THE ALMIGHTY LORE OF STONE AGE AU!

Once Upon a pre-historic time there were Saiyans.
And they lived in a place.
And they did a thing.
And there was a Dragon.
And Raditz played Chinese Checkers with said dragon.
And then Goku left.
The End.

Okay but seriously here's what happened…

A trillion ago, or whatever I suck at human history, the Earth was boring as heck because there were only plants and dumb lil jellyfishes or something. One day, an alien spaceship crash landed and out came two humanoid green slugs called Namekians. They were brothers, the older one was named Kami and the other was Piccolo.

So, the two aliens lived on Earth for awhile and they thought "Wow, what a boring dirt ball this planet is!" and decided to use their magical powers to create more life forms. (More like they just spat out a dozen of eggs, but let's not focus on that one detail…) While Kami liked creating docile, adorable creatures, Piccolo made gigantic lizards, and all these scary animals with teeth and claws all over. Kami wasn't so happy about Piccolo's little T-rex eating his baby rabbit at all. As a result, he created seven dragon balls that can call upon a magical dragon that grants anything he want, in case he needed to undone anything stupid Piccolo did.

Eventually, Kami created a bunch of cute little fluffy creatures called the apes. He loved them so much he often came down from the Lookout (Did i mention the brothers built a floating vacation palace in the sky? Now you know) to teach them things.

After a million years or so, the brothers didn't age much because they are aliens, and aliens have different life span (also because I, lord Vivi, say they didn't. No question!). The apes had evolved into a less hairy creature, now standing on two legs and started learning how to ACTUALLY use the tools Kami made for them, instead of throwing them back at him. Kami named this new species "Humans". After some more years, the humans had developed a kind of language with the help of Kami.

Meanwhile, bored of sicking dinosaurs after Kami's bunnies, Piccolo was now jealous of how the humans were worshipping his brother. Kami was so busy taking care of his creation he forgot about his own brother! How dare he!? So, in a way to friendly remind his brother of his existence, Piccolo kidnapped a few humans and turned them into a new race he named "saiyans".

Ok well he kidnapped like a hundred of them but that's just a few compared to the amount of humans out there.

Anywho, so these saiyans were (to quote Piccolo) "an improvement" of Kami's design. They were stronger, faster, more vicious (with two large canine fangs) and have monkey tails. Thanks to these tails, the saiyans had the ability to turn into gigantic apes when they look at the full moon. When in were-ape form, they had no control of their actions and started blowing sh*t up, killing humans and destroying their villages.

Kami, once again, wasn't happy about it one bit. He told the humans to lure these saiyans into an area when they were still in their normal form, and used the dragon balls to summon the dragon. He told them to tell the dragon to seal the saiyans and never let them come out ever again, while he kept Piccolo busy.

A Live transcription revealed by Mr. Popo, servant on the lookout, eye witness to the crime:

Kami: Ey Piccolo! I accidentally mixed salt and sugar, can you separate them for me? Also this mix of green and red beans? And this bucket of milk and water?

Piccolo: ... Why do I feel like you're just trying to distract me-

Saiyans: OOZAR-SAMA HELP US ! *Screaming from the distance*

Piccolo: NO MY CHILDREN!

Saiyans: *SEALED*

Piccolo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And so Piccolo was furious. He and Kami fought each other. They fought for a long long time! Maybe years! Hundred of years! Actually no, maybe just a few days top… (Or at least until the plot decided it had had enough of them and picked a winner.)

Kami defeated Piccolo, dramatically killing his own brother, *sob sob* Sorry, I can't narrate this part. *sob* Gimme a minute… Okay… I'm back…

Before dying, Piccolo used his last bit of energy to spit out a clone of himself as an egg. The egg fell into the land of the saiyans. Kami was a lazy bastard and never cared to retrieve it. He went to help his lil baby humans instead. As for Shenron (Yah, the dragon has a name!), his duty was to guard anything from coming out, so things going in wasn't part of his problem. And so the egg magically survived the fall.

The egg laid undiscovered for a hundred year, until a saiyan woman came across it and decided to take it home for dinner! Her name was Gine, mate of Bardock - the Sessi tribe's chief. She took it home and cracked it open so her cubs could feast on it. But instead of the golden delicious yolk, inside the egg was a green baby! The whole family was shocked (and Bardock swore to never eat eggs ever again…).

So yeah… Gine adopted the strangely colored baby…

Meanwhile, over on the Vegeta tribe across the river, they were raising an adopted baby of their own! 8 years ago, Nappa, one of the hunters, shot down a Pterodactyl (more like threw a dozen rocks at it then beat it with a big *ss club). When he came to collect it, he was surprised to find a female cub, with blue hair and no tail! Being a father-to-all kind of guy, he took the toddler home and raised her along with his own.

The girl turned out to be a weirdo, to everyone's annoyance, who kept giving stupid ideas like "tying a rock on a stick and throw it to hunt". Everyone knows you don't need to tie a rock to a stick to throw it. RIGHT?

And it had been four years since then, the blue haired girl had successfully re-invented and re-taught the saiyans broken English thanks to her subconscious memory of her human parents (OMG she's a human child? Who could've seen that coming?)

For some reason the saiyans forgot they had used the language before when calling for help from Piccolo/Oozar, but hey who cares about details!

The story of the Stone Age Saiyans begin….

Author: To read more and see comics of this story, find me on Tumblr under the name Raditzthehairball