Heavy agnst, you've been warned.
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Russian Roulette
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I look him in the eye as my finger slowly squeezes the trigger. Then everything happens at once; my mind is screaming "NO!" as my heart stops in my chest. His eyes became wide, his pupils impossible small, and that small intake of breath. He flinch clearly, nearly jumps in the chair and it takes a few seconds before he can breath again. Before he realise, before I realise, that it was a loose shoot. I never wanna see him like that again.
I have a hard time understanding why I was even able to press the trigger in he first place.
So horrible, I don't think I've ever wanted to cry and scream out in agony as I want to right now. I put the gun down on the table, slowly pushing it forward and our fingers brush against each other as he takes it from me and I lean back again, bringing my shaking hands in under the table.
"Close your eyes." he says, voice so low that it almost breaks. And I do as he says, even if I don't really want to. Even though I'm afraid that I wont be able to open them again, that I wont be able to look him in the eyes again.
But I have to, cause I know that he would never be able to pull the trigger if I watched. He's asking me to close my eyes cause then he can pretend that I'm already dead. He can pretend that it's all his mind pulling a prank on him. Eyes never seem as real in your imagination.
The world grows black and I can hear his shallow breath, and how it speeds up and stops right at the moment before the click is heard and I can slowly open my eyes again as I hear him putting down the pistol on the table again.
This time when I pic up the veapon and point it towards him, I close my eyes as my finger lands on the trigger. That flinch, seeing him jump like that, seeing his life flatter in his eyes, I can't see that again.
It clicks again.
How could I press the trigger when I was pointing the gun to the only person that I would give my life for staying alive?
When I open my eyes this time I meet his right away. They seem to flicker in the low light, tears clear in the corner of his eyes. His lips are red, he must have bitten down on them and they vibrates lightly as his teeth grace over them again.
He leans forward again, and once again our fingers touch as he takes the gun out of my hand. His skin was so cold that it sent a shiver down my back and I swallow as I lean back into my chair again. Seeing how his hand shakes as he does the same. I can't help but smile at him, and he does the same and for a moment I actually believes it, believes the smile that tells me that everything will be alright. It's his saving smile, how many times have I seen him pull that smile just before he rush in and saves the day?
"Close your eyes." he says, and the moment before I do I see a tear fall down his cheek.
Memories flash behind my eyelids. Every single moment that I've spent with him, everything we've gone through since we met the first time on a empty street in the middle of the night. I hear my heart beat against the insides of my ribcage and it feels as if I can hear his too.
I clench my jaw and his breath catches again and the click syncs it.
I can't do this, I really can't do this.
But still, I open my eyes again and I pick up the gun when he push it towards me. It's only two slots left now, one chance each. I wish that it'll be he who kills me, cause I want him to stay alive, no mater what, just stay alive for me. Still, I want it to be me that kills him, cause I know that he would never be able to continue living if he'd killed somebody that he loves. His whole existence is about saving them.
"Fifty fifty, eh?"
"It's been fifty fifty the whole time." he chuckles and I curse myself for never being able to be deep and emotional with him. That, even if we both know that we love each other, we never said the words out loud. That we never spent a whole day in bed, not having sex, just talking about our selves and holding hand. That we never hugged and kissed in public, even if all our friends knew about our relationship. That I never took him in my arms and held him tight when I saw the expression his face always got when we fought in the rain.
That I didn't reach forward and brushed that tear from his face just a minute ago.
We were always so shallow. We were always just laughs and fights, constant bickering - even in bed. But I loved our bickering, and that I could always say what was on my mind when I was around him.
I pick the gun up, feeling the weight in my hand heavier than ever. And I lift it up, my hand clenching the shaft into my palm as it shakes almost violently. I take a deep breath as my finger lands on the trigger and I lift my gaze from the table to meet his eyes. Fuck, I love his eyes.
I love his bright orange hair. I love the constant scowl on his face. I love his voice. I love the deep grunt he always makes before he comes. I love how smooth the skin on his inner tights is. I love the goosebumps he gets when it's raining, or when I graze my nails lightly down is spine. I love how he arches below me. I love his hands in my hair. I love his perfectly cut finger nails. I love how he always smiles when he talks to Yuzu or Karin. I love his family. I love his room. I love how he drops his head against his desk when he's frustrated with his home works. I love his lips, and his smile. I love how he can make me loose all my senses, becoming clay in his hands that he can form however he wants. I love-
I love-
I love him.
It clicks. And I drop my hand down on the table, my head fallowing just a second later. My breath is ragged as relief wash over me. It's good, it's how it's supposed to be. There's only one slot left, one bullet.
"Ichigo."
"Yeah?" his voice is broken, his breath is heavy.
"I love you."
"I already know that, as you know I feel the same."
"Want me to close my eyes?"
He smiles again, and I want to scream at him. "Why do you smile like that when it's obvious that we wont make it? You can't save us, you can't save me!"
But he lifts his hand, holding the gun steadily this time and he says "It dosn't mater any more." Smile still on his lips.
And I freeze as realisation wash over me.
As he points the gun towards his own head.
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