Prologue

That annoying, high-pitched shriek pierced through my ears like razor, hitting my brain like a practiced roundhouse kick. A perfect background music for one entering the devil's lair. The fact that my head felt like exploding in million tiny pieces was simply a bonus feature.

"Ughh..." I grunted as I landed face first on the hot ground. "They should invest in a goddamn elevator." I boosted myself up, feeling the ground heat up against my palms. You'd think after a couple thousand years down in this god forsaken place, you'd get used to the lack of conditioned air, lack of sunshine and even a lack of stairs, but no. You can never get used to Hell. And as to approve my words, I felt a bone crushing weight crash straight into my spine.

Lucifer, have mercy!

I spit out a good mouthful of ash and slowly turned my head to see the latest soon to be inhabitant of Hell have a little jog – if you could call it a jog – forward, straight for the gates of Hell if I may add, and then stop like a fucking deer in headlights. The woman was somewhere around three hundred pounds, which explains my broken spine.

I pushed myself up from the ground, a bit too quick if you ask me and forced another rapture upon my already broken spine. I healed quickly, but not that quickly. The excruciating pain blinded my vision for a second. I should probably tell you that the pain you feel in hell is just like the one you'd feel being on earth. Only multiply it by a hundred.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god..." I heard the woman cry as she figured where exactly had she landed.

I coughed a good lunge-full of ash as I steadied myself and took a good look at the arriver. She was sweating like crazy and we weren't even in Hell yet. Fucking gluttons.

"Oh god, please, this can't be..." She continued.

"Lady, just between me and you speaking," I pointed between us, "there's no God down here. So you know."

She froze, her tearful eyes stuck on me, "please," she dropped on her knees, "you have to help me... I don't belong here!"

If only you know how many times I've heard that fucking line. I rolled my eyes and walked forward, "sorry to break it to ya', but I can't help you." I said simply as I walked her by, noticing my used to be black leather jacket now ash grey. Perfect, just what I wanted. Note the sarcasm. As I was about to dust myself off the misery of this place, I felt her grab my arm in a steal tight grip. Look at the spunk on this one. "hey!"

"Please... please, don't leave me..." She sobbed. Oh jeez...

" Well... You could get up and follow me right through those gates. I promise you'll have company." My eyes locked with the black steel burning with a blue flame. I couldn't bare but roll my eyes. Lucifer and his dramatics. But could you blame the guy? Hell was everything he had, although those burning gates were a bit over the top. Oh and that line of people! This seemed a rather busy day for Lilith.

"What's your name?" I heard the woman ask.

"Samael, but down here they call me Sam." I pulled out a pack of smokes from my pocket and lit one up.

"Like... the angel of death?" She squeaked.

"My, my... Someone knows their mythology." I laughed, blowing out a thick cloud of smoke. "Also known as Grim Reaper, Bones, Bonie... Whatever floats your boat."

"Aren't you supposed to be a... man?"

"Are we even supposed to have genders?" I asked rhetorically. The cigarette moved up to my lips as I started moving forward.

"So.. Sam, can I ask you a question?" The glutton spoke, I didn't reply which she took as a sign to fire away. "Did you really tempt Eve into,-"

"No." I took a deep drag from my cigarette, "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"Well in the books they say,-"

My abrupt stop made the woman cut herself off. I turned to look back at that greasy hair and sweat drops on her forehead mess of a human. "The books also say a Body Mass Index over thirty is considered obese and you clearly are over forty." I snapped, leaving the woman quiet. I took one final inhale of the cigarette, "I had a slightly different mishap which is the reason I'm banned from Heaven."

"But you're the Grim Reaper, shouldn't you be able to get in Heaven? Don't you escort the reaped souls?"

My eyebrow arched as I kept asking myself who comes up with these crazy ideas? "I don't escort. It's twenty first century. I convert the reaped souls in a zip format and send to God via gmail." I joked. The woman was about to say something more, "Listen, enough. I've answered more than onequestion already."

"Just one more. Please?" I rolled my eyes, but gestured for her to continue as I continued with my way forward," ... why did you kill me?"

"Honey, do you think all those Taco Bells and Chipotle's were gonna grant you immortality?" I asked shooting her a look over my shoulder. She was barely following. Seemed like this was enough exercise for a lifetime for her. Was she waiting for something more? "I didn't kill you. I rarely kill. I simply collected what belonged to me and frankly? You were way past due."

As we enclosed on the gates, only then I realized the length of the line. The line reached all the way from the reception until the very gate. "You... have to be joking..." I mumbled, kicking the remainder of the cigarette away with my thumb and index finger.

"What's wrong?" The lady questioned.

"Well this clearly won't do..." I muttered glancing down on my wristwatch. If I wanted everything to go according to myplan, I had to be out of here in the next fifteen minutes, but judging by the looks of it, I won't even be in there in the next fifteen minutes. "It was nice bonding with you, but I think I'm gonna squeeze in."

"It seems you're the only one eager to get in." Did she just chuckle? Well that's a first. Or is she hitting on me? Sorry, lady, I don't necessarily swing that way. And you're damned to be here for at least a hundred years.

"That's the magic of being a Grim Reaper. I can come and go as I please." My phone vibrated in the back pocket of my jeans. Oh what now?

An airplane crash in Bangladesh.

Oh great. Had someone hijacked a plane? Yet again? I don't have time for this! I'm booked for the whole month.

"Excuse me," I excused myself as I cut in line in front of someone I think I bumped into on earth four days ago. And he isn't experiencing the fun times of Hell by now, why exactly?

"Hey, Sam," Lilith greeted me lazily, paging an issue of Cosmopolitain. This is truly Hell. "How was your trip?"

"Excruciatingly painful, as usual."

"That's nice." Seemed like she wasn't interested in the conversation the least bit.

"So what's with the hold up?" I asked, noticing the heavily ornamented doors of Hell being sealed shut, which was a first.

"Hell's closed." She replied, her pitch black eyes still on the magazine.

"'scuse me?" I laughed in disbelief. "What do you mean the hell's closed?"

"Exactly what it means. The Hell is closed."

"Okay?" I looked at the long line behind me. Some serial killers, some pyromaniacs... Didn't sound good. "And when is it re-opening, 'cause you know, I don't have all day." I had an appointment with the almighty Lucifer and if I don't get to meet him, most of my stuff is being put on hold.

"You can ask that Lucifer... if you find him." A devilish smirk graced her face.

"And where do you suppose I should send all these goddamned souls?" By now I was furious. It wasn't like I was trying to get God even more pissed at me.

Lilith finally raised her pitch black eyes at me, a mischievous grin pulling at her lips. "Heaven."