A/N- I originally wrote and published this story in January of 2014. Because I lost interest and had a lot going on in my life, I eventually stopped updating and forgot all about my story here. It is my intention to rewrite the parts of the story that are already published here and to actually finish the story.
If you are reading this please jump to chapter 19 to get more details on the matter as I try to unfuck this dumpster fire. Thanks!
To all of you waiting for an update: I'm sorry, I know how that feels. Hopefully you find your way back here and read the much improved version that is to come lol. Enjoy everyone, and if you have a request or idea for this story please feel free to comment, I would love to write about what you guys wanna read.
The sun had already gone down by the time I was pushing open my bedroom door. I slid into the dim room and tossed my bag aside, eager to go wallow in my self pity. Why was I such a dumbass? It should have been obvious from the start. I sighed and flopped onto my bed, shoving my head between my pillows and reflecting on my dumbassery.
We were standing in line to get ice cream from the shop on the boardwalk when I decided I needed to make my move. She leaned over the glass to get a better look at the flavors in the back and decided on a scoop of strawberry cheesecake on a cone. I got the usual and paid for our ice cream, holding the door for her as she tugged me along to find someplace to sit and eat. When her hand gripped mine I could feel my cheeks flushing and I was struck with that sudden electric feeling in my stomach, washing a new wave of nervousness upon me. I willed myself to go through with my plan as we walked over to a bench on the beach painted pink and gold with the setting sunlight.
"Don't you think it's beautiful? The water, I mean. It just sparkles when the sun hits it." Her voice had a touch of giddy softness in it, the kind that came around when she spoke of something she really, truly loved. I hoped that maybe one day she would talk about me like that.
"Sure, Feferi, it's really pretty." I didn't particularly care all that much about the ocean or the way it sparkled in the sun but I wasn't about to let her know that. Especially when I was about to put my master plan into action. "So.. I have something I've been meaning to ask you about." Well fuck.. No more backing out of this one I guess.
"Sure, Sollux, what is it?" She looked at me with her deep brown eyes and flashed me her classic sweet smile. I took a deep breath and just forced the words out, eager to just get this over with as fast as possible.
"I was wondering if you'd maybe like to go out with me sometime…" Suddenly I was unable to look at her as my cheeks began to flush again. I gripped my spoon a little too hard as I waited for her response. The silent seconds seemed to stretch on for hours and I began to suspect the worst. I gathered what little resolve I had left and turned back to look at her and suddenly I wish I hadn't. The look in her eyes screamed pity and her smile had faded to an awkward grimace.
"I'm really sorry, Sollux, but I have a boyfriend.." She must have noticed the crushed look on my face because she quickly followed up with the classic "but we can still be friends" line. We sat in the most awkward silence of my life as my blush grew and my grip on my spoon nearly broke it. I don't know what came over me but I stood up without a word and walked over to the trash can, throwing away my uneaten ice cream and finding my feet taking me still further away from her. I never even looked back at her as I walked all the way to my truck and climbed in. Since my dads were away on a business trip I had to stay at my best friend's house instead, so that's where I went.
A stray tear slid down my cheek as I sat up in bed. I hoped Karkat and his mom would be late coming home, I just needed to be by myself for a while. I slipped off my glasses and set them on the bedside table, rubbing the redness from my eyes. I decided it would be best to go to sleep as soon as possible, before Karkat came home and flipped his shit over the mess in our room. I really wasn't in the mood to listen to him yelling, or to clean up for that matter. I looked at the clock next to Karkat's bed and decided that I at least had enough time for a quick shower before self-pity-wallowing myself to sleep. I picked up a pair of sweatpants from a pile of clothes on the floor and headed for the bathroom.
As steam filled the air, I looked at myself in the mirror. No wonder I couldn't land a girlfriend; I wasn't exactly a treat for the eyes. My basic light brown hair refused to lie down and my sudden growth spurt last summer left me with some pretty unsavory nicknames. I had never been popular by any means but fuck, wasn't there someone out there who could settle for just me? I scowled at my reflection and finished undressing.
The hot water was welcoming as I stepped into the shower. I almost smiled as the scent of my shampoo filled the room. The smell of it reminded me of the honey I used to drizzle over my pancakes when I was little and helped ease my mind a little. I let the soapy spray wash over my body for as long as I could, hoping that the hot water would help disguise the fact that I had been crying. I didn't really want to deal with that conversation in the slightest. I wished I could stay in there forever, but sadly Karkat would want to take a shower when he got home and would be pissed if I used up all the hot water. I stepped out and toweled off, pulling on my sweatpants as I opened the door.
"It's about time, asshole." I looked down to see the familiar scowling face of my best friend; apparently he had been waiting for me to come out of the shower. I shrugged and continued on my way to our shared room, not really wanting to listen to him complain. He slammed the bathroom door and I heard the water turn on as I sat down on my bed. With a sigh I laid my head on the pillow and pulled the blanket up to my chest. I closed my eyes and thought about Feferi again. I did my best to quell the emotion rising up in my chest as I recalled the smile on her face before I went and fucked it all up. She would probably never even want to see me again, and at this point I didn't blame her. I drifted off to sleep, wondering if I should have stayed there with her.