Disclaimer: None of this is mine, more's the pity, and I'm definitely not making any money off of it!
A/N: Just a ficlet from a plot bunny that's been floating around since "Swap Meat," so a working knowledge of that episode would probably help (and I guess, "The End" as well). Hope you enjoy it.
HEAVEN V. HELL ROUND ONE: SAVED BY THE SIRENS
By: MistWraith
It took ten patrol cars and thirty more beat cops to break up the meleé, so eager were the combatants to rend their opponents to bite-sized pieces. The thud of blows and kicks was accompanied by a variety of sounds, including snarls and growls, but it was the imprecations that took the police aback the most. Son of a whoreson pig! Hellspawn! Jezebel's daughter! Hurled side-by-side with Fucking holy roller! Religious freak! Angel suck-up!
The cops realized quickly it wasn't just a total free-for-all, that there were in fact only two factions: One that had once been neatly dressed in "business" attire—now at the least disheveled and at the most ripped to shreds--and prominent crosses; the other ranging from very casual attire and a few tattoos to full-on Goth, equally in varying states of disrepair. By dint of considerable pushing, grunting and threatening, the constabulary was able to separate the fighters into their constituent groups and shove them apart.
It wasn't easy to keep them apart, as even the "freaking holy rollers" turned out to have some surprisingly devious moves to get around the police and back to the battlefield. After about ten minutes, however, the cops were able to get each side corralled and in its own corner.
Which did nothing to stop the flow of verbal venom. One sweet-faced young girl, simple white blouse askew, glared viciously at her opposite number. "The wrath of God will be visited on your heads, minions of darkness! You will burn and scream in torment for all eternity! Maggots will eat your entrails, which will grow back again and be eaten over and over!" she screamed.
Hardened cops winced.
"You can shove your 'wrath of God,' you mindless puppet!" howled back a boy with a safety pin through his nose, writhing snake tattoos and a Mohawk dyed so black as to seem to suck light into it. "Your time is over and your heads will hang from my guitar, now that Lucifer's free!"
The cops surreptitiously eyed each other. "Lucifer's free?" mouthed one veteran officer, looking a little shaken.
"And when we take out your freakin' righteous man, you ain't got a prayer," another combatant from the same side said fervently, if ungrammatically. "Hell's going to be all over him like white on rice."
"He is protected by the power of Heaven, and by Heaven's greatest warrior!" a man in a once-fashionable suit shouted back. "You will never succeed in your demonic quest!"
By now, all of the police officers were staring at both sides, mouths agape. One officer looked up and stared at the night sky until the cop standing next to him nudged him and said, "What?"
"I'm just looking to see if it's a full moon, because the loonies are sure out in force," the first man muttered.
One young woman dressed from head to toe in black and wearing black lipstick and eyeliner, several safety pins and studded wrist braces turned to glare at the police officer who'd just spoken. "It's all your fault that I lost the bounty."
Against his better judgment, the officer found himself asking, "Bounty?"
"Hell put out a bounty on him. It's huge! Whoever gets him will be set for life. And get a whole bunch of brownie points with Lucifer." She glared at him again. "And we would've had him if you guys hadn't messed it up!"
"You're lucky the police arrived when they did," an older woman with a severe expression, brandishing a Bible like a weapon. "Heaven will not permit you to harm him and we are Heaven's agents on Earth. Smiting is too good for you minions of darkness!"
"Again with the 'minions of darkness'," one cop muttered.
She apparently had very good hearing and she turned and fixed the officer with a steely gaze. Unconsciously, he took a step backward. "We would have had him. We could have spirited him away until we could alert the angel Zachariah to his presence, but now he is lost to us again because of your bungling!"
"Bungling? Okay, that's it. Get all these nutcases downtown and into nice cozy cells. And keep them apart!"
Another cop approached him, holding two books, one in each hand. "Bible," he said, waving his right hand, "and some kind of satanic crap." Then he grinned. "Think we should transport them in separate cars."
"Funny, Joe, really funny. Just get everything cleaned up."
Joe started to walk away then stopped and turned around. "Hey, Ed, do you really think that Lucifer is running around here? Or that Hell put some kind of damn bounty on some schlub, and Heaven's trying to protect him?"
Ed shrugged. "Got no idea, but I do know one thing."
The other man raised his eyebrows, "Yeah?"
"I'm just damn glad I'm not that poor bastard!"
A few blocks away, two figures moved into an unlit alley, the shorter one limping noticeably and holding one arm to his ribs, heading for the four-wheeled steed that would get them hell out of Dodge. As they slipped into the darkness, muttered words drifted back, fading as they moved on. "Ow. Damn Hell! Ow. Damn Heaven! Ow. Damn Lucifer! Ow. Damn Zach..."
A/N: Sorry about this, but between the beginning of "The End" (which sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?) and "Swap Meat," all I could envision was roving groups battling it out to get their hands on Dean Winchester. Let me know what you think!