AUTHOR'S NOTE: Take this fic with good faith and humor. Charity to all and malice to none and all that.

Disclaimer: Neither the Mentalist nor TVtropes is mine. The story, all of it, is.

This story is set in my TV tropes universe. It happens after Fiery Finding and Troublesome Tropes.

REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW. THANKS.

Sacramento

Lisbon found Jane on his usual sofa. He was taping furiously on his laptop. Jane and a laptop? Since when?

"Jane."

"Oh, hi, Lisbon. You need me or something?"

"No, not really." She sat beside him. "Care to tell what are you typing?"

"I am writing a fanfiction."

"Fanfiction? What's that?"

"It's a story about a fiction, but made by fans instead of the original creator."

"A way to pass the time."

"More than that, for some."

"I don't know you like this stuff."

"I don't. I'm writing this fic to warn writers about the danger of Said Bookism."

"Said Bookism?" Lisbon repeated. "That the thing we talked about when we looked up Tvtropes?"

"Yes," Jane affirmed. "You know, when writers go out of their way to avoid the word said—"

"I remember what it is," Lisbon interrupted. "The dialogue is supposed to speak of itself without needing fancy tags. What's the point of writing about it?"

"So writers know it sucks," Jane explained. "And it's not realistic."

"I don't understand," Lisbon confessed.

"Let me explain," Jane volunteered. "See this line? '"Go to hell", she hissed'. The writer uses "hissed" repeatedly. You try hiss that line."

"Gss tss hsellss," Lisbon hissed. "I can't do it."

"Of course you can't!" Jane exclaimed. "Snakes hiss. Not people. Your characters shouldn't be forced to speak like animals."

"Interesting," Lisbon agreed. "There anything else?"

"Sure there are," Jane smile. "See this. '"Get out of here," he laughed'. Comma before quotation marks, that means he laughs that line. Try to laugh it."

"Ghetha haoffaha heah," Lisbon laughed. "It's damned painful."

"Absolutely," Jane confirmed. "The correct use is period, quotation mark, and capital. Like this, '"Get out of here." He laughed.' He speak first, then laugh. So much better."

"Okay," Lisbon accepted. "Good points so far. But...what about this one? Verbs after sentence?"

"Aha," Jane ahaed. "Get this. '"Come here," she nodded.' Nod those two words."

"—" Lisbon nodded. "Wait a minute, you cannot nod words."

"Exactly!" Jane congratulated. "Try smile them. Sneer them."

"—" Lisbon smiled.

"—" Lisbon sneered.

"All right, you win," Lisbon gave up. "I can't smile or sneer a word."

"Lastly, try this one," Jane giggled. "'I'm coming,' he ejaculated'. Ejaculate that one."

"I—Holy sh—"

"PG-13!" Jane freaked, Curse-cut-short. "PG-13!"

"Holy mother of God," Lisbon minced. "Okay, okay, I get it."

"Congratulations," Jane congratulated. "We can't nod or smile or sneer or concede or manage words. Or ejaculate it, God forbid! Or whatever. We can only say words. Writers who use fancy verbs like that are so wrong."

"They won't like you for this, Jane," Lisbon warned. "Oh, they'll say it's supposed to be figure of speech. You know, so we can better picture it."

"Figure of speech my ass," Jane dismissed. "Go ahead and pile up those verbs. Why bother? 'Said' says it all."

"I still disagree," Lisbon disagreed.

"Come on," Jane teased. "Remember why it's bad? You said it yourself. Dialogue is supposed to speak of itself without needing fancy tags."

"What I mean is, why write this?" Lisbon demanded. "To piss off your readers? Fellow fanfic writers?"

"Not really, I just want better writing for everyone," Jane shrugged. "You give me an idea, though. 'Red-faced Fanfic Writers'. Yes. I'll title it with that."

"They'll still think you're downright offending them."

"That's why I'll put up AUTHOR'S NOTE before the story starts. Charity to all and malice to none and all that. So, in case you skip it and get offended by my writing, scroll up. Otherwise, after this, it ends with FIN."

FIN