A/N: This is a short fic I wrote in response to the "Finder" episode of Lilo & Stitch: The Series. This is a Gantu/grand councilwoman fluff. It's a one-shot. Short, silly, and kinda stupid. Please don't ask me why I wrote it. I'm still asking myself that question.
Part of this story takes place within the above-mentioned L&S episode, and therefore contains spoilers. This fic also contains precise recaps of the conversations between Gantu and the grand councilwoman that are in the episode. Other than that, I stand by the usual disclaimers. This fic is rated PG for suggestive dialogue and sexual references… PG-13 to be on the safe side. Flames will only encourage me!
MUSTARD
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're slicing 'em too thick!" 625 criticized Gantu, standing on the counter near the fresh loaf of bread he was carving.
"You have to be able to fit it in your mouth! Well, my mouth, which is much smaller than your grotesque maw."
He picked up an especially thick slice of sourdough and waved it at his 'assistant.' "Now, lay some mustard on me, baby!"
At that moment, the ship's computer announced an incoming communication. Gantu cringed, fully expecting it to be Hamsterveil again. What now? Had the little vermin gotten lost on his way to Earth and decided to take it out on him, calling him many nasty names in the process? But instead of Hamsterveil's annoying high-pitched jabber, a different voice was heard, and all too familiar, announcing herself over the intercom. Gantu was taken aback. The grand councilwoman of the Galactic Federation, calling him?! Of all the people he could think of, this was the least expected. Without bothering to think, he quickly cleared the counter in front of him with one great sweep of his muscular arms, scattering 625 and sandwich debris all over the floor. Then, putting on his most pleasant and dignified air, he turned to face the communicator screen. The grand councilwoman wasted no time with pleasantries. Instead, she dove straight to the point. "Gantu, I have a offer for you. If you're successful, it could mean reinstatement of your captain's rank."
"I'll do anything!" he replied, eagerly and without hesitation.
"But you haven't heard what it is yet!" she countered, rather surprised by his willingness.
Gantu, however, was not about to let an opportunity like this slip through his fingers. He threw his hands up in an enthusiastic gesture and exclaimed "I don't care! Lay some mustard on me, baby!"
The grand councilwoman looked scandalized by this remark.
"Uuhhh-I-I mean 'Ma'am.'" In a haste he tore off his deli apron and hat. "I - umm, t-terribly sorry," he blushed. "Please, go ahead."
The grand councilwoman continued. "It's about the escaped Dr. Hamsterveil. I know you are - 'associated' with him, but if you capture him and turn him over to us, all will be forgiven."
Gantu chuckled wickedly at the idea. This was perfect! What could be better than the opportunity to give that foul little fur ball his just desserts, and regain his status as captain at the same time? Working for a deranged rodent with a Napoleon complex had put enough wear and tear on his ego, but having just recently been demoted to 625's assistant, assuming all the duties of a deli boy… well, that was just added salt to an already festering wound.
"Well, that went smoothly," Gantu muttered to himself after the communication had ended. He stalked across the room and flopped down on his chair, covering his face with a massive hand. "'Lay some mustard on me, baby!' Yeah, real smooth there, ace. I bet she really thinks highly of me now."
"What are you complaining about, halibut-head?" demanded 625, sitting among the ruins of a pastrami on rye.
"I've got an open-faced sandwich here, with no face! Besides, since when did you care what Her Royal Snootiness thinks? If you ask me, that old broad wouldn't think any better of you if you served her a mile-high Dagwood on a silver platter."
Gantu glared at him and growled "That is no way to talk about the leader of the Galactic Federation! Show some respect!"
"Hey, I've got as much respect for her as you do, guppy-face," 625 argued. He began to gather up scraps of meat, bread, and various vegetables, then jumped back up on the counter to reconstruct his sandwich.
"Remember, you're the one who made that mustard remark. And I think you know just as well as I do what it implies."
"Well - you're the one who said it in the first place!" Gantu argued, leaning forward in his seat and pointing an accusing finger at him.
"Oh, sure, blame me!" 625 replied, slightly offended. "I may have inspired the dialogue, but I sure as heck didn't put the words in your mouth or the thoughts in your head!"
"What thoughts are you talking about?" Gantu demanded.
"Oh, you know what I mean." He gave him a suggestive buck-toothed grin.
Gantu stood up quickly and blurted out "I do NOT have a crush on the grand councilwoman!"
A rather long and uncomfortable silence followed, during which the two stared unblinking at each other.
"I never said you did," said 625 quietly before returning to his sandwich. He ate it in three bites and jumped off the counter again. "Wait'll the cousins hear about this!" he exclaimed, heading out the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" Gantu demanded, poised to follow him.
"To find Nosy. He's gonna love this juicy hunk of gossip!"
Gantu caught up to him and picked him up by the scruff of his neck. "Oh, no you don't!"
"Aww, come on! Nosy's gonna find out anyway! There's no keeping secrets from that guy."
"He's not going to find out anything," Gantu growled, holding 625 up so that he was eye-level with him. "Because there's nothing to find out! Got it?" He dumped the little experiment roughly onto the counter before stomping off to his sleeping quarters.
625 sighed dreamily after he had gone. "Aahhh, love. It's so sweet it's sickening." He picked up the mustard bottle and a slice of bread, then glanced back and forth at the two items. "But who'd have thought it would be mustard-flavored?"
Later that same evening, Gantu managed to capture Hamsterveil, who already happened to be in the custody of a little human girl named Myrtle Edmonds. Lilo, Stitch, and an experiment named Finder pursued them, and in the exhilarating struggle that followed, the hyper drive on Gantu's ship was disabled, causing him to crash-land back on Kauai.
Gantu moaned painfully as he stumbled down the ramp from his ship. "Now I won't be able to deliver Hamsterveil to the councilwoman!" he complained to no one in particular.
"No need to worry about that," said a sultry feminine voice. "I came to you. Guards!"
Gantu looked up suddenly to see none other than the grand councilwoman herself, flanked by two reptilian guards who immediately marched past him and boarded his ship. Confidence restored, Gantu approached his superior with a spring in his step.
"I fulfilled my part of the bargain! I caught Hamsterveil! Where is my reward?"
"I suppose you do -"
"WHERE'S MYRTLE?!"
Lilo demanded breathlessly as she charged into the clearing with Pleakley and Jumba close behind.
The female alien looked down at her questioningly. "What is a 'Myrtle?'"
"She's a little girl, like me!" Lilo explained. "Gantu grabbed her when he took Hamsterveil!"
"Is this true?" the Federation leader demanded, turning narrowed eyes on the former captain.
Flabbergasted, Gantu fumbled for an answer. "W- I-I-I'm not sure. I mean I-I haven't really checked. I-I suppose it's possible."
"So you put an innocent girl in danger," the grand councilwoman concluded. She sighed, disappointedly, and shook her head. "You always did have a problem with ethics. My offer is therefore rescinded."
At this, Gantu's face fell. A moment later, the two guards exited his ship with a fettered Hamsterveil in tow.
"Let me go, you wretched, oddly-shaped-head woman with backwards legs!" the irate rodent cursed her colorfully as he floated past on a hover pod.
The giant alien watched with mixed feelings as he was taken aboard the Federation ship. Until now, he had thought that this moment would mean fulfillment, a tying-up of so many loose and frayed ends in his life. But instead, it was just the opposite. To have had the opportunity of a lifetime placed into his hands and then snatched away so suddenly was far worse than what he had already had to contend with since his initial 'retirement' from the Galactic Federation. His cheek twitching with fury, Gantu turned away and started slowly back to his ship. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed until morning and then wake up from this nightmare.
His gait slowed to a halt as he listened to the grand councilwoman and Lilo striking a deal over Hamsterveil. Apparently the snotty little Earth-girl he had abducted had mistaken him for a talking hamster and had been keeping him as a pet. Gantu smirked at the idea of his diminutive boss living it down in a filthy little cage, and at the mercy of a child. But when he heard the grand councilwoman agree to Lilo's outlandish suggestion that Myrtle be allowed to take Hamsterveil to show-and-tell at school, his jaw dropped and he spun around to stare at them in disbelief.
"This is outrageous!" he declared, stomping over to them before he could stop himself. "You're letting that vile Earth-girl borrow a convicted criminal just so she can take him to school and show him off like a prize possession, and you tell me I have a problem with ethics?!"
The grand councilwoman looked up at him passively. "That's right," she said, her words cold and sharp as a blade. "Are you challenging my decision?"
"N-no, of course not!" Gantu said hastily. "I wouldn't dream of it! It's just that I -I…" he trailed off, suddenly at a loss. Great. What had he gotten himself into? He should have just left well enough alone and walked away while he had the chance. But no. He had to tell her what he really thought. He had to speak his mind. And why not? She had already fired him… what more could she do? But then, she was the grand councilwoman, and if that meant that she could bend the Federation's laws just to satisfy a whim, then who was to say what she could have done to him for his audacity to challenge that whim? At that moment, he didn't care. All reasoning aside, Gantu took a bold step forward.
"No," he said flatly, his demeanor suddenly stern. "I am challenging you. You, ZaiLeia Miik, grand councilwoman of the Galactic Federation, for all the injustices I have suffered under your governing! I find your decisions to be extreme, biased and unfair!" He folded his arms and glared down at her imperiously. "Now, how do YOU plead?"
She glared back at him for a moment before answering.
"Guilty," she said, quite simply. Gantu opened his mouth to protest, and choked on his words.
"What?"
Sighing, she broke eye-contact with him and looked down at the ground. "If you really feel that way about my decisions, then it must be true, to some extent."
Gantu stared at her, taken aback. She stepped toward him, lifting her head up to gaze once again into his sky-blue eyes.
"It isn't easy, you know. Making fair rulings that everyone can agree with is practically impossible. I'm in a bind no matter what my decision is. And yet, everyone continues to rely on me to help settle their discords. Doubtless I have made more than a few enemies during my time in office, but such a thing is inevitable in my position. On top of this I have had to endure a constant, relentless smear campaign since day one, and I will probably be remembered more for my harshness than my compassion."
For a long time after she had finished speaking, Gantu continued to stare at her. When he realized how stupid he must look, he glanced down at his hands and mumbled an apology.
"I didn't realize… I mean, I never really thought about it that way. That your decisions can be so… sooo…" but he couldn't finish. She had him speechless. Damn politician's charm! But then, she was right. He had always taken her position for granted, always assumed she had it easy simply because she was the foremost leader of the United Galactic Federation, an institution that included over one hundred and thirty planets in its membership. For the first time he pictured himself, realistically, in her position. If he had thought that trying to appease Hamsterveil was a task, then it was nothing compared to what this woman had to deal with just trying to come to a decision that would satisfy the majority. He looked at her again, and suddenly he felt as though he were seeing her for the very first time. He studied her face; her dark, exotic eyes, the elegant curves of her cheekbones, the deeply etched lines of anxiety and age. Perhaps she wasn't quite as old as she looked…
"I'm sorry," he said again, this time sincere.
"No, Gantu. I'M sorry. As much as I would like to hire you back, I am afraid I cannot. Not at this time, anyway. But don't give up hope. You may yet be able to convince me you're still the only man for the job." The grand councilwoman said this with a rather curious grin that made Gantu wonder at the true meaning of her words.
"So… I still have a chance?"
She nodded. Gantu smiled confidently at this.
"While I'm here, I might as well give you that second chance right now."
"Really?"
She nodded again. "Come by my ship tomorrow morning and we'll talk."
Up at the crack of dawn and dressed in his uniform best, former captain Gantu stood eagerly at the entrance to the grand councilwoman's ship, waiting to be let in. As the ramp descended, he saw her, smiling pleasantly in greeting. Gantu bowed respectfully to her as he came aboard. Following closely, 625 watched Gantu watching the Federation leader. Though the giant gray alien managed to maintain a diplomatic air, he did not stop a small smile from forming on his lips at the sight of his superior. His ocean-jewel eyes fixed on her, he stood silent and attentive, like a soldier awaiting orders. Understanding dawned on the face of the little yellow fur ball beside him.
"Oh, I see what this is," he said loudly, smirking up at his 'assistant.'
"Her Royal Snootiness invites you over for a little 'one-on-one ethics' just to let you prove you're still captain material, eh?"
Gantu glared down at him threateningly.
"Show some respect, you little trog, or I'll blast you into a crater!" he growled, without taking his eyes off his former employer, who at the moment was busy at one of the ship's control consols.
"Crater, eh? Hmmm, somehow I doubt Miss Almighty over there's gonna view that as ethical."
"Why don't you just shut up and go back to the ship?!"
But 625 was not to be moved. "She's right, you know. You really do have a problem with ethics."
Gantu growled again. "This isn't about ethics, and this has nothing to do with you! This is about -"
"About time we got started!" the grand councilwoman finished for him. "Don't you think so, Captain Gantu?"
"C-captain?"
The grand councilwoman nodded. "If you perform your duties sufficiently, I see no reason why I shouldn't reinstate your rank."
Gantu grinned confidently. 625 looked back and forth between the two of them, trying to figure out what the heck they were talking about.
"Shall we?" she asked. Her long black train trailed elegantly behind her as she turned and walked toward him.
"Yes, Ma'am!" Gantu replied, a little too eagerly.
A minute later they exited the ship, the grand councilwoman in the lead, with Gantu and 625 following at a respectful distance. Though they had no idea where she was leading them, they assumed she knew where she was going. At least, neither Gantu nor 625 felt bold enough to ask her. Both seemed contented enough to accept her explanation that a trio of exceptionally fierce and dangerous experiments had recently been activated, and were now taking up residency in a dormant volcano. Lilo and Stitch had been forbidden from approaching these experiments due to the combined danger of their location and the violent ferocity of the experiments themselves. It would be entirely up to Gantu to capture them.
After several minutes following the Federation leader down a narrow, wooded trail, 625 began to grow wary, a feeling echoed by the loud growling of his stomach. Jogging now to keep up with the taller aliens' strides, he finally decided to ask Gantu how much farther they had to go. When he received no reply, he stopped for a moment, picked up a coconut, and pitched it at the big dummy's head - BONK! - causing Gantu to curse out loud, which in turn caused the grand councilwoman to turn and glare at him suspiciously. Having no idea what had just hit him, Gantu blamed his profane outburst on falling coconuts,which was only partly true. The grand councilwoman accepted this excuse and continued down the trail. Again 625 tried to ask him, but before he decided to knock him upside the head with another coconut, he managed to get a good look at the peculiar expression on his cohort's face.
It was a sort of dreamy look; glazed, unfocused, and kind of creepy, in 625's opinion. Where had he seen that look before? Following that gaze, he stopped dead in his tracks as he realized what it was.
"Why, you big guppy!" he said loudly, finally getting his attention.
Gantu glanced down at him irritably. "What?"
"I know that look on your face! And I know what you're thinking, too!"
"What in Blitznak are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Don't play games with me, blubber-boy. Or should I say, lover-boy?"
Gantu growled. "Will you give it up for once? I told you before, I do NOT have a crush on her!"
"Yeah, I know what you told me," 625 replied impassively. "But the eyes don't lie, and you, my friend, are lying like a thick slice of bologna on a club sandwich. I saw the way you were ogling her. You've been eye-humping her ever since we started out on this hike."
Without hesitation, Gantu drew his plasma cannon out of its holster and pointed it point-blank at 625's face.
"Meega na la queesh'ta!"
he snarled, placing a finger on the trigger.
"Is there a problem, Gantu?" demanded the grand councilwoman, startling him. Frantic, Gantu shoved the cannon back into his belt and said "No, no! No problem at all, your highness."
After a three-way exchange of suspicious looks, they continued down the trail.
"I'll take care of you later," Gantu muttered threateningly to the little yellow nuisance at his heels.
"Sure you will," 625 replied, not the least bit worried. "Sure you will."
Gantu seethed a little, but let it go for the time being. The next few minutes passed in silence, as 625 watched Gantu watching the woman ahead.
"You know, I've been thinking," he said finally, and Gantu glanced at him out of the corner of his eye as though daring him to make another wisecrack. "She doesn't seem so bad, after all." He nodded in the direction of the grand councilwoman, who was just far enough ahead that she was out of earshot.
"You two would make a cute couple - I mean, once the whole shock value wore off." His voice took on an impish tone "You're not much to look at, but the 'Fuehrer' over there… she has a certain appeal…"
Taking some deep breaths, Gantu tried to remain calm as 625 blabbed on.
"…especially if you're into older women. She's in pretty good shape for her age. How old is she, anyway? I'm not one to discriminate, but…"
Steady there, Gantu. You can do this. Just tune him out. He isn't worth it. Stay focused on your task for now, then give the little trog a knuckle sandwich later!
"…and legs that go on for miles. Ooohee! And what's with the tight uniform? I mean, come on! You don't gotta show any skin to be revealing! Leave a little to the imagination! Not that I'm complaining. I gotta admit she's pretty hot for a uhhh - whatever she is. And hey, see that black train she wears? I bet it hides a nice little patooki."
Losing his cool, Gantu rounded on him and growled "Will you shut up already? Blitznak, all you ever think about is sandwiches and sex!"
"What's wrong with that?" countered 625. "A guy's gotta have something to think about when he's out in the middle of nowhere."
"Well, keep it to yourself for once!"
But 625 just didn't know when to quit. As Gantu started stomping away from him, he said "You're just cranky 'cuz you're horny. That ain't no salami in your pants."
That did it.
"I AM NOT HORNY! AND I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING IN MY PANTS!"
Seething, Gantu quickened his pace and then froze. 625, who was just catching up to him, collided with the back of his leg and bounced off. Picking himself up off the ground, he looked up to see the giant alien standing as rigidly as though he had been sculpted out of stone. Following his frightened gaze, he saw the grand councilwoman standing just a few short strides away, glaring furiously at them both.
Several hours later:
How Gantu managed to talk his way out of that awkward situation was anyone's guess. He certainly could not understand why the grand councilwoman had been so forgiving in the end. Luck had escaped him for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. Just like so many of Jumba's experiments. And he was handling it pretty darn well. Of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that he was now holding in his arms the long sought-after object of his affections; that his face was now mere inches away from hers. How in Blitznak had it come to be this way?
The grand councilwoman had been nothing short of miffed upon hearing Gantu's scandalous outburst earlier that morning. The mission had ended there, the last remnants of the former captain's hope shattered on the ground. The Federation leader turned around and headed straight back toward her ship. She should have expected something like this to happen. For too long already had she put up with Gantu's reckless indiscretion. She should have expected him to disappoint her. She should not have expected a miracle. But she should have expected the attack that came halfway back to her ship.
One of the wayward experiments - a large, beast-like blur, had descended upon her from out of nowhere. It happened so suddenly that she never had time to reach for her plasma cannon. She never even got a good look at the thing. It had come from behind and sent her straight to the ground, eating dirt. But she did not go down without a fight. ZaiLeia Miik was a warrior, and she gave that experiment quite a run for his money despite his near Stitch-like capabilities. Still, she would not walk away from that battle completely unscathed. In fact, she was hardly able to walk at all afterward. It was only lucky that Gantu had caught up to her when he did, and even more lucky that he had managed to capture the beast with his net launcher. With the monster secure in the transport container on his back, and the injured grand councilwoman equally secure in his muscular arms, Gantu had carried them both back to his ship.
Now, hours later, ZaiLeia's wounds were dressed and the vicious experiment had been dehydrated, thanks to the all-purpose dehydrator (as seen on TV!) that Gantu had recently purchased, taking cues from Jumba's solution to the untamable 627. Now, the lights were dimmed, and from a speaker on the ship's control console, soft music was playing. Now, ZaiLeia lay in a seductive pose in the middle of Gantu's enormous bed, while Gantu himself stood trembling, half in excitement, half in fear, before her.
She had been generous enough to offer him yet another chance to prove himself, though he had no idea of the implications of her offer, until she whispered something that would have made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, if he had any.
625 was grilling a tuna melt in the ship's makeshift kitchen area when Gantu walked in, clad only in his boxers. His eyes were glazed as he opened the cold storage unit and bent over to search inside it. After a minute of searching, he looked up at 625.
"Where in Blitznak is the mustard?" he demanded of the little yellow fur ball.
625 glanced around at the miscellaneous condiments surrounding him and picked up an empty jar. "Sorry, bud. All out."
Gantu growled angrily and slammed the fridge door.
"I thought you hated mustard!" 625 said, looking at him suspiciously.
"Normally I do, but if it will help get me my job back…" Gantu started, but stopped himself.
625's ears perked up at this. "Eh? And how is mustard gonna help get you your job back?"
"Never mind," Gantu growled, heading back to his bedroom.
625 ate his sandwich in one bite and rushed to follow him. "Oh, no. You're not getting away that easily! And what the heck are you two doing in there anyway?"
"That's none of your business!" Gantu shot back, opening his bedroom door.
"It is if you still want that mustard you asked for!" 625 answered in a taunting tone, pulling a brand new jar of mustard out from behind his back.
Gantu glared back at him, his eyes widening in surprise when he saw the jar.
"I thought you said we were all out!"
"I did, but I just remembered we had another jar."
Somehow, Gantu didn't quite believe him. He reached for the jar, but 625 held it away from him.
"Hey! I need that mustard!" he growled.
"Yeah? Well, so do I!" argued 625.
"Well - I need it more!" Gantu insisted, trying to grab the jar from him.
"First tell me why, and then I'll give it to you!"
"No!"
"Fine! No mustard, then!" 625 turned to go back to the kitchen. "This entire jar is going on my next Reuben!"
From inside the bedroom, the grand councilwoman called out to Gantu. He winced at the impatience in her voice.
"I'll be right in, ma'am!" he assured her, then turned to 625 and held out his hand. "The mustard. Please."
The pleading look on his face must have melted the experiment's heart, because the next thing he knew, he found himself handing the jar over to his giant friend.
"Yeesh, what's the big deal over a little mustard?" he asked, gazing up at him.
Gantu took the jar and blushed, then turned to go into his bedroom. "Remember when I told her to lay some mustard on me?"
625 nodded.
"Well, she decided to take me up on that offer."
THE END