A/N Possible missing scene from episode 2x12, 'The fires of Idirsholas'. Merlin's last moments with the dying Morgana.
'Some choices are easy. Some stay with you forever.'~ Merlin (episode 3x11)
Choices
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so so sorry."
He cradled Morgana in his arms as she wheezed, struggling to breathe. Her eyes were accusatory and terrified.
"I had no choice," he whispered again. "You gave me no choice."
At first she had fought him away from holding her, her struggles weak and her angry words silent, but he could hear them nonetheless. She was wordlessly screaming at him. Merlin wanted nothing more than to walk away, to escape those eyes that damned him, but instead he held her. This was his punishment. He had to watch her die. He had to go through that searing agony as the guilt ate through his heart. Besides, he couldn't let her die alone. Not when she meant so much to him.
"I didn't want to," he muttered, voice thick with repressed tears. "I want you to stay." He moved her closer so she was rested against him more comfortably, her head against his chest, his arms around her. "Why did you do it?"
He knew she couldn't answer.
The Dragon had given him a choice. It was either Arthur or Morgana...except that wasn't really the choice, not when the entire future of magic and Camelot rested on Arthur. Merlin had turned the problem over in his head. He was usually good at finding the loophole, finding the way he could do the right thing for everyone. His conscience had writhed and twisted under the pining weight of the only real option there was, biding its time, delaying a decision, waiting for the last possible second until there were no options left. Finally the revelation had sunk in; he couldn't save Morgana, he just wasn't selfish enough.
Morgana's eyes were shut now, her breathing so shallow he could no longer see it, only feel the very faint vibrations through the arms that held her close. He shut his own eyes as he felt the sickness lift off of him, knowing that he only had a few seconds left to say goodbye.
"You're leaving me all alone you know," he whispered, choking on the last words. He had imagined himself revealing his magic to her many times, imagined her delight at having someone near who carried the same weight and secret fear. Maybe if he had told her sooner he wouldn't be cradling her dying body now.
"Morgana I..."
The confession was on his lips, ready to spill over when the doors to the throne room flew open with a crash and Morgause strode in. With a cry she swept her sister into her arms and once again Merlin felt those same accusing eyes leveled at him.
"I can still save her. Tell me what you gave her."
He would always carry with him the weight of what he had done. The outcome of this moment would be irrelevant when later he would remember the instant he tricked her into drinking the poison and she had taken it with trust in her eyes...but for now at least Merlin knew he had found the loophole. For now at least he could make the right choice.