The Tale of Rumpel Hood
Teazer Kitten: Alright everyone.
Misto: Whatever it is, I'm not doing it!
Teazer Kitten: You don't even know what we're doing yet!
Skimble: So, what are we doing?
Teazer Kitten: The wonderful Disney tale of……. Rumpel Hood!
Munkustrap: Dear lord… Let me guess: I'm Maid Marian.
Teazer Kitten: You'll see…… roll credits!
Admetus is shoved
on wearing a plunger on his behind and a red rubber glove stretched over his
head, bearing a minstrel's guitar
Admetus: Well, um, uh, you see, okay. This is the story of
Rumpel Hood. A daring hero back in the olden days, I guess.
Admetus starts to whistle a REALLY annoying song. The credits begin.
Bustopher walks by with a crown on his head. He waves.
SIR SKIM
Skimbleshanks comes rolling by wearing a body sock. He glances at his name and makes a really lame pun.
Skimble: Got milk?
RUMPEL HOOD
Rumpelteazer comes out wearing a baggy green tunic. Her face lights up like a Christmas tree when she sees her name.
MAID MUNGO
Screaming is heard. Mungojerrie is shoved onto the stage wearing a long, pink and white dress. He turns beet red. Munkustrap's laughter is heard.
LITTLE MISTO
Misto comes out
amiably enough, until he sees his name. He points at the audience and says sternly:
Misto: I'm not little, I'm vertically challenged.
FRIAR TUGG
Tugger comes out meekly in a brown robe with the hood pulled up.
Tearzer Kitten: What's wrong?
Tugger: Misto shaved my head!
Teazer Kitten looks for Misto. He's nowhere to be found.
LADY VICK
Victoria comes out wearing a way-too-big blue dress.
SHERRIFF OF NOTTINGHAM
Jennyanydots comes bustling out wearing an oversized red tunic with a ring of keys
TRIGGER AND NUTSY
Coricopat and Tantomile come out moving in sync. They glance at their names and become offended
Coricopat: I'm Nutsy?
Tantomile: I'm Trigger?
The music continues. More characters come by. Then the music picks up pace, and is soon going insanely fast. Arrows fly. Cats run. Suddenly everything goes quiet. The only sound is Admetus whistling. He saunters back on.
Admetus: My name's Admetus. I'm a minstrel, an old time folk singer. It's my job to tell you like it is. Or was. Or whatever.
Admetus lays down his guitar and brings his paws together.
Admetus: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away……
Admetus is silenced by a flying script. He picks it up and sees his lines outlined in red.
Admetus: Oh, right!
Cut to Little Misto and Rumpel Hood walking thru Sherwood Forest. Campy music starts playing.
A pointless action sequence follows, ending with Rumpel and Misto in a tree. Admetus sings a stupid song.
An argument ensues that Rumpel is taking too many chances. To demonstrate what will happen to them if they get caught, Misto seizes his neck and pretends to throttle himself. He shakes himself so hard he goes tumbling out of the tree. Cats laugh.
Misto: Ow?
Rumpel hoists him back up in the tree. Music plays and they see a caravan coming.
Cut to interior of Prince Jones' Royal Coach. He is talking with his counselor, Sir Skim.
Prince Jones is playing with his money.
Busto: Taxes! Taxes! Think how many donuts this will buy!
Skimble: You seem to have a knack for stealing.
Busto glares at him.
Skimble: I mean, collecting taxes.
Busto: So, where are we headed next?
Skimble checks a map
Skimble: The little town of Nottingham. What are the odds?
Busto: Ah, the richest of the lot. Notting-ha ha-ham.
He puts on his crown.
Pounce: Um, why wasn't he wearing it before?
Jenny: Hush.
Busto: This crown gives me a feeling of power! POWER! Forgive me a cruel chuckle. (chuckle chuckle chuckle chuckle) Power.
Skimble: And how well King Plato's crown sits upon your noble brow.
Busto: KING Plato?
Skimble: Oops. Sorry.
Busto looks at him strangely. Skimble tries to shrug, but the body sock hinders it and he falls off his stool.
Skimble: Remember, we're in this together. It was your idea, but I'm the one that hypnotized him and sent him off on the Crusade. Much to the sorrow of the Queen Mother.
Busto screams in agony.
Busto: Mother! She always liked Plato best.
He starts to suck his thumb noisily.
Skimble: Um, sire? If you don't mind me saying so, you have a very loud thumb.
Busto: So?
Cut to Misto running thru the woods pulling on a pair of colorful bloomers. They are much too big, and he has to hold them up with his paws. Rumpel is also putting on loud clothes. They look like gypsies. Actually, a gypsy and a cross-dresser.
Misto: Aw, it's just a circus. (rolls his eyes) I got a couple of clowns for them…
Rumpel: You dunce, that's the Royal Coach! It's Prince Jones 'imself!
Misto: This just gets better and better.
Rumpel: (in a valiant attempt to stick with the script) What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty?
Misto stares at her.
They flag down the coach by screeching 'Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally!' Misto calls out:
Misto: Fortunes forecast, lucky charms!
Busto: Oh, fortunetellers! How droll. Stop the coach!
Skimble: But sire, they may be bandits!
Busto: Ohpoppycock!
Skimble: Poppycock?
Busto: Come and kiss the royal paws.
Misto: Yuck!
Rumpel expertly slides a ring off Busto's paw. Misto slurps all the gems off the other rings. Suddenly, his eyes go wide and he starts to choke. Munk runs out and performs the Heimlich. The flying gems bean Skimble in the head, knocking him, unconscious, into the basket.
Teazer Kitten: How convenient.
Busto: Um, yeah.
He and Rumpel go into the coach and close the curtains.
Rumpel: (in a mysterious voice) From the bogs of time, come forth pixies! Yoo hoo!
A clear orb filled with little sparkling things floats in between them
Rumpel points at it mysteriously.
Rumpel: Look sire!
Busto, of course, tries to touch it. The thing swings and smacks him squarely in the nose. Rumpel looks surprised. Suddenly, the orb starts to spin and shoot blue lightening bolts. They hear a yelp from outside of the carriage and the orb disappears. Rumpel grabs the money and runs. She runs into Misto, who's rubbing a bump on his head, and the two run off into the woods screaming 'Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally!'
Busto: I've been robbed!
Skimble: No, duh.
Cut to the village of Nottingham. The Sheriff is walking down the street. Admetus appears and starts gabbing on and on about taxes and hardship in Nottingham.
Admetus: Uh oh. Here comes old Bad News herself.
Jenny: I'm bad news?
Jenny looks extremely hurt. Tugger comes bursting out of his house and runs down the street like a hunted animal, looking every which way.
Jenny: Um, it's, Friar Tugg! That do-gooder is out doing good again.
Tugger ducks into the blacksmith's house. He greets the blacksmith, Jello.
Jellylorum: Jello?
Tugger presses a meager sack in her paws.
Tugger: For you ,Jello. It's from Rumpel Hood!
Jelly: Bless Rumpel Hood.
Suddenly, Jenny comes in, screams 'Taxes!', swipes the money and runs, leaving Tugger looking very stressed.
Cut to a quaint tree cottage. Inside, a birthday party is going on for young Munky. His mother, Grizabella, hands him a package. As she does so, the door bursts open, Jenny rushes in screaming 'Taxes!' and swipes the box from little Munky. She races out the door. They look out the window and see Jenny tackling a blind beggar, robbing him (ahem) blind. The beggar walks into their house.
Grizabella: Um, come in.
Rumpel: (rips off her disguise) Happy birthday son!
Munk: Gee whiz, it's Rumpel Hood!
Pounce: Gee whiz?
Munk: Shut up. Just shut up.
Rumpel: 'ow old are you todai?
Munk turns red, claps a paw over his eyes and says thru gritted teeth:
Munk: Gosh, I'm seven years old! Goin' on eight!
Mungo's laughter is heard
Rumpel gives him a bow and arrow and her hat. Munk gives a pathetic little hop.
Munk: Oo-de-lally. I'm going to go try it out.
Rumpel gives Griz a bag of money and leaves.
Griz: God bless us, every one!
Teazer Kitten enters and slaps Griz.
Griz: Ow?
Cut to Munk purposefully shooting his arrow into Prince Jones backyard.
Munk: Oh dang. I'll just go get it.
He crawls in the
gate. Admetus comes out.
Admetus: Let's skip ahead a bit, shall we?
Munk: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! I have to kiss Mungo?
Mungo: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! I have to kiss Munk?
Teazer Kitten bonks their heads together and makes 'smooch' sound.
Admetus: All in all, the kids leave unscathed. Maid Mungo tells Lady Vick how he misses Rumpel Hood and how they once were in love. Skipping more ahead, Rumpel tells Little Misto how much she loves Maid Mungo. She decides to participate in an archery contest. The prize is a kiss from Maid Mungo. Oo-de-lally.
Cut to Prince Jones and Sir Skim talking. After a long and pointless conversation, we deduce it is really a trap for Rumpel Hood.
Cut to Maid Mungo and Lady Vick.
Mungo: Oh, Vicky I'm so excited! But how will I recognize her?
Vicky: Aw, she'll let you know. That young rogue of yours is full of suprises!
Rumpel: There he is, Little Misto. He's beautiful.
She walks after Mungo as if in a trance. Rolling his eyes, Misto drags her back into the bushes.
Misto: Easy, lover girl.
He finishes putting Rumpel in her flamingo costume.
Teazer Kitten: Wait a second, flamingo?
Misto: (shrug) It's all we could find.
Rumpel walks out
and gets the sheriff hook, line and sinker with her disguise. Misto saunters up
to Prince Jones, disguised as a nobleman. He flatters the wits out of him. Sir
Skim is skeptical.
Skimble: (balancing precariously in his body sock) And just who are you?
Misto: I am Sir Reginald. Duke of Chestnut.
He fiddles with his mustache. It falls off.
Busto: Ooo, sit next to me.
Prince Jones sends
Sir Skim to keep an eye out for Rumpel Hood. Friar Tugg and Admetus follow him.
The archers parade before the king. Meanwhile, Admetus has spotted Sir Skim. He
has his head inside a balloon and is swinging his body haphazardly to move
forward.
Skimble: I can't breathe!
Rumpel saunters up
to Mungo, who is sitting in his seat.
Rumpel: Good day, your, um, ladyship? It is with great pleasure that I play for you today.
Mungo looks repulsed at the pink fowl, but then looks closely at her eyes.
Mungo: Rumpel Hood!
Lady Vick slaps him.
Mungo: Er, I wish you luck.
He leans close to Rumpel.
Mungo: With all me heart.
The archery tournament starts.
Sir Skim makes an important discovery.
Skimble: The flamingo is Rumpel Hood!
He is in the process of telling the king when-
Skimble: Help! Help! My head is coming out! Aaaaah!
Skimble falls out of the balloon and into a barrel of water.
The archers compete. Skipping forward, it comes down to Rumpel and the Sheriff. Rumpel wins. She goes before the Prince and he reveals her. Faced with the execution of his beloved, Maid Mungo confesses his love for the thief. Rumpel confesses her love for Mungo. Prince Jones releases Rumpel because Misto is sticking his fanny with a pin.
Teazer Kitten: A pin?
Misto: (waves the pin threateningly) You got a problem with that?
Teazer Kitten: (shrug) No.
Rumpel is released
Vicky: Love conquers all! Yeeeeeeeee-hee!
The sheriff discovers Misto. A large fight scene ensues. Mungo runs around saying 'Help, Rumpel, help' a lot. Everyone runs off to Sherwood Forest.
Tugger: Teazer Kitten?
Teazer Kitten: Yeah?
Tugger: Thanks.
Teazer Kitten: For what?
Tugger: For editing out all the boring stuff.
Teazer Kitten: No problem.
There here gasping
noises coming from a barrel. They dump it out. It's Skimble in a VERY shrunken
body sock.
Tugger: (low whistle) That is one small body sock.
Admetus: Somebody help him!
Teazer Kitten appears with scissors and deftly cuts along the length of the sock. Skimble explodes out of it. Teazer Kitten hands Tugger an extra body sock and leaves. Tugger forces Skimble into it, not realizing his head is at the bottom until he's done.
Tugger: Stop wiggling!
Admetus: He's in the wrong way!
Tugger: Ooops. Well so he is.
He fixes it.
Skipping another boring song, we find Rumpel, Mungo, and the villagers partying.
Tugger: Long live Rumpel Hood!
Jemima about the size of a mouse comes running out on his head
Jemima: And long live Maid Mungo!
They all stare at her
Jemima: It's kinda funny how I got this small. Let's not bother with an explanation.
Vicky: And down with that scurrrrrrrrrrrrvy Prince Jones!
Misto: Yeah!
He starts strumming his guitar.
Misto: It's payback time!
Teazer Kitten: Huh?
Misto: (singing)
Oh they will sing of a fanfic queen a thousand years from now,
But not because she wrote good angst or other stories now.
While other's are writing romance and suspenseful mysteries,
Ole Teazer Kitten's working on those shameful parodies.
Incredible as she is inept,
Whenever the fanfic books are kept,
They'll call her the 'Phony Queen of Fanfics.'
Teazer Kitten: Cut it out! Guys!
All: (singing)
A curse upon that Phony Queen of Fanfics!
Teazer Kitten: This isn't in the script!
Misto: (singing)
She sits upon her writer's throne pretending she's the queen,
But she takes other plots and characters to use them in her thing.
The characters throw a tantrum cause they think they're being abused,
But she will never give the choice on whether they want to be used.
Too late to be known as T.K. the First,
She's sure to be known as T.K. the Worst!
All: (singing)
A pox on the Phony Queen of Fanfics!
They all dance around the helpless author
Misto: (singing)
While she keeps messing up our lines and making us look weird,
She keeps on writing parodies, an object to be feared.
As long as there's a character who has an ounce of pride,
We'll find a way to make her pay and we'll be gratified.
That breezy and uneasy Queen of Fanfics.
Flabbering blabbering!
Jibbering jabbering!
Wheeling dealing!
A pox on that Phony Queen of Fanfics!
Yeah!
Teazer Kitten: I love you too Misto. Now back to the story!
Misto: See what I mean?
Cut to Admetus laughing hysterically.
Admetus: That Misto. Anyway, the taxes in Nottingham skyrocket. If you can't pay you go to jail.
Zoom out. Admetus is on a ball and chain.
Admetus: Yep, I'm in here too. The poor, poor people of Nottingham.
Admetus sings an incredibly sorrowful, pitiful song about all the trials and tribulations in Nottingham.
Pouncival: Um, why don't they just move?
Teazer Kitten: Do I look like Disney?
Cut to Friar Tugg ringing the church bell like a madman. Jemima is playing the organ.
Jemima: Friar Tugg, I don't think anyone is coming.
Tugger: Maybe the sound of the bell will bring the poor people some comfort.
Jemima: Yeah right.
Tugger: (insistently) We must do what we can to keep the peoples' hopes alive.
He walks over to the poor box and peeks inside.
Tugger: Look: Our poor box is like our church. Empty.
In a beautiful, touching moment Jemima gives Friar Tugg her last farthing for the poor. Just then, the door bursts open, Jenny rushes in screaming 'Taxes!', swipes the farthing and is heading out the door when Tugger grabs her.
Tugger: I'll give you taxes!
The two have a dramatic stick/sword fight in the dramatic rain. Suddenly, in a dramatic moment Tantomile swoops down and dramatically pulls Friar Tugg's hood over his head. Jenny dramatically clips a pair of handcuffs on him, and dramatically puts him away in jail.
Pouncival: Wow! That was-
All: DRAMATIC!
Cut to the interior of Prince Jones castle. He is sulking, and Sir Skim is trying to cheer him up, but all he wants is Rumpel Hood. They decide to use Friar Tugg as bait for the desperado by pretending to hang him. Then Rumpel would show up to rescue him, and the royal guards would catch her.
In her legendary beggar disguise, Rumpel manages to get the information out of the sheriff and his stupid sidekick, Nutsy.
Coricopat: I'm not stupid!
Rumpel comes up to Little Misto, out of sight of the sheriff.
Rumpel: We need to do a jailbreak tonight.
Misto: A jailbreaks too risky.
Rumpel: It's his only chance! A jailbreak tonight or Friar Tugg dies at dawn.
Misto: How cliché.
An elaborate jailbreak ensues. Rumpel ends up in Prince Jones bedroom, lowering the bags of money down to the waiting poor people. Even when they leave, Rumpel continues lowering the money until it's all gone. Everybody escapes, but Rumpel Hood gets trapped in the castle. A complicated chase ensues, with Rumpel dodging arrows and climbing towers. The sheriff sets the tower on fire, and Rumpel is trapped on the burning roof of the castle tower. She jumps into the moat below. Arrows rain down on her. She disappears beneath the water. Little Misto and Munky watch sadly.
Misto: No…
Munk: He's gotta be all right! He's just gotta!
Misto sadly starts to lead Munk away, but Munk sees something of interest in the water.
Munk: Hey lookit!
A reed is moving towards them. When it reaches the bank it spews water at Misto, then surfaces, reavealing Rumpel Hood herself, unscathed.
Munk: I told ya.
Meanwhile, on the rooftop, Sir Skim points out Rumpel's survival.
Skimble: Not only that, you've destroyed your mother's castle!
Busto screams in agony.
Busto: MOMMY!
He picks up a stick and begins chasing Sir Skim. Considering Skimble can't move an inch in his body sock, he gets the tar beat out of him by an angry Prince Jones.
Cut to Admetus happily strolling thru town whistling that same annoying song.
Admetus: You know, I never thought we'd get rid of those two rascals. But lucky for us, King Plato came back and fixed everything. Oo-de-lally.
Church bells start ringing.
Admetus: I better get over to the church. Sounds like somebody's getting hitched!
Maid Mungo and Rumpel Hood run out of the church in bride and groom garb. Everyone cheers.
Cut to Jenny, Skimble, and Busto working in the quarry.
Cut to Plato and Friar Tugg.
Plato: Well, it appears I now have an outlaw for an in-law.
The two chuckle annoyingly
As the carriage rides away, the cast sings:
All: (singing)
LOVE GOES ON AND OOOOOOOOON!
OO-DE-LALLY, OO-DE-LALLY, GOLLY WHAT A DAY!
Misto: (singing)
And a pox on that Phony Queen of Fanfic! Yeeha!
Teazer Kitten: MISTOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The whole cast runs screaming into the hills.
Teazer Kitten: Oo-de-lally!
Disclaimer: I do not own CATS, nor do I own Disney and Robin Hood.
A/N: Thank you Phantom immensely for writing the lyrics to 'Phony Queen of Fanfics' and typing.