Disclaimer: The character of Randy Orton and other wrestlers mentioned in this fic don't belong to me—credit goes to Vince McMahon. The real Randy Orton doesn't belong to me (darn!)—he owns himself. The idea for an owner's guide and maintenance manual, lastly, doesn't belong to me either—the wonderful Theresa Green came up with the original concept for Lord of the Rings, and she has kindly given me her permission to start an owner's guide series for the Wrestling category here at FFN. Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, on with the story!
Outside Conference Room C at the Congressional Hotel hung a laminated sign that read in gold calligraphy, "FFN Wrestling Division Shareholders Meeting." Inside Conference Room C at the Congressional Hotel was a sea of expensive leather paneling, tastefully Spartan furnishings, and a disturbingly large group of disgruntled-looking investors. Disgruntled-looking, for the FFN conglomerate's Wrestling Division's stock was plummeting down the New York Stock Exchange at an alarming rate. In fact, the word 'plummet' was a euphemism: the stock was pretty much going down the gutter.
Not that this spiraling into oblivion came as a shock to anybody. Lately, the FFN Wrestling Division's products had pretty much been going down the gutter as well—Mary Sues, Self-Insertions, Out of Character Drivel…The public response had been…less than favorable, and this in turn was reflected upon the Division's dismal NYSE performance.
Which was how the major shareholders of the company came to assemble at Conference Room C of the Congressional Hotel. After sitting through a rather uninspiring presentation titled, "We Like Big Bucks and We Cannot Lie," these tight-lipped, no-nonsense business-men-and-women were finally let in on the big corporate secret that the Wrestling Division was planning to unleash upon the unsuspecting public.
While an irritatingly hyperactive intern—wearing enough bright pink to pass off for a bottle of Pepto Bismol—giggled and chirped her way through a poorly-rehearsed speech about how this new product was going to rake in millions, gofers scurried from chair to chair, handing each shareholder a pamphlet detailing this particular company innovation. A pamphlet that looked, bizarrely enough, like one of those owner's guides/maintenance manuals that one might get with a brand-new Lexus or espresso machine. Curious, but not overwhelmingly thrilled, the shareholders unanimously opened up their owner's guides and began to read…
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a RANDY ORTON unit. Our company commends you on your wise choice of purchase. However, before you hurry off to jump your RANDY's bones, we very much suggest that you first read through this owner's guide and maintenance manual. Following the instructions you are about to encounter will naturally be preferable. Happy RANDY-ogling-and/or-humping!
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Full Name: Randy Keith Orton
Nicknames: The Legend Killer, the Ladies Killer, RKO, Squee! It's Randykins!
Manufacturer: World Wrestling Entertainment Inc., Young Hunks Division
Date of Manufacture: April 1st, 1980
Place of Manufacture: St. Louis, Missouri
Height: 6 foot 5
Weight: 245 pounds
Age: 24 going on 25, innocent as a rose. Fellas and dandies, drinkers of brandy, what does he know of them?…Whoops, sorry, wrong category!
Length: Flat, heavy, and very, very shiny. Unfortunately, the RANDY unit lost it a while ago.
(Note: The 'length' here refers to the World Heavyweight Championship belt, not to be confused with other, non-shiny 'lengths' that the RANDY unit might be lugging around with him)
COSTUMES AND ACCESSORIES
Much like a Barbie fashion doll, the RANDY unit is available in different outfits to accommodate his various different jobs and moods. Currently, there are three models the public may purchase: Wrestler RANDY (one of our most popular models), Preppy RANDY, and Wrestler (winkwinkcoughcough) RANDY.
Wrestler RANDY is the most common model, and comes equipped with the following:
1. One black T-shirt, which he will ceremoniously rip off upon arrival
2. One pair of itty bitty RKO wrestling trunks, available in red, classic black, or the ever-popular shiny lavender Spandex
3. One set of elbow and knee pads
4. One pair of wrestling boots
5. One bottle of coconut-scented oil, for that glistening, just-came-out-of-a-bodybuilding-contest look
Preppy RANDY is an alternative model for those owners who prefer their Legend Killers well-dressed and rich-looking. This variation of the RANDY unit comes equipped with the following:
1. One unnecessarily expensive suit
2. One light blue dress shirt
3. One silk tie
4. One bottle of coconut-scented oil, for that glistening, just-came-out-of-a-bodybuilding-contest look
Wrestler (winkwincoughcough) RANDY is the third and final model of the RANDY unit. However, due to its…ahem, unique programming and accessories, this particular unit is available only on Special Order. Potential owners must be over the age of eighteen, and must not currently be in a committed relationship (hell, the company recommends that all owners of all models of the RANDY unit be unattached). If you meet the above two requirements, feel free to dig up your credit card and drop us a discreet call at 1-800-555-BTOY.
OPERATIONAL FUNCTIONS
It might not be obvious at first glance, but the RANDY unit is fully capable of doing more than just stand around looking pretty. He can also stand around looking studly, stand around looking hot and bothered, and stand around looking smug. However, just in case the aforementioned aren't quite enough for some of our more demanding buyers, the RANDY unit has been programmed to carry out the following tasks as well:
Wedding Date
Debra Messing did it…and now, so can you! Only difference is, you won't have to pay a guy to pose as your adoring boyfriend. For a shiny new preening mirror, the RANDY unit will gladly pretend to be your wedding date for free! He also does evening parties, high school reunions, and bar mitzvahs.
Gym BuddyFinally, there's a reason to stop making excuses and finally hit the gym! Watch your RANDY's biceps flex and curl while he lifts weights. Ogle in awe at the majesty of his abs of steel as he's doing crunches. Try to contain that pesky drool when he finally hits the showers. Oh, yeah, and you might have to work out at some point as well!
Birthday Bash EntertainmentToo old for clowns? Too young for a trip to Las Vegas to hear Tom Jones in concert? Never fear, RANDY's here! What better guest of honor at your next party than your very own RANDY-in-a-cake?
Abercrombie SantaAfter all, why let your RANDY mooch off of you when he's perfectly capable of earning his own money?
Love DoctorHave a guy friend who hasn't had much luck with the ladies lately? If you're in a charitable mood, you can always loan him your RANDY unit for a few days. Chances are, RANDY will have either had trained your friend in the Art of Ladies Killing…or run off with every single girl that your poor friend had his eye on.
CLEANING
The RANDY unit tends to be particularly vain of his looks, and may fuss at you if you don't keep him in pristine condition. Therefore, we strongly recommend that you follow this cleaning and grooming procedure on a daily basis:
1. Run a hot shower, and invite your RANDY unit inside. You may have to show him that the water's not too hot, not too cold, but just right, by first stepping in yourself.
2. Scrub your RANDY from head to toe, using warm water and faintly scented soap.
3. Pour a generous amount of Herbal Essences Shampoo (it's an organic experience!) into your RANDY's hair.
4. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
5. Apply conditioner.
6. Repeat step 4.
7. Gently dry your RANDY unit with a large, extra-fluffy towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang to dry in your backyard, unless you want the neighbors to gossip.
8. After your RANDY unit is sufficiently dry, rub him down with a generous application of coconut-scented oil to get that glistening, just-came-out-of-a-bodybuilding-contest look.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: How much can my RANDY bench-press?
A: Why, feel free to ask your RANDY yourself; he'll be more than happy to brag to you of his manly strength.
Q: No, no, I'm not really interested in his workout abilities! What I really want to find out is, will he be able of bench-pressing ME?
A: Oh, um…ahem…interesting question…owners have asked that before…you see…turns red and runs off
Q: After getting a glimpse of my RANDY unit, my mother, younger sister, best friend, and eccentric old great-aunt are now all demanding that I buy them their very own RANDYs for their birthdays! What should I do?
A: Unless you're rich enough to afford all those RANDYs, it looks like you'll just have to get used to having no friends or family for a while.
Q: Is it safe to take my RANDY to see Black Hawk Down at my friend's house?
A: Better not, any war movie (except for perhaps Pearl Harbor, if that even counts as a war movie!) might drag up bad memories of your RANDY's own time in the military. Besides, he might get jealous if he sees you drooling over Josh Hartnett or Ewan McGregor, and we wouldn't want a jealous RANDY, now would we?
Q: Why does my RANDY glow in the dark?
A: Honey, don't you think all that coconut-scented oil to get that glistening, just-came-out-of-a-bodybuilding-contest look would have its natural consequences?
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: During a family reunion, your RANDY unit suddenly started attacking your grandfather and your zany, portly, scruffy-haired uncle!
Solution: Due to his aspirations at Legend Killing, the RANDY unit seems to have developed a programming glitch, causing him to harbor a natural dislike for older people. Occasionally, this dislike may be acted upon, resulting in the RANDY's attacking and even spitting on said older people. This problem can be easily rectified by switching your RANDY to Babyface Mode. However, he'll also become somewhat less fun and interesting as a consequence, so before you press that button, you have to ask yourself what's more important to you: your RANDY's level of coolness, or your zany, portly, scruffy-haired uncle.
Problem: Your RANDY unit seems to think that with his good looks and chiseled bod, he'll be a shoo-in for the next big role available on The O.C. However, you've seen a video of his acting debut, where he played Confederate Soldier No. 3397 in his high school's staging of Gone With the Wind…and his thespian skills were less than stellar. Now you're faced with the delicate situation of stomping all over your RANDY's teen soap aspirations without damaging his fragile ego.
Solution: Hmm, that is a toughie. Have you tried showing him the latest Abercrombie catalogue? Once he gets a look at his competition in the chiseled bods department, it might help steer his attention away from acting, and make him work harder at becoming the best Abercrombie Santa, like he's supposed to be doing, anyway!
Problem: When you took your RANDY to the zoo, he promptly vaulted into a cage and tried to RKO the deadly opponent that is…the squirrel monkey! What the hell?
Solution: It seems as if an overexposure to cage matches and elimination chambers has confused your RANDY into misinterpreting all metal, enclosure-like environments as invitations to wrestling showdowns. The only plausible solution our company can offer is to keep your RANDY unit away from all cages and cage-like objects. Be prepared to give away your cage-toting pet parrot or hamster if you have to.
Problem: The day your RANDY arrived, an entire horde of screaming fangirls showed up at your doorstep, waving signs, showing off posters and pictures (some of your RANDY unit in the showers, gaspgaspblushblush!), and generally shrieking their little lungs out. A bunch of the really crazy ones are even claiming to be his girlfriend, soul mate, best friend and soon-to-be girlfriend, mysterious new Raw divas that he's destined to fall head over heels for, or—your absolute favorite—the rebellious, feisty little sisters of JOHN CENA units.
Solution: Ah, yes, the fangirls have become a common problem lately. Our company can't provide a specific solution, since they strike fast, and they don't seem to be fixated on a particular target for too long—a couple of years ago, it was the JEFF HARDY unit, and currently it seems as if the Idol of the Moment is the RANDY ORTON unit. Our suggestion is to get rid of the mob, fast. The best way is to divert their attention onto another unfortunate wrestling hottie. Rent a JOHN CENA unit and strip him down to his boxers if you have to; the fangirls will more likely than not stampede toward this new target.
FINAL NOTE
With the proper care and attention, your RANDY ORTON unit will lead a happy, fulfilling life. Just make sure to always have handy a supply of coconut-scented oil for that glistening, just-came-out-of-a-bodybuilding-contest look, and your RANDY will be content to stay under your roof for the years to come...
The flabbergasted shareholders finished reading. Very slowly, they closed their owner's guides shut and turned to each other to exchange looks of stunned disbelief. Meanwhile, up on the podium, the pink-decked intern was dimpling brightly, her eyes shining in anticipation.
"Well? What do you think?" she squealed eagerly. "Are we going to rake in millions with this new product, or what!"