Because the clichés all need to die. And, apparently, I'm going to have to bring them down.
Goddammit, how did I know this was going to happen.
© Naoko Takeuchi
All opinions are expressed by me and do not necessarily represent the ideas of Ms. Takeuchi.
Hello there. You may be able to guess who I am.
My name is Mamoru Chiba. Yes, I'm the token male character in a predominately female shoujo manga/anime. It's both a blessing and a curse. I'll let you figure out those reasons.
I am here for a reason. I have been reading up on culture, and apparently, tweens and teens all around the world frolic to their computers to write fan-fiction regarding myself, Usako, the Guardian Senshi, the Outer Senshi, various people who we've fought (Prince Diamond, Beryl, etc) and Seiya.
I am here to break down a few rules. You can write about us. We don't care; in fact, we find it quite flattering. Usako finds it particularly enjoyable that people find her so interesting. Some stories portray us quite adequately, others not so much. We don't mind those, as long as a suitable warning is put in place to warn you—the reader—about such event. Plus, if humor/satire, then Out-of-Character is perfectly fine to make the story work. (Although, preferably we'd be put in character, but I digress.)
However, a new trend is appearing. Horrible. Rubbish. Called. Stories.
Angst-ridden, horrible Miley Cyrus songs (yes, I am aware of her existence) and out-of-character (which will be abbreviated OOC for obvious purposes) moments that are just plain cruel.
I'm going to lay down a few ground rules, if you don't mind.
Ground rule number one: For the love of all that is holy, abuse!fictions are not allowed.
Do you think I'm some kind of horrible monster?! I would never even think about doing that to Usako! I'd be the worst person I knew if I even put a finger on her that slightly hurt her. She's my angel, for the love of God. Even if I'm drunk (which, let me state this VERY. CLEARLY. I only drink coffee, and (on occasion) grape smoothies, and V8 so Usako won't slap me in the friggin' head saying 'YOU SHOULD'VE HAD A V8') and even if I made any sort of move on Usako, she has enough common sense to scream, dammit, and run.
Honestly, if you want to make drunk-abuse fics, go ahead. Just make sure that none of us are in it.
Ahem.
Ground rule number two: GET. YOUR. PAIRINGS. STRAIGHT.
Let me make this abundantly clear; the only females in love that we know of are Michiru-san and Haruka-san. If you haven't noticed, let me make this abundantly clear; Usako is currently only in love with me at the moment. She is not going to 'magically' fall in love with any of her Senshi. Yes, you can dream. You can dream. Helios encourages it. He only used the word 'dream' and variations of about 80,000 times in the fourth story arc.
Also, Chibiusa will also not be falling in love with any of the Guardian or Outer Senshi anytime soon. If anything else, I'm pretty sure that our O humble overlord made it pretty clear she'd be with Helios. If you can't see that, then get your glasses replaced. If you don't wear glasses, poke out your eyes and get some new eyes. Maybe from a homeless person?
Moving onward...
Ground rule number three: Make your song-fictions RELEVANT and GOOD.
I can't count how many horrible things I've read with random lyrics from random songs that I've never even heard of. The lyrics are randomly inserted into lines of poorly-written stories whose only sanction is the random lyrics inserted in-between said poorly-written story.
I've read some damn fine stories that are ruined by the incessant lyrics that are inserted into the most random places.
I can't exactly evaluate on this point for long, because there are many more topics we must discuss.
Ground rule number four: Rain fiction.
Oh God...
You know, this idea was good when it was just a wee lad, floating up in the air, waiting for somebody to write it. But now, it's been vindicated and used so many times it just gets sad.
I shall grace you with an example.
Ahem.
'Traditional rain story' by KawaiiNekoChanAngelMoonCullen
Summary: Mamoru finds Usgai in the rain. What will happen? Plz read, I'm not very good at summaries.
Oh, and that's just the summary. It gets better from there.
'RAIN COMES OUT OF NOWHERE. Apparently, the only weather in Japan is rain.
Usagi runs down the street. She ran down the street, whimpering.
"I'M FALLING!" Because we all know she's such a ditz. She hasn't gotten any better, noooo.
"-Whimper-I hate thunderstorms. They're icky."
"I grace you with my presence!"
"Oh-Em-Gee, it's Mamoru-baka!"
"Hello Odango. Are we having a fun time eating cement?"
"STFU Mamoru-baka. I dislike thunderstorms. They're icky."
"Here, let's go take cover in my apartment and make-out."
"'Kay."
AND THAT. IS BASICALLY. IT.
Alright, I should have left the sarcasm out of it, but come on. I find it horribly sad how that's the basic rundown of every rain story. Plus, that story was without any horrible grammar/spelling mistakes. (Minus the STFU.) Then there are 'trapped' stories, but I won't delve into those.
...Why would I be in the closet anyway? Is that a euphemism for something?
Oh, and just for the record, saying 'Please read' (or 'Plz read') and 'I suck at summaries' is not going to bring any more people to read your story. If you publish a book and on the back of the book where the summary is (if on paperback) or the little flap when you open it up (if hardcover) and after writing out the summary of the story you put 'plz read' or 'I suck at summaries', you're probably going to have a lot of people put the book down.
Well. Now that THAT'S out of the way...
Ground rule number five: Pairings. Again.
I went out with Rei for a week. Tops. We don't plan on getting back together any. Time. Soon.
Okay?!
I love U.S.A.K.O. There. I spelled it out for you. Understand?
Not Rei. She's a sweet girl, but I'm afraid I'm not going to get back together with her. Ever.
Short, sweet, to the point.
Ground rule number something: Break-up stories/poems.
This is quite more of a cliché than those stupid rain stories. I mean, come on. You've seen us break up. I was tackled, said I didn't feel the same way, Usako ran off to go cry in a phone booth, I felt like crap for the next couple of months, and then there was curry thrown into there, and then we got back together.
That's. it.
No, she did not go home and write about her 'tragic angst', nor did I. And we also didn't break up in some cliché-ridden way where the sky was gloomy, raining, and Usako had some 'premonition'.
No. No. No.
Sorry, but none of that happened. And afterwards, Usako didn't go and try to kill herself, and I didn't write emo poems. Sad to say, creative writing wasn't my best subject.
Anyway. Usako didn't try to commit suicide. Because, if she did, I would have to resurrect her, kill her, and revive her again. Not really. God, if she actually tried to kill herself, I never would've broken up with her in the first place. I mean, really. If you're having dreams about your girlfriend dying, would you honestly let her kill herself? No. No, you wouldn't.
Besides, she wouldn't have just plopped the knife into her chest. No, suicide takes loads of thinking time, and Luna probably would've contacted me if she saw Usako holding a knife to her chest.
And she didn't write any emo poems! Let me stress that.
Anyway.
Ground rule numb-.
"Mamo-chan, where're the apples at?!" Usagi yelled from the kitchen. Mamoru sighed.
"In the basket under the microwave, Usako." He ran a hand through his hair.
"Oh...Oh! Here they are! Thanks Mamo-chan." She walked in to where he was, and pecked him on the cheek.
"What're you doing? You've been in here for an awfully long time."
"I'm ranting."
"What?"
"Ranting. You know, going on and on and on about things you don't like, making you seem like kind of a tool. But it's good stress relief, and God-only-knows I need it because of the stupid 20-page paper due." Usagi wrapped her tiny arms around him.
"Ah...it's alright Mamo-chan. I know you're busy-." A devilish grin spread across her face, "Hey Mamo-chan, I have a good way to reduce your stress." She whispered into his ear, and his eyes bulged and a blush formed on his cheeks.
"...and then we'd call it a night!" Usagi said, hopping up.
"Y-yeah...Usako...um...yeah, we can try that later...I'm sorry to push you away, but I really need to get this done."
"Oh, no need to apologize. I understand. Just take me up on that offer tonight, m'kay?" Mamoru sighed and shook his head, scared and in complete bliss all at one time.
"...yes...will do."
Where was I? Oh yes.
Ground rule number seven: Seiya.
Oh Seiya. Seiya, Seiya, Seiya.
Many people assume I don't like him—which is untrue. He kept Usagi company along with her Senshi, and helped her get through my, ah...'disappearance' when I went to (or tried to) go to America. He helped her get on with her life without me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
However, one thing that just doesn't sit the right way with me is the fact that so many people are pairing her up with Seiya even though he even recognized her lack of feelings for him. She had no feelings for him besides friendship.
Have I made myself clear?
I will, however, give an exception: during when we had our ah, 'daily spats', it makes sense, due to the fact that we both had a mutual feeling of disdain for the other. Making Seiya time-travel, however, is something that one such author must work out to make it make sense.
Just inserting him into random scenes, making Usako go 'oh-em-gee I wuv you Seiya, Mamoru is such a tool' is not a story. It's just...well...crap.
Ground rule number something-
"Mamo-chan, I can't find the Fudgesicles! Did we run out?"
"No dear, they're behind the Vanilla ice-cream."
"Oh...oh! Okay. Thank you Mamo-chan."
Ahem.
Ground rule number I lost track: Stop killing us!
Okay, I'll admit that we die a lot. But we get revived rather quickly. Like, for one. Serena died when trying to save the planet (again) from a meteor. She died from the energy it took for her to save the planet. Okay, yes. I'll admit I was quite shaken after that. But then Fiore helped out, giving me his life energy and she survived because, for some reason, I had to kiss her to bring her back to life instead of just putting it on her lips. But I'm not complaining.
But kissing a dead person is weird. Really weird. Let me state that for the record.
Okay, then she used up her power trying to eliminate Beryl. She then wished to be a normal girl, and...for some odd, unexplained reason, we all came back to life.
Hooray! We're not dead anymore.
And, for the last time I can remember, when our star seeds were stolen, we all died. Serena managed to last the longest of all of us, but eventually, her fate was the same. But, ChibiChibi brought her back to life.
Back. TO. LIFE. And she wasn't a zombie, either. Or a vampire.
You see, O mighty overlord isn't going to kill us without somehow bringing us back to life. Then she'd just tick off people who like us. So if you choose to kill us (which will, by the way, tick us off immensely) at least have the common knowledge to bring us back to life.
Final ground rule: Follow. CANON.
If you follow it, you'll look like less of a tool. Hell, look at this one author........uhm.........what's-her-face...I read one of her stories on ...oh yeah! IceCrome, that was her name, she didn't follow canon that well and look at her. She's a tool.
If you don't follow canon, and you make your OWN story with OUR characters, that's kind of okay. At least make us in-character, and make the pairings...tolerable and plausible.
I'd like to stay and chat, but honestly, I'm losing brain cells talking about you annoying fans. Good writers keep us in-character, follow canon (unless using your own story plot, which is fine), and make all of the pairings tolerable and plausible.
"Alright," Mamoru cracked his knuckles, and rotated his wrists to get the feeling back in them. Usagi came in, and bit on her fudgesicle.
"You done? Because Chibiusa's home and she wants to go to the park. It's a really nice day out—we should go. Come on, Mamo-chan, step outside! Get some fresh air!" He chuckled, and closed the top of his laptop.
"Alright Usako. You're right—I do need to get out. Alright, let's go." He grabbed her free hand, and his laptop, with his lone rant, sat on the desk to be unread forever.
At least, that's what he thought.
I need to get out more. God, my skin is paler than a cloud. I'm whiter than the state of Utah!
Not sure if that's something to be proud of.