AN: Speculation fic for The Silo (9x07). Contains spoilers for sneak peeks and interviews with Daniela Ruah and Eric Christian Olsen.
"Well, if it isn't the person of the hour!" Sam said as Kensi entered the bullpen.
"Hour?" She bumped the fist he offered. "Pretty sure I just averted nuclear Armageddon. I think that earns me at least person of the day."
"I don't know, Kens. Much of what went down today was classified, beyond even our clearance. You're going to have a hard time getting 'day' status," Callen teased. "But we hear you did good."
Looking around the area, Kensi didn't see Deeks. The uneasy feeling that began when she wasn't immediately engulfed in his arms upon entering the mission grew. She allowed Callen to give her a brief hug and heard running from upstairs. Kensi turned and was disappointed to see that it was Eric and Nell.
"Kensi! We're so glad you're all right!" Eric said as he pulled her into a quick but strong embrace.
"Hey lady, nice work," said Nell with a smile and a light knock to the shoulder.
"Where's Deeks?" Kensi wanted to know, but didn't get an answer because Mosley walked in.
"Welcome back, Agent Blye. And yes, good job today. I'd like to debrief you before you leave later." Kensi nodded. "How about now?"
"Can I have a few minutes? I'd like to check in with my partner," she looked around the bullpen again, taking in her team, "If anyone knows where he is."
"The gym," Nell said softly.
"Find me when you're done," Mosley said before walking away.
Kensi was unsurprised to find Deeks at the punching bag. She was a little taken aback that he continued to pound it as she approached him, not even acknowledging her presence. He was aware she was in the room; she'd spotted the subtle shift in his posture before she made it down the stairs. "Hey," she said gently by way of greeting when he continued to ignore her.
"Hi." He didn't stop what he was doing.
"Deeks, I'm sorry –" she began before he cut her off.
"How many times?" He probably shouldn't have started this way, but memories of too many recent events were running rampant through his mind.
"What?"
Deeks struck the bag harder, keeping his eyes on what he was doing. "How many times am I going to have to be terrified that I'm about to lose you? Because to be honest, Kens, it's wearing kind of thin."
Kensi didn't know what to say. It wasn't a fair question. They put their lives on the line nearly every day, but she'd come frighteningly close to death three times in the past year or so alone, and she knew it hadn't been easy on Deeks. She could only hope his anger was grounded in his fear for her. "I'm okay, baby."
"I'm not." He grabbed the sides of the bag with his gloved hands and studied a spot on the far wall. As relieved as he'd been when he heard Kensi was alive and well, Deeks was still unable to suppress the anger he experienced when she refused to leave the missile launch control facility. He felt somewhat guilty for not holding onto Kensi instead of a punching bag, but he needed to get this off his chest.
She was glad for the relative silence. Deeks was still breathing hard, but Kensi found it easier to think without the pounding of his fists keeping pace with the pounding of her heart. She laid a hand on his forearm, and he shifted his glance there. "What can I do?"
"For starters, you can try thinking of me and the life we're planning the next time you decide to go on a suicide mission." It was probably a low blow, but Deeks couldn't help himself.
If he really believed she hadn't, Kensi was worried about where this discussion was headed. "Deeks, you have to know I didn't make that decision lightly."
"So let me just clarify, then. You admit you thought about me and the family we want to have one day but just decided to throw it all away."
"Of course I thought about you! You were on my mind the whole time, Deeks. All I wanted was to come home to you today, to wake up next to you tomorrow, and be one day closer to our happily ever after. I wasn't throwing anything away. But baby, I couldn't just let nuclear missiles launch when I knew I could do something to stop them."
Kensi realized her voice had grown louder and she was on the edge of yelling. The last thing she wanted was for this to deteriorate into an argument rather than the very uncomfortable conversation it already was. Her tone was softer when she said, "I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had gotten in a car and driven away."
Deeks shut his eyes and let out a slow breath. He knew that. He also figured he would have done the same thing in her place, and knew Kensi did too. Deeks supposed he should be grateful she hadn't brought it up.
But he couldn't let go of the negative emotions just yet. Probably because images of himself identifying Kensi's remains, telling Julia she was dead, and trying to go on day after day without her next to him continued to flash in his mind's eye, much the way they did while he waited to hear of her fate. "Why did you hang up on me?" he asked because it was another thing that had pissed him off. She had taken away what little control he could pretend to have.
"I was afraid I would let you talk me out of what I had to do."
Deeks' eyes snapped open but still refused to land on Kensi. He knew that if he caught so much as a glimpse of her beautiful, sad face, he would have grabbed hold of her and possibly never let go. He'd been right, years ago when they were still in the midst of figuring out their thing, when he remarked to his partner that he was fearless because he didn't have to worry about anyone else. So why did she get to take this risk without worrying about leaving him behind?
While Deeks never regretted their relationship, he hated this aspect of it. His love for Kensi, his fear for her, could cripple him if he let it. So instead, he lashed out again. "That's right, because there was no one else who could have risked their life this time?"
"No, Deeks, there was no one else," she said calmly. "That's why I couldn't let you change my mind. With the exception of Miller's sister, a civilian and an emotional wreck, I was literally the only person there who could physically access the one chance we had for stopping the launch of fifty nuclear missiles."
He paced away from her and kept his focus on the floor. Deeks' back was still turned away from her when he said, "Even if it meant sacrificing yourself in the process."
The fact that Deeks wouldn't make eye contact with her scared Kensi more than his words and the resignation with which he spoke them. The last time that happened they were in the emergency room after she had to leave him, bloodied and in pain, tied to a chair in a warehouse. He'd felt betrayed because she chose the mission over him, and all they'd shared by that time was a kiss. He hadn't been wrong, although he realized she'd nonetheless made the right call too.
Kensi recognized his refusal to look at her now as indicative of the same feeling of being passed over and not good enough. It was four years later and they were everything to each other, so her seeming betrayal must be infinitely more painful. She needed to make this right somehow. "Sweetheart? Please look at me."
Deeks worked off the boxing gloves and dropped them on the floor before he turned. He wouldn't meet her eyes, but at least he seemed to be looking in the general area of her feet.
Kensi took a step forward and spoke softly. "Yes, even if it meant potentially sacrificing myself. I'm so sorry, Deeks. I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. I wasn't putting the job ahead of you. I was putting the lives of all the people who would have died today ahead of my own. I hope you can understand that."
He seemed to deflate. Deeks' shoulders dropped and his head, if it was possible, fell even further toward his chest. He let out another slow breath and raised his eyes to her right hand, which was gripping her left side, the arm secured tightly across her abdomen in a protective stance. His own hand found the back of his neck and scratched an imaginary itch. "I get that, Kensi. I do. But I'm just so damned mad at you right now for almost dying on me again."
Kensi nodded her understanding. "I told you that you were in my thoughts the entire time. But not just you. You and Athena Princess Sunshine Deeks, and all of our tomorrows. I kept you both in the back of my mind because I needed something to keep me calm and brave, something to look forward to. So yeah, it was dangerous, and possibly a suicide mission, and I called to say goodbye just in case. But I succeeded in my task because I had you to come back to, Deeks."
His anger was finally on the verge of subsiding. He loved this woman with all his heart. One of the things Deeks admired most about Kensi, and had since they first became partners, was her willingness to sacrifice for others, and yes, even for the job. That she was standing in front of him again, reminding him future they wanted together, was what was important now. He wanted to hold her, to comfort them both, but he was sweaty and smelled bad. Deeks knew Kensi wouldn't care, but he did. "I need a shower. Can we finish this later?"
Kensi was startled by the abrupt end to their conversation. She wasn't sure if Deeks needed space to finish decompressing or was blowing her off. She was afraid to hear the answer, but asked the question anyway, "Are we okay? Are we going to be okay?"
Deeks cast a quick glance at her as he walked toward the locker room, looking everywhere but at her eyes, otherwise he would have succumbed to his desire. "We'll figure it out. We always do."
Deeks was waiting outside, leaning against the driver's side of the Audi when she exited the mission. Kensi's heart stuttered in relief; the smallest part of her feared he would hitch a ride home with Callen or Sam and start packing his things while she was debriefing with Mosley. He'd said they'd work through this, but Kensi was afraid he would change his mind when she left him alone with his own thoughts once more. She was glad now that she'd taken the extra few minutes before shutting down her laptop on her way out.
He looked up at her. Actually looked at her, for the first time since she was sent on another secret assignment that almost ended disastrously. Kensi was stopped short by his eyes. Tears pooled in them, but they were the beautiful, clear blue that she loved to find gazing into her own, not the ones darkened by anger and fear. "Hey," she said again, because she wasn't sure what to expect.
Deeks offered her a small smile, held out a hand and said, "Come here."
Kensi didn't remember taking the steps, but she must have because the next thing she knew, she was in his firm embrace. Deeks' arms wound around her, one across the middle of her back and the other at her shoulders, allowing his hand to run up and down her hair. His lips alternated between murmuring words she could barely hear and kissing the top of her head. Kensi's own arms and hands splayed out across Deeks' back, touching as much of him as she could while the side of her face pressed into his chest. This was the reunion she'd been anticipating as she was being driven back here this afternoon. This was what she needed, what they both needed.
The dread that had coiled deep in her chest upon seeing how upset Deeks had been with her came undone, and with it a steady stream of tears that Kensi did nothing to contain. Drawing and releasing a deep breath, Kensi allowed herself to begin to relax against her fiancé's strong frame.
For his part, Deeks was finally without fear and anger for the first time since he found out Kensi's life was in danger. He rushed through his shower only to find she was locked in Granger's old office with their AED. He came out here to get some fresh air when the dissipated anger threatened to turn into tears of relief. He'd succeeded in keeping them at bay until Kensi came out, but now he let them flow freely.
"I'm so proud of you, Kensi," he said into her hair. "And so happy that you made it out of there and back to me. I'm sorry those weren't the first words –"
"No," she interrupted. "You don't ever need to apologize for how you feel, Deeks. I get it. I probably would have reacted the same way. I'm sorry for making you worry like that, for almost…"
"Hey, look at me," Deeks placed his hands on the sides of her head and tilted her face up. He used his thumbs to clear the paths left by her tears. Locking his eyes with hers, he said, "I love you, and nothing will ever change that."
Kensi nodded her acceptance of the truth of his statement, "Me too," she said before she found his lips on hers. They stood there, safe in each other's arms, allowing their subsequent kisses to remind themselves of what was important, what they'd come too close to losing today.
Deeks, mindful that they were still on NCIS property, and therefore being recorded, finally pulled away and placed his forehead against Kensi's. "Ready to get out of here?"
"Actually, no," Kensi said, stepping out of his hold. "There's something I want to talk about before we leave."
"Okay," Deeks said, surprised. But he was unwilling to fully let go of her, so he ran his fingers down the length of her arms until he reached and grasped her hands.
"I was thinking about this is in the gym, and I wanted to say it then, but I was afraid you'd think I was just trying to placate you. And that's not it at all." Confident Deeks accepted that as she intended it, Kensi continued, "I want you to know and trust without any doubt that I would never choose NCIS over you."
Deeks' eyebrows rose at Kensi's declaration. While he believed her, another part of him recognized that this job was so much a part of who Kensi was that even if he found he came second in that line-up, he doubted he could hold it against her. "I do know that," he assured her.
"Maybe," she said. "But I feel like I need to prove it to you. And doing what I did today came across as pretty much the opposite of that." She smiled, "So you just say the word, and I will go right back inside and tender my resignation to Mosley."
"What? No! Kens, I know how much you love your job. I could never ask you to leave NCIS."
"I know you wouldn't, baby. Which is why I'm offering." At his still shocked expression, she explained, "You've said you're thinking it's almost time for you to quit. You've asked me before when I might be ready to get out. And I didn't know, other than that it wasn't then. But here's the thing, Deeks. I'm not sure when that's going to be. It's like I'm waiting for some bell to go off in my head, like an alarm, that says, 'Okay Blye, time to go make babies now,' but maybe you should be that signal. After all, you're the one I'm going to be making those babies with."
"Kensi, listen. This is an incredible gesture, and I can't tell you what it means to me that you made it. But I wouldn't ask you to leave NCIS any more than you would ask me to leave LAPD. We respect each other too much for that, and I'm pretty sure we both know that it could lead to bitterness down the road."
"I agree, Deeks. If you had asked me to resign, and if I had done it for you, I probably would have come to resent you one day. But I'm saying I'm ready to go when you are. I might get there on my own before you, but if you get there first, I'll accept a little nudge from my partner. You tell me it's time, that you're really done with thinking about losing me, and I'll hand in my notice." She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a folded envelope. Holding it out to him she said, "I'm serious about this, babe. You jump, I jump."
Deeks took the paper and opened it. He read her letter of resignation. Not a quick little message saying only what it needed to, but a lengthier missive detailing the reason she joined NCIS, why she stayed after solving the mystery of her father's death, her pride at having found a home with the elite OSP team, and finally her rationale for leaving. He had to read that last paragraph twice:
While I know there is more I could still accomplish with the Office of Special Projects, I feel a pull toward a greater undertaking. Another gift NCIS has given me is a partner, both at work and in life. We are ready, after dedicating the past several years of our lives to making the world a safer place, to make our corner of it a happier one. It is for that very personal reason that I respectfully and with great anticipation of the future, resign my position as Special Agent.
Kensi had signed it, but hadn't dated it. Deeks was stunned. She was serious. She would leave when he was ready for them to. Reading her words, he believed she meant it when she said she wouldn't resent him for it.
He nervously ran his fingers through his hair and cleared his throat. "Wow, Kensi…baby, I don't know what to say. This is…this is yeah, fantastic. I mean, it's well-written and the grammar is really good, and what am I saying? Thank you for this." He pulled her in for a quick but emotional hug. "When did you write it? Wait, never mind, that's not important. Are you sure?" he asked when he loosened his grip on her.
She smiled his favorite smile. "Positive. And I wrote it after my debriefing with Mosley, right before I came out here. But I've been thinking about it for a while now, even if I had no idea when we'd decide to use it, so the words were pretty much all there waiting to be typed." When Deeks did nothing more than continue to beam at her, Kensi said, "So?"
"So…?"
She rolled her eyes. "Am I going to put today's date on that and drop it on the AED's desk?"
Deeks was tempted to say yes. He didn't want to live through another day like today, and there had been for too many of those days lately. But realistically, they weren't prepared to move on yet. They had no plans for where to land after NCIS and LAPD. When he mentioned quitting to Kensi a few weeks ago, he had no idea what he would do next, career-wise. He still didn't, but he knew one thing for sure now. As soon as he and Kensi got home and they celebrated that she was alive, they would start to figure that out. Deeks blew out quick a breath, folded the letter and returned it to the envelope. Presenting it back to Kensi, he said, "No. Not today."
Kensi was almost disappointed. She looked at him through narrowed eyes. "You're sure about this?"
"Positive," he repeated.
"Okay then. We come back tomorrow ready to save the world again, I guess."
"We've got nothing better planned, so yeah, why not?"
Kensi laughed and pressed the envelope against his chest. "Why don't you hold on to this one? I have the document on my computer, ready to print out whenever."
"Deal," he agreed and kissed her soundly. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Let's go home."