NAME: Need
Author: Sexbell
Disclaimer: the characters in this story don't belong to me and thank to Tim for help me with this story
I don't know how I had grown to need her so much.One minute we were just colleagues, our relationship strictly professional, with all the distance and boundaries that mark interactions between co-workers. The next minute, I don't know what happened. On the surface, it's not as if anything has changed. We're still hidden from each other by the boundaries imposed by the job. But beneath the surface, something has changed, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, or whether it is just my imagination playing tricks on me. It's just that now, I need her in a way I've never needed anyone before, not even Grissom.I'm not sure Catherine even knows that. It's not as if I said anything to her about the way I feel. I can't quite tell if she's picked up on the way I turn to her for ideas, listen to her tentatively stated theories, the way I look to her to be at my side when things seem to be falling apart around me. I think maybe she knows, but I can't be sure she sees it as anything unremarkable. I don't know whether she has the slightest idea how hard it is for me to open up to anyone, or how hard it is for me to need anyone.There's that word again.
NEED
it's such a simple work, four little letters. One tiny syllable. But it's a frightening work. A powerful word when we think of powerful four lettrs words fuck or love are the ones that come to mind. They're the ones we consider dangerous or difficult.But they're so overused in our society that they've lost some of their potency. We use need all the time, but for trivial and mundane things. We say it when we really should be saying we want something. When we're talking about the things that aren't really necessities. It's as if we fear it, so we shy away from using it in a context where it means anything at all.And we rarely say outright that we need another person, unless we're talking about sex or lust. That most definitely isn't the case here. Catherine and I have barely crossed the line into friendship. We aren't even close to being on a fast track to romance. She's flirted with me, and I've flirted back, but it's never been anything that would raise an eyebrow, or give anyone reason to gossip about us. She's never made a secret of her bi-sexuality, but given her history with Mia I just assumed she was walking...the straight path.Of course, I've got history with Grissom, and yet I've been questioning my sexuality. Becoming slowly and painfully aware that I am attracted to woman. that I'm attracted to Catherine.I can't even figure out what started me down this lonely mental pathway. Usually, I don't even think like this. I prefer to focus on the more concrete realities of daily life, or ponder abstract theories about things that don't really affect me. Thinking about my emotions is not something I do on a regular basis.Hell, the term "emotionally repressed" has my picture next to it in the dictionary. I've been content to slide through most of my life without paying much attention to the idea of having a romantic partner. It's always been easier that way, safer that way. I'm preoccupied with work, not letting myself think too much about having any other life, but there's something about her that's attracting me, piquing my interest. In a way, I can't even explain to myself.It's the little things. The way her forehaed creases when she's worried. The way her deep blue eyes sparkle when she's amused, her rich throaty laugh, the compassion in her heart, and the way she puts people right at ease with a touch on the arm. Like her hands always unobtrusively helping to smooth the rough edges of my life.I keep trying to tell myself that it is not an attraction.That she's just been a good friend to me, and it's not exactly like I've had a whole lot of those in recent years. So I keep telling myself that maybe it's not attraction that I feel for Catherine. I keep telling myself that it's just that I've forgotten what friendship is like. That I've forgotten what it's like to be close to anyone, other than some of the guys at work.But if that's the case, then why do I notice the soft sway of her hips when she walks. The gentle curves of her breasts. The elegance and beauty of her long fingers.Why do I notice that she is beautiful, inside and out. I'd like to keep lying to myself, but I can't any more. Face it Sara, What you feel for Catherine goes a lot deeper than friendship.But even if I admit it to myself, I don't think I can admit it to her. Especially since the chances that a relationship could go anywhere are slim to none. I mean I think she cares for me as more than a friend, but I'm also well aware that it could be wishful thinking on my part. I've never been as adept as most people at reading situations and people. And we still have to work together.
OK,
so we don't work together on a daily basis, but we spend a lot of time unraveling clues and cases. We work well together, and I don't want to put that at risk. We're both professionals, and business and pleasure have never mixed.Oh Hell, I'm still lying to myself. I may as well face it, admit the truth to myself once and for all. The problem doesn't have anything to do with whether either of us is straight or whether she cares about me in the same way I care about her. It doesn't even have anything to do with whether pursuing a relationship other than friendship would ruin our ability to work together.The problem is that I'm scared.We're been working together for five years now, and I've seen the signals she gives me. The lingering looks, the little touches that last a bit longer than really necessary, and the flirtatious banter. She has come over any time I've had a problem and needed someone's help.It didn't matter whether I called her at the crack of dawn or the dead of night. She came and never asked if there was someone else I could call. I never wanted it to be anyone else. So, it seems that she is as attracted to me as I am to her.And yet, the knowledge that the attraction is reciprocated isn't what scares me. Though, that is what I would have expected myself to be afraid of. Strangely enough, the fear is not because she's a woman, even though good catholic girls are not supposed to sleep with other girls, and it is also not stemming from some preemptive urge to destroy a potential relationship before it starts in order to avoid the pain that I'd feel, if things end badly. When I allow myself to think about the possibility of a relationship with Catherine, the fear of the end doesn't scare me, and I don't know that we'd last and don't know if this is true love everlasting, but I know Catherine well enough to be certain that no matter what happened, she'd never hurt me. I'm safe with her.I suppose what I should be scared of, is the danger of the job we do. The thousand and one very real pitfalls that line the path of any romance, but I'm not. I mean they do scare me, but it's just that for the first time they don't scare me enough to prevent me from going after what I want.So then why am I sitting at home alone on a friday night, on my night off, aching with thoughts of a beautiful and caring woman and doing nothing at all about, NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT those thougths?
What is it that I'm really afraid of?
NEED
I'm scared because I need her so badly. I need her friendship, her respect, her trust, and her quiet understanding. She centers me, balances me. She's been my anchor during one of the most worst times of my life, and I need her.Just the thought of losing her friendship by confessing my attraction to her makes my palms sweat, and my heart rate triple. That's what really scares me, the ldea of losing the one person I need most in this world.
TO BE CONTINUED