Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Luna: I'm finally back, and all my time and energy is going to be put into this super long parody of TOS. If you have no sense of humor and get all upset about 'character bashing' turn back NOW. Noone is safe in this fic…noone. And my style of writing in parodies is less on detail and more on dialouge and wit; because if your reading this I'm assuming you've played the game. Of course there's spoilers since I plan on doing the WHOLE game. Now read and review, kitties!
Chapter 1: It all began with a shiny light…

" Lloyd Irving, wake up!" barked a voice, " Lloyd!"
An eraser was thrown square in said person's face.

" GAHHH! THE CHALK! IT BLINDS MEEE! I'll sue you! SUE!" hollered Lloyd, in a panic.

Raine ignored this and muttered, "…Teaching just isn't worth in anymore…"
"Huh?…Oh? Is class over, Professor?" asked Lloyd, lightening up.

"…No. Genis, you answer the question." commanded Raine, shaking her head.

" Just because I'm your brother, doesn't mean you always have to pick me for everything." whined Genis.

" You'll answer the question and you'll LIKE it," said Raine, eyes flashing.

Genis stood up, like a deer in head lights and recited in a monotone, flat voice, " Mithos THE Hero brought about the Ancient Khlaran War at the Holy Ground of Khalran and stuff."

Lloyd raised his hand, dropping the 2 buckets he was carrying in some form of corporal punishment; as Raine blanched upon seeing his hand.

" Yes, Lloyd?" she asked, fearing the question.

" Why is Mithos THE Hero? Wouldn't he be 'a' hero?" questioned Lloyd, " That's incorrect English. Like if I were to say you were THE bitch instead of 'a' bitch. Or if I said Spot is THE dog instead of 'a' dog-"

" Alright! We get it!" snapped Raine, annoyed that the class dumbass had one uped her, " That's just his title…God…I mean, Goddess."

" Oh yeah, and Raine; why is the sky blue? Why's life unfair? Why are the Desians still around to make people suffer? How come Genis's hair is long and spikey enough to impale someone? What's the meaning to existence-" began Lloyd, like every other day.

Raine officially hated being a teacher. She shot another eraser at his head, and Lloyd screamed.

" We covered all that yesterday," said Raine, her urge to kill growing like America's statistics of fat people.

" Even the meaning of life?"
Raine chose to ignore him, it was easier that way.

" Anyway, today is the day of Prophecy. Chosen one, Colette; fill us in." said Raine.

"…Day of…Pro…Prope-phy?" asked Colette, dumbly.

Raine sighed.

" When the shiny thing appears, you go to it and jounry to become an angel and eventually die." she said, dryly.

Everyone stared at her in complete horror. Luckily, a shiny light filled the room; distracting everyone and covering Raine's ass.

" Wow! Shiny!" cried Colette, as her conversation with Raine went out the window.

" Ah, time for the oracle. Excuse me, I have to carbon date the shiny thing and whatever else I can find back to the Ancient Khlarn War," said Raine, grinning, "You all sit here and study!"

Raine ran off, uncommonly giddy to finding the shiny 'artifact'.

Bored, Lloyd decided to annoy his 'elf' friend w/ the abnormal hair; Genis. Elf, ha, that's funny. And no I did not just give away some of the plot…

" Hey, Genis, do you know what that shiny oracle thing was?" asked Lloyd.

" Raine says it was a Cruxis Crystal…Meh she's not gonna be back for awhile…" replied Genis.

Already ditching Genis like a mole infected with a rare skin disease, Lloyd grew bored again. He walked over to Colette, whose head was half way out the window.

" It was…so…shiny." she drawled, drooling.

Lloyd, although dumb and with an attention span and patience of a gram cracker; knew when to back away. Deciding to blow the Popsicle stand known as school, Lloyd commenced to walk to the exit.

" What are you doing!" shierked Genis, racing over in a frenzy, " If you leave, I'll be left with THAT-"

He pointed to a drooling Colette with a lopsided grin on her face. She waved like a retarded chipmunk to Lloyd and her dumb grin grew wider.

" Yeah, but I'm bored. And I wanna move the plot along." whined Lloyd.

" In that case…Okay!" said Genis, nodding.

" Colette, wanna come with us and ditch class/advance the plot?" asked Lloyd.

" Huh? Shiny?"
" Sure, we'll see that too."

" Okay!"

But before the 3 some left, Lloyd stopped dead in his tracks to see a human imprint in the wall.

" How'd this Colette shaped hole get here?" asked Lloyd, oblivious.

" Well…I was mopping…and then this wall jumped out at me…" began Colette.

" So you were mopping and fell head first into a wall. Well, that makes sense." said Genis, rolling his eyes.

Suddenly, a text box appeared and in it were the words ' COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE OF ' DUMB BLONDE'.

Puzzled, Lloyd ran outside flanked by Dwindle Dee and Dwindle Dum.

" Its quiet," announced Lloyd, " Too quiet..."

" Can you get anymore cliched?" asked Genis, sighing.

" Colette!" cried a blonde man.

" Frank?"

" Daddy!" shouted Colette.

" I'm so glad your safe, so now you can go to the Temple where the Desians are and certain peril as I, your Father; stays home to watch his soaps," said Frank, smiling.

" Wait, we'll go too!" said Lloyd.

" Nah, Colette and her onion ring like weapons can take a punch or two," he said.

Colette looked nervous just then.

" But…Genis and I need an excuse to get out of school! So we're exploiting Colette as our friend the Chosen," explained Lloyd.

" Well…in that case…" said Frank, " All right. All My Children is coming on now, anyway."

With that, Colette's less then manly father took off; giving a whole knew meaning to the word 'house wife'. Or 'House Husband'.

That's when a floating skull attacked.

" Eww…" said Genis.

" It's a monster!" cried Colette.

" Let's kick its ass!" said Lloyd.

" It's a monster!"

" Are you on a loop…?"

Suddenly, the screen shattered and it attacked. A zombie. Or rather it stood there stupidly as Lloyd bashed it with his wooden swords and Colette w/ her charkms. Genis even helped by using fireballs. Okay, not really help so much as targeting the wrong thing and giving Lloyd 3rd degree burns.

" YAGHHHHH!" he screamed.

" Oops…" said Genis.

GENIS OBTAINED THE TITLE OF " CAN'T HIT THE BROADSIDE OF A BARN."
Colette stared at him on fire, " Shiny fire…"

Lloyd threw himself on some bushes as Genis screamed " Stop, drop and roll!"

And roll Lloyd did. Right into another floating skull.

They fought a ghost and a zombie, both which just sorta stood there as Lloyd continuously shouted " Demon Fang!"
" hehe…Ray Thrust!" shouted Colette.

The zombie and ghost died easily as Lloyd said " That was easy!"

" Lloyd, your amazing! Killing monsters with wooden swords instead of steel because your poor!" commented Colette, cheerily.

" Thanks…? But without this nifty stone in my hand, I'd be useless." said Lloyd.

" Yup!" Colette agreed.

" Your not helping…"

" At least he has good sword skills," piped in Genis.

" Hey! What is today national abuse Lloyd day and noone told me!" asked Lloyd, hurt.

They hurried to the Martel Temple, as a shiny light emitted from the Temple's roof.

" Wow, looks like Colette really is the Chosen," mused Genis, " The world is screwed."

" Hey, that's not very nice!" said Lloyd, defending the dumb blond, " Colette is gonna save the world, isn't that right; Colette?"
" That light is really shiny…" said Colette, in her own little world.

"…Guess the world really is screwed…" said Lloyd, sighing.

That's when a Pastor fell down the million steps leading to the Temple.

" Chosen one…there's a commontion up there…The Desians attacked…" he said, coughing up blood.

" …Eww…" said Genis.

" I know…I have to receive the oracle…" said Colette, oddly serious.

" I'm sorry…that I was just a pointless…back ground character…for 5 seconds…" he said, speaking his last.

" Pastor?"
" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

" He's gone," said Lloyd, blinking.

And he literally was. The Pastor's body vanished into thin air, probably going to the same place that all those missing socks go to…

" Wow…plot hole." said Genis.

" You guys wait here as I go in over my head into certain doom." said Colette, a dumb smile still on her equally dumb face.

" Alright…" said Lloyd.

" Lloyd, what the hell? She can't even tie her own shoes right and you expect her ro receive the oracle and live?" barked Genis.

True, Colette did wear laceless boots. And she was a dumb blonde.

They scaled up the stairs to find the gangle of Desians on top.

" Where's the Chosen, old hag?" demanded. Botta.

Phiardra, Colette's 'old hag granny'; pulled out a submachine gun.

" Who the fk you calling hag!"
" Granny?" asked Colette, wide-eyed.

" Run Colette! I'll take care of the spikey haired ho!" she shouted.

" What the…" asked Genis, " The plot holes…BURN!"

The Desians attacked and Lloyd and co. killed them with a smile on their faces and a song in their hearts.

Until obese S&M man came at them.

Unable to hit something with so much bondage in fear of contracting an STD; Lloyd was cowering in the corner.

" Man, this guy's fat!" cried Lloyd.

" And kinky!" added Colette.

"…Eww…" was all Genis said.

" Ahaha! Fear my bondage!" screamed S&M man.

He swung his mace at them when a metro sexual swordsman deflected it with his sword.

" Who are you?" asked Lloyd.

" Get out of the way," said ?

They fought the fat man again, thanks to ? And his amazing skills that ripped off of Lloyd.

" Ack, its you! First a homicidal granny and now…dammnit, retreat!" cried Botta.

Retreat they did, as Granny said, " Thank you for saving the Chosen!"

" So this dumbass is the next sacri- I mean, this girl is the next Chosen?" he asked.

" Yes! The oracle! I have to receive it!" said Colette, suddenly frantic.

" Then I'll save Colette since she's dumb and blonde!" offered Lloyd.

" Lloyd? Just you and her? I'm afraid she'll take advantage of you…" said Granny, trailing off.

" Huh?" asked Genis, eyes widening.

" Your name is Lloyd?" asked ?
" Yeah, but who are you to ask for my name? Its not like you're a magical swordsman who's 10 times better than me or anything." said Lloyd.

" I'm Kratos, I kill for money. I'll kill every single one of you, if money was involved," said Kratos, twitching a little, " As long as you give me money…"

Genis was still on Granny's last statement of Colette 'taking advantage of Lloyd.'

" I'm going too!" said Lloyd.

" You'll just get in the way," said Kratos, condensing, " So go home and be a good little boy."

" What did you say! I'm pretty big, thank you very much!"
Colette giggled at that, and Genis was scarred for life.

" Did I not make myself clear? You're a burden, go home!"
" Mr. Kratos?" asked Colette, " I want Lloyd to come along…I get bored and don't have any eye candy to stare at when he's not around. Besides, his ass curves in the most nicest way when he does 'Sonic Thrust'-"

Everyone stared at her in horror and disgust.

"…Okay then…" said Kratos, "…Let's go."

Kratos hurried on into the Martel Temple, followed by a disturbed Genis and then by Lloyd and Colette.

" Thanks for back there, Colette," said Lloyd, grinning; ignoring her earlier comments; for he was dumb.

" It's the truth!" she said, grinning as usual.

They made it into the lobby like area of the Chruch, where Kratos said, " Lloyd are your sword skills self taught?"
"…Its that obvious?"

" Quite," said Kratos, and handed him a book entitled "Swordsman skills for Dummies."

" You think you know everything, don't you!" asked Lloyd, annoyed; as Kratos walked off, cooly.

KRATOS OBTAINED THE TITLE OF 'CONDENSING ASSHOLE'!

Luna: That's it for Chapter 1. I'll be updating once a week, twice tops; it's a long game and even longer chapters. The more reviews the more quicker it will be. Review! Chapter 2: Fire Hazard Ring!