Shadow of Doubt
It started when he took me in as his pupil -- I don't know why he chose me, but he did.
Only me.
Jiraiya-sama had three students, but Tsunade-sama also only had one student. Maybe, back then, I misunderstood. Maybe I was meant to be an apprentice, not just a student. There were many things I didn't know and few things I understood. Nonetheless, he was my instructor, and wherever he led I was determined to follow. He was an odd man, but maybe greatness begets oddness, as he was one of Konoha's top shinobi. Afterall, Jiraiya-sama's perverted ways were as common knowledge as Tsunade-sama's short fuse. I thought I had the normal member of the sannin. Looking back, I can't discern whether he went insane or if, perhaps, he was never sane to begin with. For what it's worth, he treated me well. Scared me shitless a few times and was harsh when it came to our assignments, but I can't say he treated me badly. There were times when he was kind. I admired him. He was a shinobi down to the core: prepared for everything, afraid of nothing, and always striving for improvement. He inspiried me, taught me to push passed my limits and exceed my own expectations.
If he had told me I could fly, I would've believed him without a shadow of doubt.
I know I wasn't the easiest teen to deal with. In my academy days, I was a pain in the ass to my teachers. I had some of the highest scores in the class, and I was convinced that I knew more than they did. The sad thing is, I think I was right. I talked back to them and occasionally picked fights with them. I even tried to get the class to mutiny once. That changed the day he came to claim me. In the beginning, I showed my appreciation by blatanly ignoring orders and supplementing with my own idiotic ideas. He saved my ass more than once. He beat the crap out of me more than once too, but I deserved that. It didn't take long for him to break me, and in a way, I'm glad he did. He could have let me carry out my suicidal plans or dismissed me as his protege. Instead, he proved his role to me. He showed me that amidst all the blood and confusion, he knew what the fuck he was doing. I think that was all I had wanted, too.
In a time when we were at war with Tsuchigakure and everything was changing and speeding out of control, he was a source of consistency for me. Whenever I felt lost, I could always look up at him, and he always gave me a clue what to do next. Whenever I felt overwhelmed he was there to remind me that I was a Konoha shinobi and that damnit, shinobi don't cry! Whenever I felt lonely, he seemed to sense it, and suddenly the plan would switch from 'divide and conquer' to tag-teaming the enemy. It made me think that somewhere deep down, maybe he was lonely too. At thirteen, I snagged my first boyfriend. He was cute and a civillian, a welcome distraction from the art of killing. Three weeks later, he dumped me for a girl with bigger boobs. Orochimaru kindly feigned ignorance when I broke the shinobi code to beat him within an inch of his life.
Just five months after he took me under his wing, he recommended me for the chuunin exam. Sunagakure hosted it that year, it was my first time there and they didn't exactly roll up the welcome wagon. I kicked their little sand gennin's asses and the bastards accused me of cheating. Only Orochimaru was on my side. Despite the odds, we got our way. I realized then what a powerful man my instructor was; not just physically, but politically. It was virtually impossible to fail with him as an ally. Between missions, and training, we were really taking the world by storm. Well, before I actually knew he really did want to take the world by storm. Few teams completed as many missions in as short of time period as we did; by then I knew his every command without so much as a glance from him. I think I was chuunin for a little less than a year when I was appointed jounin. Under his tutelage, I completed my first S-class mission at fifteen. He'd accompanied me, but hadn't needed to interfere. That was the one and only time I caught emotion on his face: pride. He let me indulge in sake that night for the first time.
At sixteen, he finally handed me the summoning contract. I hastily signed it and promised to be responsible with the power it would give me. My first time summoning, I nearly died from chakra exhaustion. My second time summoning, the reptile refused me as it's master and I had to bow it into submission. Alone. He said they wouldn't respect me if I couldn't defeat them without help. I guess I should be grateful that he didn't let me summon the giant three-headed boa, or rather, be glad that I didn't have the chakra to. Maybe it was just the feminine, girly part of me deep inside, but I felt like there was a bond that day. Like I'd earned something.
One day, while I was training, he showed up. He had long since I surpassed chuunin level told me to train on my own. He only showed up occasionally to check on my progress, but that day was different. Nothing showed in the way he walked or in the way he looked at me, no, it was like an air he carried with him. Something intense that seemed to command my attention even though he had it already. It made me uncomfortable, agitated me, and I took it out on my practice targets. He stood there in silence and I practiced, and at some point -- he was so fast I barely saw him move -- he swiftly grabbed my hand holding the shuriken. I stared up at that pale, blank face in question but found no answer. It wasn't necessary though, because he told me bluntly enough. "I'm leaving Konoha soon." I sensed the permanence in his message. I didn't bother ask, because Orochimaru-sama was a private man and I knew nothing of his activities apart from his time spent with me. I noticed he didn't say "we" and something in me wondered why not.
I lied to them. I lied, to the Sandaime Hokage and to Konoha. My memories may not be as pristine as they once were, but I do have them. It was treason, punishable by the most painful of deaths, and I did it for him. In my teenaged frame of mind, I felt that I owed that to him for all that he gave me. I wasn't like him, I was weak and had held Konoha too close to my heart for too long to just toss aside my allegiance as he did. We parted ways because I just couldn't measure up to the person he wanted me to be, and I wasn't sure I wanted to be that person, either. He didn't show it, but I think he was disappointed in my decision to stay. He bit me the night he left, and there left the cursed mark seal. As usual, I couldn't comprehend why he did it, and the pain it caused made me think it was a sort of punishment. It was a while before I realized how strong it made me, and that just maybe, it was meant to be a parting gift.
My memories are but fragments of secrecy and slaughter now, but I swear there was more to our relationship than his mentoring me; I can still feel, and feelings don't lie. What was he to me? I'm not sure. He wasn't fatherly and being with him was nothing like hanging out with the guys my age. He certainly wasn't brotherly, but I wasn't attracted to him either. At least not physically. I think. Call it childishness or call it nostalgia, but part of me misses him even though I have orders to kill him on sight. Even though he behaves as if I were nothing to him. When it's all said and done, if I could re-live it, I would.
If only just to believe again...