Yay, I'm finally done with this!
Okay, so this is a one-shot/song-fic thing, to the song "When We Die" by Bowling for Soup. I can't say much to summarize, cause that'd give it away, but I will say it's a good read, that doesn't take too long, and I hope you enjoy it!
By the way, the song lyrics are in Bold Italics, in case you wondering.
Well I know that it's early
And it's too hard to think
"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of someone very dear to all of us," the old minister's voice rang out through the small crowd huddled together in the cemetery. It was a cold afternoon in late November, and a chilly rain had been falling for days. It bounced and fell off the number of dark umbrellas protecting the mourners, keeping their loose hair and gaunt faces dry, and soaked the earthy ground around the many gravestones, making it soft to the touch.
And the broken empty bottles are
Reminder in the sink
Jake was sitting solemnly on a dampened bench placed at the foreground of the group. His eyes stared somewhat blankly ahead as he numbly drank in the words the minister was speaking. He slowly raised his head to glance at the sky, which was still as dim and grey as it had been all week. It felt almost as if the heavens were reflecting the grief and sadness of the small collection of mourners gathered there that day.
But I thought that I should tell you
If it's not too late to say
Jake lowered his head again as the raindrops continued to fall onto his hair and face; he let them, though; he figured maybe if he let the cold water soak through him, his mind would numb the feelings the past few weeks had brought. He then looked over to his left, where Haley was seated next to their grandfather, with Fu Dog on the ground close by. She was staring at the grave in front of them, silent tears rolling helplessly down her cheeks. As Jake returned his attention to the minister, he seemed to be finishing up with his service. He was closing the book he held and stepping toward the new grave. After bowing to it slightly, he turned then to Lao Shi, saying, "They are going with you?"
Lao Shi nodded in reply. The minister inclined his head to Jake and Haley in turn, before turning to leave. All around the three of them, people were beginning to rise and draw toward the grave to pay their last respects. Many turned to the three on the front bench and offered words of condolence. Some only stopped for a quick handshake or a false smile. Trixie and Spud approached them in the middle of it all, solemn looks on their faces. Trixie first hugged Haley, then Jake, stopping to give him a hopeful smile, which he tried hard to return.
"How are you guys doing?" Spud asked them all. "I know it's wrong to ask if you're okay – I know I wouldn't be – but…" he paused, before looking at them with a serious expression. "Are you okay?"
Jake smiled. "We will be."
"Good," Spud answered. "We'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Jake nodded as his two friends turned to leave.
I can put back all the pieces
They just might not fit the same
As he watched their retreating forms shrink farther and farther away, something in the crowd caught his eye. Or rather, someone. A man whom he had not seen in quite some time. A man who, upon locking eyes with Jake, turned immediately and walked swiftly away.
"Hey, I'll be right back," Jake said to Haley and his grandfather, not taking his eyes from where he had just seen the man. Without waiting for a reply, he headed briskly off into the throng of people exiting the cemetery. He kept his eyes peeled for a glimpse of the man he was following, but every time he would set eyes on him, another person would block his path, or the man would swerve to avoid being seen.
Cause nothing's worth losing
After a few moments of pushing and shoving through the crowd of people, Jake finally made it through the last of them, stepping out into the open air, only to see the back of the man's head duck into his car and drive away hastily. Jake just sighed and looked down at the ground. He was sure he had seen whom he'd thought he had… But it didn't make much sense. Why would he be here? After all this time? Why now? And why did he run away when Jake had seen him?
Especially the chance to make it right
After a moment he heard Haley, Fu Dog, and Lao Shi come up to stand beside him.
"You ready to go?" Haley asked quietly, resting a hand on his arm.
He turned to look at her, smiling. "Yeah. Let's go."
And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
----------------
Later that night, at Lao Shi's house, Jake was sitting in what would now be his room, on his same old bed, thinking about the day's events.
As long as we live
Time passes by
Something about the chance encounter he had had at the funeral just didn't seem right. Didn't seem…final. He was feeling like there was something he needed to do, right then… Something to fix, to reconcile.
And we won't get it back when we die
Well, that was an easy one. He knew of only one thing in his life at that moment that truly needed reconciled. The more he thought about it, the more his mind became made up. He knew what he had to do. And he had to do it tonight.
He got up from his bed and walked over to the door, each step sending a feeling of purpose and fulfillment through his veins. Before he reached the door, he remembered something. He turned to the desk and fished through the top drawer until he found what he was looking for: a simple, white envelope, nothing written on the front. He knew that now was the time to deliver it. He folded it in half and stuffed it in his pocket, before heading out the door.
When he got downstairs, he headed straight toward the front door. He stopped at the coat closet in the hall to grab a jacket: the cold air had no doubt gotten colder with the progressing darkness, and he didn't fancy freezing to death that night.
"Jake?" came a voice from the living room. The voice was followed by the small form of his grandfather entering the hall, looking at Jake in some surprise.
"I'm going out," Jake answered. Not rudely, but briefly.
"Where are you going?" Haley asked, entering the hall behind Lao Shi.
Jake looked at his grandfather. "I've got to see someone."
Lao Shi looked Jake in the eyes for a moment, before closing his eyes and nodding, understanding what his grandson was going to do. Jake nodded in return and, pulling his jacket over his shoulders, disappeared through the front door.
As he walked the quiet street, the icy night wind nipping at his fingers and face, he let his mind wander. He knew where he was going; the number of times he had been there he could never attempt to count, though it had been fully three years since his last visit. He let his feet carry him, his brain focusing on what exactly he was going to say.
Upon reaching his destination, he stopped and looked up at the house. Everything was almost the same as the last time he had seen it, though different somehow. He had once called this house 'home,' though now it seemed only a hollow shell of a life he once had. The windows were dark. The yard was overgrown. The gutters were rusted. The roof shingles were covered in three years of grime. If he hadn't known otherwise, he might've guessed no one had lived here for quite some time. But he knew better.
He stepped slowly up the familiar steps toward the front door which he used to run through after school each day, tossing aside his backpack and sprinting off toward the TV or his bedroom. But this time it was different. He didn't pull open the door and barge in. He stood silently in front of it and knocked three times, waiting for an answer.
After a moment, he heard low, shuffling footsteps on the other side of the door. The knob jiggled, and the door parted ever so slightly to reveal a slim view of the face Jake had seen at the cemetery that afternoon, the eye seeming wet with tears shed so often, they could now never be erased. This eye widened upon seeing the boy on the doorstep, and the door opened a bit farther.
"Jake…" the man said in a strained, croaked voice.
Jake looked at him, determination in his eyes, and answered, "Dad."
Well I know it's been years now
And I don't look the same
"What are you doing here?" Jonathan demanded, unable to hide the wonder in his voice.
"I know I saw you at the funeral today," Jake said, ignoring the question. He paused. "…Can I come in?"
His father looked down for a moment, before stepping aside to let his son in to the house.
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain
They walked into the kitchen, and Jonathan sat down at a stool beside the counter. Jake remained standing, before stating again, "I saw you today. At the cemetery."
His father looked at him, not denying the fact.
"What were you doing there?"
"I think it's pretty obvious what I was doing—"
"You know what I mean," Jake interrupted impatiently. "It's been three years, Dad. You do remember what happened that night, don't you?"
Jonathan looked at the ground, not able to speak. "I…"
--Flashback--
"Jonathan…we've got something to tell you…"
And the room feels so empty
Where my pictures used to be
The Long family was gathered in the living room of their home, where Susan had called a 'family meeting', refusing to tell her husband what it was about ahead of time.
"What?" he asked, growing more and more worried at the grave looks on the faces of his family.
"We, um…" Susan began, "I mean…Jake, Haley and I… We are… I mean, we're not…" She stopped, seemingly having difficulty finding the words. She sighed, closing her eyes.
"Is…everything alright…?" Jonathan asked, still more worried than before.
"Yes, everything's fine," Susan answered. "But… Maybe it'd be easier just to show you."
"Show me…what?" her husband inquired, now more confused than worried. He watched as his wife shot Jake a meaningful look, and he nodded in reply, before turning cautiously toward his father and muttering something inaudibly under his breath.
The next moment, he was engulfed in bright flames which passed as quickly as they had come, leaving where the boy had just been standing a great, red dragon, which continued to glance at Jonathan in a somewhat hopeful manner.
And I can't say that I blame you
But you can't blame me
Jonathan could only stare. What had just happened before his eyes what unthinkable, impossible, and yet…it had happened. He took a few steps backward, a look of utter shock and horror on his face as he stared at the creature in front of him.
"My family and I…" Susan began again, "we're…dragons. Well, at least Jake and Haley are, as well as my dad. It skips a generation." She laughed somewhat uncomfortably, as her husband continued to stare at their son in shock.
Jake took a step forward. "Dad?"
"No!" Jonathan shouted, taking yet another step back. "Get away from me, you…monster!"
Jake's eyes widened in fear and hurt. "W-What?"
Cause nothing's worth losing
Haley grabbed her mother's sleeve. "Mom, what's happening? You said it'd be okay! You said he'd—"
"I don't know." Susan answered, before turning to her husband. "Jonathan, please," she begged. "Don't do this. I'm sorry we never told you! We're sorry! But we're still your family! We haven't changed! We still love you!"
"You're not my family," he replied almost coldly. "You're only a lie. All I've ever know…has been a lie."
"Dad," Jake said, reverting back to human form. "Come on—"
"Stop!" Jonathan interrupted. "You are not my son. I don't even know who you are."
"Yes, you do!" Jake persisted, stepping toward his father. "I am your son! And Haley's still your daughter, and our mother is still your wife!" He stopped in front of his father, staring him down, trying to make him understand. "You loved us once. And we were wrong to keep this from you, we know that. That's why we had to tell you. We felt that you deserved it. We convinced each other that nothing would change – that you'd accept us for who we really were. That you'd still love us. You're trying to tell me we were wrong? That after all this time, now that you finally know the truth, you think it's been a lie? We were a family! And you're gonna just throw all that away?"
Especially the chance to make it right
"You're right," Jonathan said. The others looked hopeful for a moment, until, "We were a family. But that was before I knew you were all lying monster freaks!" The others froze, afraid of what he might say next. "But now I know better. I loved you once, but I know now… All that love was, was lies."
"No…" Susan said softly, slowly shaking her head as tears formed in her eyes.
"No!" Jake shouted, echoing his mother much more loudly. "How can you do this? Look at them!" He flung his arm back behind him, pointing at Haley and their mother, both of whom were staring at Jonathan, on the verge of tears. "You loved them! You provided for them! You were there for them! Now look what you're doing to them!" Jonathan remind silent, glaring at Jake as he shouted angrily up at him. "I don't understand you! You're my father! I thought I knew you!"
And I know that we're gonna be fine
"I thought I knew you!" Jonathan repeated. "I thought you were my family, my friends. I thought I loved you. But I was wrong."
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
"How can you say that?" Jake persisted. "You know, I thought you were stronger than that. We all did. We were almost convinced that you'd accept us. But I guess we overestimated you. It takes a really weak person to let fear or shock control his emotions. We thought you were above that. But it looks like we were wrong."
"Stop it!" Jonathan shouted, outraged. Then, with an angry snarl, he swiftly raised his arm and forcefully back-handed Jake hard across the face, knocking him off his feet and onto the floor with a pained shout.
As long as we live
Time passes by
Susan gasped and Haley screamed, grabbing her mother's sleeve more tightly. "Why is this happening?" she cried out hysterically. "This wasn't supposed to happen! You said everything would be okay! You said he'd still love us just like he always did! How could you say that if it wasn't true?"
Susan knelt down and hugged Haley tightly. "I'm sorry, Haley. I'm so sorry."
And we won't get it back when we die
"No," Jake said in a low voice from the other side of the room.
Come over, come over
Susan looked over to see him slowly rising to his feet, using the arm of the sofa for support, his back to his father. "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. You did what any good parent would do."
Cause I gotta know
If I am doing this all on my own
He turned his head to barely view his father, who was still glaring at him angrily. "You told us you didn't love us… Said we were monsters. But the only monster I see here…is you." He closed his eyes and turned away, not looking at his father. "Maybe we are better off without you."
Come over, come over
Jake and Susan looked at each other, and Jake nodded. Without a word, the three of them silently turned to leave.
"Are you alright?" Jonathan barely heard his wife ask from near the door.
"Fine," Jake answered softly. "Let's just get out of here."
How can I show you if you're not here
And with that, the front door closed behind them, and they were gone, leaving Jonathan standing in the living room, anger and confusion still coursing through his body, until he finally sank into an armchair, head in his hand, no thoughts puzzling his mind, as numbness began to spread through him.
--End Flashback--
"So why'd you come today?" Jake asked his father again.
Jonathan thought a moment. "I don't know," he finally answered. Jake didn't speak, but waited for him to go on. "I'm not sure if it was because I wanted to see you guys again, or maybe because I knew that somehow, her death was my fault… But I…"
After seeing that he was not going to continue, Jake spoke again. "We've wanted to see you too, you know. We don't hate you for deserting us. Maybe we said we did at first, but we all knew it wasn't true. It was hard…without you around. Mom stopped working after only a few months, did you know that?"
Jonathan looked up, listening intently, willing Jake to continue.
"When we first left, she had enough money to support the family fine for a while. We bought a small house near grandpa's shop, so we'd still be close to him and Haley and I wouldn't have to switch schools. Pretty soon though, it got hard for her. She wasn't taking things well. The therapy wasn't helping at all; she just…seemed to stop living. I had to take three different jobs just to keep us from losing the house. When things sort of became too much for me to handle, Haley took over one of the jobs to give me a bit of a break. But trust me, it still wasn't easy."
Jonathan watched his son tell his story, feeling the icy sting of the reality he caused burn him to his core. His family…he had caused them so much pain. He had thought he didn't care. But he was wrong.
And I know that we're gonna be fine
"Haley and I were okay after some time," Jake continued solemnly. "But Mom…she was never the same." He stopped again, staring off into the distance, recalling past memories. "Then… Last week…"
Jonathan stared into his son's eyes, eyes filled with sorrow and pain. He knew what Jake was referring to.
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
"It was me that found her, you know," Jake said suddenly.
"You…did?" Jonathan was at a loss. He didn't know what to say, though he'd known it would come to this eventually.
"Yeah. Last Friday…after school…"
--Flashback--
"So you're not working today?" Haley asked as Jake pulled out his house key and inserted it into the lock.
"No, they didn't need me," he replied, turning the key and opening the door. "I'm not complaining, though. It'll be nice to have one afternoon off, even if I've still got work after dark." He took his key back out and walked into the house, Haley following close behind.
"Mom?" she called. "We're home!" There was no immediate answer. "She must be sleeping again. I'm gonna go into the laundry room and get ready for work, if you wanna go find her."
"Sure," Jake replied, before climbing the stairs. He stopped in his room to throw down his school things, before following toward the end of the hall, where his mother's room was. He knocked twice on the door. "Mom? You in there?" When there was no answer, he slowly and quietly turned the knob and pushed open the door.
His mother was laying in her bed, seemingly asleep, her back to him. Jake walked over toward her, laying a hand on her shoulder, which felt surprisingly cold. "Mom? Hey, we're home." She didn't wake. Confused, and now growing worried, Jake shook her shoulder slightly, before turning her to lie on her back. Her eyes were closed, her face ghostly pale. She was unnaturally still.
"Mom?" Jake said again, now more desperate and frantic. He laid his head on her chest, but could hear no heartbeat. His eyes widened as he straightened again. He felt her wrist and lower jaw line, searching for a pulse, but could find no sign of one.
"No…" he whispered, backing away from the bed. He ran a hand through his hair in a nervous manner, the other hand shaking by his side. He glanced at her bedside table, on which an empty bottle of anti-depressants was lying on its side, the sole remaining pill resting forlornly nearby. Jake shook his head in disbelief, knowing then what his mother had done.
Next to the forgotten bottle was lain a simple, white envelope, unadorned and unaddressed. Jake picked it up carefully and, with shaking hands, pulled open the unsealed flap and extracted the letter inside. It was addressed, though not to him, but he read through it quickly anyway. His eyes widened as he scanned the words scrawled messily across the page, then shot to his mother, still lying feebly in her bed. He watched her for a moment, not entirely sure what he was waiting for, before coming back to his senses and hastily folding up the letter, stuffing it back into the envelope, and stowing it in his pocket. He then bolted out the bedroom door, shouting his sister's name frantically, worrying all the while what was going to happen next.
--End Flashback--
"This is all my fault…" Jonathan said, more to himself than to Jake, who looked up at him in a serious manner, but did not speak.
As long as we live
Time passes by
"I never even thought of what would happen to all of you without me. I let my emotions at that moment dictate my decision, and I didn't even try to look into the future, or even the past. I didn't for once consider the effect my actions would have, on all of us."
Jake shook his head silently. "I don't blame you," he said quietly. Jonathan looked up at him in surprise. "For a while, I thought I did. Even convinced myself that you were the bad guy. But you know what happened over these last three years?" Jonathan remained silent. Jake smiled. "I've grown up."
Jonathan smiled back. "That you have."
"I don't think like a kid anymore. I know that it's not always about placing the blame or finding the culprit. Sometimes, things happen, but that doesn't mean it's anyone's fault. All we can do is try our hardest to get through it, and hope like hell we live to see tomorrow, so we can set things straight. That's what really matters, after all…right?" He looked up at his father, still smiling. Jonathan knew what he was getting at.
And we won't get it back when we die
"You're right," he replied. "And I mean it this time. I know that what I've done is wrong – that's what I've learned over these years. All I can hope for now is that you and Haley can forgive me."
Jake's smile widened, his eyes softening. "We already have. She's never said it, but I could tell that Haley's wanted you back for a long time. She was never really mad at you in the first place. She remained convinced that one day, you'd come around. She never gave up hope. And that gave me hope, too. I just…" he looked down. "I wish Mom had seen that sooner."
And I know that we're gonna be fine
(And I know that we're gonna be fine)
Jonathan looked at his son, studying him. As his eyes glanced over the look on Jake's face, and his mind echoed the words he had spoken.
"You know," Jonathan began, "I think I just figured out something."
Jake looked up at him. "What?"
"Why I went to your mother's funeral today." He looked off into the distance, as if searching for the right words. "It was because, I wanted to say goodbye. Goodbye to the woman I once loved, and have loved all these years. Goodbye to the children I've cared for all my life, whom I never knew if I would see again. I wasn't planning to speak with either of you, I wasn't even sure I wanted you to see me, but I wanted to be there, to let your mother know, somehow, that after everything that's happened, I still love her. I still love you all."
Jake looked at his father, a smile slowly spreading across his face. "You do?"
"I do," Jonathan replied. "You are my family, no matter what I said that night. Nothing will ever change that."
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
"Hey, that reminds me," Jake said suddenly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a folded envelope. "This is for you," he said, handing it to his father. "Mom wrote it, before…" he trailed off as Jonathan took the letter, opening it carefully and pulling out the worn letter. He looked at Jake, who nodded encouragingly, before unfolding it and beginning to read.
My dearest Jonathan,
It's been fully three years, and life without you hasn't been the same. It's been unbearable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can do is cry. And lately, even that's been hard to do. I know you probably hate me still, hate me for not telling you the truth, hate me for simply being what I am. But as I look back now, knowing how you feel, I do not regret my actions. If I had told you the truth when we met, you likely would have left me then and there, and we would never have spent all those happy years together, made all those memories that still live inside my aching heart. We would never have had two of the most wonderful children, who are continuing to grow each day. My only regret is that you cannot see them now. They are not as I am. They are strong. They are still living. They will go on. But I… I cannot. I am afraid my time is nearly spent. All these days wasted away mourning and grieving… I'm tired of it. I'm done. But before I go, I had to let you know, Jonathan, I still love you. I have never stopped loving you. Perhaps that is why I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much to know, that we will never be together again. But I think…somewhere inside, I know that you still love me too. You always have. I trust you, and I believe in you. I know you will get this, somehow, and you will know. That is my request, my final wish.
Goodbye, my love.
Jonathan read the letter twice through, tears beginning to form in his eyes. When he looked back at Jake, he found compassion and understanding in the eyes of his seventeen-year-old son.
As long as we live
Time passes by
Neither of them spoke another word, as Jonathan rose from his stool and followed Jake as he headed toward the front door. When he reached the doorframe, he turned to look at his father, one last time. They smiled at each other, sharing a mutual understanding, the sense of finality that had been lacking that afternoon now filling both their spirits, cleansing their minds. Without a sound, Jake turned and closed the door behind him.
And we won't get it back when we die
As Jake walked home through the cold night air, and as Jonathan slowly climbed the stairs to his bedroom, both knew that this would be the last time they ever spoke.
Come over, come over
The past had left a scar, the kind of scar that could not be healed, no matter the words spoken or feelings shared. They knew that there was no going back to the way things were, no way to erase the past.
Come over, come over
These were their lives now, and both knew that no matter what the future held, they were content. The reconciliation that had been sought for so long had finally been found.
Come over, come over
The battle was over, but the wounds left behind would last a lifetime.
I gotta know
But through all this, they had reached an understanding, one that made the burden on each of their shoulders a bit lighter, and gave them the strength the press on.
And we won't get it back when we die
They may not have been truly happy, but they were content. And for them, that was enough.
Well I know that it's early…
The end!
Well? Well? Whaddaya think? This was really hard to write, let me tell you. Especially the flashback scenes.
So review and let me know if all my hard thinking paid off, kay? Thanks a bunch!
--MM--