Chapter 1: Sasusaku
Sakura watched the blood slide down the side of the sink. She was cutting herself. (Again.) God, she hated her life. Giant, fat tears the size of elephants fell from her eyes. "Oh, I'm so miserable!" She cried in misery. "I have an abusive husband! No one is my friend! Everyone inexplicably hates me! And oh, I had an unrevealed terrible, violent childhood! Woe is me!"
Suddenly she heard the door slam downstairs. She gasped in fear but did not actually do anything to protect herself, such as hiding or maybe running away. "Bitch, I'm home!" called her abusively abusive husband, Sasuke McAbusive AbusivePants Uchiha. Sakura started crying again, and was about to drown in a lake of her own tears when the bathroom door bust open.
There stood Sasuke, eyes narrowed. He was carrying a whip. "You little whore," he spat out. Sakura backed against the counter, fearing for her life or perhaps her hair. "Please, Sasuke!" she said, trying to placate him for whatever seemingly whorish thing she had done. "I'm not finished with you!" he thundered. And oh yeah, he wasn't actually carrying a whip, it was a knife. And an ax. And a grenade launcher. And -
Suddenly, Sasuke became weighed down by the weight of his many harmful weapons. "Dammit!" he cursed as he was crushed under a giant pile of sharp, pointy objects and multiple explosives. But of course, since he was invincible and immortal and no one could stop him and his one goal in life was to abuse Sakura, he was miraculously not dead.
But Sakura had her chance! Quickly, she leaped over the Sasuke/weapon heap and crashed through the second story window. But then she remembered that it was not the second story, and their house was fifty stories tall. "Noooooooo!" she cried as she fell to her certain doom.
Luckily, a certain blonde boy just happened to be walking in front of Sasuke and Sakura's immensely ginormous house. He heard faint screaming. He stopped and looked around. Oh, also, it was raining really, really hard, so it was painful to be in, but Naruto was taking a walk anyway.
The screaming got louder and louder, and Naruto could not figure out where it was coming from. "I cannot figure out where that is coming from," he said, scratching his head in confusion. As a sudden inspiration, he looked up, and the rain did not hurt his eyes, 'cos they were magic. "Sakura!" he exclaimed as soon as he saw her falling figure. Sakura looked down at the ground and was still concious enough to make out Naruto's face. "Naruto!" she cried in utter joy as he caught her gracefully in his arms and the impact of her body falling 50 stories did not kill him. "Sakura!" he cried in joy. They were about to kiss when Naruto suddenly remembered something. "Hey! I'm married!" He exclaimed in astonishment. He immediately dropped Sakura onto the concrete. "Sorry, Sakura," he apologized. Oh yeah, now it wasn't raining, it was snowing, and all Sakura had on was a nightgown. As Naruto walked away, Sakura cried, and her tears froze on her face. And then she died from lack of heat and nobody missed her because nobody cared and her life sucked and Sasuke found someone else to abuse.