Edward's Bachelor Party

This is the stupidest thing I've ever written in my life, but then again…it's fan fiction. I don't care if anyone reviews or not, I'm just doing this for my own messed up amusement.

Caution: Contains stupidity, drunken antics, marijuana usage, badly sung karaoke, lame magicians, and complete randomness and OOCness.

You have been warned.

Chapter One: The Plot and the Pot

Edward was excited.

Excited to get married to Bella, his one true love. Yes, he was a vampire, and she was a human.

But to him, she was perfect and he loved her for what she was.

Bella loved him just as much.

At first she was rather reluctant to get married, but she couldn't say no to Edward. He saved her life countless times, came back after leaving her like a fool, and Alice did force her into this.

Alice was more excited than he was. She was planning out Bella's make up, her hair, the dress, the lingerie, and packed her suitcase with tons of clothes Bella wouldn't want to wear.

But Edward knew Bella would wear them just for him.

For the honeymoon, he planned on taking her to Isle Esme for two weeks near Brazil.

And Bella had no clue.

Tomorrow she would be Mrs. Edward Cullen, and he would be the happiest vampire alive.

Just one obstacle separated them from their wedding day…

The bachelor party.

Edward was hoping they would go hunting, but little did he know that Emmett and Jasper had other ideas.

Very bad ideas.

Bella was afraid they would take Edward to a strip club, but that would be stupid.

Edward was 108, but he still looked seventeen.

It just wouldn't work.

Besides, he was going to get laid tomorrow night anyways…

"Hey Edward!"

Emmett and Jasper ran into the room to find Edward listening to his fifties music again.

"Oh. Hey. What's going on?"

"A huge party is what's going on!" Emmett said. "And you're coming with us."

"Wait…what?"

"Edward, today is your last day as a free man, so Jazzy and I thought we would celebrate it to the fullest."

"Where are we going hunting?" Edward asked.

Jasper laughed.

"Who said anything about hunting? Emmett and I are taking you for a night on the town."

"We're going to White Castle, dude!"

Edward stopped, and stared at his brother.

What the hell was White Castle?

"Um, Emmett…have you been watching Harold and Kumar again?" Jasper asked.

Emmett responded with a suspicious look on his face.

"Um…maybe?"

"What is White Castle?" Edward asked.

"It's some stupid fast food joint," Jasper answered.

"Emmett. We are vampires. We don't eat!"

"I know. I just wanted to go there because it smells so good in there…and there's some cute girl at the front counter that looks like Rosalie and--"

Jasper stared at him, his golden eyes creeping him out. He was a nice guy and all, but his past still freaked Emmett out.

Just thinking of all those newborns scared him.

"Emmett, we are not going to White Castle," Edward snarled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."

Edward walked out of his room, pushing his brothers aside.

So Emmett's idea didn't work.

'There's always plan B.'

Plan A was driving three hours to White Castle, hyped up on life.

Plan B was driving to Seattle, going to a few clubs, and hanging with a few of Jasper's "friends."

Of course, Emmett didn't have to tell Edward any of this.

He could read his mind like a book…a very interesting book.

'If only Edward couldn't read our minds…then we could get him to come with us.'

Emmett and Jasper stood outside pondering about how to trick Edward into coming with them for a night out.

"Jacob," Jasper said.

"Wolf boy? You know he and Edward don't get along."

"No, I meant we could use his pack to scare him into coming with us."

"They hate us. It'll never work."

"Not unless we give them something in return," Jasper said darkly. He had many connections with a lot of "people" and he could get just about anything he wanted.

Just their luck, Jacob came by to see Bella at their house, and Quil was with him.

"Leeches."

"Dog face."

The two werewolves and the two vampires stared at each other with such hate in each other's eyes. In an instant, they could kill each other, despite all the peace that Bella brought between the two groups.

Carlisle wouldn't like it if they started fighting again.

"Is Bella around?" Jacob asked.

"She just left," Emmett said. "Why?"

"Quil and I just wanted to wish her luck tomorrow, that's all."

Jacob and Quil began walking away, and Emmett and Jasper were growing desperate. They seriously needed their help…now.

"Jacob? How would you like to help us out?"

Jacob turned around and glared at the two vampires."How about no?"

"Please?" Emmett pleaded.

"No."

"I'll give you all the Doritos you could possibly want," Jasper said.

Doritos did sound tempting…but he had enough of those.

"I'm sick of those things. They're really salty and the buffalo ones aren't even that good."

A slick smile slowly filled Jasper's face.

"What if I told you there was a way to make them taste better?"

"How?" Jacob asked.

Jasper reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small bag filled with crumpled greens.

"Is that…pot?"

"No…it's oregano."

"Dude, it's pot."

"Gimme!" Quil said. "I've been dying to get my hands on that stuff for ages!"

Quil ran straight for the small bag of marijuana, excited to have a bong full of it.

Before he could even so much as grab the bag, Jasper vanished and reappeared in a high tree branch.

"Not so fast. You have to agree to our terms first."

"What exactly are those terms?" Jacob asked with interest.

Edward was walking around outside, clearing his mind. Out of nowhere, a huge werewolf came charging at him.

"Jacob, what are you doing?"

I'm going to kill you so Bella will marry me, that's what!

"You can't be serious."But Jacob was serious. He began to chase Edward through the woods, past the Cullen's house, and the only shelter was his shiny silver Volvo.

Edward jumped into the backseat, and hid at the bottom of the car.

Then the car started.

'Crap.'

When Edward was upright on the back seat of his Volvo, Jasper was driving and Emmett was sitting in the passenger seat, grinning ear to ear.

"Mind telling me what's going on?"

"Edward, buddy, pal. You are about to witness the best night of your life!"

"I can't believe it was that easy to get you in this car," Jasper said.

"I knew you were behind this! What did you do?" Edward shouted.

"Jasper totally gave the werewolves a bag of hash."

Edward was shocked.

"You gave them marijuana? Why would you do that?"

"It got you to come with us, didn't it?"

Edward growled, and laid down in the backseat, completely pissed off.

Jasper had "friends" in Seattle who like drugs, and he bought some of it off their hands.

Thankfully, no one in this car would ever smoke pot. (Maybe).

'My car would smell terrible. Then Bella's dad would never let me marry her.'

Charlie was good friends with the Quileute tribe at La Push, and there would be a good chance he would find out about this.

All he would have to do is open the door to Sam Uley's house, and probably find the entire pack sitting in a circle smoking from a peace pipe.

And unfortunately, that did happen while they were gone.

But Charlie, being the easy going man he was, decided to join his stoned Quileute friends. Heck, even Billy was high as a kite.

Yes, there was a time and place for everything, but tomorrow he would have to give his daughter away to…Edward.

'Might as well enjoy myself until then…' he thought.

While the werewolves and Chief Swan were all stoned off their rockers, the three vampire boys finally made it to the highway well out of Forks.

Jasper turned on the radio, and Emmett began fiddling with the dial, completely disgracing Edward's car by playing annoying music.

Rap music.

Oh, how he loathed it. Yes, the people behind the music were alright, but rapping about bitches and pimping was not his idea of music.

Edward was very old-fashioned when it came to music: jazz, 20's, 30's, Elvis Presley…the classics.

Not 50 Cent or Dr. Dre.

Hell no.

"Emmett, can you change the station? This music is hurting my ears."

"Don't be a stick in the mud Edward. Tonight we're going to have fun."

Soon that song about the butt came on, and Emmett and Jasper began singing along.

So fellas?

"Yeah!"

Fellas?

"Yeah!"Does your girlfriend got the butt?

"Hell yeah!"

So shake it

"Shake it!"

Shake it

"Shake it!"

Shake that healthy butt. Baby got back.

'If I survive this tonight I am going to tell Rosalie and Alice everything."

Well, Edward already knew everything anyways. He was reading their minds right now…but they weren't telling him how exactly everything they had in store for him.

"What's that on the side of the road?" Emmett asked.

"It looks like a hitch hiker."

"Jasper, no. Don't let them in."

"But Edward, it's a good deed."

And he looks tasty too.

"You are not having human blood, do you understand?"

"Yes, but can we at least help the guy out?"

"Fine. Let the crazy hitch hiker in my car."

Jasper pulled over on the side of the road, and thankfully the guy didn't look to crazy.

No…he looked like he could beat the living daylights out of someone.

He had dark brown spiked hair, eyeliner around his unnaturally green eyes, a studded leather jacket, a spiked collar around his neck, super tight pants with a pocket chain, and black boots.

He looked like a punked out version of one of the Jonas Brothers to be exact, but with shorter hair.

Emmett rolled down the window.

"Hey man, you okay?"

"Yeah. Hey, do you guys think you can help me out?"

"Sure. Get in."

The guy got in, and he appeared to be around 20 or 21. He got in the back seat and looked at Edward.

"Nice car," he said. "Volvos are pretty top of the line."

"You know cars?"

"Cars? No man, I have a motorcycle. But I crashed it by accident. Some idiot came at me head on and nearly knocked me off. I'm just glad I didn't get killed."

"So what's your name?" Jasper asked.

"Adrian."

"I'm Jasper. The guy next to me is my brother Emmett, and next to you is my other brother, Edward."

"Cool. So where are you guys going?"

"Seattle. Edward here is getting married tomorrow night."

"Aw dude, congrats! That is so awesome."

"Thank you," Edward said.

"So are you guys going to get wasted or something?"

"No, we don't drink."

"Yeah, you guys do look a little young to be doing that stuff anyways. How are you? Like sixteen? Seventeen?"

"They're both eighteen," Edward said. "But I'm seventeen."

"Wow, I feel old. I'm 22."

Edward's guess was close enough.

Emmett turned the radio back up, now booming on a Snoop Dogg song.

"Hey, do you guys like metal?"

"Not really," Edward said.

"I can't decide," Emmett said. "Rap…or metal…wait. I know!"

"Rap metal!" Everyone except Edward shouted.

Soon they were singing along to some stupid Zebrahead song, head banging, rapping, etc, etc.

Edward sighed and looked out the window, only to see that they were no longer in Washington.

"Where are we? Are we still going to Seattle?"

Jasper and Emmett began to laugh.

"We're going to Vegas baby!" Emmett shouted. Jasper hit the window button and rolled down all the windows. They were now driving through the desert, and three out of the four guys in the car were cheering like a bunch of idiots.

Soon Jasper pulled into a parking space along the Vegas strip that was oversaturated with many colorful lights that could give an epileptic a mega-seizure.

There were casinos, hotels, shows, malls, and it overwhelmed Edward. He didn't want to be here with these three idiots.

'I'm just glad all these lights don't make us sparkle…'

Edward was instantly dragged into a large arena where a group of showgirls were dancing on stage.

"Emmett, why are we here?"

"Because…"

Edward sighed and tried to get through Emmett's thick skull…but he couldn't find anything. He knew that his two brothers had banished all their thoughts from their minds so he couldn't read them.

All Edward could read was that Emmett wanted to "destroy a house" with Rosalie.

'I didn't need to hear that.'

Meanwhile, Jasper was thinking of how Alice would look in one of the showgirl costumes.

'I didn't need to know that either.'

Adrian was simply watching the three young vampires with amusement as Emmett and Jasper pushed Edward up on stage when the magician asked for a volunteer.

He placed Edward into a box and proceeded to saw him in half.

'It's just an illusion,' Edward thought. 'My legs are squished up in this box, and those aren't my legs.'

"Presto chango!" Edward fell through the stage in a puff of smoke, and he was brought back to the audience.

"I have made him disappear by sending him back to the audience!"

"Lame," Jasper said. "Let's say we get out of here."

"Yeah, but where can we go? None of us are old enough to gamble," Emmett said.

"There's a college nearby that throws the wildest parties over in Reno. You guys want to go?" Adrian asked him.

"Hell yes! To Reno!"

"Reno!"

Edward sighed and reluctantly followed the rest of the group out to the shiny silver Volvo.

After an hour and a half of listening to the three idiots sing along badly to more bad music, they arrived at Nevada University only to see tons of college student dressed in togas running to a large frat house.

"Nice party," Jasper said. "Not bad for it only being 8:30 at night."

"Crap, we don't have togas," Emmett said.

"I'll get us some," Adrian said. He ran off and came back a minute later with four large sheets.

"Um…where did you get those?" Edward asked in a worried tone.

"Let's not go there," Adrian said smiling. "Let's just get our togas on."

Edward stood in front of the Phi Kappa Beta house, and he was clearly not happy.

For one thing, he was wearing a pink toga.

And…there were daisies in his hair.

Edward growled under his breath and ripped the daisy chain off his head, thankful that it didn't mess up his perfect bronze hair.

"Hey! Are you coming or not?" Jasper shouted from the porch. Edward sighed and followed him into the house.

When they got inside, the college students were just starting to get really wasted, with the possibility of a few people still sober.

Loud rock music was blasting throughout the room, and Edward suddenly heard many thoughts:

'Sex.'

'Beer.'

'Sex.'

'Beer.'

'Shoes?'

At that moment, a tall blonde girl with red lipstick and glasses walked by, muttering something about shoes.

Edward weaved through the thick crowd, getting a lot of glances and winks from girls, and a ton of glares from all the guys.

'It doesn't matter. With this pink toga, they probably think I'm gay or something.'

"Hey there handsome." Edward stopped before a very tall and very large girl with blonde hair in a large light green toga.

"Excuse me," Edward said trying to pass her.

"Nuh uh, you're not going anywhere cutie." She grabbed him by the arm and brought him up against her to dance.

She may have been enjoying herself (the poor drunken fool) but Edward's idea of fun didn't involve having his body pressed against a fat girl, nor did it involve his face being stuck between her enormous boobs.

Jasper and Emmett found the crazy frat boys in the middle of the room, chugging beer through a beer bong.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Some poor nerdy kid had a Viking helmet on, and nearly passed out from all the malted liquor he just drank.

"Yeah! Alright. You my friend, are in!" The frat boys cheered, and Jasper and Emmett stood there laughing at all the dumb humans who were trying to get into the fraternity.

Somewhere between all the idiocy and chaos, Adrian found himself trapped in a dorm room with a bunch of horny girls, and never came out.

Edward was just glad that he was gone. He only made Jasper and Emmett act extremely stupid. (Not that they weren't being stupid already).

The really large girl was still crushing him against her.

"Um…I don't…want to…dance…."

"What's wrong? Don't know how?"

"No…I'm…engaged…"

"What?" She stepped back from him, and looked down upon the handsome teenage vampire.

"Yes. I'm getting married tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting out of here."
The fat girl began to bawl her eyes out and ran off to drink some jungle juice somewhere.

Upon hearing that Edward was getting married tomorrow, one of the frat boys overheard this, and told all his buddies.

"Hey dudes, you see that gay guy in the pink toga?"

"Yeah bro, totally."

"That guy is getting married."

"Married? Is that even legal?"

"How about we give him a shout out then?"

"Let's do it!"

'Oh crap,' Edward thought. They were going to put him in the spotlight and make everyone think he was marrying another man tomorrow.

'That's just wrong in so many ways. I'm not even gay!'

"Hey Edward, are you having fun yet?" Emmett asked him.

"No. The fraternity boys are going to put me in the spotlight because I'm getting married tomorrow."

"Awesome! Jazzy and I will help them then!" He ran off like the monkey man he was and found Jasper and the frat boys.

"Do you dudes know that guy?"

"Yeah. He's our brother," Jasper said.

"His name is Edward," Emmett added.

"Righteous!" said a random voice.

One of the frat boys grabbed a microphone.

"Can I have everyone's attention please?"

The crowd of drunk college students slowly began to quiet down.

"There's a rumor that someone in this room is getting married tomorrow. Will Edward Cullen please come to the front."

Everyone began chattering and Emmett ran through the crowd and brought Edward to the front of the room near the microphone.

"Edward, since this is the last night before you get married, we thought we would sing you a song," Emmett said.

He and Jasper grabbed the microphone and started singing "Like a Virgin."

Everyone in the room began laughing, because poor, poor Edward was 108 and had never gotten laid.

While those two were singing (badly) someone poured the contents of a bong into the fireplace, and the whole room began to smell the pot that was burning in the fireplace.

And that fireplace was not far from where Edward was standing, trying to tune his brothers out.

Having vampire senses makes everything much stronger, so when Edward took a breath, he suddenly became higher than a kite.

"Gimme the mic," he said to Jasper. Jasper gladly handed him the microphone and Edward began singing at the top of his lungs to the room, all of them being high. Even Emmett and Jasper were acting different, and soon all three of them were singing without so much as a clue to what they were singing.

For the next three hours, the three of them joined in all the fun, and left around midnight still very high.

"That was sweet!" Edward shouted. "Damn, I can't wait to get laid tomorrow night!"

"I'm driving," Emmett said lazily.

"No, I'm driving. You're high."

"It's my car, let me drive," Edward said.

"No," Jasper said. "I'm supposed to be the driver…" He took the keys out of his toga and managed to get the key in the right hole. Poor Emmett was standing there rubbing his eye after being attacked by a car key.

"Let's kick it and blow this joint." The three vampires got into the car, but the drive wasn't a normal one back to Forks. No…they were high and saw a lot of things that they should've have been seeing.

The sky was a funky rainbow color, happy little forest animals were running around led by the president (who was riding a very fat unicorn), and a group of knights were prancing around in pink dresses.

Yes, the ride home was extremely crazy. So crazy that Edward almost jumped out the window when he thought he saw Bella running with the president and the forest animals wearing a wedding dress.

Around 3 in the morning, the three vampires arrived at home, finally starting to come down from their high.

They all got out of the car, and started at each other. Jasper's hair was standing on end, and he had a large chain around his neck.

Edward was in his boxers with his pink toga wrapped around his head.

And Emmett?

"Why am I wearing a dress?" he asked.

"I want to know what happened at that party," Edward said.

"I can't seem to remember," Jasper said. "But I remember Adrian running off…"

"We lost him, didn't we?" Emmett asked.

"Think so."

Edward took the pink toga off his head and recalled seeing Adrian being dragged into a dorm room by a bunch of girls against his will.

"Don't know…don't care," he said. "Now, let's get back to the house before everyone figures out what happened."

The three vampires made it into the house after getting dressed into their normal clothes. Hopefully Carlisle and Esme would question where they were all night and why they never picked up the phone.

"Promise never to tell anyone about this?" Edward asked his brothers.

"Promise," both of them said.

"Man, that was so much fun. I'm going to find Rosalie. Maybe she'll be interested in helping me destroy a house…"

"I don't want to know…" Jasper said.

At that moment, Alice came twirling into the room, her face all smiles as usual.

"Hi Jazzy, Edward. Where have you been all night?"

"Hunting," Jasper said. "We went up to Canada and chased mountain lions and grizzly bears all night."

"So you didn't have the bachelor party?"

"That was our party," Edward said. "And we had a great time."

"Oh. Okay then!" Jasper followed Alice out of Edward's room and Edward was relieved that Alice bought their story.

The wedding went smoothly the next day, except for the fact that Charlie looked extremely tired as he walked his daughter down the aisle.

Edward read his mind to find out that he and Billy spent the night smoking with the werewolf pack.

He chuckled to himself and smiled as his bride came down aisle to him.

After the vows, the rings, and the kissing of the bride, they had the reception, which went on all afternoon and all evening.

And finally, it was time for the honeymoon.

On the boat ride to Isle Esme, Bella and Edward sat on deck, watching the moonlight sparkle on the ocean.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Did you really go hunting last night?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because Jacob told me that Jasper and Emmett took you out against your will and gave him pot."

"Where did you hear that?"

"All of you smelled like it."

Crap. How would he get out of this one? Now he wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting some tonight.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. It wasn't my choice to come and I--"

Bella silenced him.

"That's okay. The girls and I had our own party."

"Was it anything like ours?"

"No, but we had a fireman come visit us."

Edward tried to push that image of a man in a speedo from his mind.

"Well then, let's just enjoy our honeymoon."

And we all know what happened after that, but somewhere out in Nevada, Adrian is still chained to a wall in someone's basement…

Well, that's it. If you wondering where I came up with this, it's from watching "Harold And Kumar Go to White Castle", "How High", and "Accepted" way too many times.

And...I was bored. Okay?

Like I said before, I don't care if you review or not. This was just for pure amusement.