Basically 1,000 words of self-indulgent Kaneki/Tsukiyama wherein nothing actually happens besides pondering. Yay.
Everything and Nothing at All
oOo
When he looks at him, takes in the white hair, lanky locks, and jutting, muscle-laden ribs, he can't help but think, "I've never met someone like you."
It's funny though, to have a thought like that, because whenever someone asks him what it is exactly that makes Kaneki so special, he can't qualify an answer. He's beautiful, yes, but not in a way that would draw attention from most people. He's powerful, unique, and has the most alluring scent in the world, but that's not nearly description for him enough.
None of those reasons, none, are the reason that Tsukiyama looks at him and feels the axis of his world tilting. Moving, gravitating, to be centered around another, greater being.
Because when he looks at Kaneki, really looks, it's like staring into something brighter than the sun. Just like it, he is complex and infinite - but no, that not right, because unlike the sun, he can't look away from him. He's radiant, untouchable, everything –
And he doesn't quite know why.
Once upon a time, Tsukiyama Shuu was a self-centered man. Once upon a time, he would do anything for the brief, pleasurable taste of flesh against his tongue, and the blissful sensation of a satisfied stomach.
Once upon a time, Tsukiyama Shuu was a man (ghoul, monster, uneducated peasant) who hadn't yet met Kaneki Ken, and that is where all the difference lies.
It's strange to him, how in this new world revolving around this one, beautiful being (man? Human? Ghoul?) everything he thought he knew about himself changed.
He is no longer the Gourmet, S Class ghoul, frightening and classy. He is no longer the single-minded heir to the Tsukiyama fortune, bound to the whims of his appetite and destined to watch over and protect their unwavering monopoly till his death.
No…he's none of that anymore.
Now, he is Kaneki's sword, the dagger under his pillow. He is the one, the only, who no matter how far he walks or what perils he leads, will follow and stay with Kaneki until the very end.
He can admit it – he loves that boy, loves him with all that he has, and gives him everything in turn. He loves him for the feelings he ignites within him and the fire that he's awoken within his heart, one that he never even knew could burn.
He doesn't understand though, can't understand, how such a creature made him care (or perhaps taught) – but for some reason, some unfathomable, ridiculous (perfectly valid) reason, he doesn't regret it in the least (caring, that is).
Kanae is dead. The majority of his family is dead. His beautiful, resplendent, warm mother, who held him in her lap, hand-fed him his first taste of flesh, and prayed and hoped for him to find a love greater than anything else, just like her own – is gone.
His fortune – gone.
His father – out of contact.
His Kaneki – alive and well. His king. His soul. All he'd ever want in a meal.
All of them, everyone and everything that once mattered (but not the one thing that still does), is lost, their memories scattered - swirling in the wind and disintegrating like the ashes that they are.
The world is wrong. The world is painful - he's come to realize - when he cares. Yet even still, it is brighter, his surroundings more faceted, more vivid - when in his world is love.
He has never known such a feeling - such warmth and affection, such poignant longing and fierce protectiveness of one person – ever, until he met the one named Kaneki Ken. The one who oh so gently (callously) lifted the veil from his eyes, revealing color and grace beyond hunger and fulfillment or simple black and white.
He has no words to express the depth of how much the half-ghoul means to him; only one, measly, inadequate word to express what he feels for him.
Love.
And that, that one word cannot possibly describe the beating, aching heart in his chest, bursting and overflowing with every flavor and emotion he has for Kaneki. To hold him close, obey him, hurt him, tear him apart, and most of all-
Be with him.
His life has not been long yet (he is not wise, this he knows) but after everything he's been through, that he's done, every hardship he's seen and experienced - it's the only thing he wants anymore.
To simply be with him, everyday from now until the end of time, till death or something more.
They've been parted once, but never again.
Never again, he vows. He won't let them be separated.
So in answer to that one question - the one that everyone asks and yet no one can answer - he will say what he knows to be the truth.
Kaneki is the driving force behind his universe, the one who introduced him to a world that is larger (oh so much larger) than he'd ever deemed to imagine, much less hope. He is the one he met 21 years too late or 21 years just right, whichever way you choose to look at it.
He is not the sun, but the stars – all of them at once, the shining beacons that brighten a black sky.
Everywhere he touches his presence lingers - lighting darkened paths for the blind, unopened eyes of each person lucky enough to stumble upon him. He's seen, witnessed, his effect on so many others; Banjou, Hinami, Touka, Nishio, and those Doves…the list goes ever on.
Kaneki is everything and nothing at all: a distant white light, so warm to all who come across it, but untouchable and easily overlooked.
He is so much more than a mere divine fragrance, or the chosen ingredient for a single, perfect meal like he'd once believed. He is Tsukiyama's life, his love…the two things that aren't worth living without.
He'll obey him, Kaneki; do anything to make him happy. He'll bow done before him, kneel low, and give, give and spend unconditionally, if only it should make him smile. But there is one thing, just one, that he will not do, whatever the consequence.
He will never, ever leave.
He'll eat him first.
He'll eat himself first.
He's-
He's not that person anymore.
If Kaneki asks, wills him to go, then he'll-
He'll stand his ground. Meet his eyes, hold his gaze and bare his heart, and just say "no". Kaneki is compassionate. Kaneki will understand. Understand the love that he feels.
And if he doesn't–
If he doesn't care-
It's of little consequence.
He's never hoped to be loved back.
oOo
I've been stewing in Tsukikane feels for the past month and it got to the point where I thought I might just spontaneously combust at any moment, thus the word-vomit birth of this...thing. At any rate, I adore these two, and while I have plans to write a bigger, cooler fic about them in the future, I'll settle for this at the moment (though hint hint hint, it's slightly relevant). Thanks for reading :)
Oh, and before I forget, no french because I know less of it than a desert tarantula and I don't believe in Google Translate. Sorry.
(ps. anyone spot the Yuri! On Ice reference? ;))