A/N: No, it's not what you think!

Companion piece to my Nightwing/Flash crossover ficlet also found at FanfictionNet: Worrywart. I was going to continue this there, but realized it had morphed into a Justice League fic halfway through. Besides, this one is much more cracky...

PG-13 level cleanliness. No alcohol, but some intimated violence both past and future; and if you see any slashy hallucinations in this, it's purely a result of the alcohol that does not exist.

The League Gets Plastered

"I can't believe you actually used your logos on him," snickered Wally's guest: a brunette man who was currently sitting (read: sprawled ) upon one end of the speedster's couch.

Kyle Rayner (a part-time graphic artist, once-upon-a-time League member, and currently still attached to the Green Lantern Corps by way of a fancy piece of finger jewelry) was referring to his hyper-metabolized friend's recently having aided Dick Grayson (Nightwing) during a tense and suspenseful moment when Wally had thought his long-time fellow ex-Teen Titan was in danger of expiring and thus in need of some TLC...

which resulted in Dick's being plastered with licensed The Flash (R)...um...plasters.

(Otherwise known as band aids or Casual Cut Covers.)

Wally shot his second-best friend an annoyed look while handing the man a lemon-lime soda,. He adopted a Yoda accent to mock acidly reply: "It was a matter of life or death; besides, other plasters I had none. Ungrateful Human with Lantern Green screen print on chest, with permission not, took most entire stock of."

"Er...yeah, well," waving his hand in a 'what can you do?' gesture, Kyle looked out the window as he sipped his drink as if hoping that some bad guy would choose that moment to make an appearance and render this conversation moot. Unfortunately, there was never a crisis around when you wanted one. "...it was an emergency situation," he hedged. "The unavoidable kind."

"Uh huh, so you told me." Wally's voice switched to a whiny mockery of Rayner's own voice. "Even Kyle Rayner can get the odd boo boo while fighting with the Sinestro Corps."

His guest scowled rather petulantly. "That's right-rub it in. Like Hal Jordan and John Stewart never get hurt while working sector 2814?"

"Of course they do," Wally plopped onto the other end of the couch copying Kyle's indolent sprawl like a pro. The red head contemplated the slowly descending condensation on his drink's container as if using the rate of its fall as a liquid metronome for his speech. "They just don't raid a buddy's apartment for his best plasters after every fight-especially the most dazzlingly cool ones." He shrugged and corrected this with "Well, the most non-incriminatory dazzlingly cool ones."

"Phfft-like wearing band-aids with your own logo on them will somehow give away your secret identity." An emerald light jumped from The Green Lantern ring to form puffy neon lights that spelled out "The FLASH! Right Here!" complete with a pulsing arrow pointing down at Wally's chest region...which was now sporting an emerald-colored, huge, Flash band-aid. Wally countered by creating a small cyclone with one hand meant to blow the green emanation of Will Power back into Rayner's face as if it were mere smoke. (It didn't work like that, but Kyle cut the power nevertheless in order not to suffer from windburn.)

"I'm told by a reliable expert that you can never be too careful with a secret identity. I mean, just try offering our Dark Knight a Batman plaster for a paper cut and see where said plaster actually ends up being stuck." Wally shuddered. "Take my word for it...not pretty."

Kyle did consider that scenario-and could not suppress his own shudder in empathy. Batman did not put up with friendship activities unless your name was Robin or Alfred.

"Okay, point made. Jeez...I only used the six Fighting Yoda ones and the Millennium Falcon. The way you carry on you'd think I'd raided your Candy Fund Jar and used dollar bills instead."

The speedster was aghast. He pointed an accusing finger at his possibly-to-be-ex-friend. "You're the one who used the Millennium Falcon XXL plaster? Dude, I was saving that one for a special occasion!"

"Hey, it was a special occasion!" Kyle huffed before mumbling, "That last odd and very XXL boo boo was from my date when she found out I wasn't actually the vaunted Hal Jordan."

A bit mollified (nothing granted another clemency like confessed humiliation), Wally smirked knowingly with an added touch of a waggle of his eyebrows. "Well, you know, man, I've met Hal Jordon...and you are no Hal-"

"Stuff it already!" (Kyle threw his empty can at the speedster; who predictably enough caught it in mid air.) "You have no idea how sick I am of hearing about how I don't measure up to Jordon." He sighed because there was just no way he'd get the speedster to stop bringing this up unless he capitulated. "Okay...I'll pay you back for the blasted plasters." (Really, if anyone should be showing him some sympathy here over living in the shadow of a renowned predecessor then by rights it should be the third Flash.)

"You realize that reply was Hal Jordan's trademarked schtick," Wally slyly jabbed in, referring to Hal Jordon's well known habit of incurring debt, making I.O.U's, and never getting around to making good on them. "Can't you think of something more...original?"

"Oh, shut up!" Kyle's expression grew contemplative, his own lipds curving into a smile. "Wait...I'm told that's something of an impossibility for The Fastest Mouth Alive."

His host raised an eyebrow.

-Wally Flashback-

"Ow! Man, are you licensed for this? I want to see a Medical diploma."

"Damn it, Wally, just hold still. I think I still see more orange..."

"Dick, you may be the utterly platonic love of my life, but trying to take advantage of our brotherhood fealty by asking the impossible...ow!"

"I could have sworn you prided yourself on doing the impossible." Nightwing deftly handled the medical tweezers, eyes on the prize. "Goodness knows I'd have thought it impossible to get partially skewered by carrot sticks. Of course you do have a rather prominent rear target."

"Funny. I'll have you know my rear was a top candidate for The Titans Boyish Buns Calendar. You're all just jealous of me and my extraordinary physique and amazing powers. Ow!"

"What powers? Oh yeah...you're the Fastest Idiot Alive. Next time a rogue decides to blow up a snowman building competition by hiding a bomb in the table of snowman accessories..."

"...get out of the way of the dozens of pointy carrot noses traveling at mach two. I kind of figured that out for myself, thanks, master detective with the deft medical touch of a sadistic Operation player."

"Before or after you ate most of the evidence?" Dick wondered aloud. "I include, by the by, those raisins that ricochet off you and onto Batman's cowl and the one that hit Superman in the eye?" His tweezers worked out the last sliver of carrot remains as his patient let out an indignant yelp. "And that's the last of your veggie backside dish. You can stop whining, now, brave soldier."

"I am not whining and you can't blame a speedster for being hungry after an injury. Besides, Dick, those carrots owed me. The raisins and dates were just in the wrong place at the wrong time," he justified. "Naturally, I took their sweet goodness all into protective custody before Bats could return cruel reciprocation on them like Supes had to go do with charcoal broiling that one abused and need I say innocent fruit. Word to the wise? Burnt raisin tastes nasty."

"So now you admit I'm wise?" Nightwing chuckled as he used his fingers to count of points: "Okay...you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Batman did not appreciate your picking embedded dehydrated foostuff off of his uniform like a baboon picks off fleas from..." he grimaced at the remembered image "Oh, I am not continuing that thought. Bruce and Clark might be listening in and they are already pissed enough at being called A natural magnet for dried up prunes and The Wrath of Grapes."

"You think? Thank god for accelerated healing. I've got Rayner coming over tonight and trying to explain my new nose job would have been awkward."

The former Robin nodded. "Kyle always said that working in sector 2814 was a hell raiser compared to his other gigs. Fortunately, I already knew that and as usual came prepared."

"Bats and Boy Scouts..." Wally grinned. "You can take the Robin out of the cave and green undies, but you can't-"

"Har har. Watch your tongue with me or you won't get...this!" Dick held out the hard-to-attain prize.

"Compulsive talker. Can't be helped-Oh man...is that a-?" Wally covetously grabbed for the item.

"Sonic the Hedgehog plaster? Yes. If anyone asks, they were the only thing available at the Quickie Mart and not something I had to search for on Amazon while I was supposed to be patrolling Gotham's east side for a certain cranky and head-cold suffering, and fruit-salad smelling, ex-mentor patrolling on the west side. If I have to explain more than that to Bruce-"

"-Linda and Supes will be finding out just how many pictures of Kara the Fastest Man Alive could snap during the infamous training bra incident and someone will be scraping my spandexed remains from-Kewl-the entire boxed set! Dick, you are the best, man!"

"So true even before your wedding."

"Like I'll choose someone else? Dick, Dick, Dick...I mean it. You are the best bestest buddy a speedster can have. I...you are just awesome. If I didn't think it would be seen as irredeemably unmanly of me, I'd kiss you."

"If I wasn't freaked out by the mere thought of the hyper cooties I'd get from your kissing me I'd tell you that appearing unmanly was never an issue you needed to consider, what with those dazzling pair of ear ornaments you wear."

"I'm going to ignore the possible insult embedded in your observation and conveniently overlook mentioning that elf costume you happily wore for years as Robin The Boy Wonder [What He Was Thinking Wearing That Getup!] on account as I'm still on a Dude Bonding high. We are both as studly as it comes and you're a true friend for not saying more detrimental things about me while in my presence."

"Ditto. I did had an outstanding role model for what true camaraderie could mean though," Dick mused. "Like sticking around even when times get tough."

"Yeah..." Wally reached out and gave his cohort a bro hug "nothing says true friendship as much as exchanging really cool cartoon plasters."

Dick smiled at him. "You are seriously mental, you know that?"

"Says the guy who browsed the net for an hour searching for video game themed plasters."

"What?" Dick shoved the speedster away from him. "How did you know it took that long?"

"Because I was watching your back during that patrol. Seriously, man, if I hadn't kept hitting the correct links right after you hit the wrong ones, you'd still be stuck searching in the baby food categories." He smirked as his pal groaned and slapped his forehead.

"Why am I your friend again?" a plaintive Dick wondered.

"You think I keep these dazzling ear ornaments just to honor The Flash legacy?" Wally pointed to the radio devices on each side of his head. "Night critters are attracted to shiny objects." His grin widened to a size that would make Joker jealous. "Oh yeah, you've been totally under my hypnotic spell since day one."

No wonder Bruce warned me to stay the hell away from you."

"Yep. Barry totally owned his ass. Ow!" Wally ruefully rubbed the blossoming bruise on his nose. Dahm..naow ah noid anudder pulasther."

"Try searching Amazon." Dick huffed, massaging his own sore knuckles.

-End Flashback-

"You realize that doing the impossible is my specialty? I can shut up when I want to." Wally informed Kyle. "Well...maybe? In theory."

"Even the Scarlet Speedster has limits, my friend...even the Scarlet Speedster has limits."

The two friends toasted each other.

"To warm friendships, cold sodas, and licensed plasters."

"I tell you, J'onn, it's gotten out of hand. Yesterday, Booster Gold received a camouflage one. He still thinks it's some sort of secret technology that makes him invisible to the naked eye even though getting beat up by Wonder Girl in the woman's locker room should have set him straight right away."

Aquaman snorted at The Dark Knight's griping. "Or turned him gay."

Superman looked cluelessly at his team mates. "I don't get it."

"They are merely plasters, Batman. Nothing insidious," The Martian Manhunter dismissed Bruce's concern.

Nobody felt inclined to enlighten Clark.

"Nothing... " Batman would have spluttered if he wasn't Batman. "Have you checked yourself over lately?"

"I..."

Superman's eyes dilated as he helpfully switched to first x-ray and then telescopic vision.

"He got you, J'onn," Superman's face lit up with something he would forever continue to deny was glee.

The Martian was not so amused. "That is impossible. I would have been aware..." He stood up to better see for himself.

Aquaman snickered as he plucked a duck off of J'onn. "A Duck Dodgers one."

Superman blinked. "Duck Dodgers? I see the Marvin the Martian one right on his a-"

"The point is-" Batman interrupted them, "the point is that the things have become a nuisance. The entire League is starting to sport them and not always on inconspicuous places. The Creeper has nearly covered himself with Animaniacs. The press was adamant that we'd gained a new member and demanded to know his name. I vote we ban all but undecorated plasters for members of the Justice League." He paused, eying each of his teammates with an air of gravitas. "Personally, I think we'd be better set to just vote off The Flash for having started this nonsense in the first place, but I'll settle for the first option...for now."

Meanwhile J'onn blushed as he located his cartoon counterpart. "What is an Animaniac and why does this...Marvin the Martian wear a shoe-shine brush on his hat? Is that a sign of his occupational interests?"

Everyone avoided those questions.

Superman rolled his eyes. "Oh, come now, Batman. It's just Flash's way of showing he cares." He muttered under his breath. "Besides, they do help keep bad germs out of your boo boos until ma can kiss them better."

"Don't give me that, Clark," an irate Batman snarled back at the Man of Steel. "You realize that's another reason to ban the things. Everyone knows that you've been faking injuries in order to gain more Strawberry Shortcake tatoos. People are beginning to wonder just how invulnerable you truly are."

"Plasters...they are plasters. Not tattoos," Superman pouted. His adopted mother didn't abide tattoos and would give him what for if he even thought giving himself one. Licensed plasters were a good alternative to permanent body decor...at least apparently to anyone besides Batman who could not leave well enough alone.

"On you a band-aid by any name can safely be considered purely ornamental."

"Ma Kent thinks they are cute," Superman defended. "She uses the pictures for needlepoint patterns." She'd gotten a tad bored doing only Kal-El family logos on blue and red fabric and Superman was happy to help out; though he'd drawn the line on her practicing different styles on his cape.

Batman glared. "Cute? One showed up on the Blue Beetle...of Spiderman."

"So?"

"Think about it, Clark. Beetle...Spider. He's convinced it's a death threat."

Superman sighed. "Let's give it a bit more time."

Aquaman quickly concurred. "I say a week."

"A week?" Batman glanced between the two.

Superman confessed, "I promised ma I'd try to get the one of Strawberry gardening." (She'd been hinting about experimenting doing a Popeye on his suit. It was a matter of self-preservation.)

"I haven't had a chance to gain one of Sponge Bob Square Pants's Gary the pet gastropoda yet," Aquaman admitted. "However, the Black Manta has agreed to stage a mock battle with me if I can finagle him a proper Darth Vader. The last such plaster was not waterproof."

J'onn folded his hands (which now sported a Marvin sticker stuck to his thumb) and rejoined the conversation. "You should be aware that Flash and Nightwing have inadvertently started another of your human trends what with the media finding out about their recent purchasing predilections. Decorative plaster sales have hit the roof as they say-since so many heroes have been sighted sporting them of late. Trading in them has become a craze in school yards and playgrounds everywhere. To stop The Flash's mother-hen tendencies now may well send the local economies of whole nations into a tail spin." He paused, staring cryptically at Marvin's portrait. "Are there other such plasters that have to do with Mars?"

Batman breathed something along the lines of 'leave it to Wally to single-handily destroy civilization as we know it.

"Where is Flash anyway?" Superman wondered. "He should have been here by now."

Aquaman shrugged. "Last I saw of him he was in the cafeteria polishing his head ornaments. Said something about how he was 'probably going to need all the hypnotic power he could get for this one'....or something similar."

The King of the Seven Seas blinked as the Dark Knight abruptly got up, reached into a belt pouch, and left the room. "I realize that the ways of surface dwellers are sometimes beyond my ken, but why would Batman suddenly don sunglasses while indoors?"

"It's part of the Flash Legacy Hypnotic Effect," Clark sighed. "J'onn, better inform the doctors to break out the plasters."

"I'll tell them to use the Batman licensed ones."

Superman did a double take at his fellow alien's smirking countenance. "Since when did you start doing evil things?"

J'onn shrugged as he protectively covered his Martian plaster. "I don't know. Something just came over me." He smiled innocently at the others, thumb stroking his new obsession.