All I Ever Wanted

By: KellyCRocker59

I never stay up so late, but I just finished watching Brokeback Mountain for the first time and couldn't get these two off of my mind (as well as Jake Gyllenhal, but that's another story). I enjoyed what I did with the two little ficlets, so I did this, basing small snippets off of each song on Kelly Clarkson's 'All I Ever Wanted' album. I hope you enjoy! Oh, and I don't own the rights to these songs, only two copies of the cd (yes I'm obsessed with her).

I need reviews to live, so please help save my life! :D

My Life Would Suck Without You

Holden felt a song coming on. They were just sitting in a bar, drinking casually as usual, and yet he was feeling a bit more wild then he normally did. So he walked over to the karaoke stage, grabbing the microphone. The place was nearly vacant except for a few overly drunk people. So he had the guy in charge of the karaoke machine put on a song he knew Sean would appreciate.

He spent the next three and a half minutes screaming the words to 'My Life Would Suck Without You' as he moved to the music, eyes on his boyfriend, whose face was split with such a huge grin that it threatened to crack.

I Do Not Hook Up

Holden wasn't one for sex. Yeah, it was mind-blowing, especially when Sean did that thing and good lord if he thought about it anymore he would get a bit too turned on. But for some reason when he told a man at the gym that he didn't just hook up, the guy looked at him like he was crazy. Apparently men were supposed to be like rabbits; they were unable to control their sex drive so just let them be.

The guy was so hell bent on this theory, in fact, that he attempted to corner Holden in the bathroom and get him to embrace his opinions. Well, the guy ended up having to tell the paramedic at the gym that he had slipped and fallen against the bathroom stall door and then when he tried to reach the sink, he slipped again on a water puddle and so that was why his eye and lip were swollen. It had nothing to do with a large football player coming in to pee at just the right time and getting a bit too protective.

Cry

Holden watched the screen as the man that he was all too familiar ran across the football field, ball in hand. Even now, as he sat alone in his motel room with a bottle of vodka in an attempt to drown out the pain, he couldn't help but hope Sean got the touchdown. Is this what happened to people when they broke up? They hated and yet still loved the other person? Because this was just too confusing, and he wasn't sure that he could handle crying himself to sleep, clutching a pillow with an empty bottle of alcohol beside him every night. Maybe tonight, but he was stronger then this. He could get over Sean Jackson. He would just have to cry, cry until the pain went away. Cry until he could manage to see himself without the other man in his life.

Don't Let Me Stop You

"I can't just come out, Holden! Dammit, it will ruin my career!"

"Well then don't let me stop you and your success, Sean! Just let me leave, there are plenty of guys out there for you to screw from the safety of the closet. I'm just not one of them."

Then he was pinned to the wall, Sean's hands gripping his shoulders more firmly then he ever had before, looking into his eyes with vulnerability he had never seen.

"I don't want this Holden. I can't let you just walk out of my life."

"Then don't. Do what you have to do," Holden replied, shoving his way past him, "but until then, I won't stop your career."

All I Ever Wanted

Sean never realized how many damn pictures of Holden he had. One of them together at the lake attached to his bathroom mirror. A photo strip of them looking ridiculous together held by a magnet on the refrigerator. One of just Holden, smiling that beautiful smile while sitting up in bed shirtless, in his Hummer. And one of them, laying completely adorable on the couch, on his bedside table.

He threw that one across the room one night when he had rolled over to hold his lover and got nothing but mattress and pillow. He regretted it the next morning, picking it up and placing it right back where it was, broken frame and all.

Already Gone

Holden packed his bags, stuffing everything he had in them while he heard the front door open. He had been trying to finish this before Sean got back from practice. He felt the tears, hot and wet, slipping down his cheeks.

"Holden?"

Then Sean was there, standing behind him. And then, he was walking closer, hand resting carefully on Holden's shoulder.

"I have to go, Sean. We can't do this to each other anymore. We can't…we can't live this lie. I can't live this lie with you."

"What…what are you talking about?" Sean asked, and Holden could hear his voice breaking, "I love you."

"I love you too, Sean. I…I love you enough to let you go."

Then he turned, and Sean was right there, eyes watering, biting his lip hard.

"Holden, don't…" It came out a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Sean...it's just too hard for me to stay here with you. Everything we wanted, everything I wanted, just isn't going to happen."

And then he walked out of the bedroom, feeling Sean's hand slip from his shoulder, too numb to do anything but walk straight for the front door.

If I Can't Have You

Holden grinded hard against Sean, feeling what he wanted through the minimum layers of clothing. He loved it when they went to gay bars, because no one thought anything of their behavior. Plus Holden got a bit slutty when the right song came on, and this song, right now, was definitely the right song. Sean held his hips, guiding him, and Holden felt at home.

They slipped back to the booths after a while, and their hands were all over one another, neither able to wait until they got home. Sean was on top of him, holding him down and yet keeping him safe. Holden's hands were under Sean's shirt, feeling the muscle that he still wasn't tired of. This was fun, wild. Hot. They didn't do this often, and when they did, they were like wild animals, tearing at one another.

After Sean, Holden wasn't sure he could ever want anyone else.

Save You

Sean walked into the plain white room, the sound of the heart monitor beating softly, betraying the tension in the air. He took a seat beside Holden, just being there. Holden grabbed his hand, and Sean held it firmly, feeling that if he let go Holden might slip away. The room had just three other inhabitants besides the person in the bed, an older woman whose eyes had been closed for weeks and whose breathing had remained steady throughout. But she wasn't alive, not really.

"Holden…are you ready?" His sister asked, dried tears staining her cheeks.

Holden nodded, and then the doctor pulled the plug. The heart monitor flat lined, and Holden's shoulders shook, his sister sobbing against her husband's chest. Sean was there, pulling his partner against him as he sobbed, broken. Sean could feel his own heart breaking.

He didn't dare say that it was gonna be alright. It wasn't.

Whyyawannabringmedown

Sean had been getting some crap from a local newscaster about his sexuality since he had come out. The guy said it was all a stunt, all just for publicity. So, when Sean's team won the Super Bowl under his direction, he pulled Holden, who was standing with the football players' wives in the front rows, down onto the field with him.

And when that particular newscaster came up to ask him what he would do now, the video camera zooming in on his face, which he was sure was on national television right now, he pulled his husband in and kissed him right on the lips, and for quite some time. Apparently it aired without issue, and the newscaster didn't say another word on the subject.

Long Shot

Sean sighed, realizing that today was his first day in which everyone in the country who cared knew he was gay. He could hear the paparazzi outside, their cameras attempting to catch a picture. Holden, who was lying in bed, looked scared to death.

"I'm afraid they are going to see me and be like 'oh, he doesn't like women because of this guy?'"

Sean rolled his eyes, knowing that they had to go outside at some point. And finally the day came, and they stood at the front door, both nervous.

"This is a bit crazy." Holden said, gripping Sean's hand tightly.

"I know, it's a long shot." Sean said, and then flashed Holden a smile and pushed the door open, the flashing lights snapping pictures of them rapidly.

Impossible

Holden was nervous, he wasn't going to lie. He had been shocked enough when the adoption papers had actually went through. He had been even more shocked when they found out they were officially the parents of a little two year-old from across the country. Even as they boarded Sean's private jet, Sean had to grip Holden's hand tightly to keep him from becoming too anxious.

And then they were there, in the airport. And he saw that little girl, with the blonde curls and those big adorable hazel eyes. She smiled, having seen pictures of them before, and ran toward them as well as she could. And Holden cried. He cried as he swept the little girl up in his arms, and cried as he gave her to Sean, who said she was the most adorable child ever.

Ready

"I have something to tell you." Sean said as they sat down for dinner.

His parents looked at him, a bit concerned by his tone of voice.

"What is it, Sean? You didn't get a girl pregnant, did you?" His dad asked.

"I'm not in high school, Dad." Sean said, and smiled despite himself.

Then he realized what he had to do, and he just kind of blurted it out.

"I'm gay."

And his mom was there hugging him when he started to tear up out of pure fear of their reaction, mostly from his dad. And his dad just stared at him for a long time before speaking.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" He asked.

Sean nodded.

"Can we meet him?"

And Sean nodded again, returning his dad's smile with more relief then he could fathom.

I Want You

Holden couldn't believe it was raining. Of all the days, did it have to be today? He had just spent twenty minutes attempting to call a tow truck to tow his stupid car after the tire had blown out and he realized he didn't have a spare, and after getting no one he was now walking to the nearest gas station. And it was raining.

Then, a rather sexy Hummer pulled up beside him, and the window rolled down.

"Come on, beautiful." Sean said from the driver's seat, smile on his face.

And Holden couldn't help but laugh, getting into the vehicle and wondering how the hell Sean had gotten to him so quickly from their house.

If No One Will Listen

Sometimes, Sean wondered if anyone heard him. He wondered if Kara heard him when he said he wanted a family. He wondered if Paula heard him when he said he didn't care whether or not he kept playing football. He wondered if his teammates heard him when he said he would rather not have a female stripper at his birthday party. He wondered if Holden heard him when he said that he loved him as he was walking out the door.

But now, standing in front of this crowd of people in an uproar, he knew that everyone was listening. And they were listening to him, listening to his confession. And as he lay in bed that night holding the only man he could ever love, the only person who he had ever put his heart on the line for, Sean knew that all he really needed was for someone to listen.