December 21, 2006

He gently brushes his hand over the cold, marble stone, watching through misty eyes as the snowflakes flutter away in the breeze.

It never failed that seeing that name, etched on the small stone, acted like a vice grip on his heart.

Jennifer Stewart Ryan

How is it possible to miss someone so much? Someone that you never even really met?

Paul had been here, coming once a week, usually later at night. It was the only time he allowed himself to feel her loss, to feel the emotions that threatened to eat him up inside if he truly let them out for any length of time.

But for the little while he spent there each week, he let himself grieve for her. He let the tears flow, he let the pain consume him.

He barely feels the cold ground beneath him. He barely feels the light flurries of snow brushing his cheek. All he can feel is an ache, a dull ache that spreads throughout his body as he sees, in his mind, Emily holding their daughter tightly in her arms, not wanting to let her go as the nurse tried to gently take her small, motionless body.

So lost is he in this memory, he doesn't hear the crunching of frozen grass being lightly stepped on behind him.

Clutching a bag tightly in her fist, the sight of him sitting in front of their daughter's gravestone crushes Emily's heart into a million pieces. Their last few encounters, after she had told Meg the truth about what he had done to Craig, had not exactly been friendly, and she had sworn she would move on this time. Yet, how can you just stop loving someone? Seeing him here, vulnerable, visiting their daughter, brought all of the feelings she had been trying so hard to bury rushing to the forefront.

Knowing she is probably the last person he wants to see, she turns around, planning to head back to her car and wait until he's gone, wanting to give him some time alone with their daughter.

It's at that moment that Paul realizes he's not alone. He turns quickly, and sees Emily beginning to walk away.

"Em?"

She stops, and turns back towards him.

"Yeah…I didn't realize you were here. I'll just come back a little later," she says, her voice quiet, in deference to the setting.

It was funny, despite everything they had been through, and the drama of the past few weeks, in that moment? He was almost relieved she was there.

"You don't have to go," he responds, and Emily's eyes widen slightly in surprise.

"No…it's ok. You should have some time alone with her."

"Em...," he breaks off, trying to find the right words, but is only able to come up with one. "Stay."

"Look, you and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms recently, and I know you're really angry with me, and the last thing I want is for us to start fighting in front of her," she says, a tear escaping as she finishes.

"I don't plan on it. Come on, she's our daughter Em. I'm willing to put aside all of it, at least for now. It's Christmas. We should both be here."

Emily watches him for a moment, then her eyes drift to their daughter's gravestone. She slowly takes a step forward.

"Okay," she whispers, and kneels down next to him. Like him, the cold winter ground is irrelevant as her heart constricts, seeing their daughter's name etched into the marble stone. She reaches out, her hand gently caressing the letters.

"How is it possible to miss someone so much that you never really knew?"

Paul turns towards her, stunned, and yet not, that Emily managed to voice the very thought he had had just moments before.

"You knew her better than anyone, Em," he says quietly. "She grew inside of you. You had that time with her."

"Not enough time," she responds, her voice breaking. "Do you think she knows we're here?"

Paul roughly wipes at a tear that has fallen to his cheek. "I hope so."

"You know, Daniel made an ornament for her."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, he said we didn't have to hang it on the tree if it made me too sad, but that he thought she should have her own ornament, just like him and mom and Ali and me, because no matter what, she's still his sister and still part of our family."

Paul smiles slightly. "He's an amazing kid."

"Yeah… more from his father than me."

"Don't say that, Em. Daniel loves you so much, you know that."

She sniffles, wiping the tears from her face.

"He misses you. He made you a present at school. He wanted to drop it off to you, if that's ok."

"Yeah…yeah of course. I…I actually have something for him to. I just wasn't sure if that would be okay with you."

"Paul…no matter where we stand? Daniel adores you, and I know that you care a lot about him. I would never discourage that."

Paul nods in acknowledgement. "He would have been a great big brother."

Emily smiles. "Probably really overprotective."

They sit in silence for a few moments, their eyes fixed on the small marble stone. Paul reaches out to brush away some of the snow that's collected while they've been talking.

"People always say that time heals all wounds," he says, his voice rough with emotion, "but this? I can't imagine time healing this."

A small sob escapes Emily's lips. "Me either."

Paul turns towards her, seeing her shoulders shake slightly as the pain seems to overtake her. He reaches over and takes her hand, squeezing it gently in his own.

To Be Continued