Title: 10 Songs (Meme)
Author: calmena
Beta: Andraiyel
Pairing: Lightman/Loker
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Words: Altogether 1586
The Rules:
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabble/ficlet related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it's over. No lingering afterwards!
4. Do ten of these, then post them.
1. Nickelback – Follow you home (4:19)
He can't help but think that Loker is like a puppy. He always comes back, even if he pushes him away again and again and again. What they have (what is it they have?) can probably be considered harmful on Loker's side and... something else on his own. But whatever it is, it's probably not good either, because Loker lets him have that power he shouldn't have over a person. Gillian has already warned him that they will destroy each other – which is odd, because he doesn't feel destroyed.
Maybe it is the power over Loker that will destroy him, or the thought that he'll destroy Loker because that seems possible, very possible indeed. And maybe it's the thought that after he has destroyed Loker, just that will destroy him. But he can't help but want to continue with what they're doing anyway.
2. Hollywood Undead – Paradise lost (3:13)
It's been long since that moment and Loker still feels the remorse he felt then, because he destroyed everything in that moment. But he hadn't been able to help it and decided – not consciously, not really, to watch everything crumble.
He had known it when he had picked up the girl, known it when he had laid her down on the bed, known it when he slept with her. He had felt the remorse, had felt the ache in his heart but he hadn't stopped anyway. And when he had gone and told Cal about what he had done he had hated himself and he had hated the decision he had made and he had hated the thoughts that had led him there, but he didn't wish he hadn't done it and still doesn't.
It felt good to have destroyed something that had made him feel so very good.
3. Depeche Mode – The things you said (4:02)
The things he had said still swam in his head, the hurtful words - the words that had felt so good then, but hurt now anyway; the snide remarks, even the unspoken words. They were there, whenever he saw him, which didn't happen so often anymore, which was weird, because they worked in the same building. But Lightman had always been able to do things that seemed impossible, so was it really a surprise that he seemed to be virtually invisible whenever Loker searched for him?
He didn't know if he should be glad that Lightman hadn't fired him, if Lightman thought that it was the merciful option he had chosen, because being fired certainly seemed to be the better alternative at the moment because this hurt more than everything else. Apart from the fact that Lightman didn't even want his name mentioned anymore maybe, which Torres had told him.
He couldn't help but think that he would've never started it, had he known that this would happen.
4. 3 Doors Down – Change (4:04)
He knows that Loker changed since the beginning of... whatever it is they have. Whatever Gillian had predicted has finally happened and he can't help but feel glad that he knows at least, what it is she had predicted.
He knows that Loker should talk about it, but he also knows that Loker can't because of what he promised him when it started. There had been promises of never telling anybody, because of possible lawsuits, promises of discretion, promises of doing this in secret. He has never told Loker that Gillian knows, that she has known since pretty much the beginning, because he had told her, because it had felt like too much of a weight on him.
He can't help but think that it's his fault, if Loker has finally broken, because he knows that Loker would never tell anybody because he had told him not to do it. And he can't bring himself to hate that.
5. Wonderwall – Just more (3:27)
He doesn't know what he had expected, but it hadn't been this. It had been more, somehow, not this. Not the secretly sneaking into each other's house/apartment, not the not telling anybody because it's against the rules, not the being a dirty secret for Lightman. Loker is disappointed, sure, but he knows he won't complain because he is willing to take everything he can possibly get.
He knows it's not enough for him, he knows he deserves better, but for him, Lightman is the best he can ever imagine. And if it destroys him – which it will, he is sure of that, because it's not enough for his heart, to be a mere dirty secret – he will take that too.
Because it means so much for him, to be able to be near Lightman and if it hurts him... what's the problem in that?
6. The All-American Rejects – P.S. I love you (3:02)
Loker is used to Lightman disappearing for days on end, so it's nothing new when he wakes up to find he is alone – again. He keeps thinking that it wouldn't make that big of a difference if he didn't have… this. Well, there is the great sex, he isn't one to lie to himself, but it's not as if he has a person here when he wakes up or anything, really.
Lightman can't even bring himself to tell him goodbye when he has to go somewhere to discover whether a person is lying or not, and that is somehow a bit… hurtful. Because he is his… lover? Can he really say that?
Anyway, he should manage to be said goodbye to, Loker thinks as he gets up.
And then his gaze falls onto the little note on his nightstand, and he can't hold back the smile that spreads on his face.
Be back tonight.
P.S. I love you
7. David Guetta – Love is gone (3:06)
The fact that Lightman has gone out – again – because he can't stay away from those damn cases of his, because he has to watch for damn clues on faces, in eyes, in gestures, whatever, is slowly getting annoying. And it's not the fond annoyance he had felt in the beginning, he is not ready to ignore those times anymore, because they happen more and more often and he can't help but think that it's because Cal feels it too.
The thought is saddening, but not as saddening as it would have once been, because he has had time getting used to it.
The fact that he goes out at night, whenever Cal is there and they could stay in and do whatever they used to do, is enough to know that it's going to end.
And Cal knows it too, if only because he can read it in his gestures and expressions and whatever.
8. Breaking Benjamin – Phase (4:31)
It's just a phase, he thinks, when he watches Lightman and can't help but admire his looks and his way of talking and everything.
It's just a phase, he thinks, when he stares at Lightman hugging Foster and feels envy and jealousy.
It's just a phase, he says, when Lightman asks him what's the matter, with that annoying grin that tells him that he knows exactly, what's going on.
It's just a phase, he thinks, when he kisses Lightman because the man has somehow gotten so close to him while asking if he was sure about that.
It's just a phase, he thinks, when they lie in bed and he chants everything Lightman wants him to because it simply can't stop, because it feels so good.
It's just a phase, he thinks, when he comes and seems to melt into the bed.
Only when he is almost asleep, and feels the warmth from the person next to him that is Lightman, he admits to himself that it might not just be a phase.
No, not at all.
9. Nirvana – Heart shaped box (4:39)
He can't help being nervous when he leaves the box. He doesn't show himself that day and hides, wishing for mercy and Lightman to not find him or want to talk to him.
He is still nervous when he goes home and peers around corners to be sure that Lightman is not there and he curses his decision to go through with giving the box to his boss.
He ignores the grinning Torres and even the softly smiling Foster. He doesn't want to think about how Lightman would look at him.
He comes in the next day, still nervous, still wishing he hadn't gone through with it. Even if it had been Valentine's Day.
It's when he finds another box, not the one he had given to his chef, because it's not heart shaped, on his desk. And he can't help but grin and think that maybe it was worth the nervousness when he finds a little note in the box that asks him what he thinks of having dinner with the other.
10. Three Days Grace – I hate everything about you (3:46)
They fight more than ever, but he can't let go. He knows it's not healthy, but who cares about healthy? He loved Lightman, still does love him and he doesn't want to leave him. So what if they fight and what if they smash glasses and what if he had been slapped once? So what if Emily didn't want to come around anymore because she said that they reminded her of the time before her parents split up (minus the slap… she had never seen that). So what if Lightman hated him for that?
They couldn't let each other go, they loved each other as hotly as they hated each other. So what if the fact that there's less and less glass to be smashed, leading to him being slapped more often?
He had chased after Lightman for months before he had gotten him.
He would not let anything get in their way, even if they destroy each other in the process.
My favourite word with those two seems to be "destroy"...
I'm in some kind of love/hate relationship with these ficlets and I had to write things about songs I hadn't even been aware of being on my computer. Strange...
Remember, reviews are love. :)