The storm outside continued to rage, the living room occasionally brightened by the frequent lightning flashes. The Grimes household was relatively silent with Carl already asleep and Rick trying to rock a tired Judith to sleep.
Michonne had volunteered to do so, but Rick had snatched his daughter up before Michonne had the chance. Rick had been making rounds throughout the community to talk to the Alexandrians about the war that had inevitably began between them and the Saviors. He barely got any quality time to spend with his family and the thought had been weighing him down. He missed his daughter, his son, and especially his lover.
"Is she always like this?" Rick asked, trying his hardest not to sound exasperated. Michonne made this look so much easier. He continued to bounce his daughter, trying his hardest to get his daughter to close her big, brown eyes. Her fingers were latched onto the thin material of his t-shirt and the look in her eyes screamed defiance. He sighed. She was so much like him in some many ways and she didn't even have a clue.
Michonne smiled, watching the exchange. "It's the storm. Usually, she just falls right asleep."
"Or maybe she just hates her daddy." Rick said softly, peering down at her round face. "Is that it, baby girl? Do you hate your daddy?" His eyes followed her as she lifted her hand and placed it against his cheek, laughing cheerily. Rick couldn't help but smile, his blue irises sparkling under the moonlight. "Alright, I guess not. But, Judy, us old people need to sleep."
Michonne scoffed. "Who are you calling old? I am full of youth."
"Don't I know it." Rick chuckled suggestively, his heart-shaped lips forming a smirk as he peered up at the woman he loved. Michonne's cheeks flamed and in that moment, she was thankful her complexion was able to hide her heavy blush. The things this man made her feel... she couldn't put it into words. There was just something about him. "Alright, let me rephrase that. I need to sleep."
Judith babbled a response and Rick widened with his eyes as if he were shocked, saying, "Is that so, baby girl? I agree completely."
Michonne's smile grew and her heart swelled in her chest. As she sat here and watched Rick and Judith interact, she felt her love for him multiply by a million. Just when she thought he couldn't get any more adorable than he already was, he proved her wrong. Ever since they had became one, Rick had shown a different side of himself. Michonne was used to the cold, distrustful and apprehensive Rick. Of course, that side of him had never went anywhere and with the world being the way it is, it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. But, Rick was different around Michonne. This Rick was affectionate, earnest and romantic. He didn't have to keep his guard up. He didn't have to pretend. He was comfortable, relaxed, and in love. Michonne brought that out of him. Only Michonne and he had no issue showing anyone that she was strictly off limits. She was his.
Suddenly, there was a loud crack of thunder and Rick could've sworn it shook the ground. The small lamp that hung off of the wall flickered before it blew out. He glanced up at the light and heaved a sigh. The power was out.
Judith began to wail, Rick's bouncing no longer being able to calm her nerves. "Hey, hey, hey…" He cooed. "It's okay."
Judith's cries grew louder, no doubt waking the entire neighbourhood. It seemed like his desperate attempt to get her to quiet down only made her more upset. Rick's eyes flickered over to Michonne, silently begging for her help.
Michonne smiled, standing from the opposite end of the couch and making her way over to the two of them. She reached forward, making a beckoning motion for him to hand her over. He quickly obliged, allowing Michonne to take Judith from him. She balanced her on her hip, bouncing gently. "It's okay, mama. I've got you. Let's go somewhere safe, okay?" Michonne rubbed her hand in circles against Judith's back and almost immediately, her cries quieted down. Rick looked on in awe. She was so good with Judith. Almost too good. Rick had always had an inkling that she could have possibly had a child in the past life, but he never brought it up. Chances are, he was wrong and she was just really good with kids. Being with Rick for a year didn't give her much of a choice. The kids were basically a part of the package.
Michonne nodded toward the stairs and mouthed, "Our room." Rick nodded in return and stood from the couch, following close on her trail as she made a beeline toward the stairs. There was another crack of thunder and Michonne continued to rub Judith's back, whispering, "Shh, it's okay sweetheart. You're okay."
As they neared their bedroom, Michonne glanced down the hall toward Carl's bedroom. Thankfully, it seemed as if Judith's wails didn't manage to wake the teenage boy. She smiled to herself as she stepped into the room, crossing the room to the bed.
Rick closed the door behind him before he also ambled over to the bed. Michonne carefully laid back, still cradling Judith in her arms as she did so. She carefully laid the little girl down, resting her head on one of Michonne's pillows. Rick laid on the opposite side of Judith, watching as she squirmed slightly at the unfamiliar territory. She had gotten so used to her own crib that being in an actual bed was foreign.
Rick began to gently caress Judith's forehead, moving a small curl from her eyes. Michonne reached over to grab her hand, giving it a small squeeze to assure her that she wasn't going anywhere. They laid in silence, watching as Judith's eyes finally grew heavy. Within seconds, she was out like a light.
"Atta girl." Rick whispered, smiling down at her.
Michonne did the same, caressing Judith's small hand with her thumb. "A child is the most precious gift one can receive."
Rick continued to gaze at his daughter, watching her in her peaceful state. He wished she could stay this way forever. Completely unaware of the horrors that waited for them outside of those walls. Completely unaware of how ass backwards the world had truly become. When he responded to Michonne's comment, his mind was elsewhere. "Yes, they are."
"My doctor told me that the chances of me getting pregnant were slim to none. I didn't have the healthiest eggs." Michonne told him, beginning to trace the shape of Judith's brown eyebrow. "My boyfriend, Mike and I, we didn't want to believe him. We kept trying and trying… but eventually I told him it was no use. I lost all hope of ever having a child. Mike and I were both devastated. We started considering other options, like adoption."
Michonne now held Rick's full attention. He listened closely to her words, his eyes narrowing slightly in confusion as to where she was going with this. She never shared much about her past, let alone Mike, who he assumed was the dead boyfriend. Rick chuckled internally. That was probably the first conversation they had had without one of them threatening to kill the other.
Michonne kept her eyes locked on Judith. Michonne smiled to herself. "I was never really a religious person. But… one day, I was blessed with a miracle." Her eyes began to well up with tears. Finally, she looked up to find Rick staring at her with wide eyes, his expression unreadable.
"My beautiful little peanut… his name was Andre." Michonne took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she did so. She had been holding this back from him for so long. Telling him was one of her deepest fears. The fear of what he would think, what he would say had been eating her alive. But keeping it from him was also eating her alive. He had to know. She needed him to know. She owed it to herself, to her son.
"Andre Anthony. God, he was the sweetest little boy you would ever meet. He was so full of energy and he always wore a big smile and his eyes…" She trailed off, exposing her beautiful, white teeth as a large smile spread across her face. She allowed her tears to spill over, slowly trailing down her cheeks. "He had the prettiest brown eyes, Rick. They would just melt your heart."
Rick felt his heart break for her. So, he had been right. She did have a child. Then, it hit him. She no longer had that child. Andre wasn't with her. Jesus, he thought to himself. He immediately reached across the bed to take her hand in his own. He squeezed gently, giving her a small, sad smile. He wanted to know more. He wanted to know everything about Andre; the most precious gift she had ever received.
"Surprisingly, he adapted pretty well to this world. I adapted pretty well to this world. Mike on the other hand… he wasn't cut out for this. He never was and he never would be and even though he would never admit it, he hated me for it." Michonne said, swallowing hard. "Trying to keep him alive was the hardest thing because he was slowly killing me. He used to hate when I would go on runs and leave him and Andre behind. Andre used to beg me not to go, but that was until he finally understood that was what needed to be done. If Mike wasn't going to do anything, then I was the one who had to step up and get us what we needed. I don't understand how a three year old could see that but a thirty-seven year old couldn't." She laughed bitterly, shaking her head. The very thought made her sick to her stomach. She and Mike used to get in so many disagreements about the things she did and she had no idea what she was supposed to do to make him see that this was how they lived. Her going out on runs was what kept them fed, kept them alive.
"We went to a refugee camp a few days after things got bad." She glanced down to see Judith stir slightly in her sleep, moving her tiny hand so that it rested upon Michonne's. Michonne smiled to herself before she looked back up at Rick. "Things had been going well for a few weeks. I was trying not to go on major runs just so I wouldn't have to hear Mike's constant complaining. I went on small ones here and there, only if an extra body was needed. Seemed to calm things down between the two of us for a while. I went on doing what he thought I was to do; stay behind and be a mother." She sighed. "Don't get me wrong, there was nothing more that I loved in the world than being with my son. But even with the world being as screwed as it is, I wanted to make sure he had a good life. The only way I knew to do that was to provide for him."
Rick watched as Michonne frowned to herself, as though she were fighting herself on something. He could see the uncertainty written all over her face and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel obligated to tell him what happened. He was just happy she had told him about Andre. He didn't need to know what came next and he didn't want Michonne to relive it. "Hey." He murmured, causing her gaze to snap up to meet his own. He offered her a small smile, though it didn't meet his eyes. "You don't have to tell me this."
"I know." She whispered, attempting to return his smile. "But I want to."
Rick finally nodded, knowing that no matter what he said, it wouldn't deter her from doing what she pleased.
Michonne blinked rapidly as the memories came flooding back to her. "Some people were going on a huge supply run. We were getting low on food, batteries, medicine… we knew that without those things we wouldn't be able to survive much longer. So, I volunteered to go a few days before we actually suited up to go out. Mike was furious. He disappeared for a while. I didn't see him around the camp. Andre used to ask for him, but I just told him that his daddy needed some space." Michonne sniffled, remembering the pain written all over her son's face; the anger written all over Mike's.
"When he finally decided to show himself again, he didn't look like… Mike. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but something was off. He told me that he understood. That he finally got it. He finally got why I had to do what I had to do. I was thankful and hopeful for our family. Maybe things would be better now, you know?"
Rick nodded, caressing her soft skin with the pad of his thumb. He used to have hope for his own family. Even though the world was hell in a handbasket, he still believed that somehow, he and Lori would work out the kinks of their relationship. It was a miracle-one that he sometimes still couldn't believe- that he had even found her and Carl.
"Mike begged me to let him watch Andre. He said that he wanted to prove himself to me. Prove that he could do something besides make me want to rip my hair out. He wanted me to see that he was responsible and that he could hold his own while I was gone. Despite my better judgement, I let him. I left my son in his care. The day of the run, I just had this… inkling to take Andre along with me, or to hand him off to someone I knew I could trust. But it was his father and I loved Mike. If he was serious, and believe me, he had me convinced, then I was going to let him do whatever he felt was right."
She paused, chewing on her lower lip.
"So, I went on the run. We weren't gone for more than a day. But when we came back…" She paused, averting her gaze, her brown eyes filling with tears once more. Her lower lip began to tremble, her body doing the same seconds later. "The fences were down. They were… everywhere." She whispered, still stunned at the sight that presented itself in front of her on that very day. "I had never seen so many in one place. I knew that I should've probably looked for other survivors first to see if anyone made it out alive but I couldn't. I had to make sure Mike was alive; my son…" Her voice trailed off and she began to whimper softly.
"I found Andre first." She closed her eyes, wincing as she relived the scene. The screams, the moans, the horror, the anger, the blood… God, there was so much blood. "He wasn't my baby anymore." Michonne began to sob quietly, trying to keep her voice down so that she didn't disturb a resting Judith.
Rick's own baby blues filled up with tears, Michonne's pain becoming his own. He squeezed her hand harder, but not enough to cause pain, but enough to let her know that he wasn't leaving her. Letting her know that no matter, he was in her corner.
"He just kept crawling toward me… I put him down. I couldn't take seeing him like that, seeing my baby be in pain. I don't wish that on my worst enemy. I carried him with me for nine months, carried him inside of me for nine months and it was all over within an instant." A few of her tears splashed on Judith's arm and the little girl stirred once more, but never opened her eyes. Michonne quickly and softly wiped them away to avoid disturbing her.
"When I found Mike, he was with his stupid friend, Terry. They were both high and both bitten, but they were still alive. They were still breathing. It was in that moment that I understood what Mike meant when he told me he understood why I was doing what I was doing. It was because he had a way out. A way to escape what the world had become…" She shook her head, clenching her teeth with anger. "They had somehow gotten their hands on some meth. I didn't know how and I didn't question it. I didn't care. I screamed… I screamed myself hoarse. I left him with my son, I relied on him to keep him safe. That was all I ever asked of him. I did everything for that man and he couldn't keep one simple promise. Mike was so out of it that he couldn't even move. I never got an apology. Never got an explanation. Didn't really need one, now that I think about it. I just knew that it should've been him. It shouldn't have been my little baby boy. It should've been Mike and that was the only thought in my mind. All I could see was red, Rick. It was horrible." Her voice was barely above a whisper, and it wavered slightly.
Rick had given up on trying to stop his tears. They began to spill from his eyes, rolling relentlessly down his cheeks with no intent on stopping. He had forgotten what this felt like-what it felt like to feel anything. He couldn't imagine the pain. He couldn't imagine the thoughts that ran through Michonne's mind when she found her son. If anything ever happened to Carl, or Judith, God only knew what destruction he would cause. He prayed for anyone that crossed his path if anything was to ever happen to his children.
"I knew both of their sorry asses were dying." She whispered, shaking her head. "I knew it and I could've stopped it. I should've stopped it. But I didn't." She stared off into space, her voice sounding further and further away as each second passed. When she glanced back at Rick, her eyes flashed with anger. "I let them turn. I watched every agonizing second, just allowing my resentment to grow. When they finally turned into walkers, I cut off their arms and their jaws. I made it so they couldn't bite or scratch." She nodded to herself.
"I dragged them along with me wherever I went so that I always had a constant reminder of my failure." Her voice shook with emotion and her face scrunched up into a grimace. "I found out they kept me safe. The walkers… they didn't see me anymore. I was just another monster like them."
Rick's eyes softened. Michonne was the furthest thing from being a monster. Hell, he was sure she wasn't capable of being such a thing.
When their gazes met, Michonne felt a small smile spread across her face. While she acknowledged the fact that she was in pain, she couldn't help but notice there was something so therapeutic about the entire exchange. There was something therapeutic about finally sharing this with him; allowing herself to mourn. It was as if all of the thoughts that had kept her awake at night were washing themselves away.
When she spoke again, she had willed herself to calm down just a bit. "I'm sorry I never told you."
"You weren't ready." Rick said softly. "I get it. I just wish you hadn't carried this with you for as long as you did."
"I told Carl a while back. It was when we went on that supply run together."
Rick frowned, confused. "Was this when you helped him go after the crib for Judith?"
Michonne laughed quietly. "No. It was after I found you guys."
Rick's eyes widened slightly in realization. And then, he smiled. He admired the relationship she shared with Carl. Even when she was a complete stranger, Carl was the one who had convinced Rick to take a chance on her. God, was he glad he did.
"Me not telling you had nothing to do with trust. Believe me, I trust you with my life, Rick, you know that." She glanced down at their hands and she smiled at the warmth he provided. "I didn't want you to suffer with the loss of a child, too."
Rick smiled gently. "You're so considerate of those around you, but never considerate when it comes to your own feelings."
She chuckled, shrugging a shoulder. "I never have been." Her voice was full of wonder, as if she was just now realizing it.
"I admire that about you. You're so… selfless." Rick said in awe. "Sometimes, I wonder how I got so lucky."
Michonne smiled genuinely at him. "You know, I ask myself that a lot when it comes to you." She squeezed his hand. "You're so different from him. Everything you do, you always think about your child and how your actions will impact them. Everything you do, you do with your child in mind. Mike… he just did what he wanted as long as it benefitted him. And Andre suffered for it."
Rick frowned with sadness. He sighed softly before he began to speak. "I know hearing the words probably make you sick to your stomach, but I really am sorry, Michonne. I'll bet my life he was an amazing little boy. Carl would've loved to meet him. He's always wanted a little brother." Rick paused, contemplating his next words. When he looked up to see Michonne focusing on Judith, he took this as an open opportunity. He inhaled heavily and he decided to voice his thoughts. "And I would've loved him like my own."
Michonne's head snapped up, her eyes wide with surprise and her mouth slightly agape. Rick stared at her, horror building up in his chest. Did he say the wrong thing? Oh, jeez. That was out of line. That was so out of line.
Moments later, Michonne's big, brown eyes filled to the brim with tears and her lower lip trembled just as it had earlier. But, this time, her tears were tears of joy. "I love you so much, Richard."
Rick smiled, feeling his heart pull at its strings. "I love you, too, 'Chonne."
They were quiet for a few moments, listening to the soft pattering of the raindrops that fell against the roof.
Michonne's sultry voice filled the room. "I guess another reason I held it in for so long was because I was afraid of forgetting him."
"Hey," Rick whispered, shaking his head at her. When he caught her gaze, the smallest hint of a smile captured his lips. "Letting go isn't forgetting. It's moving on. It's finding a way to live. Learning to start over."
Michonne tilted her head to the side and she smiled. "I never thought of it like that. But, I guess that's what I'm doing now. Starting over."
Rick nodded. "We do what we need to do."
Michonne squeezed his hand, tightening her grip on him, terrified that if she let him go he would slip from her grasp. "Then we get to live."
In that moment, Judith rolled onto her side and curled up to Michonne. Rick melted at the sight and Michonne's heart swelled in her chest.
Rick brought Michonne's hand up to his lips and he kissed each one of her knuckles, his scruff grazing her gently.
As the night grew darker and colder around them, the three of them continued to lay in the large bed, enjoying their moment of solitude. Michonne felt lighter, feeling as if a huge burden had been lifted. While she had released her demons, the memory of her son would forever live in her heart.
"Why don't you stop fighting it and just allow yourself to sleep?" Rick chuckled softly, peering over at Michonne.
She smiled, thankful that he had given her a reason to close her eyes. "That's a good idea. Goodnight, Rick."
"Goodnight, baby."
As she felt the sleep threaten to consume her every being, she allowed the soft words to fall from her lips. "Goodnight, Andre. I love you."