Right now. this is rated T for Teen. But later in the story, it's gonna become M. for a few reasons. But if you can't read M. don't start. it will get you hooked.
Expect some F Bombs. and all the other words pretty much.
not the same old Bella anymore.
Preface;
Did I ever expect to get my self in so deep?
No, I didn't.
Did I seriously expect this to happen to me again?
No, I didn't. Not like this anyways.
Did I ever even want to do this?
No, I didn't.
Millions of thoughts ran through my corrupted head. That's exactly what it was
A corrupted head. Yes. They corrupted me.
Its there fault.
Bitch came into my head again. No Bella, enough self pity. Thats what got you here.
Enough already. Now man up, and get your self out of this shit. Your better
than that. Would they would have wanted this? Come on now.
Get out of this.
Could I get out?
No, I couldn't.
I was far to deep.
It will be as if I never existed. Hah! Never existed my ass. It won't be as if you never existed, silly immature boy. I wanted to say I hated the Cullens. I wanted to say I hated Edward for leaving me alone, empty, and pretty much sitting here, rotting. He was the reason behind my misery. That's exactly how I felt; like no matter how hard I tried, Edward's face wouldn't leave me head. His taste wouldn't leave me lips. His love wouldn't leave my heart. That's why it wouldn't be as if you never existed, Edward Cullen. The love I felt for him never left me, prob'ly never even would.
I wanted to say I hated Alice for leaving me here too. She was supposedly my best friend. Chyeah. I let out a gust of air in anger and out of pure spite. But I didn't hate Alice, either. I loved her with all of my heart. I knew she loved me too. I just didn't know why she couldn't even say goodbye? She knew it would be hard enough with Edward going totally nuts and deciding to leave his so called soulmate. I said soulmate out loud with a small "pah!" before it. I rolled my eyes. Who the hell was I talking to?
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower, the hottest temperature it could go. I took off my usual sweats and tee-shirt and bra and underwear, setting them into a pile in the corner of the room. I looked at myself before I went into the shower. What had happened to me? I looked like I'd just woken up from a coma. My hair was a greasy and knotted, losing 100% of its shine. I was paler than usual with big, puffy bags under my eyes. My eyes were bloodshot and red. I really had let myself go. Why even bother anymore? The only person I ever wanted to look good for was stupid Edward. He was gone, so it totally defeated the purpose.
I got out of the shower crying. Only god knows why. Actually, god might not have. There was no reason at all, no reason in the world, for me to be crying. Was I crying because I looked so ugly? Probably, I've been a fan of self pity these days. I've been so doom and gloom lately, trying to bring down everyone who was just a big ray of sunshine. People like, well people who acted like Alice.
I couldn't act like this anymore. I seriously needed a better way to cope with my life. It was Christmas break now. Months have passed Bella. Get over it already, geez! He's gone. Move on with your freaking life. That's what myself conscious told me. Get over it. But my heart told me no. I was hopefully devoted, though it did absolutely no good. I immediately thought of the movie Grease. Sandy, a poor innocent girl, loved a stupid, asshole boy, named Danny; nothing but a simple summer romance. Yeah, if only it was that simple. Well what would have happened if the poor innocent girl, loved a dazzling, gorgeous, amazing, smart, stupid, egotistical, malicious, asshole, vampire? Well, that plot wouldn't have worked very well.
Why couldn't life be easy? I want you to want me. I need you to need me. Want and need didn't quite cover it anymore. I don't want you to want me; I am begging you to want me. I don't need you to need me; I am demanding you to need me, I am requiring it. Okay, seriously Bella. Get over yourself! Enough with the metaphors. I'm getting a headache. What the hell; yeah, because myself conscious could totally get headaches. Maybe I'll name her or something. She was just like another person inside my head. What'a bitch that girl is.
I went into the kitchen, got the entire gallon of chocolate ice cream and went back into my room, still sobbing. What a shock, I got a bite-full on my plain white, long sleeve shirt. Oh well, who cares about life. I'll just grow up and live in a cardboard box. That's all my future has to hold anyways. Oh shut up Bella. Clean yourself up, get back your job, and pull your shit together. You seriously need some better ways to cope with all of this. It's been long enough. Shut up, get a life. Seriously. Don't you have someone else's head to stay in? No, not really. You don't charge rent, it's a free home. I guess I'm a charity case. Oh well, yep! Here to stay, Isabella. Wow, I had to be the most pathetic thing ever created, talking to myself conscious. Don't call me that. It's Bella. If you don't stop bugging me I'm going to put you out on the streets. By the way, I don't have a name for you, so I'll just call you bitch from now on. That's fine, a nasty name is better than no name. Well, I doubt you have the authority to do that, but okay then, Bella. I'll shut up for a while, but you know damn right, that I'm correct. And that was the end of bitch face up there. She wanted me to cope with my pain in a better way? I'd show her a better way.
I went to my drawer and took out my body care stuff; that hadn't been used in a while. I looked around for a bit; nail polish, facial scrubs, makeup, hair stuff, nails clippers, and finally what I was looking for; small, silver trimming scissors with 2 sharp blades, ready to cut. I put away the rest of the stuff, keeping out the scissors out. I got a towel, not white of course, not that I would let Charlie see anyways. I rolled my sleeve up and turned my left wrist towards me. I opened the scissors and hovered over the spot for a few minutes. Of course, bitch came into play. Bella! Bella no! Don't you dare! I ignored her and was still hovering. Could I do it? Could I hurt myself? A hard decision. But I had it made.
All i want is atleast 10 reviews and ill keep writing!!!
Well? Should I keep writing?
Let me knoww. I dunno. Nothing great.
I know, I know. Bella would never do this.
Well. this is my story. so in my world. my story. she would (:
please suscribee! and review! more INTENSE shit planned. but hey, if you guys don't like it...
thats cool too. hah kay thanks.
BPOV:
italics are Bella's self concious.
The rest is Bella's thoughts.