Maybe, You're Going To Be The One That Saves Me?
Category: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Kate/Mark
Summary: Kate isn't done feeling sorry for herself and resorts to a bottle of scotch to help work through her problems. When it doesn't work, who will be there to pick up the pieces? Episode tag for 6827.
Warnings: Minor bad language and alcohol consumption.
Disclaimer: I own nothing :)
Authors Notes: My first and potentially last Neighbours fic... I have a massive crush on Scott McGregor, the main reason I was watching the show and how this came about ;)
Kate pushed her palms flat against the counter as Paul's dulcet reassurance echoed through her head. Had she wanted him to tell her she was wrong? Being stubborn? Stupid? She closed her eyes sucking in a breath as she took a step back. If she'd been honest with her uncle, if she'd revealed the real reason she was so hesitant to let Mark stay, his advice might have been different.
But she couldn't go there, not with Paul or Mark or anyone.
Georgia was pregnant and despite trying to convince herself it didn't matter, that she was happy for her ex-friend... each second that passed was like a vice clenching around her chest. Maybe it was karma but even so it was a cruel twist she hadn't seen coming, whether she deserved it or not.
Pacing back and forth in the small kitchen she came to a hesitant stop in front of the liquor cabinet.
After Susan's firm but truthful talk she had promised herself no more wallowing, she was going to take control and sort her life out... but that hadn't exactly gone to plan, had it? Kissing Mark had been a mistake, a brief moment of insanity spurred from a desperate need to grasp something real. But the panic that had kicked in the second she'd realised what they were doing was enough to derail her hope for a new start.
She had loved him so much with everything she'd possessed and now, she didn't know any more... but she still cared about him, too much to complicate the situation by telling him the truth. What would happen when he found out she couldn't have children? Would he leave or worse try to get her back out of guilt. Even if it wasn't a problem now what about ten, fifteen years down the track? How could they possibly start again when she was broken in so many ways?
The realisation burnt in her throat, bringing a well of tears to her gaze and she took out a bottle of Paul's expensive scotch.
To hell with Susan, to hell with what everyone thought. Paul said he was going 'out' to take care of a few things. She wasn't naive, she knew he was up to something but if it kept him out of the house she didn't care. She needed this... to forget her problems for a few hours and with any luck she'd be long passed out by the time he returned.
Uncapping the amber liquid she didn't even bother with a glass, knocking it back in one long swig.
God, when had her life gotten so screwed up?
More alcohol burned the back of her throat as the answer tore from a painful memory.
Whether she chose to accept it or not things had started going down hill the day she'd found out about Mark's 'death'. Everything after that moment had been one disaster after another; Noah, Sophie, Kyle, Jade, Mason, Kyle, Georgia... every decision she'd made was clouded with poor judgement but what had it mattered? Mark had been gone and something inside her had died along with him.
Only he wasn't dead.
He was here, now... declaring his need for her with every day that passed and she was too terrified, to cowardly to face it. She could have everything she wanted but what if she lost it all again? She'd barely made it through the first time, she wasn't sure she could survive another blow like that.
The room blurred in front of her and she didn't know if it was the alcohol or the moisture stinging behind her eyes. Either way she didn't care, taking another two shots from the bottle. Had she made the wrong decision? Could she really keep going on like this, shutting him out when it was slowly eating away at her?
Taking an unsteady step, she stumbled towards her phone on the counter top.
Should she call him?
A lump nested in her throat at the thought. There was nothing to say. It wasn't fair to keep sending him mixed signals and the only other option was committing to a decision, one she had made perfectly clear earlier. She breathed in roughly, feeling the need to talk to someone, anyone who could lure her further into the alcohol induced haze. She needed to forget, immerse herself in something else and her thumb brushed over Chris' name in her contact list.
With a hiccup she hit dial and she slid down to the floor folding her legs up to her chest. She had no idea what she was going to say but the scotch fuelled her courage and she downed another shot as the line connected.
"Kate, hey-" there was a shuffling sound as he readjusted the phone, "what's going on?"
"Chris, hi! Nothing really, just bored I guess-" she plastered on fake exuberance, inwardly wincing at the defence mechanism. If it was anyone it might have gone unnoticed but this wasn't just anyone else, this was Chris and he didn't waste any time calling her on it.
"Ok..." he drew out, and she could just imagine him shaking his head, "we both know I'm not buying that... seriously, what's up?"
"I..." The word stuck in throat and she took another swig, hanging her head as the kitchen started to spin.
It was a bad idea, such a bad idea and she honestly didn't know if the thought related to the drinking or the phone call.
"I-" *hiccup* "...just wanted to say hi... Paul's out and I..." She bit down on her lip, knowing she was going to regret it but unable to stop herself, "I spoke to Mark-" *hiccup* "I screwed it up Chris, I screwed everything up so badly. God, what is wrong with me? I'm so stupid!" A hitched sob threatened to escape and her hand flew to her mouth, ignoring the bottle of scotch as it crashed to the floor.
She was not going to cry, not now, not after everything.
"Kate are you ok? What happened?" His voice was strained and she shook her head trying to indicate it was nothing but her silence and the fact he couldn't see the gesture only made him sound even more panicked.
"Seriously Kate, where are you?"
"Fine," she coughed clearing her through, "I'm fine. I just knocked a glass over that's all. I'm fine, I shouldn't have called... sorry."
She disconnected the call before he could speak, trying to regain some of her composure before calling him back. She knew he was only going to worry if she didn't but she needed a second, a few moments to sober herself up. Water, she needed water. How the hell had she managed to get so drunk so quickly?
Pushing up on her legs, she regretted the move instantly as a wave of nausea sent her crashing back down.
"Damnit!" Her hand shot out, landing in the midst of the glass and she swore loudly as the broken pieces pierced her skin. Before she could react blood started oozing from multiple cuts and she swallowed the urge to be sick, using her free hand to force herself upright. When the room settled again and she breathed out slowly, trying to fight the emotions that were coupling with the pain.
Her hand stung but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the angry dismissal Mark had thrown when she'd kicked him out of the apartment. She didn't know if it meant he was giving up on them but the idea sent her stomach reeling again. What if he left, what if he stayed and found someone else like Sheila had suggested? Could she handle it, did she have a choice?
Fresh tears assaulted her vision and she didn't try to stop them as she cradled her hand. Maybe she should leave, run as far away from the situation as possible like the last time she thought she'd lost him. Would it help? Or would it only make the longing worse knowing he was out there and alive?
"I can't do this-" she whispered the words over and over, feeling the weight of them settle on her shoulders. How could she say goodbye to him for a second time? She was choiceless. If she stayed it was going to be too painful but if she left it would break her heart all over again.
Not that it mattered, it was already busted wide open.
A knock at the door made her jump and she swallowed sharply trying to bring the room into focus. The sound persisted and she swore, realising she'd forgotten to call Chris. He couldn't possibly have made it over in such a short time, could he? But then again how long had she been standing there, completely absorbed by her thoughts?
Judging by the blood soaking through her clothes it had been a while...
There was another knock and she grabbed a tea towel from the rack, fumbling to get it around her hand as she moved unsteadily to the door, "all right, all right I'm coming! Just give me a second..."
She could feel shards of glass biting into her skin as she wound the towel tighter and clenched her teeth against the discomfort. Luckily the scotch was doing a great job numbing the pain and she relaxed slightly knowing Chris was on the other side of the door. He was one of her oldest friends and even if he didn't understand, knowing he cared was a massive comfort right now.
When she was sure she wouldn't break down under his sympathetic gaze, she twisted the knob catching her breath as Mark appeared in her vision. He was the very last person she'd been expecting to see and she struggled to take in air, willing herself to keep breathing.
Mark felt his stomach drop as he caught Kate's exhausted gaze. When Chris had phoned him he'd been reluctant to come over but seeing her now, he was positive both men had made the right call. "Chris was stuck at work," he said in way of an explanation, "said you might be, that you might need..." he stopped short not sure whether to reveal the extent of the mechanic's concern but he didn't dwell on the uncertainty for long. As soon as his gaze travelled down he knew Chris had every right to be worried.
"Kate, what the hell is going on?" He tried to stay calm as he took in the amount of blood splattering her clothes but his insides were dissolving into a knotted mess. How long had she been like this, where was Paul? None of it was making any sense and the detective side of his brain kicked into overdrive. "Kate what happened, is anyone else hurt, how bad is it?"
"I..." she faltered, trying to snap out of her daze. He couldn't be here, not now, not when she was on the verge of falling apart. "It was nothing, I knocked over a glass that's all... but I'm fine, really, you don't need to be here." She tried to close the door but his foot wedged it's way in and her voice cracked as she pleaded with him, "Mark, I can't do this right now... please just go."
He watched her unsteady gaze, feeling the rejection twist tightly in his chest. It was obvious she'd been crying and the close proximity alerted him the fact she'd been drinking. Her breath reeked of alcohol and he didn't know whether to be sympathetic or angry as he glanced around. Paul's car was gone which meant in all likelihood he was out and she had clearly taken advantage of the fact by getting completely wasted. "You're drunk and hurt, I don't care what you say I'm not leaving you here alone like this."
The protective tone threatened to undo her resolve and she might have fought him had it not been for the determined set of his jaw. She knew he wasn't going to take no for an answer and with a reluctant sigh she pulled the door back allowing him inside.
"Tall glass." He commented, moving towards the mess on the kitchen floor. Again his brain went into detective mode, trying to guess how much alcohol she'd consumed, what had happened, how bad the damage was? There was blood everywhere and concern tightened his expression as he turned back to her, "now, are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"
He was surprised when she hesitantly offered her arm and when she didn't say anything and he wasn't sure if it was because she was angry or sulking. Either way he didn't need to know, not yet. "Good. I'll try and be gentle, I promise." With delicate fingers he unwrapped the towel, wincing at the cuts marring her skin, "Jesus Kate, there's still glass in here."
She sucked in a breath as he prodded the area, though she was sure it should have been more painful than it actually was.
"It's not too deep, where's your med kit?" He asked, following her nod towards the kitchen cupboard. She was lucky, even though there was a lot of blood it didn't look like it was going to need stitches and being a cop he'd had a lot of practice dressing wounds. "Sit down at the table, I'll try to make it as quick and painless as possible."
She nodded mutely deciding it was in her best interest to follow the order. If she stayed quiet and let him patch her up then he would have no excuses for hanging around. She was going to kill Chris the next time she saw him, what the hell had he been thinking sending Mark in his place?
The box landed on the table with a soft thud and she stretched out her hand, turning her head away as he pulled out a pair of tweezers. Whatever pain he was about to inflict she decided she probably deserved it. He was here, being nothing short of chivalrous and she couldn't even string two words together in conversation. It hurt too much to try, and the notion that it was because she still loved him constricted tightly in her chest.
"Sorry." He apologised in advance, concerned by her expressionless reaction as he pulled out the broken pieces of glass. If she felt anything at all then she was doing an exceptional job of hiding it and he didn't know whether it was the alcohol numbing her pain or whether she had just become a master at shutting off her emotions.
Still, he knew the women he had left was in there somewhere... he just didn't know how to reach her. He had tried, god knew he was trying and guilt crawled it's way up and under his skin. Was he responsible? Was this his fault or was he just being egocentric? The last thing he'd ever, ever wanted to do was hurt her but life hadn't afforded him any other option. He hadn't been given a choice and he breathed out slowly in one last ditch attempt to get through to her, "I'm sorry Kate, for everything. You have to know that." When she didn't respond he sat the tweezers aside, swallowing roughly as he picked up her hand, "I'm so sorry, if there'd been any other way... if I could go back-"
"Don't." She lifted her gaze to the ceiling fighting back a fresh wave of tears. If she'd made it in time to meet him at the pick up then everything would've played out differently, they could have gone through everything together but wishing wasn't going to change anything. "It wasn't your fault."
He let out a small breath of relief until she tore her hand from his grasp.
"It wasn't your fault but you left me, you died-"
She pushed up from the table, ignoring the sudden spin of the room. Maybe she wasn't being fair but what did he want? They couldn't just pick up where they'd left off, too much had changed and he was acting like it didn't even matter. "You don't know what I went through, what it was like thinking I'd never see you again! You don't know everything that's happened to me since you left- "
"So explain to me, talk to me so I can understand-" he rose to face her, feeling a wave of frustration as she turned away from him towards the sink, "how am I supposed to know what happened Kate, how are we supposed to move past this if you keep shutting me out."
"Maybe we're not meant to."
She turned on the tap and thrust her hand under the water, steering herself as pain burst up through her arm. It sent black dots spiralling across her vision but she needed it, she needed the distraction and forced herself to endure the cold temperature.
"What happened Kate, tell me what happened while I was gone?" Mark stepped forward, his voice low and gentle as he watched the pain cementing across her face. Whatever she was hiding it wasn't just being kept from him, she wasn't dealing with it herself either.
"I lost you." She pulled her hand from the water, clasping it tightly with a ragged breath, "I loved you and then I lost you, do you understand that? I can't go through it again, I can't... so please would you just stop asking me to."
His heart beat faster in his chest as he watched her, the knowledge resting sickly in his stomach. He was ready to fight for her, for them but she was asking him to let go and he couldn't fight her, not when he had been the one to cause her so much pain.
"Ok... if you want to give up, if you're too scared to even try then I'll leave-" the words tasted bitter in his mouth and he swallowed trying to ignore the way each one threatened to break him, "but you need to look me in the eye... look me in the eye and tell me you're sure Kate. Cause If I walk out that door now it's done, we're over and you'll never have to see me again."
She turned determined to give him the out, to save them both the pain and heartache of another failed try but the second she met his pained expression she felt like she couldn't breathe. What was she doing? They had been happy once and it felt like the only time she had been truly happy, was she really going to lie and tell him it meant nothing? A sob lodged in her throat and she squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to lie but she couldn't... not to him, not any more.
"I have premature ovarian failure."
A thick silence settled between them and she forced herself to keep going, "I don't know if I can ever have kids... so I'm sorry that I shut you out but I didn't want you to feel like you had to chose. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on anyone but that's just the way it is."
"Kate..."
"Don't," her voice cracked as she struggled to maintain her composure, "don't pretend like this is ok, because it's not... I don't have a choice but you do." She wiped her eyes, unable to stop the tears from falling. Ever since she'd learned about Georgia she'd been trying so hard to bury the emotions but now they were surfacing with a vengeance and she finally let herself break down, covering a sob as he stepped forward. For a moment she wasn't sure how he was going to react but when he wrapped his arms around her she gave in, clinging to his shirt as if it was the only thing in the world that made any sense.
"You should have told me sooner-" he whispered, hugging her tightly as the situation finally started to make sense. It was like a vale had been lifted and while he had to admit it came as a shock, it was by no means a reason for him to run. If they could move past everything else then there was no reason they couldn't face this together too. "I'm sorry, I so sorry," he rubbed small circles over her back, hoping the effect would calm her, "but you should know it doesn't change anything."
She pulled back genuinely confused by the comment. All she could see was sincerity and sympathy pooling in his gaze and she wiped her eyes trying to come to terms with his response. "How can you say that?" She stepped back shaking her head, "you deserve to be happy, to have a family..."
"And who says we won't?" He moved forward again grasping her arms with a gentle smile, "there are other options Kate and as long as they're with you, I don't care what or how hard they are. I love you, that's all that matters to me."
She wanted to run, flee from the conversation before she lost the last bit of rationality her mind was clinging to but it was already too late. She was terrified of getting hurt but his unwavering confidence gave her strength to face the fear. He seemed so sure, so certain they could work things out, all she had to do was trust him.
She couldn't form the reassurance in words, she wasn't there yet... instead she wrapped her arms around his neck hoping it would be enough.
He reacted instantly by tightening his grip around her waist and for the first time in months she felt safe again, like she was actually moving forward. Paul was right she deserved to be around people who made her happy and there was a time when Mark had been her everything. If they could find that again then maybe she could start to get her life back on track.
"I'm sorry," she breathed into his shoulder, clutching her fingers around his neck, "I've been so stupid, so stubborn."
A retort was quick on his lips but he swallowed it in favour of savouring the moment. It's all he'd wanted, ever since the moment the police had told him he was a free man and now they were finally getting their second chance.
With a gentle sigh he pulled back enough to face her, to catch the small but genuine smile floating on her lips. It was the first time since his return that he'd seen genuine happiness reach her eyes and he leant forward capturing her mouth against his. It had been one hell of a road getting here but none of that mattered now.
They were finally on the same path and ready to start the journey together.