Disclaimer: Characters and song not mine.
Spoilers: Hrm… I think this is somewhere in season 6… maybe between 6 and 7? I don't know.
A/N: "I see your love, I turn my back and beg for you to go" has always struck me as a Mulder/Scully line. Man I love finally getting something out of the way and out of my head.
The rain splattered heavily against the windows of the apartment, and it felt as if the whole building was shaking. Thunder boomed outside, but it wasn't as loud or as violent as the yelling going on inside. She stood by the desk, her fists clenched tightly at her sides, shaking with frustration and end of her rope-edness.
"Mulder, I can see right through you! You weren't going because you thought she had information, you were going because it's Diana! I have only asked you for one thing in the last 6 years. Just one thing, out of courtesy and you still can't do that! You know, I wouldn't mind so much if you left me out of it. I wouldn't care. But you go to her and you get information and you drag me along with you to track it down. And that's just not fair."
"Scully, I-"
"You just needed the information, you needed the truth, you didn't mean to hurt me. I know all that. You say all those things to make me feel better after you've screwed up again. Look, I don't care if you're friends with her or if you trust her or whatever. Just don't tell me you're not. Give me a little respect and tell me the truth."
He sighed and sat down on the couch, running his hands through his hair.
"Scully, it's none of your business."
"Are you in love with her?"
"What?"
"Just answer the question, Mulder. Are you in love with her?"
"No! You know that I'm not in love with her. In fact I remember making that pretty clear to you a week ago."
She crossed her arms over her chest, wishing he hadn't been honest with her about that particular thing, as he now had a bargaining chip for the rest of their lives. He'd come to her apartment late one night and professed his love for her in the only way she had ever wanted to hear it. It was perfect. It was beautiful. And instead of being honest herself, she had looked at him, bare emotion spilling out of his eyes, turned around and asked him to leave.
"Mulder, that is neither here nor there."
"Oh really? Because I think it's right there staring us in the face."
They were still, contemplating each other, wondering who was going to give first, who was going to change the course of this argument. If all was right in the world, it should have been her, but life is not fair, and Mulder was the first one to speak.
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Scully. I just keep losing, no matter what tactic I try, no matter what I do or say. And you're right there beside me, somehow. And at first it wasn't so bad. You were always there. But now I look over and I think you're only there out of habit. You don't want to be. And I can't change that, Scully. I can't be good enough for you. I can't make you love me. And that's okay, but I'm not really ready to deal with that right now."
"Mulder," she whispered, sitting down on the couch. "Don't you think that some of the things you said are things I can't deal with right now? Yes, I love you. I have for a long time. But to tell you that I'm in love with you is a big deal. To be honest, I don't even know what that means. I love you like I've never loved anyone, but Mulder, I think you need someone better than me. You need someone with more patience, someone who can spend their life following you on adventures, supporting you. You don't need someone who yells and tears you down and second guesses you all the time."
"Scully, stop."
"I want what's best for you, and it's not me. I wish it was. Believe me."
"Then let it be you. Scully, did you ever think that just maybe all those things you just said are things I actually do need? Maybe I am the way I am because I've had women in the past who lead me around by the nose, who let me go crazy, who never cared enough to make sure I'm doing the right things. Maybe I've needed your stubbornness and your rigid ways and your care all along."
She buried her face in her hands and after a moment he heard a sniffle. He wanted desperately to touch her, to have her fall into his arms and forget this whole thing, but he wasn't sure that was the best idea.
"Mulder, we're not really fighting about this."
"You took it there."
"I know I did and I'm sorry. It's just… sometimes I understand you, and then the next day you're a complete mystery. I don't know how to support you when I don't agree with you. I don't know how to make you see what I'm trying to say. I don't know how to help you anymore. And you know, it really scares me. I feel like we've run our course, like we've used each other up. I don't think we should be forcing this anymore."
"Scully, what you do every day, even when I act like I don't, it's exactly what I need. You've been my partner this long for a reason, and it's not just because you have the loyalty and patience of a saint."
She smiled at that, lifting her head up to look at him. They let their eyes do the talking for a little while before she scooted closer and let herself be wrapped in his arms.
"We don't make sense," she muttered after a while.
"We make sense to us."
"Sometimes."
He rubbed her back and took a deep breath, forging ahead instead of burying this thing again.
"Scully, if you really want me to cut Diana off, I will. We can find answers somewhere else, somewhere that we're both more comfortable with. She's lied to me in the past, so there's really no reason to think she won't again."
"I don't want you to do that just to make me happy. I want you to do it only if you want to."
"Don't go back on it now, Scully. You're my partner. She's not. That means you come first."
"Do I?" she asked, glancing up at him with a lifted eyebrow.
"Well, you're supposed to."
She sighed.
"Mulder, I don't know that to do. I'm so tired of this."
"I know."
"I want to fix it, but I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Think we should let it rest? Round two in the morning?"
She nodded and sat up, quickly swiping a tear from her eye so he wouldn't notice it.
"Want to do breakfast? French toast, scrambled eggs, a restaurant full of witnesses in case you want to kill me."
"I won't want to kill you. Witnesses might be a good idea though."
She stood up from the couch and stretched a little before slipping into her coat.
"I'll meet you at the diner at 8."
"That's early."
"Yeah, well I'm not a slug-a-bed and I wake up hungry," she said with a shrug. He chuckled as she slipped into her shoes and pulled her hair out of the collar of her jacket. He stood up and walked her to the door.
"No matter what, Scully, I love you."
"I love you too, Mulder. I'll see you in the morning."
He closed the door behind her and leaned against it, loving how well she knew him, but hating it at the same time. At least he knew she felt the same way.
Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then