A/N: Come on! It was just begging to be done.
Summary: "My my grandma, what big... abs you have?" Join various Twilight characters as they are supplemented into well known fairy tales retold in the modern day, with 'dead funny' results. I am currently open to suggestions!
Disclaimer: I do not own either Little Red Riding Hood or Twilight... if I did, I would have combined them wayyy before now... and then made a parody of it on film.
The big bad wolf is rabid and teething
Blue Alice - Ayria
PART I – The mash-up of LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
Once upon a time, there was a girl who, upon turning seventeen, decided to make a trip to visit her Grandma deep in the forest. This girl, Bella Swan, was notorious in her small town; whenever she went out she wore a red jacket (complete with hood) which earned her the nickname 'Little Red Riding Hood'.
Now, Bella Swan's mother thought the visit would be good. Not only had her daughter missed the annual shindig up at Grandmother Swan's house last month, but said Grandmother had been requesting her special Blueberry Muffins on a daily basis. Sufficiently pestered, Bella's mother packed a small picnic basket for Bella to take with her – which included some new Polident for her dentures and new corn pads for her bunions – and sent her daughter off with this warning:
"Remember to go straight to Grandma's house, don't dawdle and don't take any short cuts! The woods are a dangerous place for a young girl like you. Take the car, and be careful!"
"Don't worry mom, I'll be careful!" Bella answered, whilst inwardly scoffing. As if I could find danger in these woods. I'd more likely fall over a wild mushroom than be murdered by a mad axe man...
Bella conceded, entered her brand new Alfa Romeo Giulietta (courtesy of her estranged Father as an apology for all her missed birthdays), turned on the ignition and proceeded to drive to the edge of the forest, a journey altogether taking roughly five minutes. Once there, she parked on the first floor of the town's multi-story car park, and exited, trudging down to the trail that led to her Grandmother's house. Why the town needed a massive car park was beyond her. It wasn't as though they had that many tourists.
Although, she thought idly, ever since the release of 'Twilight', the town's tourist numbers had soared significantly, reaching nearly 100 last summer; an incredible increase from about two people a year. It was silly though, because people actually came searching for Vampires – well, one specific Vampire called Edward – and people, Bella felt, should be less gullible.
She was now several metres into the woods, and the gloom was amply settling in underneath the canopy of leaves. Shivering slightly, Bella pulled her red hoodie closer to her body, wishing she'd brought some gloves in the very least, as her fingers were slowly turning an unhealthy blue. Breathing out, she watched with fascination as the puff of smoke drifted upwards, a small smile adorning her face (of which was turning ruddy red in colour) as she did so.
Noticing a patch of yet unfrozen grass, Bella went to sit down, swinging her basket with her. Perching on the slightly damp forest floor, all thoughts of her mother's warning dissipated from her mind. She looked around in awe, at the natural beauty of the forest – yet untainted by human inhabitants – watching a butterfly flit around effortlessly, and the dim light, that when cast down made patterns on the bracken through the ice-coated flowers.
Caught up in the exquisiteness of nature, Bella didn't notice a dark shape approaching from behind the heavy veil of murkiness. She did, however, hear the twig snap when the mysterious shape made a sudden darting movement.
"Who's there?" she asked cautiously, suddenly afraid.
When nobody answered, she gathered the basket up in her arms and hurried back onto the trail, her eyes nervously roaming the surrounding area. The previous perfection of nature had transformed into uncertainty, the illusion shattered.
Realising how late she now was, she ran down the trail muttering incoherently. Unbeknown to her, however, she had dropped her Grandmothers business card onto the worn trail floor. On the card – 'Granny Swans Nifty Knitting Service!' – was her Grandma's address and phone number, along with a witty slogan and a website that was currently being made... or at least it had, for the last three years.
A dark shape moved onto the trail, picking up the card. With a rush which made him giddy, he realised he knew the address; there weren't that many houses in the secluded forest, and Grandma Swan was rather well known for her quick craftsmanship in the art of wool. In fact, he was wearing a pair of her special knitted socks right now! Soft on skin, tough on cold – keep your toes and give me Gold!
As the light fell upon his form it became clear who he was: the Wolf who was part of a pack that lived on the other side of the forest. He went to the same high school as Bella, and was completely infatuated with her – something, his father said, was sure to end in heartbreak. His 'crush' on Bella Swan started early on, after his original choice in girlfriend told him they were never going to work; she had a steady boyfriend, and besides, Renée Swan was far too old for him. Having missed his chance to talk to Bella earlier, he formed a plan. If he was ever to score a date with the Bella Swan, he had to talk to her, preferably without embarrassing himself.
Whilst Bella was running along the path (five minutes away from her Grandmother's house), he, the wolf, took a shortcut...
Much faster than he'd anticipated, the Wolf arrived outside the cosy looking house he knew to be Granny Swan's house. Panting slightly, with his tongue lolling sideways out of his mouth, he knocked lightly on the door.
"Come in, dear! Oh, thank goodness, I was terribly worried that something would happen to you!" Grandma Swan called out, thinking that it was her Granddaughter who was at the door.
The Wolf let himself in, and in a flash, began stripping off. Poor Grandma Swan didn't stand a chance, and promptly passed out onto the floor. Pausing, the Wolf bent down and removed her frilly sleeping cap, placing it upon his own head. Then he picked up the old lady and placed her outside, underneath an overgrown hedge, hoping she remained inconspicuous. Returning inside, he began to put together his incredible plan.
The Wolf poked through the dainty wardrobe in the corner of the bedroom, pulling out a pair of white, flimsy trousers. Removing all traces of his clothes, he pulled on the white garment, and for good measure dabbed on a small amount of perfume behind his ears. There! He was now passable as Grandma Swan, smelling of rotting wood, parsnips and old lady perfume. He climbed into her bed and pulled the covers up to just beneath his collarbone. Just in time, too!
There was a tentative knock on the door, and Bella called out "Grandma, it's me! Bella!"
"Oh how lovely," the wolf replied, with his best Grandma Swan voice (admittedly he had been practising for a few months now, in case opportunities such as this one were thrown at him), "please do come in my dear."
When Bella entered the house, and subsequently the bedroom, she stopped dead. She could barely recognise her Grandmother. Many questions bubbled their way through her mind, begging to be picked and asked. She began on the trivial.
"Grandma, your voice sounds so odd! Is something wrong?"
"Oh, no darling, it's just a cold! I've been meaning to take some Lemsip, but forgot!" the Wolf squeaked, adding a cough at the end to prove his point. Dammit, he cursed silently, need to perfect that voice...
"But, oh Grandma! What a big nose you have!" Bella exclaimed as she edged closer to the bed. Racking her brains she couldn't recall her Grandmothers nose ever being so big. In fact, she was sure it was small and dainty, the nostrils easily visible. The opposite was true for the nose on her Grandma's face now.
Bristling indignantly, the Wolf replied stiffly "it's stuffed up from my cold."
Nodding understandingly, Bella noted something else.
"Grandma, your greys are completely gone! I didn't realise you'd dyed your hair!"
Sensing danger, the Wolf answered gruffly "I just... fancied a change is all. Why, what is this? Twenty questions?"
Taken aback at her Grandmothers curtness, Bella responded, "Not at all Grandma! I was just curious." Looking for a change of subject, she lifted up the basket. "I brought you some things."
His curiosity was piqued, and he accepted the basket. Instantly ravenous, the Wolf pulled out the Blueberry Muffins, and without any thanks, wolfed most of them down in a few seconds. Bemused, Bella asked a question which had just occurred to her, out of common civility.
"Do you want me to get you the Lemsip?"
Swallowing thickly, the wolf waited a moment before answering, as his throat was still stuck together. "No thank you, darling, I already feel much better."
"Grandma!" Bella exclaimed suddenly, but was cut off by the Wolf, who was growing increasingly annoyed.
"No more questions! What do you think I am? A freak show, is that what I look like? Were you raised this annoying?"
There was a small silence, but Bella, being nosy, broke it quickly.
"But, Granny, I was just wondering why your voice is so deep!"
It was a valid point, the Wolf mused. He hadn't thought of this one, and decided to answer as fairly as he could. "It's the humidity here, darling. First hot, then cold. It's just wreaking havoc with my vocal cords!"
Bella nodded thoughtfully, and then went to sit on the edge of the bed. Heavily curious again, she said,
"Grandma, what big lips you have! You-no! You haven't had surgery surely!"
The Wolf sighed heavily. So it's back to two-hundred questions then... He pressed his teeth into his bottom lips thoughtfully, and was interrupted once again.
"Oh Grandmother! What white teeth you have! So pearly, and straight! Wow!"
"UGH, that is it!"
The wolf tore off the bed sheet; his impatience waned far enough by Bella Swan. His previous attraction for her had faded, anger consumed his thoughts fully now.
Surprisingly (or not, depending on how you saw her), Bella did not scream, or act scared in any way towards her Grandma's unexplained fury. Instead, she gasped, pulling her hands up to her mouth whist her eyes went wide.
"My my, Grandma! What big... abs you have?"
Bella was confused. On her Grandmother was the most deliciously toned stomach, and, oh! Those biceps! Feeling light-headed, she fanned herself repeatedly with her hand, taking small gasps of air. Oh. My. God! Bella was sure if the internet held photos of this, the World would be a happy place. Her hand inched minutely towards her pockets as she contemplated taking out her iPhone, but it was too hard to avert her eyes. She herself was fighting the urge to lick in between each defined stomach muscle!
No, Bella! This is your Grandmother!
Of course, the idea was repulsive... well, not really. Those muscles were sinful, and Bella Swan was drawn to them despite the fact that the phrase Eww, it's an old lady kept playing through her mind.
But, wait...
Old lady? No! This tantalising body wouldn't be right for an elderly woman. This meant that her Grandmother... was an imposter!
Bella realised this fact too late, as the Wolf, with a scream of fury, blew up.
Or at least that's what it seemed. Bella was blasted across the room, leaving an indent in the rotting wood opposite the Wolf. Screaming, she threw herself into the tiny sitting room, and was chased around the coffee table by a Wolf who was acting beyond all rationality: hissing and scowling at anything Bella-related in sight.
Several kilometres away, a Vampire who went by the name of Edward was contemplating his dissected elk rather than eating it (don't play with your food!), and heard Bella's screams. Running towards the sound of terror, he came upon a small house, inside of which was the girl, and... A wolf.
"Hah," Edward snorted. Easy meat... not that he intended to eat the Wolf, of course (Wolf meat was not a culinary delight). He was, however, going to kill him for trespassing on Vampire territory.
However, before Edward could take more than two steps into the building, a choking sound made him stop dead.
The Wolf had turned back into his human form, and was clutching his throat, gasping on the floor. Bella had stopped screaming, and stared down at the Wolf, until he turned blue and lay still, obviously dead – his tongue hanging out for good measure.
There was a beat of complete silence whilst everyone took in what had just happened, too stunned to actually move. Then, suddenly it was broken by Bella's voice.
"Ha! Take that, you stupid dog! Oh yeah, I win, you lose..."
Bella danced across the sitting room celebrating the death of her almost killer. Edging nearer, and ignoring Bella, Edward ran his finger across the Wolf's mouth, which was frothy (it gave him the appearance of one who has squirted too much whipped cream into their mouth, or that of a rabid animal). His finger came away a pretty blue colour, and smelt suspiciously of... Blueberry muffins.
Understanding, Edward went to stand up, but was almost immediately sent back down again.
"High-ya!" screamed Grandma Swan, hitting the young Vampire with her Garden shovel. Surprised, Edward didn't have time to react before he was sent up in a plume of... perfume? Blinded, Edward fumbled for the exit, and when he reached it ran pell-mell out into the forest. His eyes, however, were damaged – a film covered the outermost layer, making them look almost milky. His life (or un-life) ambition was suddenly to join the Volturi, the Elite guard who only accepted Vampires with bad eyes.
Meanwhile, back with Bella, Grandma Swan was a teensy bit frazzled, but miraculously still in one piece.
"Oh, Grandma, I was so scared!" sobbed Bella, "I'll never talk to strangers ever again!"
"There, there Bella, you're okay now! Just think of the fun you'll have recounting this story to your Grandchildren one day!"
"I guess you're right Grandma, I guess you're right..." Bella sniffed.
So Bella and her Grandmother had a nice lunch, and a long chat, and on the way home Bella threw her red hoodie in the bin, for it was dirty with rot, bracken, and dog hair.
And they all lived happily ever after...sort of.
What happened to everyone in this story?
Well, Edward, as you know, joined the Volturi. Two weeks later he met a certain young female called Tanya, a closet transvestite, and they lived happily ever after (and after, and after...). He enjoys sneaking through her window and watching her, and they sometimes join up with Aro for, uh, some three-way fun. He also no longer eats animals, claiming the richness of human blood gives him strong, glossy hair. He likes to prove this point daily, by tossing his head around in a similar manner to that of a woman in a hair shampoo advert.
Jacobs's family were devastated, and called for the arrest of Bella and her Grandma. Nine weeks later Bella was found guilty of manslaughter, and sentenced to life in prison. Jacob's relatives celebrated all night long. Two weeks later, they started a foundation called 'Save the Olympian Wolf!' which specialises in cases such as Jacobs.
Grandma Swan was found not guilty, and continued living her life through 'Granny Swan's Nifty Knitting Service'. Occasionally, her daughter, Renée, would come and visit, saying how it was such a shame about Bella, and if she – Renée – had chosen differently, Jacob would still be alive right now. They also changed the recipe for the Blueberry Muffins, as apparently the stickiness of certain ingredients (mainly the superglue) can be a bigger killer than even the sharpest of weapons.
Perhaps most upset was Mike Newton. Although not mentioned in this story, four months after her arrest Bella found out she was carrying his child (it was either his or Eric's). Five months more along the line and she had given birth, leaving Mike as a single, unwilling dad. His dating prospects were ruined for at least another ten years.
Bella, as you know, was serving a life sentence for manslaughter, as well as other charges of fraud (too long of a story to put in here, I may add). She wasn't eligible for parole for another fourteen years, and when she did apply, she was turned down. Oh well. Meanwhile, she was allowed to speak to her daughter when Mike brought her along, and claimed she was so adorable, she would kill for her. As you can imagine, this didn't help her chances of leaving prison (and not only because her daughter was not adorable in any way...). Nonetheless, she was released by the ripe old age of 58. She now works full time in their local supermarket.
This leaves Seth. Although, technically, part of Jacobs family, his happily ever after is slightly different. After the birth of Karée (Karen and Renée, because Bella is 'sentimental'), Bella and Mikes unfortunate looking child, Seth hunted her down, as he believed this abomination was cruel to Jacobs memory. However, once he laid eyes upon the pink, wrinkled baby, he fell in love. Their wedding will be in two weeks, although it isn't approved by everyone, as Karée's wedding finger is too small for the ring.
I hope that's everyone!
A/N: okay... I hope that was alright! I sort of wrote it on a whim... and if you want you can request fairy tales you think would go with Twilight. I was thinking Sleeping Beauty as Rosalie who's really lazy... um, the three little pigs? Or maybe something with Cinderella or Snow White and the seven dwarfs. Ha, the possibilities are endless...