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He leans against the front doorway, posture slouching, deceptively relaxed. A lit cigarette is lolling out of his mouth, the graceful rings of smoke floating in the air. His hands are trapped in his pockets, one of them clutching his wand. He can feel his palms beginning to sweat due to the almost unbearable mix of nervousness and guilt and heat. He hasn't been here in a week; it already feels so unfamiliar. Fumbling, he pulls out his keys and sticks them into the lock. He is just about to twist the key when the door swings open, slowly revealing Remus Lupin. His heart leaps so hard; his hand almost comes up to clutch at his chest.
Looking away, he lets his jaw drop open, allowing the cigarette to fall. After stamping out the cigarette, he quickly rearranges his features into a smile, hoping and praying that it would fool the werewolf. Of course, it doesn't work. Instead Remus simply stands there, his eyes resigned and devoid of any sparkle. The werewolf can smell it; he can smell the alluring scent of sex, alcohol and smoke on his lover. And it is at that moment in which he realises that maybe he will never truly have Sirius; that Sirius simply cannot commit; that Sirius simply cannot love.
As the dog Animagus averts his eyes so he doesn't have to see the bitter and broken-hearted expression on Remus' face, the werewolf steps aside, giving Sirius enough space to enter. The animagus almost doesn't dare to hope. Hope for another chance. Merlin, he knows that he doesn't deserve a second chance; and he knows Remus knows that.
Sirius can tell by the look on his face that all his insecurities and doubts have come flooding back.
How could he have let this happen?
He loves Remus.
He does, he does, he does.
Gold meets silver for about ten seconds – ten long seconds – and then Sirius steps in. He sees something in Remus' eyes that day. Something that he never wants to see again. It was a kind of terrible grief and sadness, glowing and burning in his eyes.
"So," Sirius starts, a slight grimace on his face.
"…Where did you go?" Remus asked abruptly.
Sirius is slightly taken aback. A sudden anger engulfs him; what right does he have to ask questions like that?
"Somewhere." He snaps, then immediately regrets it when he sees Remus' lips purse and hurt flash in his eyes. "I-"
Remus holds up his hand, effectively silencing the animagus. "Yesterday was the full moon. I was just wondering why you didn't turn up…"
When Sirius stays quiet, he continues, "Because even though you had been gone for almost week without me knowing whether you were even alive, for some crazy reason I had thought that maybe you'd turn up for the full moon at least." Remus snorts and shakes his head, a look of disappointment setting in his face. "Obviously I was wrong."
Sirius feels his heart ache. I'm so sorry. I remembered. I was just too scared to come. I wouldn't have been able to face you. "I-"
"You don't have to explain anything to me, Sirius, it's fine. It doesn't matter anymore. I just- I'm just… so goddamn tired." Remus looks up at him, expressionless, and that's when Sirius notices the dark purple circles under his eyes, the worry lines that are deep-set into his forehead, the small flecks of silver marring his perfect caramel coloured hair.
And yet, Sirius feels his anger flare up again, and then his mouth his opening and closing and he doesn't know what he is saying, doesn't want to know what he's saying. "You think you're tired? My best friend and his wife are being hunted down by a ruthless killer, my godson is ill, my brother is dead and here you stand talking to me as though you're the only one affected by this bloody war!"
"I never implied that, Sirius. Stop jumping to conclusions."
Remus' eerily calm and controlled voice irks Sirius no end and he yells, "I'm not jumping to conclusions! For Merlin's sake, Remus!"
"Why are you yelling at me?" Remus shouts back when finally something inside him snaps. "I'm not the one who's been gone a week without leaving a letter or a note or anything! I'm not the one who been drinking and smoking and having sex with other people!"
"I have not been having sex with other people! You can't just accuse me like that!"
Remus stalks up to the fuming canine until they are chest to chest and nose to nose. He leans over slightly and tilts his neck so that his head is resting in the crook of Sirius' neck. Sirius flinches as he feels Remus' icy cold nose digging into the tender flesh. The werewolf draws a deep breath through his nose, breathing in again the scent of sex, alcohol and smoke. A tear creeps out of his closed eyelids as he detects a hint of Sirius' favourite cologne and shampoo amongst all the other incriminating smells.
"I can smell it all over you, Sirius. Don't lie to me. Cheat on me, hurt me, do whatever you want to me, but just don't lie to me."
Sirius' heart is thundering, pumping blood mixed with hatred and love around his body so fast his vision fills with spots and makes him dizzy. Why was everything like this? Why had he gotten angry so quickly? What had Remus done to Sirius that was making him act like this?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
It was all Sirius' fault.
Remus slowly lifts his head, almost afraid to look at his lover (is that even the right word to use?). They stare at one another, their eyes connected by some unstoppable, uncontrollable force. Remus doesn't know what he sees in Sirius' eyes, but whatever it is, it makes him want to throw things and scream at the unfairness of it all.
He cups Sirius' unshaven cheek and whispers, "Wherever you've gone, Padfoot, please come back. I miss you."
The young Black feels his heart shatter into millions of pieces; those mere words weaving their way into his brain, his senses, his body, his heart.
Wherever you've gone, Padfoot, please come back. I miss you.
Sirius shuts his eyes, acutely aware of the warm body still pressed up against him. Pushing Remus away is one the hardest things he could have done, but that's what he does. Grabbing the werewolf by the shoulders, he pushes him gently. But Remus clutches at his arms.
"Break up with me tomorrow. Just-…let me have today. Please?" he chokes this out, so desperate, that Sirius can't possibly refuse. He doesn't want to refuse.
He runs his arm up Remus' arm, over his shoulder, up his neck and stops at his face. A thumb glides over partly open lips. A finger caresses closed eyelids. A palm cups a cheek.
Entangling a hand in his lover's hair, he pulls his head back and attacks his neck; sucking, biting, nipping. Remus releases a whimper and snatches Sirius head up, attaching their lips for what seems like an eternity. Everything is poured out in that one kiss; hatred, love, suspicion, trust, security, insecurity. Lips move together, hearts beat together, hands move in unison. Everything is raw and fiery, the passion evoked within them taking them and removing them from the harsh mess called reality.
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The sun was filtering in through the curtain, the birds were singing, children were laughing. Remus rubbed his eyes and yawned slowly as he sat up in bed. He felt refreshed, restored, revived. Turning to look at the rest of the empty bed, he knew that Sirius had gone, for good. No tears came this time. He leaned over, breathing in the scent of Sirius on the pillow; the horrible smells from the previous night had disappeared and all that was left was the vanilla of Sirius' shampoo and the enticing fragrance of his cologne. Slipping out of the bed, he set to the task of changing the sheets and the pillow cases, determined to erase everything.
Some people think that holding on that makes you strong, but sometimes it is letting go.
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