Voldemort Can't Stop the Love
Oh yeah, um, I don't own Potter or Potter related characters.
Story updates on Mondays. And reviews would be so appreciated that it's not even funny.
Chapter One
Leopold could think of several ways to describe the situation, however the only word that seemed truly fitting was "ridiculous."
He knew that when he came into the office and Kingsley Shacklebolt smiled at him, today would not be a good day. It was well known around the Auror department that when Shacklebolt smiled, you'd end up frowning. Shacklebolt had a wicked sense of humor that somehow always seemed to be at its peak when his fellow Aurors where at their most uncomfortable. And since Shacklebolt not only smiled, he brought Leopold coffee and attempted to make a joke, Leopold almost broke down into fearful tears at his desk. Leopold knew he was going to die.
"Ackerley! Can you come into my office for a moment?" Funeral music began to inexplicably ring in Leopold's ears. Visions of his own rather painful death played in his head in rapid succession. Many of his coworkers stuck their heads out of their cubicles in time to give him sympathetic looks as he made his way to his doom. His partner gave him a pat on the back and told Leopold that he'd wait at least a week before putting in a request for a new partner.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" Leopold stood on the threshold of Shacklebolt's office, unwilling to actually enter. Shacklebolt was sitting at his desk with his hands folded, a placid smile on his face. Another wave of fear ripped through Leopold. He considered quitting before Shacklebolt could say anything, fleeing from the office and becoming a roadie for the Weird Sisters. Sure that'd be a waste of his extensive Auror training, but so would death.
"Come in, Ackerley, come in! I have an assignment for you."
"Are you going to kill me, sir?" Leopold blurted out before he could stop himself. Kingsley chuckled amicably and a steady stream of terror coursed through Leopold's veins.
"Not this week, that's next week's little project. This week I have something much better than that."
"Better for whom, exactly?" Leopold tried to ignore the apparent foreshadowing of his demise, hoping he could somehow injure himself during this assignment and be unable to work next week. It didn't occur to him that Shacklebolt could perhaps be attempting to make another joke.
"Oh, well that has yet to be determined. You may find yourself quite honored by the job," Shacklebolt replied, his smile growing. Leopold closed his eyes to prevent himself from wondering if Shacklebolt was somehow a reincarnation of the Dark Lord.
"I highly doubt that, sir, but what is it?"
"Quite right, I shouldn't prolong this for much longer. Time's a wasting, as the muggles say." Shacklebolt laughed.
"Oh dear god, you are going to kill me!" Leopold clutched his chest in horror, resisting the urge to fling himself bodily from the room.
"Quit being so dramatic, Ackerley. This will be fun. Sit down, sit down." Shacklebolt waved his wand at the chair in front of his desk, which slid backward, its arm moving to beckon him inside in a manner that would have been come hither had it been human. "Let's get down to business, shall we?"
"I've never been so afraid in my life, sir." Shacklebolt ignored Leopold's comment, pulling out a folder from his desk drawer. Leopold flinched at the movement, wincing at the flash of green light in his mind's eye.
"This mission concerns Harry Potter. You do remember Potter, don't you?" Leopold refrained from pointing out how unnecessary this question was. Harry Potter was currently in Auror training, having ridden his Chosen One fame to its utmost potential and finding himself in need of a job. He was constantly followed around by an orbit of gibbering people, most of the time looking as though he'd much like to hex them out of existence. Leopold pitied the young man and made it his job to at least be mildly polite to him whenever their paths crossed in the lifts or in the break room.
"Yes, sir. The entire world remembers Potter and he works for this department."
"Well, good. The more familiar you are with Potter, the better." Shacklebolt's smile returned. Leopold's heart skipped several beats. "Since his much publicized split from Miss Ginevra Weasley, Potter has found himself the object of many an adoring female fan. And while that would be…enjoyable for most, it has put quite a strain on Potter's life. The women are desperate. Last week he was almost killed by a stuffed animal infused with some sort of Dark spell designed to rip his clothing off."
"While I'm sure being the object of affection for women everywhere is probably most trying for Harry Potter," Leopold started sarcastically, disregarding the immense amount of jealousy that had fused with his fear. "What does this have to do with me, sir?"
"Everything. Potter is too stubborn to accept a body guard, so we have been forced to think of alternate means of protecting him so that he can continue on with his training and living his life."
"You're stalling, sir."
"We decided that Potter should have an Auror with him all times, however since he won't acknowledge body guard help, we need to make it look like something else. Something that makes Potter both unavailable and undesirable."
"And that is?"
"Marriage."
"Who's the lucky lady?"
"You are." Leopold froze and the silence in the room became so intense it was almost comical.
"I—I don't think I heard you correctly, sir. Am I to understand that you wish me to dress as a woman and marry Harry Potter?"
"Oh, no no no! You did misunderstand me. I want you to marry Harry Potter. There will be no dressing as a woman required." Leopold froze again, staring at Kingsley Shacklebolt in open-mouthed shock.
"Sir, I—um, I don't know what you have heard, but I am not gay. In fact, I haven't met a man who loves women more than I. Just yesterday I chanced upon an encounter with a young woman who did this curious thing with her wand—" Shacklebolt held up his hand to stop Leopold from finishing the sentence. Leopold smirked a little, remembering the woman he met in the Leaky Cauldron and wondering if she'd be there when he got off work and if she managed to find her wand again—
"I assure you, your recent sexual exploits are not only none of my concern, they are deeply frightening to me. No one said that you were gay. The point is to make Potter undesirable to women by forcing them believe they have no chance with him. And what man would be most unattractive to a woman interested in love? A gay man. Not only that, a gay married man." Leopold had no idea what to say. It was true that Leopold had once confessed in the break room that he'd understood why people flocked to Potter and that the guy was probably be the only man Leopold would go gay for, but Shacklebolt couldn't possibly have heard that. Furthermore, this was completely ridiculous.
"This assignment is completely ridiculous, sir."
"Why do you say that, Ackerley? The well being of one of your fellow Aurors is at stake and you think that is ridiculous?"
"We all obtained several N.E.W.T.s while at Hogwarts, I find it hard to believe that no one in this department could think of a proper plan to help out the Potter kid."
"This is the proper plan we came up with. And Potter seemed…willing…to give it a try." Leopold paused, unsure if the question he was about to ask would be answered in the way he would have liked.
"Is, uh, is Potter gay, sir?"
"What about me suggests that I care about the sexual orientations of my Aurors? I don't know, nor to I want to know, if Potter is gay. This is the best solution we could come up with and I think you're the best man for the job. You are fairly good looking, everyone would believe that you and Potter are a match." Leopold could not believe what he was hearing and indeed could not believe that it was coming from the usually stern faced and serious Kingsley Shacklebolt. Shacklebolt was not only grinning in savage amusement, he was twiddling his thumbs innocently. Leopold suddenly found himself wishing Kingsley had sent him to his death instead.
"While I'm a bit flattered that you just called me good looking, I don't think it'll work, sir."
"Why not?"
"For one thing, I'm straight. And that will become blaringly apparent when I sleep with woman and don't touch Potter."
"Well then you won't be doing those things, will you? It is up to you to make this realistic. If that means putting your sexual romps on hold, then you damn well put them on hold." Shacklebolt's deep voice resonated with a hint of irritation. "Potter's protection is in your hands."
"This is a gross misuse of my extensive Auror training. Pretending to be the husband of the most well known wizard in the world was not in the Auror department's leaflet. Had it been, I may have listened to my mother and took up a job in the Department of International Magical Cooperation."
"But they do not get enjoyable missions such as this one in Magical Cooperation." Leopold knew that the more he argued, the more amusement Shacklebolt would gain from the situation. He may have been unable to think of a way out of it now, but he'd figure something out by the end of the day.
"I'd rather you kill me, sir."
"What did I tell you about being dramatic, Ackerley?"