Wreck-It Ralph #2
Zangief's Big Day
It was another quiet day at the Bad-Anon Bad Guy Club. M. Bison (from Street Fighter) grew uneasy because Zangief (also from Street Fighter) literally mystically disappeared from the club to go off to who-knows-where. But nobody knew where he had gone off to. Dr. Eggman (from Sonic the Hedgehog) pictured him to be chasing a flock of pigeons and abandoning his dog. No, wait! He does not even have a dog! Never mind that! Anyway, Dr. Wily (from Mega Man) thought that Zangief might have gone off to join a herd of buffalo. But the buffalo species is that of bison. And M. Bison was named after it. But all M. Bison could think of is: I'm going to kill myself!
That's that. Nobody knew where Zangief had gone to. But the only thing that the villains were worried about was that maybe Zangief had turned right around and went Turbo. Big time. They did not want to remind themselves about Turbo the expert racer from "Turbo-Tastic." He abandoned his own game because he had lost all the fame that he thought he deserved. He kept himself at the game "Sugar Rush" and went under disguise and called himself "King Candy." But he learned his lesson about abandoning his game after he was eaten by a cybug and was boiled to a crisp.
Meanwhile, at Game Central Station, Wreck-It Ralph was thrilled and entertained after seeing Sackboy (from "LittleBigPlanet") break-dance for street performing. But this time, Venelope Von Schweetz was with Wreck-It Ralph. The two of them had such great adventures with each other, like when Venelope won the race at "Sugar Rush," when they exposed Turbo of his plan, and when they drove out all the cybugs that invaded the race and practically took the whole game down. Today, Ralph and Venelope were just doing their usual day of traveling from arcade game to arcade game, doing all sorts of wacky stuff together.
"Well, it seems to be getting late now," Venelope said with a yawn, "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure, kid. Sure. Anytime." Ralph really liked Venelope like a brother liked his sister. But Ralph is no murderer! He has a sincere heart for all good guys, and he will never give up his goodness! As he watched Venelope return to her own game, Ralph smiled a big one. He could not get rid of the joy in his big heart.
Once Venelope reached her house at "Sugar Rush," she got into her new big bed and turned out the lights. But she could not sleep because of the boiling noise over at Coca-Cola Springs. Who would be at a place like THAT at an ungodly hour. Even the light of the boiling soda shooting out of the giant chocolate-made bottle made Venelope rest uneasy. After a half hour, she could not take it anymore. She put on her bathrobe and drove out to Coca-Cola Springs to see who would be there. And sure enough, once she was inside, she saw a pair of red underwear with a golden waist belt lying on the ground. The next thing she saw was Zangief sitting in the hot springs pool naked.
"Oh! What are you doing here?" Venelope said.
"I'm just here for fun," Zangief replied
Zangief enjoyed his moment burning himself and not caring about it a single bit. He started singing and chanting in a feminine opera voice: "I'm burning my bare butt, and I don't CARE!"
Venelope looked confused about why Zangief was even there in the first place, taking a bath in the hot springs naked here in "Sugar Rush." "Uhhh… why are you not at 'Street Fighter' like you're supposed to be? And may I add that you're naked."
"Quite! I don't know why you're out here in the cold. But being out here in the cold and bathing in hot liquidy stuff is totally relaxing. I'd love to get a nice attracting tan."
"BLECH! No way! I'll talk to you later. And this isn't your game, you know that right?"
"I guess you're right." Zangief stepped out of the hot pool of Coca-Cola and put back on his boots and underwear. Venelope had to shield her eyes while Zangief put back on his clothes. When she could look again, she saw him walk out of Coca-Cola Springs with a great big red burn all over his body except for his head. Then he hopped onto his motorcycle and zoomed off into the cold bitter night.
Back at the Bad-Anon Bad Guy Club, the villains could only think about one possibility to replace Zangief. And that one was Mario's doppelganger Wario (from WarioWare, Inc.). But all Wario did was laugh too loudly and make a bunch of unnecessary noises. Dr. Eggman slapped his own face and said: "This isn't going to work!"
M. Bison grew tired and uneasy with the feeling that Zangief had to leave the club to join the pigeons or the buffalos or whatever the heck he wanted to do. Again, M. Bison thought: I'm going to kill myself.
Venelope drove on the way back to her home to get a good night's sleep. But along the way, she saw Zangief again. This time, he was frozen solid from driving through the drought of ice pops. But Zangief did not look lost or endangered. Instead he was happy with a gigantic smile on his face. Venelope thought that stranger and weirder things were starting to happen more often now. She took Zangief to her home and melted the ice off around him by pouring some hot chocolate on top of him. It may have been painful and may have burned Zangief even more, but it was just the thing to do it. Once Zangief was free, he noticed that he was standing in a puddle of hot chocolate, so he started licking it.
Venelope saw how unreasonable Zangief was being. "Hey! You want some marshmallows with that?"
Zangief looked up at her like a dog, letting his tongue hang loose from his mouth. "Bring the biggest marshmallows you've got."
But Venelope hesitated and started questioning him. "Why are you even here all by yourself?"
"I'm not alone. I've got you."
"No. I mean, why are you the only other video game character that's here in 'Sugar Rush?'"
"Look, girl: I was tired of being pushed around and picked on at the Bad-Anon Bad Guy Club. They couldn't even stand to listen to my most beautiful speech in the history of video games. It may be the shortest, but it's still the best of them all."
"How does it go like?"
"It's simple. When I hit bottom, I was crushing man's skull like sparrow eggs between my thighs. Sometimes I think to myself: 'Why do you have to be so bad, Zangief? Why can't you be more like god guy?'"
"I thought it was good guy."
"Oh yes! That's right! Anyway, then I have my moment of clarity. If Zangief is good guy, then who will crush man's skull like sparrow's egg between thighs? And I say Zangief, you are good guy!"
"Really? You're a good guy?"
"Oh! Sorry! I mean bad guy! But this does not mean you're bad guy."
"Well if you're bad guy, then why are you going around being all wacky and crazy?"
"Well because…" He stopped for a moment and thought to himself. His eyes widened. Then he started growing angry and screaming like a maniac.
Sour Bill came walking in wearing his bathrobe and said: "What's going on here?" Zangief picked up Sour Bill and threw him against two lines of Oreo guards, knocking them down like dominoes.
Zangief had the most insane moment of his life, not knowing that he had gone out of control. "Because I'm a total barnacle head!" Venelope could not find the mystery of Zangief's craziness. Not until some codes of numbers began flashing on him. She found out that he had a terrible glitch going on inside of his system, probably because he's been away from his game for too long.
"Tell me: how long have you been away from your game?"
Instantly, Zangief's insanity went down to zero. "About a week or ten days." He took a glass of milk and drank it all down.
"I think you need to go back where you belong until your crazy high stops."
"But you don't understand! I've always wanted to live the good life chasing pigeons, riding with buffalo, and dancing the Spanish way. I would be away from anyone who was telling me that I'm crazy." Zangief did not know that Sweet Tooth harbored a deep hatred for anyone who hated him so heavily.
"I know, but everyone misses you. They all like how funny you are and how you remember the days of kindergarten. You're a funny fighter, you know that?"
"I know. It's true. It's been nice sharing some burning chocolate and soda with you. But I guess now is the time that I go back home to all my friends and tell them that I'm sorry. If Zangief is bad guy, he belongs with his friends."
"Now you got it! It's been nice talking with you."
"Right. But next time we meet, we won't be friends. I shall kick your skull!"
"You mean CRUSH my skull."
"You got me."
Back at the Bad-Anon Bad Guy Club, Wario performed a disco dance party mix, mostly shaking his butt. And all of the other villains merely sat in their seats fast asleep, not paying any attention. Later on, Zangief walked in while dancing the Samba and joining in with Wario in his boogie craze. M. Bison finally got the nerve to get up from his chair and pull Zangief by the chest hairs while exiting the club place. "Welcome back, Zangief. We're going home."