The unmistakable sound of Rei's cell phone pierces the ringing silence of his bedroom. The screen light illuminates his bedside table, which helps him to locate it quickly and without too much fuss, despite the fact that he's just been pulled from a very comfortable sleep.
Rei squints at the phone as he holds it close enough to see the caller. His face screws up in surprise and possibly a little bit of annoyance.
"Mmn… Hello?"
"Shit," Rin's voice sounds, his voice lower than usual, probably in an attempt to not disturb his roommate. "I woke you up, huh?"
Rei glares at the clock on his bedside table, red digital numbers blaring 3:47am. He almost wishes Rin could see the disapproving look on his face. Yes, that would certainly get the message across much better than his slurred words and slowed brain function currently could.
"I'll let you think on your question for just a moment," Rei says in an attempt at sarcasm, but he yawns instead and ruins it.
"Yeah yeah, sorry," Rin sighs on the other end. Rei listens a little harder, realizing how strange it truly is for Rin - or anyone for that matter - to be calling so ridiculously late. As his mind starts the slow shift from sleeping to awake, the possibilities dawn on Rei with a little more urgency.
"Is everything alright, Rin-san?" Rei asks, his voice more clear, as he rubs sleep from his eyes and sits up in bed.
Another sigh, and then silence. Rei is almost sure he can hear Rin's fingers drumming on a hard surface - he must be sitting at his desk, Rei realizes - and he waits patiently for a reply.
"I shouldn't have called you so late. This was fucking dumb-"
"Rin-san, please don't tell me you called me at almost four in the morning to decide that you don't want to talk about something." Rei chides, and he hears an annoyed groan in reply, which soothes his nerves only slightly, because Rin is feeling well enough to sass back.
Rei breathes in and out, steadily. "Is it… That thing, again?" he asks.
"Oh Christ, we're calling it the thing now? Like a code word or some shit?" Rin moans incredulously, and Rei flushes.
"Well, how else am I supposed to refer to it?" Rei says, rolling his eyes although he knows the gesture is wasted. "Fine, how is your disquietude? Are you feeling abnormally stressed? On a scale from one to ten, where are you currently ranking your anxiety-"
"Alright fine, god dammit! I get it. Yeah, that's why I'm calling, okay?" Rin exclaims, his voice losing its volume in fear of rousing his bunkmate. He sighs again. "Just… Talk me down, okay? You're good at that."
Rei can't help but feel a small swell of pride at that, but it doesn't last long before he's reminded of how this arrangement came to be.
Four months back, Rin had caught him in the middle of an anxiety attack in the locker room after a joint practice at Samezuka. Rei had been trying to keep it from everyone by waiting patiently for them to leave the lockers under the pretense of searching for his wallet and saying lots of things along the line of 'Go on without me, I'll catch up, I'll only be a minute, really'. It had been bubbling all evening, blossoming into a tremor in his left arm that had compromised his practice.
Rin had noticed the signs when no one else had, and the two of them had talked at length about their anxiety disorders at a nearby coffee shop. It had been a large comfort to the both of them, and had helped clear the way for a stronger friendship between them.
Their disorders are very different. Rei has almost scheduled breakdowns throughout the year, almost always stemming from the need to perform well on tests or experiencing personal failures. The more stressed he gets, the more manic he becomes. Rin's anxieties lay heavily in his emotions, and are often triggered by things he can't explain or identify. Unlike Rei, Rin withdraws completely when he's at his limit. Still, the two of them understand this part of each other that none of their other friends can get close to, not even Makoto in all of his kindness and warmth.
"Are you feeling an anxiety attack coming on?" Rei asks worriedly. Now that the reason for the call has been outed, the tension has been lifted and the conversation moves with much more fluidity, which Rei is grateful for.
"Ehh," Rin starts, and Rei can hear him shifting position and the creaking of a chair, "it's not as bad as the last one. But yeah, I guess. I was trying to fuckin' ignore it, but my chest started hurting real bad. I didn't even look at the time, I just called."
"That's okay," Rei assures. "But… How did you not know what time it was? Are you up studying this late?" he asks in wonderment. He really has no right to chastise anyone for this sort of behavior considering how many all-nighters he's pulled in his day, but Rin usually doesn't need to stay up all night with his nose in a textbook in order to pass a test.
"Don't get pissed or anything, there's no way you haven't pulled this kind of shit before," Rin accuses, startling Rei with his eerily accurate assumption and timing, "but yeah, I'm studying."
"What for? Samezuka's exams shouldn't be coming up for another couple of-"
"I'm not studying to study, you dolt. I'm just trying to get my mind off of shit and playing stupid games on my phone just wasn't doing the trick."
"Ah… Right," Rei says, reminded suddenly that studying is not the cause of everyone's stress. "Sorry."
Rin laughs, which is a good sign, but his voice is noticeably more shaky than it was a moment ago. "Oh my god, don't apologize for shit like that." He's still chuckling, but Rei knows that Rin sometimes laughs to mask the fact that he doesn't want to.
Rei grabs his glasses and carefully puts them on, just for the sake of being able to see his room more clearly.
"What were you thinking about? I mean, when it started happening?" Rei asks boldly. He knows that talking through it helps, even if asking such imposing questions is awkward.
"I don't know," Rin answers, not dodging the question like Rei half-expected him to. "I guess I was just thinking about everything. My future and shit. It all just got a little intimidating, maybe."
"Ah." Rei knows that Rin's future is incredibly important to him, but becoming an olympic swimmer is something only a handful of people working towards are going to achieve. It's really all Rin has, when it comes down to it, and so Rei more than understands his unease.
"Let's talk about something else, though," Rin inserts with a shaky sigh. "How's Nagisa?"
Rei snorts. "You just saw him the other day, you know he's fine as always. His normal self."
"Naw, I mean, how is he with you. You and him. Together," Rin says the last word in English, dragging the syllables out mischievously, and he's successful in making Rei blush.
"If you're expecting me to talk about my personal, private-"
"I am expecting that, because you're trying to talk me down, remember? Entertain me." Rin says with a laugh.
Rei sighs defeatedly, and adjusts his glasses out of habit. "We're quite fine, thank you very much. Nothing of note to report."
"Seriously? That's it? No explosion of love or drama or anything like that? Boring."
There have been developments in their relationship, certainly, but nothing that he could bring himself to talk about, even with a good friend. Rei simply isn't wired that way. It's much too private.
"How about Ai-kun? How has he been?"
"Ai's fine. He got knocked out with a cold recently, but he's back on track now. He's really improving this year. His times are getting better, and he's really focused. I think it helps that he grew a couple of inches. His shoulders are getting wider, too. He's got a much more powerful pull."
Rei can't ignore the pride in Rin's voice, and he smiles softly. "You know… I'm sure Ai-kun would be more than understanding about all of this. Have you ever tried talking to him about it?"
A short silence. "Yeah," Rin finally says. "I mean, he is understanding and shit. Maybe like, too understanding. It's just like, his brand of comfort is great but it's not always what I need. It makes me feel kinda…" Rin trails off, either because he doesn't know how to finish or he doesn't want to say.
"Weak." Rei ventures, because he knows the feeling.
"Yeah."
"Well, you aren't weak. Remember that." Rei says, but he isn't sure if he's more talking to Rin or himself.
"Yeah, I know, I know." Rin drawls, but Rei knows he's grateful for it anyway.
There is a silence that follows, but it's comfortable and necessary. Rei hears Rin take a steady breath.
"How are you right now? On the scale from one to ten?" Rei asks, genuinely curious.
Rin sucks in breath and appears to hold it for several seconds. He lets it out loudly into the phone. "Five, I think."
"What were you before?"
"Probably eight." Rin answers. The scale was the easiest way for the two of them to relate their anxieties, both because Rin doesn't like to talk too much about feelings, and numbers are involved and Rei thrives on numbers and scales and charts.
"I'm glad it's going down, but I really do think that getting it properly diagnosed-"
"I've said it before, I'm not interested in going to a doctor or taking pills or anything like that," Rin responds grumpily.
This is a big difference between the two of them, and Rei knows that. Rei has no problem asking for help when he needs it, but Rin is ever-determined to take things on alone. His pride is his achilles heel and his closest comfort, and Rei is positive that Rin doesn't want to admit he can't tackle things by himself.
"And I've said it before, medication can help. Solanax isn't a crutch for me, it just lessens the burden when it all becomes too much. Not a single one of us would think less of you, least of all me."
"Shit, I know that," Rin groans. "I just- Auughh," He sniffs, and sighs. "I'll think about it, okay?"
"That's all I ask."
"Nagisa's right, you nag like crazy," Rin says, his voice smiling. Rei flushes indignantly.
"I do not nag! Just because I happen to be rather sensible about some things and think things through to every possible conclusion doesn't mean I'm nagging, it's just how I am! And Nagisa-kun is incredibly reckless, and without my constant vigilance I'm sure he would get into all kinds of trouble, so taking his word for it is really never a good idea. Plus-"
"Oh my god, Rei-"
"PLUS, being worried about perfectly reasonable things is normal! It would be unusual of me to not worry about certain things, both as a teammate and a friend and a respectable person, and furthermore-"
"I'm not strictly speaking a teammate," Rin points out amusingly.
"I disagree!" Rei exclaims, already too far integrated into his rant to respond dispassionately. "I consider you just as much a member of our team as any of the others, Rin-san! Haruka-sempai, Makoto-sempai and Nagisa-kun would all attest to that as well!"
The sound that comes from the other end of the phone is something between a gulp and a gasp, but it's enough to make Rei realize what he's said and shut his mouth faster than he ever has before. For an uncomfortable moment Rei thinks that he's overstepped his bounds.
"Two." Rin says, his voice significantly more quiet.
"Wh-what?" Rei squeaks, because he knows what Rin means but he's surprised all the same.
"Two, now." Rin repeats. He exhales a breath that sounds almost relieved. "Thanks, for, you know, everything I guess," he continues, and Rei can distinctly feel his ears burning with embarrassment. Regardless, he smiles.
"It isn't a problem."
"Shit, dude, don't get all gooey on me."
"M-me?" Rei replies shrilly. "You were the one that technically-"
"Rei, god dammit, don't spoil it." Rin groans, and Rei can't stifle a laugh.