John was grounded for three whole weeks due to an injured leg. He wasn't even sitting in the infirmary for an entire day before Keller had informed Woolsey that a certain Colonel would be needing an extended vacation in Atlantis. He was pretty sure she was just upset that John refused to take more than a day off at any given time, but damn it there was work to be done!

So now here he was, attempting to lounge in one of the infirmary beds. Unfortunately, it felt like his back was rubbing up against a slab of concrete.

Holding a pen in one hand, he used the other to open the journal in front of him. While his team had visited him several times already, it was Teyla who decided to be proactive and get him to stop worrying about staying in Keller's ward for another few days before he was released. It took awhile to explain "Bates' Motel" to her though…She clearly needed to get out more.

After much moaning and groaning, Teyla had brought him a leather-bound, dusty brown book—its pages blank—and told him to write down the reason he was in the infirmary in the first place. He huffed at the idea and attempted to rebuff her efforts to get him to write—of all things! He wasn't Lorne!—but she kept prodding at him to do something therapeutic.

So after much contemplation and boredom, he decided to settle in as best he could. "It's like a sitting on a pile of rocks…" he muttered, shifting restlessly. "Speaking of rocks…" which, of course, were the actual reason he was lying here in the first place. A giant pile of rocks. Well, not-rocks, as Rodney had so helpfully supplied.

In fact, it was that exact description that gave him the title to his new journal: The Misadventures of Not-Earth. When he looked back on it, there was a myriad of instances where not only John's team, but every SGA team had encounters with things that resembled animals, plants and objects from Earth, but were not quite the same as their doppelganger. And that is what started all this damn mess.

So John put pen to paper and began to tell the story:

The Tale of SGA-1 and the Not-Rocks

The day began innocently enough. John, Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla had just passed through the Stargate. The planet they were on, MGM-554 (which brought about several gambling related jokes because, really, MGM?), was lush and beautiful. Enormous green tropical trees and a calm, clear blue sky towered over them.

John whistled. "Hot damn, look at this place! Are we in Hawaii?"

"No," Rodney replied, glowering. "Did we really have to go on this mission today? Zelenka and SGA-7 just found this new ancient tech last night and I would've much preferred to investigate that this morning instead of traipsing along the equator of some backwards planet in the middle of nowhere."

"Hey! You don't know if it's backwards! If anything, this could be the most progressive planet we've ever visited!"

Rodney did not look amused. At all. He held up his energy scanner. "There are no energy readings, Sheppard. None. As in zero. And before you answer, I've checked. There's no magnetic interference. And judging by what many Americans would call the 'perfect temperature', I'm also going to rule out fluctuations in climate patterns as well. We've already scouted with the MALP and all the readings show that there is absolutely nothing of value here, except maybe minerals, which, at the moment, are not exactly in demand on Atlantis."

"You're just a killjoy, aren't you?" John sighed. "Look at this place, Rodney! Just sit back and take in the view for a minute."

"Another minute I could be back on Atlantis actually helping the city?"

"Gentlemen, please," Teyla said, stepping in between the two. "I did not come out here today just so I could babysit you two instead of Torren." Ronon smirked. "We are not scheduled to go back for four hours, so perhaps we could just explore and see what this planet has to offer?"

Rodney huffed. John rolled his eyes in response, "Well, bah humbug to you too!" Trekking into the trees, he quickly spotted something red and shiny. It was small, round and had a sleek surface to it. "Hey, I found something!"

"That was fast…" Rodney commented, ambling up beside him. "What is that? A ruby?"

"Maybe…" John reached down to pick it up. Carefully, rolling it around in his palm, he eventually held it up to the light. "What are the chances of finding rare gems lying on the ground right in front of the Stargate?"

"Oh please, it's nothing more than a glorified rock. Look at it! Rough grooves, sharp edges. And it's embedded with other rocks!" Sure enough, if one stared closely there was the unmistakable gray and brown of various pebbles. "It's worthless. Chuck it."

So he did. The rock soared through the air and hit the uppermost part of a nearby tree, its branches shaking as they shifted in the light breeze. John followed the path with his eyes and saw that it landed amidst a pile of other, similarly shiny stones. "Look! There's more!"

The others slowly trailed behind him. "I thought exploring meant moving away from the Stargate," Ronon ventured, lumbering beside Teyla.

Rodney overheard him. "Yes, well, we all know Sheppard. He's the 'shiny red ball' kind of guy. Besides, the closer we stay to the Stargate, the less walking we'll have to do on the trip back." He sat down next to John on a rather large boulder, massaging his legs. "I'm already cramped."

"You're always cramped," Ronon added.

"Always angry too," John threw in. Rodney glared back at them. "But look! Shiny new rock!" This time, he lifted up an even bigger ruby, needing both hands to hold the heavy item. "And more!" He held the ruby to his chest as he added a large emerald to the pile in his hands. "I'm sure we could make something cool out of these."

"Oh, yes, cool! Exactly my intention when I came through the Stargate. To find something cool!"

"Rodney, sometimes you need to enjoy the simple things in life," John said, stuffing a rather intricately pristine sapphire into his knapsack. "Look at this! Topaz! My birthstone!" He threw that in as well.

"You know, just because it's yellow doesn't make it topaz!" Rodney spat back. Curiosity got the better of him though, as his hand inched over to snag a small violet stone off the ground. "I mean, it's not like this is amethyst or anything," he waved towards John before gazing at it, studying it with intense concentration. "Maybe…" he began before putting the gem in his pocket, "Maybe we should take some back just to make sure. I mean, chances are it's nothing, but…"

"We could make a fortune!" John interrupted. He dropped a murky pearl by accident and bent down to pick it up. In mid-stride, however, he noticed something glowing ahead.

"Oh. My. God."

The others turned their heads in unison and John would have laughed if he wasn't staring at one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen in his life.

"Is that…"

"Wow."

"No way that's…"

"Oh, it is!" John cried, jogging ahead to a denser part of the tropical forest. "It's amazing!" And if 'shiny red ball' syndrome was measured in shiny redness, the giant stone resting in front of John would've made him catatonic. The gem reached his stomach, nearly his chest, and contained every shade of red imaginable. "This is epic."

"Well, it's nice," Rodney interrupted, "But certainly not 'epic.'"

"Shh….don't speak in its presence," John said, gently petting the top of the stone. "The stone can hear you, Rodney. It doesn't like to be insulted."

"Oh, har har, Mr. Four Year-old."

"That's Colonel Four Year-old to you, Doctor!" John shot back. He returned his attention to the giant ruby. "I've never seen anything like this…." His voiced trailed off.

"I must say," Teyla said, "It is unlike any stone I have ever seen." And she was right. Rising at least three feet off the ground, the stone covered a wide expanse of area, likely at least two feet wide. Teyla scanned the surrounding area and noticed that no other stones were even close to the size of this one. She also noticed that John was quite enamored with this particular gem.

"It's like the Holy Grail of rubies!" John circled the stone and Teyla could tell he was trying to organize some plan of attack for getting the stone to the 'Gate. "What do you think?" He glanced up at Ronon. "Think we can lift it?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know."

Rodney bristled. "Are you serious? You have enough of them as it is! Just wait until we analyze them and we'll come back for that—that…" he pointedly indicated the giant stone, "Monstrosity!"

But John was already testing its weight. Giving the ruby a wide bear hug, he placed his arms around it and hoisted upwards. The thing didn't budge. Struggling, he carefully lessened his hold. "Okay, so…that thing ain't movin'."

"Thank you, Colonel Obvious."

"You're just jealous you didn't see it first." John said before turning his attention back to the stone. "What if we rolled it?" John tried, giving the scarlet boulder a nice shove.

"It's half in the dirt!" Rodney yelled. "That thing isn't going to—"

"We could kick it out," Ronon interrupted with a sharp kick. The gem shifted.

"No!" Rodney started again. "Stop hitting—"

"It's working!" John kicked at it himself, the giant stone wobbling back and forth.

"Oh for heaven's sake," Rodney said and joined in the kicking. "This is so stupid," he commented, kicking the ruby again.

But it was the final kick that did it. John reared his leg back and swung hard. The gem dislodged and, as it rolled to the left, exposed its underside to John's retreating leg. The first thing John noticed was the unmistakable sight of jagged, razor sharp teeth. "What the fu—" He was stopped short by a ragged scream.

The third thing he noticed—right after the second, which was that he really did scream like a girl at times—was that his leg was now caught in the mouth of a giant gemstone.

"Holy shit," Rodney said, quickly emptying his pockets of various colorful stones, mindful of man-eating teeth. "These things are organic!" He looked up. "I told you to wait for an analysis!"

John kept tugging on his leg. "Well it's a bit late for that now, isn't it!" Shredded and mangled skin were now mixed inside the gem's mouth, refusing to let go of its desired appendage. "Uh, a little HELP please?"

At that, Teyla and Ronon rushed forward having been too shocked at the sudden revelation of a stone with teeth. The gem had a strong hold on his leg and didn't intend to let go anytime soon.

"It will not let go," Teyla said, trying to gently pry his leg out. "It appears to be clamping down. Perhaps if you stop moving…"

"Easier said than done!" John yelled, but acquiesced to her wishes. Once he gave up struggling, the pain didn't hurt nearly as much. He sat down on the ground, his breath coming out in short, tired gasps. "What a way to start a morning!"

Ronon spoke up from behind him, "It expects its prey to struggle. If you don't move, it won't do anything." The thought wasn't comforting, but Ronon's theory certainly appeared to be correct. Lying down and not moving, the gem seemed content to follow John's lead. The teeth stopped gnashing, but it still ensnared his leg.

"Okay, so ol' Sparkly here has me in a bear trap. Any idea how to get me out?" John asked, looking over at Rodney.

"Me? How would I know! I just learned these things are alive!"

"So did I, Rodney, but I got to learn it the hard way!" he exclaimed, pointing at his leg, the blood starting to saturate the ground. Teyla, to his left, looked very concerned. He attempted to comfort her, "It's not as bad as it looks, really. I don't think it went any farther than some muscle." She looked skeptical, but didn't say anything.

Rodney's eyes lit up. "Okay, we need to check out the rest to see if they have a weakness of some sort. If we can figure out what hurts them, maybe we can apply a little of that and it will release your leg!"

"Sort of like salt on a snail?" John ventured.

"Yes, exactly! Now, first we observe this guy here and see if…well, that's interesting."

"What's interesting, Rodney?"

"Well, it appears to have roots."

John's eyes shot open. "Roots?"

"Yes, as in tree roots. Look here," he pointed and, sure enough, a thick root extended from the underside of the giant ruby and went into the ground. "That means…" he trailed off.

"That means what, Rodney?"

"These other gems aren't the same! They have no teeth! We picked some of them up, remember?"

"Yes," John said, the sarcasm dripping. "I vaguely remember such gems."

"Well, how did they get there? And why are they of various sizes?"

"Please, indulge me, Rodney. My leg is caught in a giant rock."

"Hold on!" He ran out of sight for several seconds and all they could hear were bushes being swept aside and the rustling of branches and twigs. He was back soon after. "Okay, look!" He held up a tiny red stone. "There's no teeth, which means this gem doesn't eat like that one does."

John attempted to follow his train of thought. "And?"

"And!" Rodney started, "That means this must be some sort of fungus! It's a fungus of rocks! This one here," he gestured to the one holding John's leg, "Must be spreading the rest of these rocks throughout the forest! There's probably a giant green, blue, yellow, white, black, and purple one too!"

"It would account for all the different colors…" Teyla said. "But that does not help us get John's leg free."

"No, you're right, but now we know that there's only a few of these large ones out here. Hmm…what if we carried him?"

"No," Ronon said. "That might agitate it. Plus, we would need quite a few men to lift it and him."

"Hey Chewie, you calling me fat?"

"Okay," Rodney bowled past him, "But I mean, we're only what? A few minutes from the Stargate? We could have him back to Atlantis in less than thirty minutes."

"Your call," Ronon questioned, staring at Sheppard.

He sighed. "What if we cut the root first? Maybe that will kill it?"

Rodney's eyes went wild. "Uh, hello? Does cutting the root kill a tree? Of course not! And what if it decides to get all munchy-munchy when we do that? Remember when we tried to kill the Iratus bug? It just clamped tighter! Now that I think about it, what is it with you and things that want to eat you?"

"It's the hair," John joked.

"Funny."

Twenty six minutes later he was sitting in the Atlantis infirmary with a giant rock still attached to his leg. "Well," Keller said, "It hasn't cut through any tendons as far as I can tell and it certainly hasn't reached any bone. That's good!"

John grimaced.

"Sorry."

"It's okay Doc. I'm in pain, yeah, but it's good to know that my leg will pretty much be okay."

"If it stays in this condition? It'll be fine." She went to work, taking samples of the root as the rest of the rock was hard and infallible. No needle would ever break through its exterior. "I must say though, you've really outdone yourself with this one."

"You can say that again," Rodney agreed. "This case of the not-rocks is just as ridiculous as the not-prostitutes."

"That wasn't my fault!"

"Yeah, well, no one's going to forget how that went down." He paused. "Pardon the pun."

"Well, if you just give me a second here, I think, oops!" And just like that, John's leg slid out of the rock as if nothing had happened. "Sorry about that…"

"Don't be sorry, Doc, it worked!" he said, nursing the sore leg. An attendant showed up and began to apply disinfectant.

"Wow, what'd you do?" Rodney asked, just as surprised.

"It was more of a 'what did I drop,' if anything," Keller said. In order to safely carry John and the gem to Atlantis, they had to cut the root. Thankfully, it caused no further damage and didn't change the situation. However, a small piece of the root was left intact for the medical staff to use in order to determine its biology and to get a sample of its DNA.

"What did you drop?"

"Um, just some gum."

"Gum? You were chewing gum! What kind of incompetent staff do we have running this place?" Rodney threw his arms out, exasperated.

"We just received a shipment a few days ago from the Daedalus, Rodney! It's supposed to help against gingivitis!"

"Gingivitis? But you're a medical doctor! I thought your voodoo protected against bad hygiene!"

"I'm not a dentist, Rodney!" She turned to Sheppard. "I'm sorry Colonel, but it seems to have done the trick! Maybe it's the sugar…"

"It's not sugar-free gum?" Rodney exclaimed. "I want some!"

Keller sighed. "Go down to the storage room near the east pier. There's boxes of it stashed there." He was out the door before she even finished speaking.

"I apologize, Colonel."

"Stop apologizing, Doc. Bubblegum saved the day! Let's all be thankful for that."

They heard footsteps pounding towards them as Rodney pushed aside the curtain and motioned towards John. "I'll get you some gum, too," he said. "And from now on, we're taking some with us on missions!" And he was gone again.

Keller shook her head and resumed inspecting John's leg. "I'm afraid you're going to have to be off of this leg for a few weeks, Colonel. It looks like there's some serious tissue damage and….yep, there's an infection."

"Seriously? I wasn't even off-world for an hour!"

"Sorry Colonel, but I'm going to have to ground you for awhile. And next time, please don't kick any colorful rocks." She taped the gauze to his shin and ordered the attendant elsewhere. "We'll have you back up to speed in no time!" She patted his leg and walked away.

"But I was going to make a fortune!" he called after her. "Damn you, not-rocks!"