One especially dark and creepy night in Forks, Bella stood alone, deep in the woods.
A shadow shifted between the trees. Bella squinted, trying to see what had caused the movement, when suddenly, Jacob jumped out!
"Hello Bella," he said in a sepulchral voice.
"Jacob!" Bella gasped. "Jacob, I missed you!" she cried, ecstatic, then grimaced. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to meet Edward," he said, glaring at her.
"Look Jake, I know you're in love with me and everything, but stop trying to take Edward away from me! He loves me and he's going to marry me—"
But Edward suddenly appeared, and cut her off.
"We're not here to discuss you, Bella."
"What?? You're not here to talk about me? But you're both in love me, what else are you going to talk about?"
"The vampire who just moved to Forks," he replied. "His name is...Dave."
"Let us werewolves take care of him," Jacob growled, flexing his biceps and showing his teeth.
"No," Edward said sharply. "I am so much better than you, I could take you any day. I'll take care of him!"
"Why is this Dave such a problem? Is he after me?" Bella asked, a fake expression of worry crossing her face, ruined by her inability in hide her smile at the thought that the world revolved around her.
Edward raised his eyebrows at her. "No. Why would he be after you?"
"Well, the Volturi might have sent him—"
"They didn't, so don't you bother your little head about it," he said, ruffling her hair like she was his pet. "No, we don't know exactly why Dave is here, but we think it has something to do with a girl named Winnie."
"Winnie...?" Bella repeated stupidly.
"His ex-girlfriend," Jacob explained. "We think he might be here to hurt her again."
"Well you're wrong," a snotty boy's voice said from behind Bella. She spun around dramatically, deliberately swinging her hair so that it whipped Edward in the face, knowing that he loved the smell of her hair, and he was so strong, it wouldn't hurt him.
"Dave," Jacob said from between his teeth.
"Jacob," Dave said in his arrogant voice.
"Dave," Edward growled.
"Edward," Dave sneered.
There was a pause. Finally, Bella got sick of no one paying attention to her, as all the boys were looking at each other and cornily clenching their fists, so she cried, "Bella!"
Three pairs of eyes stared at her questioningly, and just as she opened her mouth to complain that everyone was ignoring her so she demanded their attention in a really annoying way, Edward said, "It's the end for you, Dave. It's time you learned your lesson about breaking young girls' hearts."
"You're one to talk," Jacob snorted at Edward.
Bella, meanwhile, was confused. "Edward...you're...defending...other girls??"
Instead of answering, Edward, so fast Bella almost didn't see it, pulled a thick, black, hardcover book from his pocket and flung it at Dave's head, the silver lettering on the spine glinting in the moonlight.
"AHHH!!" Dave yelled, covering his head with his arms even after book fell to the ground with a thunk. "Didn't I just say you were wrong? I'm not here about Winnie! I am here...for you, Jacob."
"For me?" Jacob repeated, bewildered.
"I want to conduct..." he paused to increase the tension, "an experiment." And before Edward could enlighten everyone with what Dave was thinking, Dave lunged at Jacob and plunged his teeth into the werewolf's neck.
Jacob let out a roar of pain and anger, and Dave pulled away, a maniacal smile on his face, Jacob's blood dribbling down his chin.
"Well, that's all!" Dave chirped happily, his eyes gleaming hungrily as he licked the blood form around his mouth. "Best be off." And he swivelled on the spot and was gone.
Jacob, who had collapsed and was clutching at his wounded neck, picked up the fallen book with his free hand and hurled it at the place Dave had just vacated, but the book wouldn't have hit him even if he was still standing there; in his agony, Jacob had held onto the book too long, which ended up falling, once more, to the ground, this time with a crack as the binding broke.
Bella, meanwhile, was holding her breath and had her eyes closed, so as not to be nauseated by the sight and smell of blood, instead of dropping to her knees and frantically trying to help like true friends do.
"Bella!" Edward cried in a strangled voice, crouching beside Jacob and flapping his hands about, trying to decide what to do. "Bella, help me! Help him!"
"Can't," Bella croaked, still on her feet. "Blood makes me sick."
"But he's your friend!" Edward said over Jacob's violent, blood curdling screams.
"Suck the venom out," Bella said, remembering what Edward had done for her once before.
Edward turned to do as she suggested, but when he looked at his rival's neck, he saw that the wound had stitched itself up.
"Jacob!" he shrieked. "Jacob, the wound's closed up! I can't get the venom out!"
Bella, puzzled as always, asked, "Why has it closed up?"
"Because, silly, werewolf wounds heal fast." He sounded impatient, and continued to look worriedly down at Jacob, who was still trashing around in pain. "Unfortunately, however, it doesn't look as though the werewolf immune system can deal with vampire venom."
Jacob let out his loudest, most terrible cry yet, and still Bella didn't move. He began to shake and convulse sickeningly, and Edward yelled "Jacob!" sounding as though he shared the other's pain. And the, without warning, he swooped and kissed him full on the mouth.
"WHAT!" Bella shrieked. "Noooooo...Edward..." she moaned, and to attract his attention, she whipped off her shirt, but Edward was too busy making out with Jacob to notice.
Their hands were everywhere on each other, moving repeatedly up and down their bodies, their tongues in each other's mouths, and just as Jacob reached for Edward's shirt and Edward reached for Jacob's fly (Jacob not wearing a shirt), there was a bang and a poof
of smoke and in Jacob's place was a small orange cat with a crown on its head that read "Hecate Crown" in mysterious, fancy lettering.
"Mrrrrooooow!" Hecate said.
"So that's what happens when a vampire bites a werewolf," Bella said impassively, as she was glad that Jacob was gone so that he and Edward would stop making out, allowing Edward to devote all of his attention to her.
"Mrahahahahahaha!" came a cackle from the trees. Bella and Edward looked up from Hecate to see three dark figures looming creepily out of the shadows.
After their dramatic entrance, the figures bustled about, setting up a garbage can with assorted objects around it, among them a protein shake, witch's dentures, and a prune cookie. They began to chant:
"Hecate's presence hath called us here.
Come have we to chant and leer
And make a potion to call MacBeth,
That sexy man with alluring breath
(courtesy of a paper puffer,
Take it away and he will suffer).
And now, bow to Hecate, the queen,
And make obscene gestures MacBeth hath seen."
They began to dance about the cat, and as they danced, Bella realized that the figures were women: one, very sexy, and Bella was suddenly overcome by a strong desire to make love to her; the second, very butch, and could have easily been mistaken for a man with her buns of steel and washboard abs; and the third, a little old lady (who promptly collapsed into a deep slumber once their chant was done) from whose back issued ominous cracking noises. As they danced, they threw the objects they'd scattered earlier into the garbage can, saying things like, "In the poisoned entrails throw moooaaan," "In goes my healthy protein shake; Jenny Craig says 'No' to cake!" and "Prune cookies baked in the dark; WITCH'S DENTURES!"
"Edward," Bella whispered as she crouched down next to him. "What are they doing?"
"Summoning MacBeth." His voice was ice cold, his eyes fixed listlessly on the curious scene in front of him. "Put your shirt on," he added, and Bella hastily did as she was told.
Suddenly, the women broke out into another chant (the old lady having been awoken by a blow to her stomach delivered by the butch one):
"Creators of passion and lust,
Bearers of beautiful busts,
Oooh, the Weird Sisters we are.
People come from near and far
To hear our prophecies ring true.
And now, sweet pea, here is one for you:
Beware of the demon clowns,
Who turn your smiles into frowns.
Beware, too, of a woman with thin lips
And huge muffin-topped hips
Who unprofessionally wears no shoes;
She just might try and talk to you
And get you to analyze crap.
Oh, wouldn't you like to give her a slap!
But soft! By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes!"
As Hecate prowled away into the night, hard clicking noises could he heard from somewhere to Bella's right. Bella squinted towards the direction of the sound, and soon, she could make out a man galloping towards then. But he was not riding a horse. He was clicking two halves of a coconut together and prancing pompously towards Bella, Edward, and the Weird Sisters. Bella and Edward stood, and as he galloped closer, Bella could see that he wore a paper puffer around his neck, high pants (too short around the ankles), a vest over a long-sleeved shirt, and huge glasses sello-taped in several places.
"Oooh, MacBeth!" the sexy woman moaned (Bella shuddered at the sound of her voice, and unconsciously began undoing to buttons of her average shirt), "your breath is lovely!" She slinked forwards to put her hand on MacBeth's chest.
MacBeth began hyperventilating and had to take several puffs of his puffer before he could speak.
"Thank you," he sniffed, pushing his glasses up. "Did you know," he said in a nerdy, nasal voice, "the chemical composition of a paper puffer is better for your breath than that of a real one? That is to say, I added mouthwash—"
"Why have you come here?" Bella asked, interrupting what she was sure would have been a very educational rant, but really, she thought, Shakespeare needed to learn how to be concise.
"I was summoned," he said simply. And then he noticed the unbuttoned shirt, the way her round and luscious (though small) breasts cast shadows on her bare, slightly flabby stomach in the moonlight. Oh, the beautiful, delicate curves! An unbidden image came to him of her ugly bra suddenly vanishing—
He took several puffs of his puffer. The three women looked over to see what had caused MacBeth such distress, and their eyes fell on Bella's breasts.
"Lovely breasts darling," the butch lady said.
"Now button up," the sexy one said.
Bella flushed and did as she was told for the second time that night.
"What's this?" MacBeth asked suddenly, picking up the broken book from the ground.
Edward coughed into his fist. "A married woman's collection of romantic fantasies that she skilfully passes off as a novel. The third in the truly amazing series." This he said with absolute sincerity.
The old lady gasped at this which threw out her back with a deafening crack. Once she recovered, she said, "The book! It's the one we've been looking for!" The other two women expressed their enthusiasm in various ways that matched their different personalities. MacBeth, Edward, and Bella stood silently, watching, exchanging puzzled looks with each other (except for Edward, because he was omniscient).
Finally, the women took pity on the three bystanders, so the old lady explained, "It has been prophesied by our Mistress Hecate that—"
"The cat?" Edward asked.
"Mistress?" Bella asked, inferring dirty connotations.
The women glared at them, and they fell silent. The old lady continued.
"It has been prophesied that when this book is burned, along with the two volumes that precede it (and other various minor sacrifices), peace will be restored to the world, wounded souls will be healed, and Harry Potter will be everyone's favourite once more."
"No!!" Edward cried, dropping to his knees and throwing up his arms and lifting his face to the sky.
Bella began hyperventilating and put her hand over her chest. "Not...Harry...Potter!" she gasped. "Edward," she said bending down and shaking Edward gently, as he now lay sprawled on his stomach. "Edward, we have to go tell your family. They will know what to do."
"You're right," Edward groaned, pushing himself up. "They'll know how to prevent this prophecy from coming true." He turned to take the book from the women, but they had already added it to their makeshift cauldron.
"NOOOO!!" Edward cried again.
"Just keeping it safe!" the old lady said. Then, with much cackling, the women and their cauldron vanished.
"Bella, quick! We must go to my family, rally them up, and save those books!"
Bella jumped clumsily onto Edward's back, and he started running at top speed. Bella, whose list of things that nauseated her was quite long, closed her eyes and buried her face in Edward's back.
"Edward can run so fast," she thought dreamily as they rushed through the forest. "I still can't believe he chose me! But then, he kissed Jacob earlier...What can that mean? I mean, I can kiss Jacob all I want, but Edward can't! I won't even allow him to be some random girl's crush! I will have to talk to him..."
She opened her mouth to talk, but closed it instantly when she remembered that talking would, at the moment, make her sick.
Edward seemed to fly through the forest, skilfully dodging the encroaching trees. His confidence was boosting every second. Just as his beautiful white house came into view, though, he tripped on a root. He and Bella tumbled and rolled out of the forest. Groaning, Bella sat up and examined the damage.
"Oh no!" she whined. "Edward, hold your breath. I'm bleeding!"
"I don't need to hold my breath around you anymore, remember?" he said with a cheeky smile. "But we should get it cleaned up, or Jasper will have a fit."
Bella watched as Edward produced a swab and some disinfectant, bent down, and gently took her bleeding arm. He frowned as he examined the cut, and then began dabbing the disinfectant on it. Bella inhaled sharply at the sting of the medicine.
Edward continued wordlessly tending to her wound. Bella didn't dare ask about Jacob as, once again, she was feeling nauseous.
After Bella's cut was cleaned and patched up, she and Edward continued making their way to the Cullen house. Once inside the beautiful white house, Edward explained the dire situation to his family.
"So we have to hunt for those books and make sure nothing happens to them!" he concluded.
The entire Cullen family was appalled to hear this. They immediately began forming plans to publicize, in every way possible, this awful conspiracy, telling the whole world to guard their copies of the books. The Cullens themselves would then watch the Weird Sisters carefully, making sure they didn't get their hands on any of the books. If and when they did...they, the Cullens, would be ready.
They put their plan into action the next morning. The only problem was...finding the Sisters.
Edward suggested Alice, Bella, and Rosalie go back to the woods where he and Bella had met them the night before. Meanwhile, he, Jasper, and Emmet would search elsewhere, while Carlisle and Esme would stay at the house in case they showed up around there. They all agreed this was a good idea, and separated accordingly.
That night, after setting up their tent, Bella, Alice, and Rosalie were quietly watching for the Sisters.
"Do you really think they'll come here again?" Alice asked.
"How should I know?" Bella said. "You're the psychic."
Alice smiled. "Call it what you want, but I can't see what they're deciding on doing. It's like with the werewolves. For some reason, I can't see into the Sisters' minds."
"Maybe they're just too far away," Rosalie suggested. "In which case, it's pointless for us to be here."
"Maybe," Alice said thoughtfully. "Somehow, though, I don't think that's it."
There was a long pause while the girls were deep in thought. Then Bella broke the silence by saying, "Edward made out with Jacob last night."
Alice and Rosalie gasped. "He didn't!" Rosalie said, shocked.
"I thought he smelled a little strange," Alice commented. "What a jerk," she added.
"Yeah," Bella said. "He never was the best boyfriend. You know. Leaving me last September for no good reason and all. And then coming back, begging me to love him again."
"No kidding. I still can't believe you got back together with him," Rosalie said. "You were right to get back at him, though. You know. When you kissed Jacob?"
Bella blushed. "That wasn't getting back at him really—"
Alice cut her off. "You know, Bella," she said in a quiet voice, "if Edward can so open with his homosexuality—" Bella started to protest, but Alice continued, "then you should be, too."
"What do you mean?" Bella said softly.
"I mean," Alice said, still in a hushed voice, putting her lips against Bella's ear. Then, instead of finishing her sentence, she started lightly kissing Bella's ear. Rosalie joined in on Bella's other side, kissing her cheek.
"I never liked Emmet all that much," she muttered.
"Jasper's annoying and mute," Alice whispered.
"Edward's a jerk," Bella said in a barely audible voice.
And then they were all kissing together, taking off each other's clothes, licking necks, rolling around on the floor of their tent, forgetting all about the Sisters and the books.
Bella's stomach was churning. She'd never kissed a girl before. And now here she was—now nearly naked with two! Rosalie's mouth was exploring Bella's breasts while Alice's lips were against Bella's, sweet and comforting. Bella slid one hand in Alice's hair and let the other rest against Rosalie's back, where she unconsciously began undoing the bra strap there. And as the night went on, the girls fondled, kissed, giggled, and licked, forgetting all about the men in their lives.
Meanwhile, Edward, Jasper, and Emmet were swimming in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, making their way to Scotland, where they thought the Sisters would return to.
"You kissed Jacob?" Emmet and Jasper exclaimed, having just been told so by Edward.
"Yeah," Edward said softly.
"Right in front of Bella?" Emmet said.
"Yeah."
"What did she say?" Jasper asked in a slightly hushed voice.
"Nothing," Edward replied. "I would've thought she'd have been furious. But she didn't say anything."
"Maybe she was waiting for the right time?" Emmet suggested.
"Maybe. But we were alone together the whole way home. She could have asked about it then, and she didn't."
"Hmm. Wonder why."
"Yeah..."
There was a long pause while the boys mulled this over.
Suddenly, Jasper gasped. "Did you feel something?"
"What?" Edward and Emmet said together, alarmed.
"There's something in the water!"
The boys stopped swimming and looked wildly into the water. Then, before any of them could even open his mouth to point out what was coming, a terrifyingly ugly fish charged at them from the Ocean's depths.
Edward screamed as the fish headed straight for him, but before he could act, the fish drove its teeth into Edward's middle, and then pulled back a bit, ripping the boy's flesh. Edward cried out in pain and reached down to pry the fish's jaws out of his stomach, which now had intestines crawling out of it and floating limply in the water, as well as a great cloud of blood around it. But just as his hands reached the creature's mouth, the fish swung its head in such a way that Edward was flung head first into its mouth, whereupon the fish chewed him to pieces.
Horrified, Emmet and Jasper hurried to Scotland. They did indeed find the Sisters. They found them burning all three books of the sacred series, cackling manically.
"You lost!" they cried triumphantly. The books, which were being burned in the Sisters' garbage can, were letting off red fumes. "Now Harry Potter is everyone's favourite once more!"
"NOOOOO!!" Emmet and Jasper cried, dropping to their knees and pounding the ground in anguish.
With one final cackle, the Sisters and their garbage can vanished. And with that, all wars abruptly ended, wounded souls were healed, and indeed, all critics and children were once again raving about Harry Potter.