Hermione took out her long feathered quill and started to write:
This is the first time since the war ended that I have written here, even though it has been half a year. I am at present staying in the burrow and am planning to continue for some time, seeing as my family home is now nothing but a pile of ashes. Harry is staying here also but I have not seen much of him. He seldom comes out of Ron's room apart from when we make the visits. I think he blames him self for what happened. I am unlike Harry and have taken to surrounding myself with as many friends as I can. I choose not to dwell on the past as it hurts too much and I fear if I delve too deep into its murky depths I will not be able to return to the surface.
I wish I could talk to Ron. I had talked to him a lot before it happened but I never really told him how I felt, never what really mattered. I said so many cruel things and I may never be able to apologise. I never got to tell him that I love him. He never held me. He never kissed me. He never…
" Hermione?" Looking up, she finds Ginny standing in the doorway, her eyes narrowed at the diary. Hermione jerked back from the pages as if she had been scalded.
" What are you writing, you seem so far away." Ginny takes a step into the room and Hermione hastily shuts her diary. The pale blue book gives a chime as each of its golden locks slot magically into place. Ron gave it to her on her 18th birthday. She was now almost 19. Will Ron be there to celebrate it with me?
" Nothing important, what was it you were wanting?" Hermione replied hastily, in order to change the subject.
" We're ready to go for the visit." Hermione swallowed hard, trying to ignore the sick feeling inside her gut. She had completely forgotten.
" I can't go anymore Ginny. It's too hard." Hermione turned her back, not wanting her friend to see her expression. Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she turns back to face Ginny as the tears start to build in her eyes.
" Hermione, you need to, if not for you, for us and for him."
Hermione paused for a moment to try and regain control of her breathing before replying.
"He doesn't even notice us Ginny, there is no point."
She knew as soon as she said it that she shouldn't have. Shocked by her odd reaction, Ginny lifted her hand from Hermione's shoulder.
" Hermi-" Ginny tried to comfort her as she began to sob over the desk but she had started so she may as well finish.
" We can't keep kidding ourselves Ginny. He's not coming back. They are only keeping him like this for our benefit. He's technically dead."
Hermione took a sharp intake of air, shocked and yet relieved at finally speaking her fear. Trying to stop her head from spinning, she stood up and started to walk towards the door. She could sense Ginny's shock, and the tension in the room was building so fast, that she started to feel that if she didn't get out now, she would surely… A couple of steps away from the door Hermione collapsed and began to retch over the floorboards.
Ginny rushed down beside her shaking body and started to cradle her like she would a young child.
" Hermione, I swear, he is not dead. He wouldn't dare die on us. I know Ron has always been the sidekick so to speak, but he's my brother and he's just as good a fighter as Harry. He's a survivor Hermione. As long as he senses there are still people who need him he'll keep fighting."
Hermione wiped the vomit from her mouth and drew a long shaking breath.
"What if he doesn't sense us Ginny?" At this Ginny hauled her up and walked her over to the bed. Sitting Hermione down, she looked straight into her eyes.
" But what if he does Hermione?" With that, she rose from the bed, and Hermione watched as she started to leave the room. At the door she paused, her red hair almost down to her hips, before turning once more.
" I'll tell mum and dad to wait five minutes at the hospital. Get yourself cleaned up and meet me in the kitchen." Ginny worried her bottom lip as she studied her, then turned and walked from the room. Hermione sat still for a minute trying to stop the buzzing in her head, and left trying to take in what Ginny just said. Maybe there is still hope?
" Get a grip Hermione." she scolded herself. Then, thinking of what Ron would say she smiled.
" Get a bloody grip Hermione." she said, more quietly this time, and got up.
Ginny and Harry were waiting at the bottom of the stairs and as Hermione drew nearer, she noticed that they were holding hands. Stomach lurching uneasily, she reminded herself to be happy for them even if she and Ron may never be as lucky as them. Although Harry is quite secluded, he and Ginny had picked up where they left off before the war. What stage would she and Ron have been at right now? Still just friends, or something more?
" Better?" Ginny asked, squeezing her hand with her free one. Biting her tongue, Hermione nodded and forced a fake smile to stretch across her face.
The three young wizards walked out into the yard and, in turn, apparated to St Mungos hospital. Again, her head starts to spin and it feels like her whole body is being squeezed into half its normal size, as if it were being sucked up inside some giant vacuum cleaner. It takes all her control not to retch again as she, Ginny and Harry appear in the designated apparating area in the main foyer of the hospital.
For the last half-year Ron's family, Harry and herself have been visiting weekly and as much as she tries to reassure herself that it won't prove as bad as the last visit, it gets harder and harder to step into the room in which he lies. With each visit it becomes for Hermione more and more real and each visit she hopes that he will open his eyes and every single time he does exactly the same thing. Nothing. Taking a deep breath, Hermione jerked back to the present and hurried after the Weasleys to ward 16 on the 4th floor. Each step down the sterile, cold, lifeless corridors fills her with dread. All too soon, the crowd of them arrive outside the door and cram into the small 'cell'. Extra chairs are already set out for them and they all sit down. Bill and Charlie don't come regularly because of their work so today the gathering consisted of Mr and Mrs Weasley by the side of the bed nearest the door. Fred and George as always felt too awkward to sit next to Ron and sit in the corner behind their parents. Harry sits at the foot of the bed while Ginny sits opposite her father by Ron's torso. Sighing inwardly, Hermione lowered herself into the chair opposite Mrs Weasley next to Ron's pale freckled face. They all sit in silence for the next minute just staring at him and to her, it feels so wrong. His face has no expression on it and it scares her. Sometimes she gets the urge to scream at him to smile or pull a fucking face but she manages to hold it together and just stroke his hair instead. The covers are pulled tightly around his neck so today she leans forward and start to fold them down. She can still see the faint scars around his neck. Leaning back in her chair, the room lapses into silence once more. Usually this would continue for another five minutes and Hermione would sit looking at him before someone would cough or shift in their seat. Today she can't take it though, and the silence is soon broken by Mrs Weasley's sobs.
"I'm going for tea," she mutters and leaves the room without looking back. Angry tears stream down her face as she hurtles along the corridor to the vending machine at the end of it. Why me, why me, what in Merlin's name have I done to deserve this?!?
She presses the button for tea but the machine gives a funny gurgling sound and all its lights go out. Is the whole world against me? She kicks it hard, forgetting that she's wearing open toed shoes, and cringes as pain shoots through her foot. Letting out a scream of frustration, she places her forehead against the cool glass of the now broken machine.
"It's not fair," she whispered to herself.
" Hermione!" Ginny runs out from Ron's ward, tears running down her face.
" My brother needs a Healer!" she shouts, turning on the spot desperately. Hermione's heart stops. No, please, no…