Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer here, I wish I owned Slayers and everything with it, but I don't. If I was making money off this, I'd be rich...but I'm not. I'm just a poor college student with too much free time.

Okay, after a lot of thought, (and encouragement from many wonderful people to continue this!) I decided to rewrite this series a bit, both to update my general style, and to fix the many mistakes. Enjoy...and as always, C & C is welcome.

Chapter 1: Tell Me What I Want to Hear

Why did the heart have to be so complicated? Things never turned out the way they were supposed to, the style written about in all the classic tales, the romantic ballads. There was no instant connection, no flash of light; their eyes hadn't met across a crowded tavern, angelic choirs hadn't started singing amid beams of blinding sunlight.

Poetry didn't stream from her lips; if anything, she was lucky to put two words together around him these days. No, matters of the heart were certainly nothing like the stories made them out to be. Then again, she'd been a fool to ever think that life could possibly run as smoothly as a fairy tale.

Seeking a distraction, Lina casually scanned the camp again. Various equipment rested in odd-sized parcels scattered about, each one casting shadows that danced in time with the flickering campfire. Just within range of the fire's warmth sat her companions. To no one's surprise, Gourry had already fallen asleep, the occasional mutter escaping his lips. Sylphiel lay at his side, comfortably snuggled in his arms. A soft smile lit the healer's face, and it was obvious to Lina that they were truly happy together. If only she could have been so lucky.

'There's no way I will find a simple love like that. Chaos-child aside, I doubt that anything in my life is meant to be so easy.' Letting her gaze soften, Lina sighed to herself. 'Those two were perfect for each other from the start. If anyone in our group deserves a fairytale ending, it should be them. Now in my case…I just had to fall with the odd man out. Not only is he the one person in our group that shows little to no emotion, but he also puts his pursuit of stronger magic - both for his cure and otherwise - above all else. As if that weren't enough, he also had to have someone else already chasing after his heart!' She scowled darkly at her final thought. Turning a bit, she gazed with deadly accuracy at one corner of the camp, to where Amelia sat.

Blissfully unaware of Lina's heated gaze, Amelia continued chatting with Zelgadis. Moments after striking camp she'd pounced on him, and the two had spent the rest of the night talking. Watching them, Lina didn't miss the unusual animation he was displaying. While the nods of agreement were normal enough, the occasional smile wasn't.

Her mood darkened a bit at that. It was rare enough to see Zel smiling, even rarer to hear actual laughter. Now those precious emotions were being given freely to another. At one time Lina had fancied herself the only one able to break through Zel's dark moods…but even if she hadn't learned better over the years, tonight would have opened her eyes quite a bit.

Yep, you sure know how to pick'em, Lina. A small part of her chimed in.

'Oh, shut up…' She snapped the thought. 'Things are bad enough without my natural talent for sarcasm showing up. Can't I have a gloomy night now and then?'

Ah, but you've been slipping into moods like that too much lately. It isn't like you.

Lina muttered a soft curse. 'I'll decide what is or isn't like me, no one else.'

Deciding that her inner debate had gone on enough already, she let herself focus on the others again. The pair were still deep in discussion, almost oblivious to her presence, not that the idea really surprised her. Despite everything they'd done together over the years, more and more she felt like the odd one out, the extra member.

Oh, she'd worked alone before…but her time with Naga had taught her the benefits of partners, even annoying ones. When Gourry had shown up, though she would never admit it, she'd been happy for the company. While there were still times she missed working alone, having friends was more than she wanted to sacrifice for that kind of freedom.

But time had a way of changing things. They argued more now, talked and joked a bit less. It was as if they were all bored with each other, sick of the same faces, the same adventures. Never mind that they had chosen to team up with her. Somewhere along the way they had started slipping from adventuring together to working on personal goals, enough that now she felt more like a burden than a binding and driving force. A small part of her had even begun to wonder if any of them would notice or care if she were to leave, be it suddenly or by disbanding their little gang. What if she were hurt? Would they put their own quests on hold? Would they feel the same loyalty they'd all shared in the past?

Of course they would! That small part of her piped up immediately.

She tried latching on to the optimistic thought, but her doubts wouldn't be ignored. Why would anyone care about you? You're just some runt with a flare for magic, a child that's served her purpose. What are you without some cause to fight? You can hardly wield your sword, you spend most of your time complaining or attacking others, you eat as much as most armies, and your looks leave much to be desired. Face it; Sylphiel is the kind and understanding one, Amelia is the cheerful and cute one, and you're just the left over with a loud mouth and a sharp temper.

That was find straw in Lina's opinion. 'Be quiet! Why won't you just-' She closed her eyes, sharply cutting off her poisonous train of thought. "Shut UP!"

The last of her thoughts exploded from her in a yell, her eyes flying open in surprise. Immediately Amelia and Zelgadis turned to stare at her, clearly startled at her outburst. Thankfully Gourry and Sylphiel slept on, though the pair tossed and turned a moment before settling back down.

Lina felt her cheeks redden in embarrassment, and hastily she fought to stay calm. Amelia's narrowed gaze didn't help matters. At one time the princess would have already jumped to her feet, worried for her friend and fellow champion of justice. But lately she'd changed, oddly reminding Lina more and more of Naga, both in looks and attitude. Now the princess glared at her, the look obvious enough that Lina could almost hear her thoughts. 'Quit bothering my Zel and I.'

With something like that fresh in her mind, she didn't even bother looking at Zelgadis. One person's disapproval for the night was more than enough.

Before either could actually say anything, she stood up abruptly. Once on her feet, Lina felt her control slip just a bit, but she was determined to keep herself stable until she'd left their sight.

"Umm…sorry." She mumbled, finding the sight of her feet suddenly fascinating. When the two remained silent, she turned sharply on her heel and all but ran from the pair.

Caring more about her escape, rather than the direction that escape took her in, Lina let herself run blindly. All that mattered at that moment was getting away for a while, that and salvaging what little remained of her pride. Only the fact that she'd kept from crying eased her mind, giving her one thing to be a bit proud of.

Dimly Lina noticed the passing trees, though after a while they started to blend into a single dark blur streaking alongside her. The tears hovering at the edge of her vision weren't helping matters. She wasn't used to tears; after all, wasn't Lina Inverse the strong one? Lina Inverse was supposed to face down dark lords with a smile, control spells of utter destruction without a hint of worry…she wasn't supposed to run from two people that were her partners, that should have automatically been considered friends.

She took a deep breath, hoping to push aside her emotions. Instead, her mental and emotional pain were replaced with physical, a coughing fit seizing her suddenly. Lungs burning, she laughed despite the pain it brought. She couldn't even run away without messing it up somehow. It just wasn't her night.

Even with her coughing pains, she continued running for some time after, only stopping once her legs were on the verge of collapsing beneath her. With a clumsy landing that would have made the old Amelia proud, Lina fell to her knees roughly. She spent a few minutes just taking in the cold night air, each breath a loud, frantic gasp. Briefly she thanked whoever was listening for cutting off the tears that had threatened her earlier. Even with dry eyes, her throat and lungs made up for it, each burning from her earlier abuse.

Eventually her system settled down, and for the first time she took a good look at her surroundings. Trees ringed her on all sides, each bit of shadow-darkened bark and pine looking much like every other. Narrowing her eyes a bit, she peered into the gloom, hoping to recognize something. When no convenient path back to camp presented itself, she cursed.

"Great, just great. I'm too tired to use magic, assuming it wasn't that time of the month to begin with, and I'm too foolish to keep from getting lost in the first place!" She muttered, slamming a fist into the damp ground.

Inwardly she started laughing. Here she was, the chaos mage herself, lost and alone in some nameless woods. For years people had either respected her or hated her, glad to see her slay their enemies while also living in terror of her black magic. Over the years she had saved kingdoms, recovered lost spells and knowledge, and destroyed countless bandits and monsters. Several times she had thought about settling down in a small town somewhere, living the rest of her life in peace. There had to be a single village somewhere that hadn't heard her name…hadn't heard the tales.

It was a naïve dream though. Everyone knew the stories, had heard her nicknames. She was to be avoided at all costs…unless needed to handle some problem too big for anyone else. Even if she did find such a town, they'd find her; people wanting favors, enemies wanting to get rid of her…she was too much the wild card to ever be left alone. Chaos and death followed in her wake…even past miracles couldn't wipe away the fear she instilled in their eyes.

Even her friends had it. She wasn't certain when everything had hit that final breaking point, but after tonight…she couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't, no, she wouldn't stomach another night of lonely dreams, another day of silence…or worse, the whispers and glances. Oh, the others tried to be all smiles when they thought she was looking at them, but she could see the changes despite their act.

Gourry claimed to see her as a little sister, a partner to be protected, but she noticed the waver in his voice, the fear in his blank stare. They'd gone beyond their old playfulness…he'd seen too much, knew just what destruction she was capable of. Sylphiel played the part of understanding friend, kind and forgiving priestess…but Lina had caught her shuddering more than once, clinging to Gourry when she stepped too close. For all the good she'd done, she was no saint; if she could fight Shabby and the rest, then couldn't she fight friends that displeased her? Amelia claimed to admire her, but repeatedly she'd heard the nasty comments; insults on her appearance or behavior, insults delivered with a haughty sneer that would have done Naga or Martina proud. Lina didn't fit into her code, her world of black and white justice…anyone that could cross the line from saint to sinner so easily wasn't to be trusted…especially if that unknown also had an eye for Zel.

Zelgadis…now he'd been honest from the start. They'd met under a banner of challenge, caught in a duel to see who was more capable, held more worth in both skill and cause. It hadn't just been about the Philosopher's Stone…they'd each seen something in the other's eyes, a spark of challenge and defiance. After that they'd become colleagues, each respecting the other for various reasons.

As she continued mastering greater spells, taking on grander enemies, she started feeling more like a teacher among students. They all looked up to her at various times, either as a guiding force or someone to handle situations they couldn't.

He also knew the kind of knowledge she carried, had been offered at various points, while he'd been denied the chance…and he didn't bother hiding the fact that he wanted to learn it, always wanted to find more and apply it where he would. He was a fighter and mage, yet just as much a scholar at heart.

He'd led an extremely hard life, both before and after meeting them. Taking on so much so young had worn away much of his personality; betrayal, scorn, and fear had only helped it along. He'd gradually hardened himself against it, though his chosen method was different than her own. But if Zelgadis said something, he meant it. He didn't bother with the false smiles, the petty compliments. He didn't flinch at her power…he inhaled it. Like her, he'd seen far too much to let the little things affect him.

You consider yourself the same as him? Don't kid yourself, Lina. Would he have broken down earlier, almost crying at something so trivial? You've been acting like a spoiled child, whining at everyone, throwing a tantrum at every opportunity. You may claim to be strong, able to face down any danger, but you yourself proved that a lie…you couldn't even face your own traveling companions! You run from them into the night, blaming them for things they didn't even do, things you're only assuming. Again her mind taunted her, dark thoughts lashing out against her.

"Damn you!" Lina suddenly yelled into the night, a few shaking leaves her only response. She'd yet to stand up, but it didn't seem important anymore.

Only her anger mattered at that moment. There was only the pain, the neglect…imagined or not. She'd endured years of suffering at the hands of others; Luna, The Lord of Nightmares, countless monsters and enemies of every type. Fate itself stood against her, forcing her down a road where almost everyone seemed to have a name for her, an insult or odd look. No matter how strong she might be, she was still human. It all started to boil inside her, pushing to the surface…and she didn't have the strength or the desire to stop it.

"Damn them all! What right do they have to look down on me, to judge me whenever they feel like? Have any of them become a mighty saint when I wasn't looking? Have they flown down from some perfect realm to save the people, willing to sacrifice all that they are for a cause they didn't choose?" Her voice sounded strained toward the end, warped by the waves of emotion hitting her for the first time in ages.

Years of bound grief and frustration came out in wracking sobs, tears finally breaking free, cascading down her face. "I'm not evil, I'm not a monster! I've saved them time and again, openly bearing their hatred for it. I've done so much, so early in life…and I'm condemned for it! They choose the memories they like, give me whatever image they want; damn them all…let them burn for what they've done, finally suffer for their blind ignorance!"

"So this is how you feel behind your mask." It was an observation.

She froze, instantly recognizing the voice. Slowly he approached her from behind and left, footsteps quiet as always.

Well, at least I know what direction camp is in.

He stopped a foot or so away, standing in silence, obviously waiting for her to speak, to offer some sort of explanation.

"Zelgadis." His name sounded dull coming from her. While she'd managed to stop the crying, she'd paid for it…suddenly she doubted she could put emotion into anything she said at the moment.

"So we're all evil then. Everyone is wrapped up in their own goals, their own idea of the world. They care for each other, but never for you. All of existence holds nothing but negative emotion for the renowned Lina Inverse." He gave a short laugh. "My, aren't we a bit egotistical…not to mention hypocritical."

His smug tone rekindled her dying anger. With a short hiss she stumbled to her feet. Furious, she turned, her hand itching to strike him. How dare he! What right did he have to follow her…to listen in on her private thoughts? What right did he have to assume how she felt, then to insult her on top of it?

Every right. Weren't you the one that just condemned them all to burn? The thought interrupted her. Lina winced, her anger draining away as swiftly as it arrived. Hate it as she might, the thought was dead right.

Zelgadis stood before her, leaning to one side. Arms crossed loosely, he regarded her with that intense gaze that he had. Briefly she met his sapphire stare with her usual crimson-eyed defiance, but it melted away under his continuing look. His lips were compressed into a thin line, and there was something in his entire stance, enough that she could almost hear the lashing words that surely waited on his tongue. He was upset, that much was obvious, despite whatever else her fancy might imagine.

Swallowing a resigned sigh, Lina gathered up her failing courage. If she was already condemned by her own words, by the look in his eyes, why not go down blazing?

"You're right, I admit it. I know I've done the same thing myself time and again. I've judged others, assumed things that I shouldn't. Hell, look at how our first meeting went. There, I've said what you wanted to hear…happy now?" She paused a moment, but he didn't move, didn't even blink. He knew how to draw the truth from her, how to stay silent until she snapped the full truth at him.

'Times like this…I really hate that gaze of his.' Came the bitter thought. It was one thing to see that gaze drop a bandit to his knees in fright, send some powerful noble into a cowering fit of silence. But to find it used on her…

'Damn that look; the one that makes my knees shake, twists my usually solid spine. Those eyes that turn my emotions upside down, bore through any story I might create in my defense. Curse the man that can open my soul so easily, pulling all my secrets from me, no matter how deeply hidden.'

She smirked at that, laughing a bit. She stumbled forward a few steps, then stopped when she noticed how much her actions had thrown him off. With a start he'd stepped back a few paces, his manner making it plain that he expected her to attack him somehow, be it through fists or a fireball.

'As if either would hurt him. So even Zel fears me now…right away I'm a monster set to attack. Haven't I always had a temper? When did it turn from playful aggression to being out for blood?'

Her anger started up again, and unbidden, tears started to gather at the corner of her vision. Fists clenched, she started to shake a bit. Enough was enough, she was going to stop this one way or another. Lina Inverse was a lot of things, but doormat wasn't one of them.

"That's it, I can't…won't take this anymore!" She pinned Zelgadis in place with a chilling stare. "Just say it Zel, just say it already!"

She almost laughed at the dumbfounded look on his face. The great Zelgadis; heartless, mystical swordsman…powerful, shamanistic chimera. A great mage that had traveled the world seeking forgotten magic, lost texts in countless ruins and forgotten libraries. Relative to the great Red Priest, a cursed man that had then dedicated himself to acquiring more knowledge and power, all while on a greater quest to find a cure. He'd even bested her a time or two, not that she hadn't made him pay for it. So calm and collected, sure of his own power. She'd shattered his image; knew more than he, accomplished more. Yet it wasn't slaying a dark lord that unnerved him now…only a laugh, a few steps. She's thrown him off, destroyed his arrogant pose. Instead of intimidating her, he only radiated confusion. She almost wanted to laugh again.

"What exactly are you wanting me to say, Lina?"

"Don't taunt me Zel, don't you dare!" She snapped, glaring. Curse him for drawing it out, for choosing this one moment to be as dense as Gourry.

"I'm not taunting you Lina, you should know me better than that."

"At one time, maybe….but not these days. Just say it Zel, tell me how much you hate me." A part of her was distantly surprised at the iron control in her voice. "I know what all of you really think, what you won't say out of fear of what I might do. I'm a burden, someone long past their usefulness…I'm ruining things for the rest of you, throwing your personal goals awry. So just say it already Zelgadis, say you hate me."

She expected him to laugh, to mock her with sharp comments like he'd done to so many others. She was certain that smug smile he used for such things would appear at any moment. He would say he hated her, that they all did, and she would leave them behind a heartbeat later…well, after a flung spell or three on her part that is.

Instead he straightened up, eyes widening in shock before narrowing coldly. Once again he crossed his arms, leaning slightly to one side, again all control and confidence. "No."

Without missing a beat she matched his cold stare with a glare of fire. "Don't play that calm, heartless role with me, Zelgadis! You're always one to speak your mind, if you say anything at all. So what's holding you back? Just say it already, or do you like prolonging this?"

"Why?"

The question hit her like cold water. Her mouth opened and closed a few times in silence, enough that she half expected him to crack a Noonsa joke. But he didn't, Zel really wasn't the type, and eventually she regained her voice. "Why? What do you mean, 'why'?"

He shrugged. "Just that. If I'm supposed to say something as final as that, I believe you should tell me why. I deserve that much."

Again she stood there in surprise. She'd been certain that he would simply have said it, then moved on. On the other hand, while Zel was known for being almost painfully direct at times, he was also very cautious, suspicious even. He never blindly walked into something unknown, not when he could stand back and observe the situation first. Leave it to him to choose that moment to look for a deeper meaning to her request. This was one meaning she couldn't give him…especially him.

"Because…" She trailed off, wanting to smack herself. Any excuse that started with because was bound to be flimsy, especially given the situation. 'Sure Lina, he'll just happily accept that. If that excuse didn't work on Luna when you were little, it sure as hell won't work on Zelgadis now.'

"Because isn't an answer Lina, I'm sure we both know that by now."

"Damn it Zel, why do you have to make this so hard!? Can't you just answer and then leave me the hell alone? No, as usual you have to be the intelligent one, to look beyond the situation, try to see past the question. Just once, can't you simply tell me what I want to hear!?"

Before she realized what she was doing, she'd lunged at him, fists pounding against his chest. The rational part of her mind realized how childish she looked, not to mention how worthless the attacking gesture was against him, stone or not. The rest of her didn't care; all that mattered now was the emotion driving her, venting it in aggression rather than more tears.

Eventually he grabbed her by the wrists, forcing her to stop. For a moment she considered kicking him as well, but in the end she just stood there, exhaustion filling her as adrenaline faded away. Her head dipped a bit, leaning against his shoulder…then the tears caught up with her again. She was beyond caring though…let him smirk or tease, it just didn't matter anymore, not at that moment. Dimly she noted the pain in her hands, but that too would have to wait.

She wasn't sure exactly when it happened, but sometime during her crying, her self-examination, he let her go. It happened suddenly; her wrists were released, then his arms were around her. She felt like a child crying in the arms of a parent, or like the times Luna had held her when she was hurt. Yet that had been her sister…it surprised her that Zel was behind such a close gesture, even if it was one entirely of comfort, lacking any awkward or romantic feel.

When her tears finally stopped, which wasn't long after, she looked up at him. "Why can't you do things the easy way?"

He smirked lightly. "Force of habit, I guess. After all, I had a good teacher."

"Will you say it?"

"…no."

"But the others…"

He cut her off. "Don't matter. They aren't us, aren't like us. We will be here long after they're gone, and that frightens them. Do you know what they see in our eyes, Lina? They see answers that haunt them in the night, plague their dreams. One day they will leave this life, go back to their cities, their safe little homes. For them this is a temporary adventure, something they can walk away from whenever they get tired of it. We're different though. We have always walked a hard road through life…and we always will, it is part of who we are. In us they see the future, a future they won't be part of. No one likes to know just how little they mean in this world…so they fear us, attack us with words and actions."

She couldn't help smiling at that. What surprised her was when he returned it with an open smile of his own. A small part of her treasured the gesture along with the words, tucking both away for future reflection. "Thank you, Zel."

He coughed lightly then, as if finally realizing what he'd done and how they were standing. An instant later he turned her loose, taking sever steps back. Lina couldn't keep from grinning at the resulting blush on his face.

Eventually he calmed down, and they got around to healing her damaged hands. By the time they had walked back to camp, Amelia was asleep. Lina silently thanked Her for small favors.

- - -

Later that evening, Zelgadis sat alone on watch. The others had turned in the for the night hours earlier, and even Lina was finally asleep, a soft smile on her face. Everything seemed fine for the moment, including the weather. For a single night they had food, fire, and peace.

Smiling softly to himself, Zel glanced once again at Lina. A small part of him had a good idea what the nights earlier events had been about. The rest of him was oblivious, focused on other things. He still had his own problems to deal with, and they quickly pushed aside any musings he might have made on the matter. The others didn't know it yet, but he was planning on leaving them soon. There were things to be done, things that didn't allow for interference or possible side-adventures.

You'll miss her. A small part of him noted. It almost sounded smug.

He didn't bother denying the thought. 'Yes…I will.'

Why didn't you tell her before? You finally had the perfect opportunity to give certain things a proper voice.

"Because…" He muttered to himself, careful to keep his voice low. "How do you tell someone that the reason you don't hate them…is because you love them, even more than life itself?"

Absentmindedly he brushed something out of his eye, then regarded his wet fingertips with surprise verging on outright shock. "Worse than that…how do you then leave them behind afterwards?"