Law and Order: SVU After Dark
Look At Me
When we're in bed together, sometimes you scream her name. I pretend to not notice but I do. Every time you do it I get more depressed, I know and understand more that if and when she get's back you will leave me for her. I don't know what I am to you anymore. At first I thought maybe, just maybe I had stolen your heart. That maybe we could be something special. I began to notice that was not the case. I was your simple fuck-buddy. I was a waste of time if I wasn't needed for that one animalistic thing. You don't seem to care that maybe, just maybe I love you and I would give up everything for you. That when and if she came back I just might die inside when you leave. But that wouldn't bother you would it? You would finally be screaming the right name. Never once did you scream mine. You didn't always yell hers but my name never left your lips. Not when I let you roughly shove me up against a wall, take what you need and leave without a word. Not when you interrupt my work to push me to my knees. Never. I have nightmares almost every night. I am a ghost in it. She is the princess. You are the prince. It ends the way all fairytales do. The prince get's the girl. I get nothing but a smashed heart. You seem to be the only one within a five-hundred mile radius of me that doesn't notice how love struck I am. Everybody else knows. Everybody else can see how much you hurt me by not caring. Whenever you turn your back I get thousands of pitying looks. No, to you I'm just a replacement. I try and try to change everything I am for you and nothing works. You're not content unless it's her.
When she finally does come back, I put on a happy face, the queen is back, the only person that doesn't see through it is you. The first time you see her is in my office. You whisper her name. Your eyes are filled with tears. Along with hers. Along with mine. Yours fill because you can't believe she came back and you're partly mad that she's been gone so long. Her eyes fill and she gives you a smile because she's so happy to see you. My eyes fill because I know this is it. I know I have lost. I lost from the second it started. You rise from your seat. She takes a step towards you. You meet her in the middle and you both fall to the ground in each others arms. You don't even wait until I'm not in the room before you kiss her. It's desperate and it doesn't take long before hands are involved. My tears fall freely onto my mahogany desk. She pulls away from you and looks at me. Her face contorts. She can see through me. She gives me a pitying look. One that I'm used to getting from everybody. She doesn't even know me and she can tell. I smile at her. It's a smile that transfers so much. I don't hate her. She has always kept your heart. I am sad. I am ruined and alone but I don't resent you or her. She smiles back and nods her head in understanding. You haven't looked up. You just stroke her hair. I get up from my seat and walk out. Donelly is outside the door waiting. She knows what's happening. I nod my head to the door, she can go in if she would like. She hasn't seen your real lover in years. She takes my hand and leads me to her office. I fall easily into her waiting arms and cry. You will not be coming back to me. I wish for once you could see me for all that I am. I wish you could erase her from your memory for just long enough to see how much I love you. For once Olivia, ignore Alex and look at Casey. For once look at me.