Lin's Journal
8-28-10
Saturday
Three thirty-ish
Rin went to a concert today. We texted for a while, but I think she lost signal again. It depresses me how she seems to like every guy Vocaloid around her... First it was Kaito, and he made her cry- I'm still mad at him for that one- and now it's Len. I'm jealous. I can't help that I am, but I'm so jealous. I feel like crying. Sometimes I feel like... I should be a boy. I know it wouldn't help to get surgery, because I'd only be a freak. But I should be a boy. I'd rather be Ren. I want a do-over at my screwed-up life. I was doing so well with this- It had been months since my last fit of depression... But now I've had four- it's four, right?- in two weeks. One week? It's been way too short. I'll just keep writing in my journal, deluding myself into thinking that somebody actually likes me and understands me. Both of them, at the same time. Honestly, I don't think anyone understands me, and I don't think anyone ever will. I'm the one who wishes she were crazy so she can justify herself. I think that might be a pretty unique characteristic. Maybe that's just it. But still... I want Rin to like me. Me. I haven't even told any other Vocaloids yet. When we have those joking conversations about who's straight and who isn't, I get quiet. Oh sure, I can hide my depression real easily. I'm a wonderful actress; I can play the part of myself without anyone suspecting. Sometimes I wish someone would. I wish someone would at least try to help me. If you leave it to me, I'll dig myself in deeper. I'm my own worst enemy. Please, somebody, anybody, read this. It's private. Read it. I can't tell anyone about how I feel, because... from a different perspective, it all just seems so superficial.
Oh, you were depressed because they went off somewhere and left you out? Ha ha ha.
Dell, who would normally be my next choice to run to... he really wouldn't understand. He's never ignored. He's the one who ignores other people. Ren doesn't have even a sliver of a hope of understanding, because when he's ignored, he gets pissed. I wish I could just be angry, but I can't. I can only wallow in self-pity and drown in depression. I hate being invisible. I hate that Rin will never like me. I hate that I want to cry. I hate that I can't cry. I hate that every time I see or hear those words- "I miss Lenny"- it makes my chest ache. I can't stand being depressive. I just want to kick myself and yell at me to stop being such a pussy. But if I even think about doing that, the depression sinks in further.
Sometimes I do feel like everything would be better if I wasn't around.
I just want to run and hide, run and hide. School is coming up, so I can't run and hide from my real-life friends any more. I can run and hide from Rin though. "Oh, I have homework"- that'll be the stupid line I'll use. I'll stay away from her all the time, maybe even just plain lock myself in my room. And I know it won't do a shred of good. The way my mind works is sabotage- if I'm all alone, I'll only have my own problems to deal with. I won't have to get any kind of bad news... like maybe if Len and Rin... started... I wince at the thought of it. Part of my mind wants to make me feel better, and that part shrinks a little every time this happens. Seriously, what am I doing? it says. Why am I doing all this? Is acting like this really going to make anything better? No, it won't. But I can't help it, the rest of me feebly thinks in response. I wish I could help it. This is how I am.
Is it? I hate myself for not being able to help myself. I'm too strong to be constantly made weak like this. I'm a man at heart, and that's the part of myself that I accept most. This weak girl inside me who gets depressed, the one who has feelings so volatile that they threaten to explode- make her go away. Make the real me go away. Leave behind only my strength. Leave behind the me that was never supposed to be. Leave behind the me that doesn't make mistakes, the me that everyone sees, the hollow shell that shields me from hurt.
I see it now, dammit. I see that my whole personality is fake. The girl in class is the real me, the quiet one who quietly does her work and writes and draws, but never speaks. The one who it almost seems can't speak. The me who fell in love once is fake. The real me is the one falling now. The one who can't control herself. The one who runs and hides. I want to need help. Do I need help? I need help. I want to need help, because I want help. What kind of help could anyone ever offer me?
Just someone help me. It's ironic- the closest friend I have is now Rin, and there's no way she could help me with this problem. I could pass it off as a protective instinct if I tried, but then I'd be lying about myself again and I think I've done enough of that. I need someone quickly... someone who I can spill out everything to. Someone who I can confide in that isn't a blank piece of paper. Someone living, breathing, caring.
Dammit, I get too happy when she gets upset that I won't answer her messages.
I wish I didn't know myself so well.
Angst, angst and more angst from the mind of yours truly. orz This time Haine Lin is representing "me". She's based off Rin, so the pairing kind of makes sense.
I actually wrote this to vent out some actual feelings that I have. I changed a few words and replaced the names. Enjoy more of my wonderful depression writing.