I had to rewrite the story to flesh it up a little. There'll be a sequel called "Old Songs" with a happier ending.
HELLO AND GOODBYE
6 MONTHS AGO…
"…You know, by the time you figure it out you might be too late"
Sara, Playing with fire
TODAY
Sara hesitated before interrupting Grissom. She took a deep breath and tried to smile when she finally spoke
"Hey! You have a minute?"
Grissom looked up from his paperwork and motioned her to enter. She hesitated a little before taking a seat and then found it hard to say anything.
"Is something the matter, Sara?" he asked, a bit concerned. He knew she was worried about a recent case. Three women had been murdered after taking cabs, and the drivers had been assaulted too. It was Eckley's case, but he knew Sara was following it closely.
"I... I wanted to talk" she said nervously "About us"
He held his breath. He wasn't ready for this conversation.
"... I know there is no 'us' " she said quickly "I've come to terms with it, Grissom, and I... I'm just so sorry I gave you that ultimatum. You're my boss, I was over the line"
He didn't expect this.
"... Sara-"
"No, please" she interrupted "Just... hear me out. I miss working with you." She flushed and look away for a moment "You have been avoiding me and I hate that. If I'm not doing my job I hope you'll tell me, but if it's because of anything I've done or said…" she looked back at him "I wish I could take everything back but I can't. Believe me, if I had known that I'd lose your trust- "
"I do trust you" he interrupted
"No. You don't. Not like you used to. Look, Grissom; you may not believe this, but I knew there was something the matter with your hearing. I kept hoping you'd tell me. You didn't. I realized then that I wasn't your friend anymore."
"I didn't tell anyone-"
"You told Catherine" she snapped "You trusted her. But then, she didn't make a pass at you"
"Sara, I told her because she had to replace me for a few days" he started. He wished he could explain why he didn't tell her or anybody else for that matter: It was too personal. He didn't want to place himself in a vulnerable position, and more importantly, he didn't want people around him to treat him differently, pity him. Or change their lives because of him.
But he didn't tell her.
"So, I'd like to apologize, Grissom. For not being the friend I thought I was; for…" she took a deep breath "Can we get past all that? I like to work here. I believe I can do good but I'll need to have a good relationship with my boss" she smiled –a false, nervous smile
"Sara, I trust you." He reassured her. "You're a good CSI"
'You're my friend', he should have said but if he said that he'd immediately blurt all the things that filled his heart and threatened to come out every time he was alone with her.
"Well, good" she smiled, a little more sincerely "Thank you"
They looked at each other for a moment.
Sara waited for some sign from him but he only looked at her with wounded eyes, as if she were hurting him. That was the last thing she wanted.
"Ok, then!" she smiled brightly "See ya later" she said and practically fled from his office.
Grissom stared at the door for a long time.
He smiled and shook his head. He should laugh, really.
After all, he did try to 'figure it out'. He even started making plans.
For instance, he'd let his beard grow. He thought he'd look younger; and if he looked younger, he'd feel less silly going out with Sara. If he ever got the guts to do it, of course.
'But now it's too late' he whispered 'Goodbye, Sara.'
And he got back to his reports.
***
Sara looked around the bar and quickly chose a quiet table, where she could sit with her back to the wall. She'd never turn her back to strangers.
This was only the second time she'd come here. The first time, she'd come with Catherine after discovering that Hank was a cheater.
Both women had had a few drinks and bashed Hank and shared horror stories about men in general. They kept saying 'this happened to a friend of mine' which was true in Sara's case, though not in Catherine's. Not that she would have ever admitted it.
But they had laughed and by the end of the day Sara had been grateful to have someone to talk to.
Tonight she had come hoping for a little of that relief. She usually despised drugs and alcohol but she needed the distraction.
What she really needed was companionship, but she couldn't bring herself to call Catherine.
So here she was, nursing her first drink while reading a very graphic book on knife wounds. The kind of book that kept nice guys from asking her name- she felt uncomfortable rejecting nice guys. She didn't have any trouble saying no to nasty guys.
By her third drink she realized she didn't feel any better.
Dianne, the waitress had recognized her as Cathy's friend and had come by for small talk now and then. During her break, she came by with a glass of red wine.
"You look down, honey; what's going on?"
Sara looked up, wondering how to ask this nice person to just leave her alone... But it was a nice person after all, and a stranger, which was a plus.
"It's just…" she hesitated "I lost a friend today"
"Oh, I'm sorry, sugar!"
"Oh, he's not dead" she hurriedly said "I just lost his friendship"
Dianne thought that sounded odd. "Did he leave town?"
"Yeah" Sara lied since it was easier
"Well, let's hope he calls, uh? Keep the lines of communication open, girl."
Sara smiled politely but Dianne's words brought a wave of sadness she could only choke down with a big gulp of her drink. She was glad it was mostly melted ice now.
Lines of communication, indeed.
They had kept them open, all those years ago.
Grissom used to send her e-mails every Friday night. He'd tell her what book he was reading so she read it too and then they discussed it. She'd watch a movie and tell him and the following week he'd tell her what he thought of it. Sometimes he called while he was cleaning his ant farm and it felt almost… domestic, even if neither spoke of personal issues. They talked about cases, about science, about Greek philosophers, about History… They even exchanged cleaning tips
It was a gentle courtship. Yeah, that was the word she would have used then.
It felt as if he understood her.
It felt as if he knew of her loneliness; he understood how her brains had made her a nuisance since she was a child.
She'd never learned to be charming or make herself attractive to others; her smarts were usually seen as a threat by some students, and as a source of ridicule by the rest. Even the other geeks in the classroom had kept her out of their groups sometimes. She'd never learned to play the games that soften personalities and make people acceptable to others
She'd been isolated until a visiting Doctor en Entomology had paid attention to her and, out of a group of bright students, had started a friendship with her. It helped her believe in herself.
It gave her a little push towards a better relationship with her classmates and roommates, who started seeing her in a different light.
"Was he an old friend?" Dianne asked politely
"Oh. No. Not much" she said and smiled to herself
"Gonna miss him?"
"I guess" Sara shook her head "Things weren't too good lately. I think… I kept waiting for something-"
"Oh" Dianne said, truly concerned "You were in love with him! Oh, honey… Is he married?"
"Well… Uh, I… " She should be careful, she chided herself but the need to talk got the better of her "He isn't married but he isn't free either, he's just…"
"Oh, he has issues. Men are like that, you know? Some of them need someone to give them a clue"
"I tried. I even asked him out " Sara flushed "He didn't want to. I mean, he wanted to but didn't think he should"
"Is he older than you?"
"Yeah. A bit"
"There you go. You're probably better off without him. Older men are so set in their ways, you know. But you're pretty, you can find someone here. Well, not here, in this dump. You should get out more, stop juggling books everywhere, go out dancing!"
"Yeah" Sara smiled falsely "Yeah, that's right!" she looked at her watch "Whoa, maybe I should leave"
"Honey, want me to get you a taxi?"
"No taxis" she said, hating to feel panic "I'll call someone, I'll…" she closed her eyes "You know something pathetic? I don't know who to call"
"What about a neighbor? Or a coworker? Should I call Cathy?"
Catherine came quickly, afraid that she'd have to help Sara walk; she was relieved that Sara wasn't that drunk.
"I'm so sorry, Catherine. I wasn't going to call you except that I can't drive, and I won't get in a cab, not after that damn murder-"
"Hey, no problem. Though I'm glad I won't have to drag you. Thanks, Dianne!" she waved at her friend.
Catherine had been amused at first but as they settled in her car she got serious "I hope you don't think you can drown your worries away, Sara." She sighed "It's not Hank again, is it?"
"NO!" Sara said indignantly "It's Grissom!"
Catherine gaped and burst into laughs as Sara muttered 'damn' and covered her face with both hands.
"Promise me, Catherine, don't tell anybody!"
"Hey, I won't! I'm sorry I laughed, ok? You're always so quiet about your private life and now you just-" She patted Sara's shoulder "What happened?"
"Nothing. He's just…"
"He's Grissom, I know. What did he say?"
"Nothing" Sara interrupted quickly "Please, don't worry"
"All right. So. Home?"
"Yeah " she nodded "I've already used all my overtime"
"Well, I wasn't going to take you to the lab, Sara!" she teased "Imagine what the guys would say"
Sara nodded and suddenly she started to cry. That did worry Catherine, who'd never seen her do it, not even with their worst cases or with the Hank fiasco. Sara cried in private.
Catherine patted Sara's back awkwardly "Hey… hey, Sara…"
"Please, don't tell anyone…"
"Hey, of course not! Look, you cry all you want tonight. Tomorrow it'll look better!" that's what she told Lindsay but her kid was ten not thirty three. Still, she tried to comfort her friend "You'll see. Life hits us hard sometimes but we always recover."
"It's so damn embarrassing!" Sara muttered, trying to get a hold of herself "Like a teen with a crush!. What a year!" she sighs "I was rejected, I was the other woman for a while" she snorts "Me, the other woman, can you imagine?"
"Hey, you're smiling. Good"
"Yeah, I'm a walking joke"
"Oh, Sara, come on…" Catherine offered her a box of tissues "Can I ask you something? Why Grissom, Sara? Couldn't you find someone easier to love?"
Sara looked out for a while.
"Maybe. I just… I only wanted to get close to him." She looked at Catherine "I asked him out" she explained "It made things awkward between us"
"Oh, Sara…"
"Big mistake, uh?"
"Hey, you face life and that's never a mistake, girl. You've got guts. And, listen: It's ok to fall in love. Thank God your heart's big enough for it"
Sara considered this and eventually she nodded but seemed too tired to speak anymore.
Just before dropping Sara, Catherine insisted. "Hey. You didn't answer: why him?"
Sara thought for a moment.
"Because he made me happy for a long time" she said slowly. Then she smiled " And because he's Grissom." And then she went home
'Grissom, you idiot.' Thought Catherine. 'Get a clue' She took her cell phone and invited Grissom for a drink.
***
"Could you tell me why we're here?" Grissom asked again, just as the Dianne brought their drinks.
"Relax, Grissom. Don't you like to have a drink now and then and just- enjoy it?
"Our shift starts in an hour, so, could you please tell me why we-"
"All right, all right. Look-" The truth was, she didn't know what to say. But then she thought of Sara drinking alone here and she let anger fuel her tongue.
"Could you tell me what's the deal between you and Sara?"
He cautiously took a sip of his mineral water and considered the question.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. I'm curious. If you're not interested why don't you just tell her?"
"Catherine? I never talk about my private life"
"And frankly I don't care about it, Grissom. I'm merely asking you a question"
Grissom looked into his glass wondering if he should just pull rank and tell Catherine who's boss. But he knew it would only make her more determined. And deep down it pleased him that Catherine worried about Sara. Sara needed friends, and Catherine could be a fiercely loyal one.
Catherine sighed.
"You know, I used to wonder about you two. It's always been as if you shared a bond. How did you two meet?"
"At a Seminar"
"That's what you always say" Catherine nodded then coaxed "Come on, tell me! Was she pushy? Was she teacher's pet?"
"She was brilliant" he answered simply.
"Of course. What else?" Catherine insisted
He could easily add that she was a fascinating girl, the smartest student he'd ever had, but he just smiled tolerantly "I met her at a five-day Seminar" he starts, formally "I started on the third day, so I hadn't met the students yet. ... Remember Gary Cole, from Santa Barbara?"
"The coroner guy you're always wagering against at the cockroach races?"
"Yeah. He told me that she was a good student"
Grissom remembered that day vividly; he always would.
He had been sorting his index cards while the other instructors talked. He really wasn't paying attention until Cole spoke
"Ok, guys, ready for the Sidle Inquisition?" He smirked as the other guys started rolling their eyes and making gagging sounds
"What's that?" asked Grissom
One of the instructors answered "Oh, just a girl who's always asking, asking, ASKING-"
"A real pest!" said another
"Sara Sidle is a dedicated student" Cole corrected "who has shown several times that some people I won't mention, aren't as prepared as they should-"
"Hey, we're prepared, but after a night out, who's gonna remember every damn little-"
"That's what they expect from us" Grissom interrupted "We're here to teach them, after all"
"Yeah, well. Lucky for you, she won't ask much today. Not after the way I shut her up yesterday-"
And the guys high-fived each other, while Cole shook his head.
"If she were a flirty blonde with big tits, you'd trip over each other to answer her questions" he lamented. Then he said to Grissom "She's interested in Criminology"
Grissom's curiosity was piqued.
Later, as Grissom presented his material, he paused briefly every now and then, expecting questions, but none came about. Curious, he deliberately left out a few facts while presenting some slides and, sure enough, a hand came up, a little hesitantly. "Excuse, me Dr. Grissom-"
And Grissom smiled and thought, "Hello, Sara Sidle"
He'd thanked her for noticing his oversight and continued his class. He was very aware of her, though. She took notes without taking her eyes off him. Not the first time and not the only one who had ever looked at him like this, but this girl was really interested in his presentation.
When class ended they had both ended up alone in the room. Not by accident. It was the first time he had ever remained behind with the sole purpose of talking to someone. Somehow he felt it was her first time too.
Then she smiled and his world changed forever.
She blushed as she asked him questions. Unlike other students –male or female- who had approached him after class, she wasn't making a pass at him; she genuinely wanted to talk, to learn. This was a girl so devoid of feminine guiles that she seemed unique to him. They became so caught up in their conversation they didn't realize the passing of time until the janitor politely asked them to leave.
Catherine watched Grissom. He had a far away look on his face, a little smile. Suddenly he realized she was there and looked down.
"So?" insisted Catherine "What happened then?"
What happened was that they had an instant connection and acted upon it. They had lots to talk about and he liked that she didn't need him to be other than himself. She wasn't put out by his talk of bugs, she was impressed by his job. But of course he didn't tell Catherine any of that.
"We talked after class" he said evasively "The last day we did a little sight-seeing and talked until dawn, and then she took me to a breakfast place; we had oatmeal" he finished "with raisins"
Catherine thought how that breakfast must mean more to him than if they had spent a few hurried hours in a motel.
Catherine didn't wonder why Sara had fallen for Grissom, anymore. It wasn't just a question of finding someone attractive. It was just that Sara had met the relaxed and friendly, even flirty, Gil Grissom; the one who instantly charmed visitors and guest investigators, people he wasn't going to see again. No wonder he was always getting long distance calls, e-mails, and postcards.
"And years later you offered her a job in Las Vegas" she said
"I thought she'd feel more appreciated here." he explained
Catherine rolled her eyes. "She's in love with you."
He looked down .
"She'll be fine" he says, eventually "She'll move on"
Catherine hesitated only a little; she wanted to rattle him. "Look, Gil; God knows I'm the last person who should give advice on romance, and I usually don't meddle, but what are you afraid of?"
"I have to go back to the lab" he announced abruptly and took out his wallet
"Hey, Grissom, you can trust me-" she said gently but Grissom just paid in cash to get out faster.
Catherine caught up with him in the parking lot "I suppose you think you're happy, living like this"
"Well, more people would be happy if others weren't always telling them the reasons why they shouldn't be"
"Where did you read that?" Catherine snapped "Have you ever said anything that wasn't said by others before? Have you-"
"Catherine?" he interrupted Is it so bad to be like me?" he asked. He waited for her answer for only a moment, then went to his car.
Catherine approached Grissom's car and tapped his window. He was so lost in thought, he looked at her as if he didn't know what she was doing there. He rolled down the window.
"You're not a bad man, Grissom " Catherine said sheepishly "I just thought you could, I don't know, get a little happiness-"
He nodded. He looked away.
"Just talk to her."
"It's over" he said abruptly.
"Did she say anything to you?" she insisted and as Grissom didn't answer, she urged "Do you want it to be over?"
"I don't know" he admitted.
"Talk to her, then. Forget you're her boss, start over! '" Catherine said and, before she could read the expression on his face (hope?, regret? relief?) he closed his window again, started the car and left.
TBC in "OLD SONGS"