If you were Gone
Okay so this is my first story on this website, I know it's not perfect but I really tried. Sorry if I wrote the characters a little off, I really really tried not to but I feel like I did a little. I'm still trying to get a feel for all this. It'll get better, I promise. Please review and let me know what you guys think so I can change it for me next story! Thank you and enjoy my story!
Tim Drake, or Red Robin as he was known while on patrol, was roof hopping across Gotham City at around 11:45pm. He'd only been on patrol for a couple of hours but he was already getting pretty bored. It'd been a rather slow night. So far he'd only stopped 2 bank robberies and a mugging, and it looked like not much else was going to happen that night. So he pretty much just decided to head back to wherever he parked his bike and drive back to the cave, which was currently where he was going.
Let the rest of the bats deal with Gotham's goons tonight. I just want to go home, he thought to himself as he was roofhopping. Tim was feeling pretty emotional right now due to certain recent events, and him going on a full patrol tonight just wasn't going to happen.
Tim really just needed a minute to gather his thoughts, so he decided to stop on a random roof. Coincidentally, it was the Wayne Enterprises building.
Tim started thinking; It hadn't been long since he'd started patrol again after the loss of his best friend Conner, and his girlfriend Stephanie. His life was feeling pretty empty since they died. He thought he'd gone through the worst of the grieving right after they died, but he didn't realize how much worse he'd feel once he started patrol again. It felt really weird without his best friend being one call away, and his girlfriend right by his side on patrol. I mean the bats aren't complete without the Spoiler, at least that's what Tim thought (Bruce certainly didn't feel that way considering he didn't really care for Steph since he fired her from being Robin anyways). Tim for the longest thought he was fine. He thought he'd long since accepted his friends' deaths. But as he was standing on that roof gathering his thoughts, he realized that he really didn't. He realized that now he was more depressed than ever, and all he really wanted to do now was just get back to the Manor so he can just lay on his bed and grieve in privacy.
Tim fired his grappling hook and was off again, going even faster this time in an effort to make it to his bike before midnight. When he finally got there he dropped to the ground, and put his grappling hook away. He started his bike and slid into the seat. The headlights automatically came on, considering it was midnight so it was pretty dark, so he didn't need to do that. He revved the engine and was off, going way faster than the speed limit. With the wind at his back he hit the outskirts of town within 7 minutes. When he finally got to the secret entrance of the cave he felt like he was about to fall over. It wasn't from tiredness, no it wouldn't be since he just had a giant cup of coffee before patrol. A scary thought past though his mind, it was an emotion he'd tried to suppress since the death of his peers. Was it grief? Nah, it can't be. I'm fine. Tim quickly dismissed that thought from his mind. But in the back of his head he knew it really was what he feared.
Tim sped into the Batcave with a roar and came to a screeching halt that echoed all throughout the cave. He took off his helmet a little too roughly and set it on his bike a little too aggressively- Tim was starting to grieve again and with grieve came anger. Why'd they have to die, Tim thought, it's just not fair- Tim almost never did this and it came as a surprise to Nightwing, who was sitting at the chair in front of the batcomputer and was now turned around to face Tim and his bike since he was making so much noise and the fact that Tim was back way earlier than usual. He could tell something was bothering Tim, and he was determined to find out what it was.
As Tim started to walk past him, he figured now would be as good of a time as ever to ask Tim what's bothering him.
"Hey Tim, how was patrol?" He asked.
"It was fine Dick." Tim replied. His reply was short and simple and hopefully wouldn't get further inquiry from Dick. Tim really just wanted to go up to his room. Though he usually looked at case files after patrol, he was feeling too depressed tonight to even do that.
"Hey Timmy you seem kinda down, are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about?" Dick asked the fatal question that Tim really hoped he wouldn't ask. But Tim figured it wouldn't take a genius to realize something was bothering him, considering his actions as he came into the cave.
"No Dick, I'm fine," Tim said with a sigh, "I'm just going to change out of my uniform and go up to my room." Tim walked past Dick, taking his mask off as he past him.
"O-okay Tim. But you know you can come to me if you need to talk about anything," Dick replied. He was a little saddened that Tim didn't want to talk to him, because something was obviously bothering him. He knew that Tim was still struggling with the loss of Conner and Steph, so he figured that's what it might be. Though Tim had said he's okay, he could tell that he still kind of wasn't. He would talk to him about it a little later.
Tim didn't even reply, he just went straight to change out of his uniform and up the stairs to his room. Alfred was in England visiting family, so there would be no medical checks from him tonight. On the plus side of Alfred not being here it's one less person who'll ask me if i'm okay, Thought Tim as he trudged up the endless stairs of the Manor and into his room. As soon as Tim got into his room and closed his door he crashed down on his bed. He laid there for a good hour and a half and he was on the verge of tears multiple times. During that time he had some pretty dark thoughts. But he really tried to push those down, for fear where they might lead.
As soon as Tim was about to get back up and go back down to the cave, so Dick doesn't start to get really suspicious, he heard a knock at his door. At first he really didn't want to answer it, because he didn't want anyone bombarding him with questions. But again the knock sounded a little softer a few seconds later, and with it came a soft voice.
"Hey Tim, it's me. Can you please open up? I just want to talk to you." It was Dick, he was getting pretty concerned about Tim. Tim wasn't opening the door, he really didn't feel like getting up. Since he didn't open the door, Dick just opened it and walked in anyways.
The first thing Dick noticed upon entering Tim's room was that Tim was lying on his bed. He looked pretty sad in Dick's opinion. So Dick walked on over to Tim's bed and sat down at the foot of it, completely ready to have a comforting conversation with Tim. Tim didn't even say anything because he knew, once Dick got into his mama bear mode, there was no stopping him.
"Tim….?" Dick asked softly. When no reply came Dick continued on, "I know I've asked you this already but what's wrong Tim? I can tell something's bothering you and your not telling me." Again no reply, so Dick continued on further, he really wanted to know what was bothering Tim. "Come on babybird what's on your mind? You know that you can tell me anything."
Tim slowly turned to face Dick and sat up. "Well….. it's just that…" Tim paused after this, as if to gather his thoughts before he went into one long explanation. Then all of a sudden, Tim started to drop his head and turn away from Dick, "you know what, it's nothing nevermind."
"Tim," Dick said, more sternly this time.
"Alright, fine. I'm just pretty sad okay? Well more like depressed actually." Tim started to slowly turn his head back to face Dick, but didn't make eye contact with him.
"Why are you sad babybird?" Dick asked, voice soft again instead of the stern tone he'd just taken a moment ago.
"It's just that….. I miss them okay Dick? I miss them so much. Conner and Steph, they didn't deserve to die. Why'd they have to die Dick? Why'd they have to leave me?" As Tim said this, he turned his gaze to his hands in his lap. Dick could see a lonely tear start to slip down Tim's face. But before Dick could even say anything in return, Tim continued on. "Dick when they died, I was pretty depressed, and for a while too. And during that time I had some pretty dark thoughts and considered doing some pretty dark things….. multiple times. I really thought I was done grieving now and that I had accepted their deaths. But ever since I started regularly going on patrols again, I started to feel even worse. My life is just so empty without them, and I don't know how I'm going to manage without them. And I'm just starting to feel so sad again that I don't even want to do anything anymore, I don't even want to live anymore. So I started thinking, would anyone even miss me if I were gone?"
It took Dick a moment to really process what Tim was saying because he really couldn't believe it. Tim wanted…. to kill himself? No that can't be right, thought Dick. But Dick soon realized that it was. He realized that he'd let his little brother slip down a dark path of depression and he didn't even realize it to help him. He quickly took Tim's face in his hands and looked him right in the eyes.
"There will always be someone who would miss you Tim. Don't you ever forget that." Dick's tone was really serious now, he was furious at himself. How could he have been so stupid to not even know his little brother was thinking about killing himself? He would lose it if something ever happened to Tim.
"Oh yeah? Who? Cause I'm not seeing anyone," Tim said. Tim's own voice getting a little mad as well.
"Well me for starters. Tim if you ever were to kill yourself, and I hope to god you won't, I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd probably lose it!" Dick said, by now his hands were off of Tim's face but now resting in his shoulders. He was still looking right in Tim's eyes. "I also know for a fact that Bruce would miss you. For goodness sake he's your adoptive father Tim! You really think that if you were to kill yourself he wouldn't miss you? Oh we both know that Bruce would do way more than missing you. He would blame your suicide on himself. He would say that it's his fault that he didn't notice your depression sooner to try to help you. You know how much that'll tear him apart?"
Dick paused before going onto the next sentence, "he already lost one son…do you honestly think he wants to lose another?" Dick was on the verge of tears as he said this. "Bruce loves you Tim, a lot. He would hate to lose you."
Dick then continued on with his list after wiping the tear from his face, "I also know that Damian would miss you too. Even though he can be a bit stubborn and you guys argue a lot, deep deep down in his heart, he does love you and he would greatly miss you if you were to die." Tim's eyes widened at this. He really didn't think that Damian would miss him after all those times they'd argued, but Dick knows Damian better than Bruce himself and if he says he'd miss Tim, then he'd miss Tim.
"The Titans would miss you too Tim, every single one of them. They can't not have Red Robin on their team and you know it." Dick took his arms off of Tim's shoulders as he said this, he looked down and sighed. He then looked back up at Tim.
"Look Tim, there are so many more people that I could name right now who would miss you if you were gone. And deep deep down inside of you, you know it too."
Tim knew Dick was right to some degree. Tim knew that some people would maybe… possibly miss him if he were gone, he just didn't realize how many. And he was honestly surprised how many people would actually miss him if he were gone. Tim was about to cry now, but he really didn't want to cry. He hated crying in front of people, it made him look weak. He'd wanted to cry this whole time but he'd been suppressing it.
Tim spoke again, "would…. that many people really miss me if I were gone?" Tim asked. He was still surprised that so many people actually cared about him, and would miss him.
"Yes, yes of course they would Tim. Don't ever forget that." Dick put his hands on Tim's shoulder again, forcing eye contact. "Tim if you ever feel like….this again, just remember that there will always be someone who would miss you if you were gone. Please remember this and don't you ever consider taking the coward's way out again okay? Because my little brother is not a coward and will not kill himself okay?" Dick was starting to cry too, for a tear started to fall down his face as he said this.
"... Okay," Tim said. His voice was really soft because he was so close to crying that if he were to talk any louder, he would just melt down for sure.
Dick then looked at Tim, smiled and then gave him a big hug. Then all of a sudden it happened. Tim started to actually cry. He had tried so hard to keep it in, but he just let it all out because he couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dick noticed this and said, "It's okay baby bird, I'm right here. Just let it all out."
They say there like that for a good ten minutes. When Tim finally stopped crying, he turned to Dick and said, "we can't tell Bruce. We just can't. He'll think I'm so weak."
"Tim, Bruce has to know. This is a big deal and I don't think it's a good idea not to tell him. If I were Bruce, I'd want to know that my son is depressed for sure. And Bruce is not going to think your weak Tim. He loves you he'll just be worried about you. He wants the best for you."
"Yeah I guess you're right Dick, as much as I hate to admit it, but how are we gonna tell him? I would feel so awkward talking about this with him. You know Bruce, he's a rock. The guy has no emotions, that's because he sucks at dealing with them. If the guy can't even deal with his own emotions, how's he supposed to help me?"
"Look, we'll worry about that later," Dick looked right at Tim before he said this; "All that matters right now is that you're starting to feel better. The process will be slow Tim, but you will feel better I promise. The hurt may not ever completely go away, but it will lessen over time. And just know that I'm here with you every step of the way. So whenever you need me, don't be afraid to call me."
"Thank you Dick, thank you so much." Tim was actually feeling quite a bit better than he was just barely an hour earlier. Dick was right, the road out of his depression would be a long one, but it would get better. It would get a lot better.
Tim never thought about suicide again, no matter how depressed he was, because he now knew that there always would be someone who miss miss him if he were gone.
It took quite a bit of time for Tim to completely heal and for him to completely come to terms with his peers' deaths but he did it. He would've never been able to do it if Dick hadn't told him that one small thing: There will always be someone who would miss you if you were gone.
A/N: Okay so I really hoped you guys liked this story! It's my first story here so I'm pretty nervous to see what you guys thought. Please review to let me know what you think. Also, give me some suggestions for future stories. Can't wait to hear from you guys!