I puffed out a cloud of smoke from the spliff I was holding in between my fingers and repeatedly sparked the lighter in my left hand. The song Burn Bright by My Chemical Romance blasted through my the speaker laid against my stomach and a bottle of vodka lay on the blanket to my right. I had laid out the blanket in the middle of the clearing in the woods so that I could look up into the trees and contemplate life; it is my quiet place, I'm the only one who knows about the clearing or at least ever comes here. It is away from everything in the middle of a vast forest. I had found the clearing when i was eight and had been going there ever since, never telling anyone where I was going or that the clearing ever existed, anyone that I ever tell would have to really special and no one has ever been special enough to me.

I dropped the lighter on the blanket and adjusted the pillow that I had propped behind my head. My hand reached down for the sealed bottle of vodka, across my body. The warmth of vodka and weed on a breezy April night could always cheer me up and calm me down: it cleansed me of anxiety and cleared me of the numbness of depression, something that no human being could ever do. I can't help but picture the day when a girl would come into my life and ignite those reactions, a girl that acts like a drug: the same rush of dopamine, the same hit of adrenaline, the same rebellious feeling, the kind of thing that rids the demons from my mind. I want to meet someone who can make me feel like a princess, not that I deserve that. I want someone to treat like a princess: buy roses, take out to fancy restaurants, sit at with with cuddling on the bed and to hold and kiss. I want someone better than all the drugs, alcohol and caffeine in the world, I want to be able to get through a day without those things. There's nothing more draining than depression; the empty numbness, losing all motivation. Sometimes I lose the motivation to do everything, I even have to battle with my brain to allow me to close my eyes at night, I just stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Once I stayed awake for five hours and got no sleep, I was awake when my alarm went off at seven in the morning. Anxiety makes me a nervous wreck, nothing is simple. For me days, weeks, months, years, are less like time and more like obstacles, hurdles in the way of happiness. But hey being a useless stoner, alcoholic seems to make it better. I don't just want someone to make it all better, I need someone to make it all better.

I inhale a deep puff smoke again and exhale, slowly before taking another sip from the bottle of vodka. You could say that I am wasting my time, sitting for hours and getting drunk and stoned but it makes me feel good and no one has ever suggested anything better for me to do with my lousy fucking time. I put the vodka back down on the blanket and reach with that hand past my signature leather pants and into my underwear. I stimulate my clitoris, moaning in ecstasy before entering my vagina with my fingers, making a beckoning motion. Whilst inhaling smoke from my spliff again I insert another finger into my vagina and move my hand back and forth before orgasm.