A/N: SPOOF. CRACK!FIC. Slightly ridonkulous and [somewhat] OOC. Thou hast been warned!
Please don't ask. I really don't even know. This is just what happens when an evil plot bunny bites (I use that term 'plot' loosely...). It attacked me a looooong time ago, and I'm just now writing it. I guess I need a break from all the emo in my other stories! Anyway, love it, hate it, whatever. I'm just glad to have it out of my system. :)
Song that sort of inspired it is "Bad Moon Rising" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Moon as in traditional werewolves (full moon) and also "bad moon rising" as in trouble is ahead, fo sho. Sneaky double reference FTW. :P
Me no own anything, so you no sue me, plz. Kthxbai. :)
Enjoy. :D
"Hey, Bella, over here!"
"AAAHH! Jacob! Like, what have you been doing?"
"Oh, nothing much. Just being hunky and working on cars. How about you?"
"OH EM GEE! There's, like, this guy at school, right, and he's, like, totally hot. Except that he's, like, really cold, and junk. That's like totally weird, right? I mean, like, how can somebody who's, like, so hot be, like, so cold? But, anyway, that's totally like whatever, because he's, like, totally gorgeous and stuff. And, like, whenever he, like, looks at me, he always looks confused, but I'm, like, confused a lot, too, so we're like a match made in China or something! Aah!"
"That's nice, Bells. How's Cha-"
"Oh, and like, every person in his family is, like, really gorgeous and stuff, too. Like, even the boys are, like, prettier than half of the people in our entire school. Can you believe that? It's so unfair!"
"Wow. So, how's Charl-"
"Oh, and they all, like, drive really nice cars. Edward, that's the gorgeous hot/cold guy, he drives a shiny Volver. You would totally, like, love it."
"I think you mean Volvo. Personally, I think only douche bags drive Volvos. So, how's Charlie been doing?"
"Charlie's totally good. He, like, fishes all the time, though. Fish, work, fish, work, sleep, fish, work. That's, like, pretty much his whole life, like, right there."
"Yeah, Billy's the same way. Well, except the work. He sleeps and he fishes. And, he watches Oprah."
"Oh, yeah, I like totally forgot about TV! Charlie, like, loves watching The View. I think that Joy Behar lady, like, totally reminds him of Renee! Oh, and like baseball and junk. That ESP channel is always on our TV!
"Yeah. I know what you mean."
"It's totally obnoxious. I, like, hate sports and junk. I mean…"
Bella continued speaking, but Jacob couldn't hear it. Images suddenly bombarded his mind. A chill passed through him as he realized he was seeing things that had not yet happened, but surely would if he didn't do something to stop it. The images flashed quickly. He saw himself crashing Bella's prom, a strand of garlic around his neck, to warn Bella about the fact that her date was an immortal being that wanted to eat her, and not in a good way. He then found himself talking to a local boy, who told Jacob that things would change, and so would he, now that Bella Swan was dating a vampire. Then, he was running through the forests of La Push, half-naked, nearly all of his hair gone, and he felt a tremor run through his body. As the tremor passed through him, he realized that he was no longer running on two legs, but on four. He was no longer human; he was a French poodle.
Jacob returned to the present, horrified. Something had to be done about these terrible visions. Jacob could not let them come true! He remembered from the visions that what put this terrifying chain of events into motion was Bella was dating this immortal creature she spoke of. Jacob would not allow that to happen. The solution was simple: kill Bella Swan. Bella continued to yammer on as Jacob thought up ways to change his destiny by ridding La Push, Forks, and the world of Isabella Marie Swan.
Somewhere in the distance, a poodle howled.