a/n: hi so this story is a little serious. like, rlly
serious! this fic is quite angst-filled, and it's
a bit out of my reach, y'know? also: inspiration
was taken from multiple sources, some of those
sources being stand-up poetry, and other things
i have read. so if those came out here, i apologise!
i meant no harm.
extended a/n: warnings! negl like this story
has quite the amount of trigger warnings.
the main and most obvious warning is:
detailed eating disorder (major bulimia;
minor anorexia). secondary trigger warnings
are prescription drug abuse and internalized
bullying. please be careful when reading this
fic.
enjoy!
(Also known as: 7 times Tsuna hid his eating disorder from his guardians, but the 1 time Tsuna got caught.)
Alternatively, in which Tsuna has a really big problem but refuses to accept it.
0.
It is November, a month after Tsuna's thirteenth birthday. It begins here in Namimori Middle, when Tsuna is quiet - dame, always, dame - and perpetually nervous. He eats the bento that mama made him, his mother's Salisbury steak sliding down his throat coupled with rice. He doesn't want to be hungry for his history exam because it'll distract him. Which is: entirely ridiculous because he knows that he'll fail it either way. Regardless, he needs to try because he can't bear to see the smiling but disappointed face of mama when he hands her the big fat 'F' as he mumbles an excuse.
He throws up before the exam. It's probably just nerves. Luckily he has some water with him so he doesn't have to sit the exam with the taste of vomit in his mouth.
This occasion happens once more.
-0.5.
Precisely, it happens after he meets Reborn.
He tells him that it's because of the pictures of Nono's dead sons.
This is something he's going to keep himself. His secret. The only thing he has left.
If he needs to take it to his grave… well. So be it.
-1.
It is short ways before he's about to fight Mukuro that this happens again. He's thrown up before and after an occasional exam but not like this. He reasons that it's a stomach bug to his mother who stares at him with worrying eyes, but she keeps quiet - and he's just thankful for that.
(He doesn't want to give Reborn another reason to quip up with a 'Dame-Tsuna' and a talk of how weak he is.)
It becomes a thing. Tsuna doesn't eat when he's stressed. When he does, it usually comes up. He hates the taste of vomit in his mouth so when he's really stressed, he just doesn't eat. Everyone has their own ways of coping with stress. It's not weird. He just doesn't really talk about it. Which isn't a big deal. So what if he throws up before fighting Mukuro? So what if he throws up after fighting Mukuro, after seeing Mukuro get taken by the Vindice? Tsuna's happy that in the days after, no one notices that he hasn't eaten much. There had just been so much stuff that took priority: trying to survive Reborn's Spartan training, stopping everyone from fighting, assignments to do. He likes to list it in that order as if that's the order of importance.
But he's okay. More than okay. Because he has friends.
And unsurprisingly, it is Gokudera to be the first to see the way Tsuna's ribs just seem to stick out naturally. It is after one of Reborn's Spartan training lessons, and Tsuna's taking his shirt off, the fabric matted with sweat, as he replaces it with a fresh one. Gokudera is at his side immediately as he says:
"Juudaime! Have you been eating well lately? Your ribs are showing-"
Tsuna just offers a smile even if he's slightly dubious. Tsuna's ribs have always showed, but the way Gokudera says it made it kind of gross. It makes him feel… unsettled.
"Oh? They've always been like that, Gokudera-kun!"
His right-hand man just nods brightly, "Whatever you say, Juudaime!"
(If Tsuna had noticed, he would have seen the way the worry in Gokudera's eyes didn't leave, just intensified as a look was shared to Reborn. But Tsuna doesn't notice.)
The conversation ends there.
(Tsuna likes being able to control it. He no longer needs to do anything drastic like sticking a finger down his throat.)
(When Tsuna's training calls for him to use the Dying Will pills, he doesn't care about how exceptionally big they are. After all, he's mastered his gag reflex by now.)
-2.
Of all the guardians, Tsuna is glad that it's Yamamoto that finds him on his knees worshiping the porcelain god. Yamamoto who will certainly not take this that seriously.
"Are you okay, Tsuna?"
The first thing Tsuna thinks is shit. He's going to know. It makes him want to throw up just thinking about it. His stomach churns painfully. No, no, no - he heaves then spits into the bowl.
"Are you okay?" Yamamoto repeats.
Tsuna lies, "Just dizzy." He winces at the sound of his voice, it's horrible. His throat is getting really tender since he just got over a fever. It's hard to keep track of everything. He's been stressed because of the fight with the Varia (that just ended a week ago) and school and Reborn and the guardians, and he just really doesn't know how much more of this he can take. He's probably thrown up twice every day this week and three times almost immediately after the fight with Xanxus.
The peace does not last long. Tsuna feels a lurch and he leans over the toilet bowl again. It's only dry heaves now. There's nothing left to throw up. Still the stomach contractions leave his eyes watering.
There's a glass of water in front of his face. He drinks greedily for a few sips but then the hand pulls it away. It's Yamamoto.
"Whoa, easy! Slowly, alright? Or you'll make yourself sicker."
"Thank you," Tsuna croaks quietly. He feels bad for lying.
"I looked up a remedy to settle your stomach!"
Tsuna looks up, stares at the other glass in Yamamoto's hand that is full of things that Tsuna is sure should not be mixed together. "What's in it?"
"Haha, do you really want to know?"
Unfortunately, the remedy makes him puke. It's disgusting.
Yamamoto is wiping his hair from his face, rubbing his back.
(If Tsuna had turned around right then, maybe he would have noticed the way Yamamoto's eyes were so serious, his lips tight in a line as worry flooded his features. Maybe.)
When Yamamoto asks Tsuna if he wants to go with him after school to have some sushi at Takesushi, he surely doesn't straighten up uncomfortably against the stall wall. He smiles and nods with an "Of course."
Tsuna still feels bad. Even when Yamamoto tells him a joke. He laughs though, even if it makes his stomach hurt.
-3.
He shouldn't be surprised when Lambo is the next one to find him.
It is a couple of days after the beginning of training with the ten years later Hibari.
And Tsuna is hunched over a toilet bowl again, and he's dry heaving. Tears are filling his eyes, black spots dotting his vision as he sways slightly.
He has to be "strong" for everyone. No time for weakness right now. He has to focus on getting everyone back to the past, back home. He alienates himself for everyone lately, begins to love training because training means he doesn't have to see everyone. He doesn't have to see everyone and bite back the guilt he feels - the guilt because it is his fault that everyone is here. It's Tsuna's fault that he's brought Yamamoto in a timeline where his father is dead, it's Tsuna's fault that Lambo and I-pin can't see mama.
So he trains and trains some more.
Forgets what idleness was like in the first place. Fighting becomes his normalcy.
Sometimes (all times) the pressure feels like too much and he wishes he could force it out from him. He knows this trick, if he leans forward slightly and pushes slightly on his stomach followed by a quick contraction, it's almost like a heavy sigh. Effortless.
Tsuna spends three days straight getting slammed into a wall, and he almost thanks the adult Hibari each time. Each slam into the wall is a new catharsis. He soon finds a pattern. Rhythmic.
He crashes after finally managing to land a stable hit against Hibari and sleeps for eighteen hours straight but when he wakes up he trains some more. He throws up everything he eats even though he tries to make sure he's not running on empty before they start planning their way inside the Merone Base. He has a hollow pain in his stomach whenever the guardians all gather together for lunch, even if he's eating - he still feels so empty, but he forces himself to work through it. He has to do this and do it well.
Lambo is just singing as he goes to the bathroom when he hears the sound of someone puking. Curiosity grabbing him, he skips over as he notices brunet hair. Cheering, he begins, "Bwahaha! Dame-Tsuna -"
It is then that Lambo stops because Tsuna really doesn't look okay.
Tsuna's body goes literally rigid as he turns abruptly. The action is enough to cause nausea to shoot up his skull as he heaves into the toilet. He stands, goes to mouthwash and pops a mint.
Lambo is silent during the entirety of it all until Tsuna picks the tiny Bovino up. "How about we get some ice cream, ne, Lambo?"
The younger just nods, staring at Tsuna with an imploring gaze.
"Sorry, I was just feeling a bit ill," the older brunet says casually, voice being a practiced calm.
"Tsuna-nii -" It is a serious time in which the young Thunder guardian starts this way before he continues, "Are you sure?"
(Because on the contrary, Lambo has seen many times where his older brother has thrown up in the bathroom upstairs when he thinks no one is paying attention.)
(Lambo pays attention to his Tsuna-nii a lot. He's seen the way Tsuna has a bottle of Listerine in his room, a bottle of Listerine in the bathroom. He'd seen the way Tsuna is in the bathroom at periodic times of the day, always changing times, sporadic, before they were blasted to the future. And in the future, he's seen the way Tsuna is in the bathroom routinely now.)
"Of course, Lambo," Tsuna presses a kiss to Lambo's cheek as they walk inside the kitchen. He fishes a pint of ice cream and two spoons. Tsuna winces when he sees the fat content but it tastes good and it'll come out easily later.
-4.
It's after the whole ordeal at the Merone Base when he's puking again.
Weak, weak, weak -
Even after all of that, he's still so weak - and honestly: he can't help but think about how he'll never be the famed Vongola Decimo of the future's time.
Either way, it's an awkward sort of situation. They're now back in the past (the present?), but they can't stay. Tsuna doesn't even bother hiding his stress from the whole situation. He's in school, and honestly: he doesn't even know why he's here at this point.
They get an exam in history, any Tsuna takes it - knowing he's going to fail it - but he goes to the bathroom afterwards regardless.
He's been in the bathroom for an entire hour, puking. He pukes breakfast, his dinner - bile mixed with blood. Tsuna's trembling as he collapses.
(In hindsight, he would have heard the door creaking as someone enters.)
(If he had been awake, he would have seen the way Hibari's eyes softened in uncharacteristic confusion.)
(He also would have thought that maybe he should stop puking in the Namimori bathrooms. He's lucky that he didn't faceplant into the toilet.)
When he wakes up, he's on a couch. More specifically, the disciplinary committee's reception room couch. Tsuna shoots up awake as the vertigo sets in. He slowly flinches as he trembles, arms wrapping around himself. The chilling feeling is back -
No, no, no control -
Hibari is there immediately at his side with a bucket which Tsuna accepts as his stomach lurches. Tsuna swears that it is near possible for him to throw up a lung at this point.
Eyes shutting as he dry heaves. There's nothing left for him to puke except his stomach acid and blood, and his throat feels so unhelpfully scorching. It doesn't help that he still feels so unsettled. He wishes that he had eaten lunch, at least throwing up substance is better than throwing up nothing.
The pain should be a dull ache at this point, but it isn't.
Hibari is pushing Tsuna's unruly hair out of his face, and he wants to thank the older but he's too busy attempting to puke his kidney.
"Little animal, you're sick," Hibari states.
Tsuna just nods as he leans back, sucking in air shakily. He stares into the bucket. His stomach contracting violently, the stench of his own vomit fills his nostrils as he quivers. Eyes watery as he slowly pushes the bucket away from him. Hibari takes the bucket and calls a member of the disciplinary committee to pick it up.
Hibari grips Tsuna's wrist, and the brunet blankly stares at the other. The grip is harsh, and Tsuna can't help but think of the way that Hibari would just have to quirk his wrist, and just like that: broken. Hibari could break Tsuna, easy. Something about that thought makes all of the difference in Tsuna. He inexplicably feels something inside him shift, subtle yet axis-tipping in its enormity.
"Why?"
The brunet looks up at the question, eyebrows knitting in confusion.
Why what?
"You were not sick in the future. You were not sick after coming back from the future. But you are vomiting. Why?"
"I… I don't know -"
For once Tsuna really doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how to excuse this. How is he going to lie to Hibari when - no doubt - the other will know if he's lying? So he stays quiet.
The older just sighs, takes his hand as he leads the Sky to a special bathroom inside the reception room. Allows the younger to clear the taste of vomit out of his mouth. After that, leads the other back to the couch where the brunet collapses to sleep for the rest of the afternoon.
Tsuna doesn't dream.
(But as Hibari stares at the youth as he rests, the carnivore can really only wonder if the little animal's bones were hollow like a baby bird's.)
(He remembers a fact about how mother birds throw up food in the mouths of their children to make sure they eat.)
(He wants to shake the boy awake, wants to stare Sawada Tsunayoshi in the eyes and ask him who is he trying to feed by emptying himself?)
-5.
Tsuna is surprised he doesn't puke sooner.
He hadn't puked before or after the Rain seal. Nor does he at the Cloud, Mist, Storm, Sky seal - but just the thought of fighting Reborn is enough to make his blood run cold.
It is bad enough, he thinks, that he is to fight his tutor, his mentor, his teacher - but no: he has to bring his guardians in this fight. The thought makes his stomach churn in the most unpleasant of ways.
Some part of him just knows that this isn't going to end well. All's well that ends well.
By the time they make it to the very edge of Namimori, stares at the boats lying on the beach, Tsuna turns around and finds himself calculating the consequence of trying to run back. He's finding it hard to keep the contents of his stomach from rising as he stares at the currents of the water. He taps Gokudera's arm, once, twice, thrice - he sees concern in his right hand man's posture before he turns around and goes to a bush. It's a signal. A silent gesture that's he's not feeling well.
"Tsuna-nii - where are you going?" Lambo questions, softly, as he's held in Ryohei's arms.
He pauses, constructs the smiling sky he always is, "I'll be right back, I just don't feel well, Lambo." The brunet finds himself walking back slightly into the shrubbery.
(If he had turned around, he would have saw the way the guardians stared at his retreating figure stiffly, varying levels of concern.)
It's his business. He has learnt that there is a catharsis in pain. Without exception. He might as well prepare for the downfall. For the disappointment. Hurting himself is a pre-emptive move. He can't possibly hurt more.
(At least this way, Tsuna calls the shots. Tsuna is in control of his own pain.)
Better this way. All's well that ends well.
He's on his knees in front of a bush. He can't do this for too long; the others will get too suspicious - they already are. A cruel part of him whispers, 'They know, they know, they know! They know how utterly retched - utterly sick - you are. They'll hate you. They'll be disappointed. That's what you are, anyway - Dame-Tsuna. All you are.'
It's enough to make the bile rise quicker. He feels the familiar warm putrid feeling rise up his throat, the bitter acid in his mouth before it comes out in tingles. When it's all over, all he can feel is a burning in his throat and mouth and stomach - as if he had shot an X-Burner in his insides.
His stomach rejects his lunch, rejects his breakfast, rejects last night's dinner. He trembles as his body keeps rejecting everything until finally: the emptiness sets in. He blinks owlishly at the mess he's made with watery eyes as dots blot his vision. He's so exhausted, hasn't slept properly in days. The awful stench is absolutely overwhelming. The taste of vomit in his mouth is disgusting as his stomach threatened to dry-heave again.
He hears footsteps, and he turns around (barely) as he sees Ryohei standing there. He's shaking. The older is looking at him with eyes of concern and worry, and no - he wants to yell, for him to stop looking at him like that.
Tsuna makes it a note to always smell good. Always has. He always smells like soap and Listerine. But right now, he doesn't smell like either. Tsuna crawls slightly away from the vomit as he runs his fingers through his hair, the tears in his eyes streaking his cheeks, whimpers quietly in fear and shame.
Ryohei actually doesn't say anything just offers a hand as he helps the Sky stand up. The Sun guardian just pulls Tsuna into a hug when he doesn't resist. He thanks the stars that the older doesn't mention that his ribs can be felt through his shirt and that the knobs of his spine are sharp under the boxer's palms.
Ryohei ruffles his hair as he hands him a bottle of water and a tablet that Tsuna's brain recognises as a painkiller.
"Thank you," Tsuna mumbles, his voice is soft but it's a croak regardless.
"Don't worry, we'll extremely win!" The older cheers, softer than usual but loud by any standard. It makes Tsuna feel much better about himself, though, so he doesn't complain. He assumes that Ryohei's passed this off as nerves like everyone.
(In his right mind maybe he would have noticed the way Ryohei's eyes seemed to be perpetually soft, shifty. As if this ordeal has only confirmed a suspicion. Thankfully, he wasn't in his right mind.)
They walk back to the group, and the battle starts the second they arrive at the island.
The results of what follows doesn't surprise him anymore. But he told himself it would hurt when they lost, and it hurt even more than he expected, truthfully. In the bitter parts of his mind, he tells himself he'll never get over pain.
How weak.
-6.
Tsuna is good at it now. Insanely good.
He knows all the tricks.
And he uses them, now. Now, when he has so much more responsibility than he can handle in any case.
He thinks it's a good thing that it is Chrome who finds him after the Choice battle. After the battle when they need to worry about inheriting the power of the Vongola. Everything is just getting so much more real - and he can't. He can't do this. He can't protect Yuni, can't save the future, can't get Primo's will. He doesn't want to do this, never has.
So, he takes it out on himself. For not being assertive enough to stop people from walking all over him. Why did Fate have to hate him so much?
He's weak, all he ever is. He's Dame-Tsuna, and that's all he'll ever be.
He's not surprised either, when Chrome is the one who gets the closest to discovering what's going on. Chrome, who is always so observant -
Tsuna is quick to hide the pattern, though. When an exam comes his way, he smiles and takes it. Resists the urge to vomit. Eats lunch like a normal person. Then, when he's home, when he's alone, he'll let it all out. The manifestation of his stress takes the form of a cathartic release of his stomach and nails ripping into his thighs, tears streaking his cheeks. He's been quick to hide the noise after I-pin knocked and asked if he was alright one day.
He doesn't see Chrome often, but when he does, she talks to him immediately. It's been two days since coming back from the future. This is the first time he's seen her since then, and that should make all the difference because they're in a busy marketplace.
It had been after one of his releases, and she - who was every bit of broken as he, but he hadn't known it at the time - just stares at him in worry before, "Bossu… Are you alright?"
He forces a smile once more, nods, "Of course."
(Chrome really does look like she wants to object. Because no, he's not alright. And she knows. Chrome, who has been around liars all of her life - she does not need her Boss, one of very few people she trusts at any point, to lie to her too. Not him, not him too.)
-7.
It is too much.
It's during the fight with Daemon when Mukuro comes out, and when he spots Sawada Tsunayoshi standing there, he is honestly appalled.
Because why does Tsunayoshi look as if he hadn't slept in days, hadn't eaten in days?
(In hindsight, Mukuro wonders why he cares for this teenager.)
But the older can't help but notice the purple and blue ringing his eyes, his normally gravity-defying hair looked dull and thin and Mukuro would bet that if he were to run a hand through the younger's hair that the younger's hair would fall out the second he touched it.
It's after the fight with Byakuran, much later after the events that followed, later when Mukuro takes over Chrome's body again, so he can confront this boy, this boy who is supposed to a boss of an entire mafia, this boy who is supposed to be a boss of an entire mafia and certainly doesn't look like it.
Chrome had been at Tsuna's house when Mukuro had taken over, making it all the easier to confront the brunet. They had been in the kitchen, and Mukuro blinks before staring at Tsunayoshi. The brunet blinks back before nodding and greeting.
(Even the boy's greeting had sounded dull.)
Tsuna's grip on a fork seems to intensify as the grip goes white before tiny release. Mukuro only then really notices the slice of cake in front of both of them. The older feels a tiny sense of pride knowing what Chrome had been trying to do.
(Mukuro isn't dumb, and he can work out the pieces immediately. But he'll play Tsuna's game.)
A silent agreement between the two is reached as they stare across the counter at each other. Mukuro won't mention what's wrong to anyone. It's better not to. But who is it better for? Mukuro? Or Tsuna?
+1.
It is after the fight with the Shimon, after the fight with Daemon Spade, the second time. It's been at least a week since it's happened. And only now, does it seem, that the stress has finally released, finally seeped out of the broken bones that broke once more after the Oath flame dissolved into nothingness. He had been in and out of consciousness.
But when he's finally back at school, he almost wishes he had stayed out of commission.
When he walks to school, he's tired, so tired, but he had never been sleeping well to begin with so it's nothing new. There's nothing dramatic about it in itself.
Sometime from when Tsuna had been hung from the roof of the school with Enma to being back in the classroom with a Math test in front of him, that's when his insides starts to churn once more in the familiar sort of fashion. He sucks it down, sucks his stomach in. He pulls his water bottle out of his backpack with a tiny pain pill. He swallows it dry and gulps water before turning his attention back to his test.
He can do this.
It's only when the bell rings for the end of school that he can release the tight coil of his stomach as he calmly walks home, silent as Yamamoto and Gokudera walk next to him. He excuses himself to the bathroom quickly to puke his guts out.
It was, is, and would forever be not a big deal. Not to Tsuna, at least.
It is almost a game to him, really. How long can he go without throwing up his innards? He only feels diluted pity for everyone as they watch him transform from a boy to a body, to a skeleton with skin, to a skeleton in a box.
His breakfast, last night's dinner and the works come out. He's relieved.
He stands up slightly, and just like that: the room is spinning.
Horrid.
An arm appears out of nowhere to steady him and he's out of it enough, he doesn't question it. He just hangs on.
"Juudaime…"
"Tsuna…"
He turns carefully to see Yamamoto and Gokudera standing there with Lambo whimpering as he clings to Yamamoto's leg and Reborn perched with his fedora covering his expression. He wants to rip his already thinning hair out because no, no, no - they weren't supposed to see this. This was the only thing he had left, the only thing he had that was truly his. But his stomach does a flip and he's on his knees in front of the toilet once more. It's humiliating enough to be seen doing that without his best friends, tutor and younger brother witnessing him spewing out his meals in reverse order. He tries to stop it. He doesn't want an audience. He never wanted to invite them into his problems. Usually he can at least make it happen faster but he's so tired it's just easier not to fight it.
The bitter part of his mind just mutters, 'Fine, sure. They can watch if they want to.'
With them all in there, he can only feel so tiny as he can hear himself make the ugly retching sounds and the pained pants between the heaving. He sits beside the toilet after a particular nasty heave with one hand holding his ribs. Gokudera and Yamamoto excuse themselves to grab some water for him as they bring Lambo out of the room with them. It is only him and Reborn in the bathroom as Tsuna stares blankly at him. His throat hurts too much to speak. Reborn has his phone in his hands as his fingers move across the keys.
"I alerted the others to come to the house. They'll be here in a couple of minutes." His tutor says emotionlessly, pocketing the device before staring back at his student.
Tsuna opens his mouth and snaps it shut before putting his head in his hands. He doesn't want to explain. But he knows he has to.
There's no hiding from this anymore.
Tsuna can feel the familiar pressure in his chest. He lets go. When he opens his eyes, they are stinging, but he can see with some satisfaction that the chips he ate as a marker two nights ago has resurfaced. He keeps going until the dribble of low calorie green jello Tsuna ate as a base when he was getting treated by Shamal emerges. He coughs tasting stale lime. He's sure there's nothing left but there's a bit of bile that came up as well. He spits shallowly into the mess then wipes his mouth with a tissue paper and flushes away the evidence. If only it were that simple.
He grabs the mouthwash on the sink and rinses the taste from his mouth. It's not time yet but he doesn't care. He washes his hands and pops another two pain pills. He coughs, dry swallowing on a tender throat is painful even on pain pills.
Gokudera is back, handing the bottle of water to him, and Yamamoto is at his side, uncertain.
Tsuna takes it wearily, sipping it. He doesn't think he could be sick again, but he doesn't want to test that theory.
"Tsuna… I saw you take a pain pill earlier before the math test and that's two just right now - I think I saw blood…" Yamamoto starts.
Tsuna just shakes his head. Hearing the sound of his door opening and a chime of his mother, "Tsuna, your friends are here!" from downstairs, he shakes his head once more.
He'll explain. His family deserves that much.
Well, it turns out, that he doesn't really want to explain the second he gets downstairs. Bianchi ushers his mother out of the house, thankfully, with Fuuta and I-pin well on their tails.
All of the guardians are there, settled on his couch. Hibari is on the far left corner, arms crossed, next to Ryohei who is sitting quietly with an equally quiet Lambo on his lap. Two empty spaces that are eventually taken up by Yamamoto and Gokudera in the middle with Reborn on Yamamoto's shoulder as always, and to their right is Chrome who is stiff as a board with Mukuro sitting to her right, as well. Tsuna sits in a seat in front of them. He doesn't want to do this. Doesn't want to play twenty questions. He wants to push himself so far into the couch cushions that he disappears completely.
"Start talking, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn stares at him impatiently.
'Or what?' His bitter mind challenges. 'You'll shoot me? It's not like I have any regrets. Go on.' He wants to push back. Tsuna stays quiet though, before finally he shrugs, "I have food poisoning."
"There was blood, Tsuna-nii!" Lambo cries out, tears prickling the baby Bovino's eyes.
Tsuna is so exhausted, he doesn't bother to deny it as the other guardians look at him quietly. "It happens." It would sound better if his voice didn't sound more like a croak. He stares at the others and wills them to believe the lie.
"No it doesn't. Can you hear yourself? Have you said that enough that you actually believe your own bullshit? Let me tell you what I think." Reborn says, quickly, in the way he always does when he's angry at him.
Tsuna just stares back, gestures like 'go ahead' because he knows when Reborn wants to say something, he will. Tsuna squeezes his eyes shut as if he could shut out the words.
"You have a permanent case of food poisoning. You had it ever since I met you. Maybe before that." Reborn growls.
The guardians turn to Tsuna, hope in their eyes that he'll deny it. That he'll be their normal Sky who will just smile and have all their doubts leave them. But he just stares back, blankly. Pained stares all around.
Hibari is angry. Flashing, hot anger. "You know, a lot of people get this permanent food poisoning also known as an eating disorder. For you, I'd say 40% anorexia, 60% bulimia. Time and time again, you're constantly placed under stress and scrutiny. You're a perfect candidate for an eating disorder."
Tsuna flinches but doesn't deny it. Hibari is right, always, and he is brutal when he is.
'You don't care. None of you cared or even noticed. You want to be right? Fine, you're right. I'm fucked up. Be happy and leave me alone.' His mind screams. It isn't until he's blinking back tears that he feels the way his throat scorches. He's standing all of a sudden, and he knows… oh. What was once in his head, he's now said. His guardians are blown back by the sudden bout of anger from the normally patient brunet.
Tsuna sinks back down in his chair as he curls into a coil of himself.
"When?" Ryohei begins, trembling where he sits. "When did this start?"
Tsuna shrugs, he can't exactly remember, "Little after I turned thirteen."
Gokudera is shaking, "H-How, Juudaime? How -"
"It was after a test. I had eaten before hand, I had studied hard for the test, I puked."
"When did it happen again?" Chrome asks softly.
"After I met Reborn."
Reborn stiffens.
"It happened often after that." Tsuna continues, "Usually after tests, exams. It happened later after fights. I was stressed."
"Why are you so nonchalant about this, Tsunayoshi?" Mukuro's voice is an eerie calm.
"Everyone has their own way to deal with stress," Tsuna says casually, simply. "Stop making a big deal out of this, it's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal, Tsuna-nii!" Lambo shouts, crying, whimpering.
"You didn't deserve for this to happen to you," Yamamoto mutters out.
'Deserve it?' The bitter part of Tsuna's mind spites. 'What does that even mean? Life isn't fair. How can anyone deserve or not deserve anything?'
Tsuna doesn't say anything to that.
"We're sorry -"
"Don't be."
The guardians sit back stunned.
"Why should you be sorry for something that was so beyond your control?"
"Juudaime…" Gokudera begins. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Just… Why? We want to understand… We don't understand…"
He wants to tear his hair out, he doesn't know what to say. 'Can't you all see? Neither do I.'
Tsuna really doesn't know how to answer that as he stares blankly back. He shuts his eyes before opening them as he begins.
"'Dame-Tsuna, you can't do anything right.', 'Dame-Tsuna, you'll never amount to anything in life.'. Imagine hearing that every day ever since the day you were born. Their words were metal disks that thrown at just the right angle severed my shins, and dropped me to my knees on the cold tiles of my bathroom floor. I would always look up to God and ask, 'Why?' What did I do to deserve this? I was being melodramatic, I have to admit. After all, life is supposed to suck, right?"
Everyone is frozen in shock as they don't dare interrupt Tsuna.
He continues, "I weighed 70 pounds. Like, if I stepped on your foot, you wouldn't even feel it. But I… I wanted to make them feel it. Constantly, I felt like a freak with their words. Alienated. I had no friends for years. It wasn't until Reborn came that I got friends, and that should have been great, right? But… I was overwhelmed. I didn't…" He swallows back tears as he weakly adds, "It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun."
"Before I had met Reborn, I had bought these drinks. The kind old people get when they can't keep their food down. The drinks I drank because I didn't have a problem swallowing my pride, I just wanted some to begin with. It came in so many flavors but the aftertaste made me puke either way.
"Every day, I would stand in the shower and watch my hips jut out from my waist in triangles. I wondered why I could never keep food down before tests, after tests if I were just going to fail them anyway. I just always… Always passed it off as me being useless, as always."
"Tsuna-nii," Lambo chokes out. Tears are streaming down the younger's face, and Tsuna opens his arms as the younger comes running to hug him. He doesn't make a sound when the other launches into his embrace as he holds the younger close to him. An anchor.
"Tsuna," Reborn says softly, "You have a problem."
He shakes his head, "It's not a big deal."
Ryohei is shaking his head, too, "Tsuna, stop this! It is a big deal." And Tsuna's head is spinning because Ryohei has never called him this until just now, and that should be the hint of the severity of the situation.
"It's not. It's a coping mechanism," He answers quickly. Lambo's sniffles are getting louder, echoes in his ears, echoes like lightning and thunder flashing in the sky.
"A self-destructive coping mechanism," Mukuro retorts but the worry is permanent on his face. "You're destroying yourself from the inside out, Tsunayoshi, open your eyes -"
"Bossu," Chrome interrupts Mukuro, and she flashes him an apologetic look before continuing, "Please, we can help you, we can get help for you -"
"I don't need help because it isn't a problem," Tsuna says stubbornly. He is how he always is. Softly spoken and sharp edges. His mind croons to him, singing as Tsuna lets the tears that are welling up in his eyes fall. 'They are not here to help you. Only to shame you.'
"Juudaime, please! Listen to us! We can get you help, just please -" Gokudera pleads, tears welling in his own eyes.
"Tsuna, you saved all of us at least once, please just let us save you this time," Yamamoto looks at him, sad and serious.
Hibari says carefully, eyes soft but his words are steeled, "There's nothing empowering about lessening yourself, little animal. Tsunayoshi, this isn't nothing. You're killing yourself."
Lambo cries out at Hibari's words, "Tsuna-nii, please! Please stop!"
Tsuna doesn't know what to say anymore. He thinks maybe he shouldn't say anything at all.
Reborn hops off Yamamoto's shoulder onto the coffee table. Stares at Tsuna.
"Tsuna," Reborn starts. Tsuna blinks. The tutor points to an empty chair. "Imagine your younger self sitting there. Now, tell that little child that he's not good enough. Tell him that he's useless. When he comes to you hungry, do not feed him."
Tsuna trembles at Reborn's words, "N-No -"
"Why not?" The tutor says calmly.
"Because…" Silence follows the fall out.
"Then why do you call yourself these things? Why do you do this to yourself?"
"..."
"Tsuna… Listen to your guardians. They want to help you."
"I don't want help," Tsuna mumbles. 'You don't deserve help. You're sick, just sick.' His mind chimes in.
"Tsuna, you only ever eat dinner when mama suggests it."
Gokudera is sobbing at this point, hands cradling his head, mumbling about how he should have known, should have saw the signs - could have done something but didn't - how he is supposed to be Tsuna's right-hand man, no: he's supposed to be Tsuna's best friend.
Yamamoto rubbing Gokudera's back, soothingly, but no amount of rain will be able to wash away the look of despair on his face because the person who saved him from ending it all was killing himself slowly, this entire time, and he didn't realise it.
Ryohei who is shaking in shock because he never would have expected something like this to happen to Tsuna, who didn't deserve this, because he's read information about eating disorders, but he's never thought it would hit this close to him.
Hibari sitting in silence because he doesn't know how to get Tsuna to see what he's doing, doesn't know how to find the words to tell Tsuna that he's better than this, doesn't know how to convince Tsunayoshi to stop hurting himself.
Chrome wiping tears from her eye in silence, wanting so desperately to beg to her beloved Boss to stop this, to accept the help to get better, knowing completely that wishing is useless and that Tsuna had to want to get better.
Mukuro wanting to comfort Chrome, but he's at a loss because he never expected Sawada Tsunayoshi to have been doing this for more than a year - after all, for one who was so against killing, he had been killing himself.
Lambo crying loudly, the only noise in the room, because his Tsuna-nii is killing himself, and Lambo has had to watch him do this to himself for a year, never knowing the fate that his older brother was damning himself to.
The house was suffocating, so impossibly big, the space around feeling so increasingly vast.
Tsuna breathes in shakily. He doesn't think any amount of oxygen will benefit him at this point.
His mouth felt like a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The thoughts start accelerating inside his head. He wants so desperately for them to slow so he can catch his breath but they won't. Breathing in gasps, chokes, and he feels as if he could black out. His heart hammering in his chest because this battle could not even begin to be won. Hammering in his chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spinning. He's anchoring himself to Lambo, trying to settle the shakiness. But he feels so sick, always sick, only ever sick.
Stuttered breathing, can't breathe, can't breathe. To suffocate in skin. No leftovers. No leftover. Nothing left over. Nothing that he left over. Nothing to love of what is left of him.
Ryohei is at his side immediately, trying to calm him down. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
When Tsuna looks up, he's finally breathing again. He looks up at his family in front of him, they are blurry as tears screw with his vision, but they are looking at him as if they truly care about him, and it's all he has ever wanted.
"It's going to take time for you to get better," Gokudera starts after a while of quiet as he continues, "But we're willing to be there for you every step of the way."
"You don't have to do this alone," Yamamoto smiles sadly, "You helped all of us when we needed you. Let us help you now."
In all of the guardians' minds, they all think about how this Tsuna isn't any different from the Tsuna yesterday, the Tsuna the day before yesterday. Except that this Tsuna's body is lined with fatigue, smiles brittle, and no games, no charades. Reborn just sits there, vowing to help Tsuna heal. He wills it with the same force, the same strength, the same resolve that willed him to become the world's strongest hitman.
"Is this real?" Tsuna mumbles quietly.
Ryohei emits a soft laugh before nodding, "It's real. I promise."
"...O-Okay."
"Will you accept our help?" Mukuro questions, softly.
Tsuna just nods shakily, exhaling heavily as he hugs Lambo closer. "I will."
The guardians all look at him with these relieved eyes that Tsuna really doesn't know what to do anymore as they all stand to hug him (of course, Hibari and Mukuro hold back, but Tsuna sees the way their eyes are soft - softer than he's ever seen them). He likes this feeling inside him, solid and real. When they all smile at him, eyes bright, everything hurts a little less, the voice in his head goes silent.