Disclaimer: So yeah, I really don't own Criminal Minds...just a hopeless admirer here...
A/N: So I usually don't post CM FanFiction that I have written by myself. I usually collaborate with pinkturtle55 who writes GREAT CM FANFICTION. So if this has good turnout I might post some more of my own individual pieces.
The song that inspired this fanfiction is Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. It is a beautiful song. (And I do not own it, in case you were wondering)
I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
JJ held the small urn in her hand, it held all she had left of her sister. Taking a deep breath, she looked over the green pasture. JJ had followed her sister here many times despite being told to leave her alone, this place had been her sister's refuge.
The seventeen year old walked over the green grass, her soon to be city christened legs almost feeling foreign in their home. She looked up at the late afternoon sky and felt the sun's lukewarm rays hitting her face.
There was a slight breeze and JJ wondered if the place now seemed desolate because of her sister, or if the place had always been like this. She walked, her hands becoming sweaty around the small urn.
JJ looked ahead and squared her shoulders. She had to do this, let go. She had to stop holding on, because without letting her sister move on, JJ wouldn't either. It was the only way to get past her loss and begin to rejoice in her sister's life. Right now, she was trying to keep her sister on earth, and she didn't belong here.
JJ felt the air around her becoming cooler and she sighed as she unclicked the latch of the urn.
The next breeze came and Jennifer let the gusting air take the ashes. Watching all she had left of her sister be blown away in the wind, JJ ran after the ashes. Her strong legs carrying her next to the breeze.
She held a hand out and tried to grab what was left, but only felt the spirit of her sister slipping through her fingers. JJ ran with the wind, not really sure where she was going. The reason she came here was so she could move on and go to college without the weight of her sister's death on her heart.
She closed her eyes and continued to run, the wind wrapping around her. It felt like the warm embrace of her sister, the memory of when she hugged JJ for the last time.
"I love you," she had said, "I love you so much."
JJ hadn't even taken notice of the way her voice was thick, hadn't even thought for a second how out of the blue the hug and words were.
Coming back to reality, JJ finally began to feel her body catching up to her.
The wind was gone, the air was empty, her sister was gone, and Jennifer collapsed. Tearing grass out of the ground she sobbed loudly, unable to hold the sadness in. The pain of loss was tearing her apart, inside and out.
She touched her head to the ground, digging her fingers into the ground, crying as loud as she could, telling God, or whoever was listening, that she hurt. She was hurting more than anything. She was losing her mind within the loss.
She cried to the Gods, then screamed to them, and sobbed to them until her voice was hoarse. She cried and screamed and sobbed until there were no words left, no curses left, nothing left inside of her.
Or maybe there were too many left inside of her, and maybe JJ knew that they were only being consumed by the silence of the night.
Nobody, not even God, was listening.
JJ wiped the tears from her her dirty face as she sat up. Her chest was heaving with mewling sobs now, but the tears were subsiding. She had cried all the tears for the moment, but she knew that they would soon be back. Like the pain and memories, the bluest of her tears came in waves.
Jennifer Jareau stared up at the stars, and the way the star-spattered country sky shone reminded her relentlessly of her sister. New and lighter tears streamed down her pale cheeks. Her blue eyes pinched shut to stop the reminder of her sister the sparkling sky brought back.
She wondered if her sister was in a good place now, or if she was struggling in some terrible place. The wind blew JJ's hair back and created dry tear streaks on her face. She breathed in, her whole body feeling alive, but surrounded by complete darkness.
Wondering if her sister had felt alive like this before she died, JJ held her breath. Her lungs burned for oxygen but JJ scrunched up her face in pain and continued to keep the air inside of her. She wanted to know how her sister felt, but eventually JJ found herself gasping for air against her will.
Her breaths were loud and hoarse, her chest aching with every breath she took. Once her breathing became normal again she let her eyes flutter open and she looked to the sky.
She would say something to her sister, but as she stared into the endless black of space she knew that her sister had gone too far. JJ dug her fingers back into the dirt as another wave of realization hit her full force.
Once the waves in her heart had stopped crashing against her, trying to break her, she removed her hand from the dirt and looked up at the sky.
She breathed in and the wind started to blow again, and as it became stronger it felt more and more charged with a new energy.
As her long hair was blown back Jennifer looked up and whispered, "I love you too," to her sister. Although it had once been charged with her sister's presence, the wind now felt empty and died quickly.
JJ stood up and stared in the direction of the wind, as if she were watching her sister walk away.
Wiping her hands on her jeans and the tears off of her cheeks one more time, Jennifer turned in the opposite direction of the wind.
She walked for a long time, until the emptiness of the place crept upon her and she began to jog and eventually run. She came to the carelessly thrown empty urn after a while and stepped on it. Not even flinching as the once sacred glass crunched beneath her foot.
Approaching her old truck, JJ threw the door open and looked over the miles of pasture she'd run across in her chase to redeem her sister. As her breaths raced she searched for the right words to say. Eventually she cleared her throat, whispering as strongly as she could while feeling so broken inside, "Goodbye."
Getting in her truck and bringing it to life she didn't look back at the place in her rearview mirror, not once, because she couldn't come back to this place.
She couldn't look at that pasture, she couldn't bear to feel the empty wind.
She couldn't look at the stars, not without seeing, feeling and remembering her sister.
All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly
And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.
And I can't look at the stars
Hopefully you liked it, please leave a review. I haven't been too active lately but I am thinking that I should start up again because I love to write! Thanks for any feedback and reading. 3Ijustwantyoutoknow3