door was a bit too short for me,
I was running full speed into the door, slamming my forehead into the door frame, falling to the ground...again.
Embarrassing, I know.
"Ow, what the fu-"
I was cut off from a mallet to the face knocking me out.
I wake up in a cell, which seems to be in a wine cellar, due to the smell of stale wine.
"Hello? Anyone?" I called out, hoping someone would hear me.
I tugged at the cell door hoping to break out.
I then got the idea to use a paper clip to pick the lock.
I searched all my pockets in search of something to help me break out of this seriously depressing cell, I instead found my phone, I fished it out of my pocket.
"Come on, come on. Dammit no bars!" I tighten my grip on my phone in anger.
"This is just great, first I land here in weird land, that pink thing goes off the cliff- "
Wait, the pink thing was familiar, was it…
Then it came to me, like a flaming semi-truck falling on my face. The people I was earlier were the cliched, annoying and idiotic characters whom I hated.
My eyes widened. I dropped my phone.
And on top of that, I was now in the overly clichéd, formulaic, and most figgin' stupid show to ever come out of 4Kids.
In response to the realization, I screamed at the top of my lungs:
"SON OF A BITCH!"
It's then I see 5 shadows come from the stairwell, the figures reveal themselves as the kids from earlier, along with two floating spheres (one blue, the other pink with a bow) and Kirby.
"We want answers, first off who are you? What are you? What are you doing here?" She asks.
"I'm the jackass locked in a cell which smells of stale wine." I said sarcastically.
"Well sis, maybe he doesn't need to be let out of his cozy little cage." The boy teased.
"You're an evil little boy, you know?' I said. "I respect that."
"Answers." The girl said.
"My name's Nic, I'm a human from earth, and I landed here thanks to a giant blue vortex, don't ask how though cuz' I got no idea. Does that answer your questions uh...?"
"Tiff, my name's Tiff." She responds in a slightly snobbish manner.
"And you guys?" I ask as I point to the rest of them.
"I'm Tuff," the boy said, pointing to himself.
"And we're Fololo," stated the blue floating ball, "and Falala!" stated the pink floating ball.
"Fascinating," I say sarcastically with a mocking smile, "And this thing?" I pointed at the pink thing.
"That's Kirby." Stated Tiff.
"Poyo!" Kirby exclaimed, seemingly delighted at the sound of his name.
Their faces widened, seemingly believing they did something wrong, even Kirby was in slight shock.
I just realized I swore in front of (seemingly) little kids.
"I'm sorry, I just had a little realization, why are you guys here?" I asked, slightly exhausted.
Tuff pulls out a ring with keys on it.
"And there's my answer." I state as Tuff unlock the cell.
"We were hoping to invite you to a dinner party to welcome Kirby." Tiff states.
I think about it. "Oh, what the hell, sure."
They lead the way out of the cellar.
I sat on a stool next to Tiff and Tuff, looking around at the other people occupying the other seats, who were either focus on me or on Kirby.
Me? I was looking at all the food, which looked admittingly pretty good.
The Mayor (or who i assumed was the mayor) stood up and said something on Kirby's behalf, I wasn't really paying attention.
Then the mayor, along with everyone else turned their attention to me.
"And as mayor of Cappy Town, I speak for "everyone" when I say we're proud to welcome our guest..."
"Nic." I finished his sentence, aware of his somewhat reluctance to welcome me.
"We gonna eat?" I asked.
And out of nowhere, Kirby inhaled all the food, along with the plates, cups and silverware, after which he spit out the plates, cups, etc.
There was at least 10 seconds of silence before I said:
"Someone please tell me that didn't just happen." I said, not expecting answer. "Yep, that really just happened." Said the "Cappy" in the officer outfit.
Kirby then casually walked out like nothing happened, with Tiff, Tuff, and Fololo and Falala following close behind.
"Screw it, I got nothing else to do today." I said as I got up to go after them.
I followed them out to a field covered with the bones of sheep.
"Holy hell." I say in response to the sight. "What happened, and why wasn't i here to record it?"
"Kirby, did you do this?" Tiff asks Kirby.
"Well based off what happened at the dinner, this isn't so farfetched. Just saying."
"Maybe Kirby is the monster." Falala said in her high-pitched voice.
"Well, we can't stay here, come on! Tiff said as she grabbed Kirby's hand (or stub, I really don't know what it is) and lead us to a garden shed.
Once all of us were in, I slammed the door shut, and locked it.
"You are the one who ate all those sheep aren't you?" Tuff accused.
"If you tell us the truth Kirby, maybe we can help you." Assured Tiff.
"Tiff, you're not a psychiatrist, how would you help, taping his mouth shut?" I joked.
"Why'd you come along if all you're going to do is criticize me?"
"I'd rather be here than in a house full of living cookie dough!" I stated rather harshly.
We began hearing voices from outside. "Hey, let's check out that shack!"
Then another replied with what could barely called English: "Adakajvkjivjfsfhah."
"The hell?" I ask loudly. "Was that English?"
Tiff ignored me and put a sack over Kirby's head in a weak attempt to hide him.
Just in time as the door was kicked down and two figures approached us, both clad in armor.
"It's Tiff," Said the Taller one.
"DaijfkjTuff" Completed the other.
"Uh, hi Sword, Hi Blade." Tiff said in a voice so suspicious, ANYONE could tell something was up.
"Wait that's their names? Seriously?" I ask on the verge of laughing.
"What are you two doing here?" Tiff asked, sounding a little more confident.
"Zaeifjnoiefjfking."
"We're looking for a bloke named Kirby," The taller one said.
"Sorry mate, Kirby ain't here. Maybe you could check Australia, and while you're at it, check your friend's throat, there might be a coffee mug shoved down there." Imitating the taller one's accent.
It was the second time that day I was given the 'you're about to die, please run' look.
But before he could stab me to death, a third knight approached us, with the other two kneel (if they could, with the lack of legs) at his presence.
The third knight seemed quite intimidating, despite his short size.
The knight then unsheathed a shiny gold sword and stabbed the sack Kirby was hiding under, still looking completely oblivious.
"So, it is true" The knight said in response to seeing Kirby. (I think)
By a twirl of his blue cape, the knight turned and toke his leave, Tiff began to give chase and the others, including myself followed.
I really didn't want to be in a dark room with two pissed off knights was swords.
"Please Meta Knight," Tiff pleaded.
Tuff finished for her, "Don't tell the king."
Who names their kid Meta Knight?
"The king is not our problem," He said, still with his back to us, "Now we have to find the real monster."
Then we heard a loud noise, akin to a giant explosion, coming from the castle, with smoke escaping out one of the broken windows.
Kirby began running towards the castle, seemingly in response to the explosion.
"Even I'm not that stupid to run towards an explosion!" I say in response to Kirby's questionable decision.
One of the knights was about to contradict me, but I raised my hand to stop him, 'I know what you're going to say, so don't."
We all ran to the throne room (I think...) to see Dedede (no way in hell I'm calling him a king after locking me in a damn cellar)
"Kirby!" Tiff shouted, but the king knocked Kirby into the air with his mallet, with glowing eyes, (surprised no one noticed)
During Kirby's beating from the jerkass King, I wondered why no one ran in to help him.
I noticed a star fell out of Dedede's pocket, which fell by my feet.
The hell's this? I thought as I picked up the yellow star.
"Get away!" We heard as we were (somehow) pushed away from a falling pillar.
Seriously, how did Meta Knight push three people at once, is he on steroids?
"I guess this mean you're with us?' I ask.
"Look out!" Meta Knight said, pointing out to a fish tank, with a squid swimming around in it.
And said squid was growing exponentially.
"What the hell." Were the only words I could muster.
"That's the monster that ate all the sheep!" Tuff yelled.
"Yes, and now it has taken control of the king!" Meta Knight said.
"Really?" I said sarcastically. "Haven't noticed!"
The octopus burst through the ceiling and curled itself around the top of the castle, and it's several towers.
Tiff, Tuff, and I ran through the castle, trying to escape the giant monster trying to kill us, with one of the tentacles catching up at great speed, blocking our path.
"Welp, we're dead." I say, right before Kirby jumps in front of us. "Oh, I feel so safe." I say sarcastically, with my voice slightly cracking, due me being scared shitless.
(If you were in this situation, you'd be scared too, plus I saw a documentary on how octopuses eat their food, disturbing shit!)
Then, little octopi started flowing from the giant one's suckers.
To shorten the next part, Kirby got the shit kicked out of him, and the star I had was the warp star, the source of Kirby's power.
Kirby was running from the octopus, but it seemed to lose interest in Kirby. How do I know?
I was staring me down, with glowing red eyes, most likely with the intent to kill.
"Uh Hi?" I said, waving my hand at it, trying to sound smug, I was scared as all hell.
The others, while still concerned about Kirby, stayed behind due to the monster's change in behavior.
"What's going on?" Tiff asked Meta Knight, terrified.
"I'm not sure," Meta Knight replied. "Something must be drawing the monster to Nic."
"What?!" I screamed at Meta Knight. My attention then almost immediately switched back to the monster and It began to lung itself at me.
I began running down a nearby corridor, running for me life, while asking, "Why me, why me, why me?!"
The others chased in pursuit, me? I was running like hell!
The chase had me running up a flight of stairs to a tower, as I was running up the stairs to the balcony, I tripped over a tentacle blocking my way,
and the star I had in my hand almost flew over the balcony, had I not caught it.
I looked up, to see I was in view of Kirby who was in a very similar situation, but with no escape.
Kirby looked over to me, still holding on to the star, which began glowing, he seemed delighted to see it, despite the situation.
Kirby repeats what he did at the dinner table, and inhales at the little octopuses, as well as everything else that wasn't nailed down.
"He's never full, is he?" I asked to no one as I straightened my hair. "Seems so." Someone responded.
I turned around to see Tiff, Tuff, and the others looking at me. "How long have you been there?" I asked.
"Long enough." Tuff answered.
"Inhale is Kirby's natural defense." Meta Knight (who came literally out of freaking nowhere).
"Where'd you come from?" I asked him.
The octopus sent more minions (that's what i'll call them) to attack Kirby, and its focus, once again shifted to me.
"Goddammi-" I got cut off as a tentacle smashed down on the balcony we were standing on as I fell down on to a nearby roof.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, and ow!" I said as I tried to stand up.
"You okay?" Tiff asked concerned.
"I fell down at least 10 feet, I'm fine." I said sarcastically.
The octopus attempted to attack me with its tentacles but failed due to me dodging the attacks and me running the HELL away from that shit!
The only reason I got away is that more minions were summoned and Kirby, instead of inhaling them, did this pretty cool spin kick thing, sending them flying,
and a few of them hit the tentacle chasing after me, giving me time to escape.
As i'm running I notice Kirby trying to get my attention, gesturing me to throw the star towards him.
"You sure?" I shout to Kirby. "Poyo!" He shouted back.
I'll take that as a yes.
I throw the best I could toward him, but instead off the star flying towards Kirby, I (and everyone else) watch as it goes careening over the castles walls into a moat with a splash upon contact with the water.
Everyone looks back at me, including the monster.
"Right, I suck at throwing." I say in realization.
Just then, the warp star zooms up past me and back to Kirby, the wind speed of the star shaped projectile causing me to lose my balance and fall back a bit, and his attention shifts back from my failure at throwing to the Octopus monster, who was sending out for of his minions.
Just as he Inhales the octopus's minions once more, gaining a hat, which was LITERALLY ON FIRE.
"How does that not hurt?" I ask to no one.
He jumps up into the air and lands onto the star, which increased in size, and allowed him to fly.
He used the star to evade the monster's attacks and chase around the castle rooftops.
Kirby leads the octopus away from me, blasting it with fire, starting a struggling as it was blasting it's own fire back at Kirby, but eventually Kirby overpowered the monster,
shooting it into the sky, causing it to explode.
I realize I still had my phone on me. "Dammit I could've recorded that!" I yelled.
Kirby flips up into the air, and lands next to me with his hate gone.
I hear Tiff, Tuff, Fololo, and Falala celebrating at Kirby's victory.
In the background, I heard Dedede say something about a refund, but I was to relive to care.
I looked down at Kirby. "You're not so bad," I say to Kirby, delighting him. "For someone whose eight inches tall."
The Next morning, (Tiff's family allowed me to sleep on their couch for the night) Kirby's ship had been repaired by god knows what force of nature.
Tiff, Tuff, and a few people from the village were there to say goodbye to Kirby.
"I wished you could have stayed longer Kirby," Tiff said.
"Poyo." Kirby said softly, he turned around and was about get in his ship.
"Look at it this way, maybe he's going somewhere he could learn how to speak properly!" I said jokingly.
Kirby in response push a button on his ship's control panel to bump into me, causing me to fall over.
"Funny, very funny" I said getting back up.
"I hate long goodbyes so just go!" Tiff said turning her back.
"Wow Tiff, you're nice." I turned to Kirby "See ya,"
As Kirby's ship goes over the hill, I see Dedede, and Escargoon in a tank, in the way of Kirby's Ship as it began drifting into the air.
If I'm remembering correctly.
I quickly pull out my phone to take a video.
I see Escargoon fire a canon at Kirby's ship sending it flying down causing an explosion.
I saved the video and saw Dedede chasing Kirby around with his mallet.
"Perfect timing."
I went to check out the damage and saw Tiff, and the others standing by Kirby, so I plopped down next to him.
"Well Kirby, just like me, looks like you're stuck here." I said to him.
"You wanna live with us?" Tiff asked Kirby.
"Kaabi! Kaabi!" Kirby shouted.
Tiff then looked over to me.
"Hey Nic," I looked over to her. "Wanna stay with us?"
"Sure, why not?" I said, right before Kirby gave me hug.
"Seems like Kirby likes you." Tuff said.
I sighed.
At this point, what's the worst that could happen?