Diamond Dogs

"Really darling, I wish you'd let me make you a new suit. Those green fatigues you're wearing are just so drab."

John, a.k.a. Naked Snake, a.k.a. Big Boss, remained silent. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been called darling, and wasn't sure if he'd encountered anyone who commented on his fatigues being "drab." But he remained silent. Remained silent because, those doubts aside, he was 100% sure he'd never encountered a talking pony that wanted to measure him up for a suit either.

"I'm fine," the mercenary said, noticing the pony staring at him quizzically. "Besides, if I want a suit…I'm sure we can do it when we get back."

Not bloody likely, the operative told himself. This was very much a sneaking mission, even if there was no threat of terrorism, nuclear armageddon or a mix of the two. Get in, get the target and get out with his sanity still intact.

"Well, here we are darling," the pony said, trotting ahead of her bi-pedal acquaintance. "The place where you can find your friends."

"Right. Friends."

Friends. Right. John had given up on friends long ago. Some friends he'd been forced to kill. Some friends he'd parted ways with. Other friends looked up to him to such an extent that he could no longer consider them friends due to the gulf of skill that separated them. It was indicative of what the world was like, the mercenary reflected. There were no friends during the Cold War, only allies and enemies. And while this pony seemed to be of a friendly sort, he wasn't going to start reciprocating the favour.

"This is where you found them?" John asked, looking out over the mounds of dirt and holes before them.

"Well, actually, they found me," the pony admitted. "But yes…the dogs are here…"

"Uh-huh…"

John believed her. There was no reason for her to lie, and after seeing what that purple pony (or unicorn, whatever) could do with her horn, the mercenary suspected that if she wanted to use her magic on him, there'd be precious little he could do.

Then how did the diamond dogs get her?

Well, maybe she used her fashion sense on them. Either way, John needed a new army. The Diamond Dogs. And to get them, he'd have to go to a realm even more insane than that of the Sorrow and-…

"Oh look, there they are darling."

John crouched down by the rock and pulled out his binoculars. The pony began commenting on how he was able to store everything from assault rifles to cigarettes in his tiny squares that appeared out of nowhere, but he waved a hand to shut her up. His target was in his sight. The diamond dogs.

Bloody hell…and I thought the Cobra Unit was fucked up…

Actually, "fucked up" wasn't the right term. The dogs were strange, in all their bi-pedal, fanged and clawed glory, but they at least had a certain uniformity to them. Perfect soldiers, with the right training.

"Well darling, you've seen them now," the pony said uneasily, wanting to get away from it all. "Now if you could just-…"

John stood up, ignoring her. He had what he wanted. He saw his targets.

The diamond dogs saw him as well. Or at least one of them did. But with an exclamation mark appearing in the air above him, the others quickly caught on.

"Hi," John said. "I was wondering if-…"

"Get 'em!"

The diamond dogs meant business. Even if they weren't bearing their fangs, even if they weren't charging at them, the evasion music had started.

"Darling, we should-…"

John ignored her. The diamond dogs didn't want to speak? Fine. He got out his tranquilizer pistol and popped off a round.

"Gah, that bites!"

One of the dogs keeled over, his two companions stopping to help him. John walked forward.

"Heel," he said.

The dogs did so. Rather quickly in fact.

John raised an eyebrow. He was surprised they'd submitted so quickly. Heck, the boss music had never even started playing. Still, either way, these dogs would have to face the music.

"Right," the mercenary said. "You have questions, no doubt. But first-…"

"Please…we'll do anything," one of the dogs whined. "Please…just save us…"

"Um-…"

"Save us from her!"

Her?

John glanced around his shoulder, half expecting to see the Boss or Eva behind him. But all he saw was the pony. That blasted pony.

"Please," the dog whimpered. "We can't stand her…her whining! We can't go through it again!"

"Whining?" John asked. The pony looked up at him.

"Oh, it's a long story darling," she said airily. "But basically I educated them on the difference between whining and complaining. I think they got the message at the end."

A low whine emanated from one of the dogs. Claws withdrawn, fangs in place…the pony had them in her pocket. That is, if she wore any.

And come to think of it, maybe not all the Diamond Dogs unit had to be composed of canines…

A/N

So, Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes has been unveiled, and there's a group called the Diamond Dogs in it.

...Somehow that made me think of the diamond dogs of My Little Pony.

...Makes sense, right? 0_0