Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot, I'm just borrowing the characters and making them jump for my amusement. Buffy and Co belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy and its Characters belongs to Douglas Adams, as well as a few lines from 'Restaurant at the End of the Universe' that I use in this story.
Spoilers: Everything Buffy Season 1-7 and Everything in the Hitchhikers "Trilogy in Five Parts" books. "And Another Thing..." is not part of this continuity, sorry.
Author's Note: For the backstory of how Buffy and the rest ended up where they are, please read the first story, Xander Harris & The Ultimate Gloves, which can be found on my author page.
^Hello^ = Foreign/Alien Language.
The world wouldn't keep still. It kept twirling and swirling and moving about in a very evil like way. They were all sprawled out on the ground, the portal having spewed them out with force. Mia lay on top of Hailey, Buffy had managed to land on her back, Xander on his stomach next to her. Momma was on her back kicking her legs frantically as she tried to roll onto her side next to John, the man on his hands and knees, groaning as his lungs re-inflated after having the wind knocked out of him.
^Excuse me, Gentlemen, Ladies?^ A posh accent asked from somewhere.
Xander lifted his face out of the plush carpet below him and blinked a few times, Buffy's hair coming into view as his vision began to clear. His hands played with the plush carpet below his body as he realised Buffy was sprawled on her back before him and was staring up at the ceiling. He twisted his head to see what she was staring at and his eyes bulged. Hang high above them was a large ornate chandelier, lit up by various globes of light that seemed to dance around it in an orbital pattern.
"Stop the ceiling, I wanna get off..." Mia groaned from his side.
"Don't think the ceiling is the one moving girl," John groaned himself, turning to look at her. The world gave a huge lurch and he instantly closed his eyes at the onslaught of movement.
^Excuse me, but do you have a reservation?^ The voice spoke up again.
"Please tell me Willow redecorated the campus," Buffy stared at the chandelier. "And added that hovering, glowing monstrosity just to mess with people's expectations of Wicca/Earth Goddess Chic couture."
"Ask her yourself, but if she's had a non-Xander approved contractor in doing shoddy work..." Xander grunted, pushing himself up to his knees. He turned to the person standing next to him and proceeded to blink several times at the being. "Seriously Will, if I find out you hired Concord Construction to install that monstrosity-" he pointed up at the ceiling behind him before stopping abruptly. "-You're not Willow..."
^I'm afraid not Sir,^ the being squeaked at him.
"What the hell is that?" Hailey yelled suddenly noticing the being standing next to them. She tried to throw Mia off of her and pull a weapon from her bag of holding but only managed to tangle herself up even more with the younger slayer.
The being, for he wasn't a man, stood straight at four feet, it was purple skinned and wrinkled, a large white moustache took up half its face, the other half was filled with two sets of eyes and no hair. It bowed slightly, it's left arm bent in front of itself, a napkin draped over its forearm, it's right arm held a small tablet-like device as two small tyrannosaurus-like arms protruded from its chest, each poised to begin tapping the smooth surface. Xander blinked a few more times as he realised it was dressed in a fine black tuxedo with two bow ties, one around its shirt collared neck and another between its two small extra arms.
^Do... You... Have a... Reservation?^ it squeaked out more slowly.
"Huh?" Xander shook his head at the being, one set of its eyes watching Xander, the other not moving from Hailey as she managed to produce a small dagger.
"Where are we?" John growled, finally getting to his feet. Momma managed to stand too and moved closer to John, increasing her size so she was almost eye level with the man as his hand moved to his holster and his S.H.I.E.L.D. particle weapon.
"Don't," she nudged his hand away from the weapon before turning to Hailey. "Put it away."
^Do... You-Oh…^ the purple being suddenly rolled all four of its eyes and huffed. ^Honestly, dealing with un-evolved life forms has got to be the worst part of this job...^
"Why is it squeaking at us Xander," Hailey ignored Momma's order and took a defensive stance, Buffy and John quickly following despite Momma moving casually closer to the being. Buffy grabbed the dagger from Hailey and palmed it into her jacket pocket, now noticing the room at large, her Slayer instincts flaring at all the eyes currently on their group.
"Don't know... But I don't think this is the Coven's Workshop." Xander shook his head. "We, don't, understand..." He gestured about wildly as if he could make up for his lack of language skills with hand movements.
^Of course you don't,^ the being squeaked with a sigh. Rolling his eyes again he turned on his heel and moved to a small podium. Putting the tablet and the napkin down he reached underneath with his two small arms and returned with a tray with several vials on it. ^Here, stick theses...^
But he didn't get a chance to finish before Xander had stood fully and snatched one of the vials from the tray.
"Holy Crap!" He exclaimed, turning the vial over in his hand, careful not to shake its contents. "No way..." He looked down at the being. "No... Way!" He said, a large grin on his face.
"Xander?" Buffy asked, the being trying to offer a vial to her. She stared at the vials before gingerly taking one and the being moved to the others.
Xander looked around the large foyer, finally noticing all the people and beings around them now. There were beings with two heads, five heads, no heads, others with one eye, six eyes, scales, fifteen legs or one leg, giant man like birds and spider beings, cheetah men with dolled up lady lions hanging on their arms, and even, Xander had to smile as there was no other way to describe them, hyper-intelligent shades of the colour blue.
"Xander, why am I holding a vial with a small yellow fish in it?" John asked staring at the two vials the being had insisted he take.
The small being moved in front of Xander and squeaked again having put away the now empty tray and it produced a gold fob watch from its waistcoat, then looked behind Xander and the line of beings waiting to be seated.
"Oh, right!" Xander almost jumped as he began to open the vial. "Ah, reservation, right?" He asked, tipping the vial's contents into his hand, not caring about the water he dripped on the ground. The being nodded as Xander looked at the small yellow fish in his hand, about the size of a piece of whitebait. He studied the impossible creature, noting the way it's yellow scales almost seemed to be painted on, making it look like a caricature or artists rendering of what a fish would look like. Mentally shrugging he nodded to the being. "Try Xander Harris or Buffy Summers, party of six," he hurriedly said, putting the fish in his ear. "Oh, if you've got Zaphod Beeblebrox down there I'm sure he won't mind if we crash his table!" He looked about excitedly.
"No," Momma stopped the small purple being as Xander took one of the vials from John, opened it and put the contents into one of the Hyena's ears. The slimy fish slithered into her ear, the foreignness of it being there causing her to shiver for a second before the feeling disappeared, her ear feeling like it had nothing there at all. "Look under The Set." Momma informed him as Xander instructed the others to do as he did with the vials.
"The Set, very good Ma'am," the purple being said, the Great Hyena and Xander understanding him perfectly now.
"Xander?" Buffy stared at the little yellow fish.
"Oh...!" Hailey stared at the vial. "Oh!" She looked around realising where they were before pointing to a sign several feet away. "Oh my God it is, we're at Milliways!" She jumped up and down on the spot before almost ripping the lid off the vial and putting the Babel Fish into her ear.
The others turned to look at the sign, confused as to why the name made the young girl excited. Xander in turn took the fish from each person and proceeded to put them in Mia, John and Buffy's ears.
"Argh!" They each yelled, shivering at the sensation.
Buffy was about to complain and wrench the fish out when it felt like it disappeared and the little purple being said "Ah yes, here we are, The Set, party of seven," it squeaked, each of the Scoobies now understanding it perfectly. "I'm afraid you have arrived early, but The Set has left a message for you."
"Yes? What does she say?" Momma asked, Buffy, John and Mia staring at the purple being as Xander and Hailey started pointing to the various beings around the foyer.
"The message is a simple one," the being pulled a small card out from the podium. "Sit and order, I will join and explain at The End." He held the card out to Buffy.
The Chosen Slayer just stared at the being before he sighed and handed it to Xander, the man taking it absently and pointing to a bar several feet away.
"Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters," He gestured in awe to two green scaled looking aliens as they raised glasses to the air, clinked them together, drained them and promptly flopped backwards, gripping the bar tightly to stop themselves hitting the floor.
"For the Gentleman, and Miss," The being reappeared and held out two tablet like devices to Xander and Hailey. Each Slayer took a second to realise what they were, but the large friendly letters on the front were unmistakable. "The Set also instructed you both to get a copy of this... Rag." he huffed.
"Wow..." Hailey snatched the device from the being. "It really says 'Don't Panic' on the front!"
"Willow is going to be so jealous when she sees these..." Xander opened up the cover.
~The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a wholly remarkable book...~ the Guide began as Xander paused it and moved to the index. After a couple seconds he found what he was looking for. ~Flying...~ it said as he typed in the corresponding code for the Guide entry. ~There is an art to flying, or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, that presents the difficulties...~
"Ah-hmm" The being irrupted Xander from the Guide entry. "If the ladies and gentlemen would like to follow Mr. Dixle, he will be more than happy to show you to your table where you can continue to read your, *hem*, 'book'." The purple being gestured to a tall, long limbed, orange skinned gentlemen in a matching tuxedo. "And the Universe will explode later for your pleasure."
"What?" John, Buffy and Mia stared at the purple being.
Mr. Dixle directed them to follow him into one of the arms of the starfish looking building and into what would be their dining venue of the restaurant. The room was the biggest dining room they had seen outside of a televised awards night. Tables littered the room in all sorts of sizes and styles, much like the beings that sat around them. The Scoobies didn't know where to look as they worked their way through the room. It seemed that every colour of an insane artists colour wheel had exploded in the room and permanently dyed people's skins. There were orange beings, pink beings, red, yellow, bright green, and fluorescent mauve, some that light seemed to bounce off spectacularly, and others that light seemed to absorb into as they blended into their surroundings, lizard men and cat women, tall scaly things and small furry beings. And all these beings sat at tables, laughing, eating and drinking.
If the beings that occupied the room were amazing to watch, the ceiling was spectacular to behold, hanging above them was a large glass dome. It was thick, and and therefore hard to make out the black void with a mish-mash of colours of its own that was beyond it and yet it still drew your eyes to it as you sat beneath it. It looked desolate, and cold, and yet seemed to give off a intense feeling that it might explode into flames at any second. Several chandeliers like the one in the foyer hovered by the ceiling, moving around the room like orbiting giant jellyfish, deciding on their own to stop above tables for a few seconds before moving off again.
"Here you are Gentlemen," Mr. Dixle waved a long arm to a round table with six seats around it and a small chaise lounge. "Ladies," he pulled out a chair for Buffy, the Slayer still taking in the room at large like everyone else. When it was apparent she wasn't going to sit he turned to Momma and directed her to the lounge. "If Ma'am would like a different seating choice one can be provided." He smiled widely as Momma nodded to him and climbed up, draping her front paws and head on the raised end that faced the table.
"No, this is fine." She replied looking to the others.
"Very good Ma'am." Mr. Dixle the waiter inclined his head in a nod.
Xander and Hailey had already sat down and were eagerly opening drink menus when Momma nipped at Johns hand to get his attention and Mr. Dixle cleared his throat at Buffy and Mia, standing where he had pulled two seats out for the Slayers.
"Ma'am, Miss, if you would like to take your seats." Mia hastily took the offered seat next to Hailey and Buffy eyed him as she took her seat next to Xander, Mr. Dixle pushing her chair in under her. "Now, can I start you off with something to drink?" He asked producing a waiters pad and pen from nowhere.
"I'll have a Pan Galactic-" Hailey began.
"No she won't!" Xander snapped his volume of the wine list closed and looked stern at her. Hailey shrunk a little in her seat at the gaze.
"Ok, gosh, I won't..." she looked back to the drinks menu. "I had to try though..." she whispered behind the menu.
"Ah, Mister Dixie was it?" Buffy asked peering at the waiter.
"Dixle, ma'am." He corrected.
"Can you give us a few minutes please," she looked him up and down.
"Of course ma'am, the time journey can be very disorienting to first timers," he bowed and turned, walking off to attend to another table.
"Ok, what is going on?" Buffy turned to Xander, Hailey and Momma. "Where are we? Why aren't we back on the Magic Box Campus?"
"We, Buffy, as strange as it sounds are at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe," Xander gestured around him. "Which I don't think is IN our Universe."
"So we hopped to a different Universe than our own..." Buffy frowned before getting an angry look on her face. "Again."
"Yes..." Xander reached for her hand and gave it a little squeeze.
"Milliways?" John asked looking down at his drinks list and the restaurants logo along with a small tag line underneath. "If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe" he read aloud. "Weird theme for a restaurant, bit too science fiction for my tastes."
"But that's the thing!" Hailey smiled. "It is from science fiction, all this," she gestured around them. "Is from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."
"It's a book series." Xander clarified.
"It was a radio play first." Hailey added, Xander just gave her a 'I knew that' look, which she ignored. "And a short tv series. It's British," she looked proud as she spoke. "Written by Douglas Adams. Mum and Dad used to read the books to me and my brother. I always loved the idea of flagging down a spaceship to go explore different worlds and aliens...,"
"How do you know about it Xander?" Mia asked.
"Well, I wasn't this cool my whole life," he smiled. "I used to be a geek."
"Still a geek Harris." John laughed, Xander frowning before shrugging and nodding his agreement.
"Something must have happened to the Portal," Buffy mused. "Strange was sending us home-"
"Stark said his instruments read the Zone Radiation as our Universe..." John said still looking around them at the various aliens.
"So what are we doing here?" Hailey asked in a whisper as a party of large green ugly beings were shown to their table, the politician looking aliens were grumbling and complaining the whole while. "Oh wow, Xander look, they have to be Vogons!"
"We are here to meet The Set," Momma said with a huff of nervousness. Everyone turned to her. "Strange was never going to send us home, we may never get home..." she lay her head down on the arm of the lounge. "Warren screwed up," she practically spat the name. "The Set has a task for us."
"The Set?" Buffy frowned. "Who or what is The Set?"
"They are the End." Momma told her as Mr. Dixle returned to the table.
"So, anything to drink?"
After Mr. Dixle left to get their drinks Momma urged everyone to open their menus and decide what they wanted to eat, informing them that everything would be explained at the end of the meal when they met the last of their party. Everyone reluctantly opened their menus and were immediately silenced at the long lists and many, many pages of dishes on offer.
"Whatever you do, don't ask or agree to meet the 'Dish of the Day', you'll regret it..." Xander informed the table.
"Oh, I forgot about that..." Hailey quickly looked at the tables around them, finally spotting a large white and brown rear end of what looked like a cow, if it wasn't for the pig like horned face on the other end, conversing with a table of patrons who were feeling its rump and back.
"Dish of the Day?" Mia asked.
"Ameglian Major Cow, Ma'am," Mr. Dixle reappeared suddenly, drink tray held aloft with his long arm. He made a show of quickly throwing each glass onto the table in front of its corresponding diner without spilling a drop, a feat that would have gotten applause at any other table, but barely raised an eyebrow from the Scoobies who where too bewildered with their surroundings to notice. "It is a mammal specificity breed to want you to eat him. Tonight's Major Cow is Gerald, he's very lovely, loves a chat," he continued when it was apparent they were unimpressed with his glass handling skills. "I can call him over-" he gestured to the animal as it moved to another table.
"NO!" Xander and Hailey said as one.
"I mean, no, no thank you..." Xander deliberately ignored where Mr. Dixle had indicated the Major Cow was. "I'm sure he's nice, but that won't be necessary."
"As you wish," he smiled sweetly before turning to the table at large. "Now, have we decided on an entrée?"
"Who have we got in tonight?" The Master of Ceremonies, Max Quordlepleen, asked with a sigh before downing a bright green liquid. He was slumped in his makeup chair, leaning forward as the green liquid burned down his throat to give him a nice warm glow in his chest. The feeling of warmth radiated out to the rest of his body, but it didn't show on his face, which still looked forlorn and tired.
"The usual I'm afraid," the stage manager, Peesht handed him a list of names.
"Oh Belgium, not the Norse again..." Max read through the list. "I'll introduce them first, stop them from getting riled up in case they think I forgot them." He paused, re-reading a set of names. "Is this correct?" He pointed at the list before he picked up the bottle from the makeup table and poured himself another shot and downed it.
Peesht looked at him strangely, his floppy skin shaking slightly on his bat like face before he took a look at his own copy of the list on his clipboard. "Who?" He scanned the paper.
"Them," Max pointed again, the warmth of his second drink again radiating out into his extremities, but still it did not show on his face.
"The Chosen One and the Scoobies..." Peesht scratched his bat like ear before adjusting his headset and microphone. "As far as I know. Eedwhrd had just informed me they had been seated just before I bought the list to you. I believe they are seated in Dixle's section, oh, ah, they are waiting for one more party to join them." he remembered as he flicked though a couple pages of his clip board. "Ah, The Set, whoever he is, isn't there yet, but front of house says they aren't going to be here for the show, so it shouldn't be a problem."
Max just stared at the man-like bat thing that was his Stage Manager, not sure he had heard what he had. He was about to ask him when Peesht's headset crackled before someone spoke on the other end. As Peesht answered he decided he needed a third drink and proceeded to pour himself a double.
"No, I told you last time, if Zarquon wants to be part of the show he has to show up to rehearsal." Peesht raised a webbed hand to his headset. "Second Coming or no Second Coming, no rehearsal, no stage time, if I let every yahoo on stage who skipped rehearsal we might as well set up a Karaoke Machine and be done with it." the headset crackled again as someone answered him.
"The Set is coming..." Max shook his head as the drink warmed him again, this time the warmth radiated on his face. "And the Slayers are meeting her..." he smiled. "The damage is going to be fixed, finally."
"What do you mean he's technically not here yet?" Peesht almost yelled into his headset. "Well it goes double for his believers, just because they want a proper Second Coming of the Holy Prophet Zarquon doe not mean I'm going to put him on the setlist and just hope he shows up." the headset crackled once more before Peesht relaxed. "Thank you Damian."
Peesht gave a sigh, rolling his eyes at the actions of his assistant before turning back to Max. He was a bit startled to see Max looking almost happy, and not the usual fake happiness he put on for the punters onstage. He was putting on his make up with a vigour he hadn't seen in his friend in a long time. 'Then again,' he thought to himself. 'Its hard to get worked up over anything when you see the end of existence every day, over and over and over again.'
"Peesht," Max looked at the man-bat alien in the mirror, a large grin on his face. "Tonight is going to be a night to remember..."
"That's nice Max," Peesht smiled back at him. "Ok, fifteen minute warning," he looked at a wall mounted chronometer before heading out of the dressing room.
"And if I'm right," Max smiled as he paused to look at himself. "Hopefully the last!" He returned to applying his make up, his last comment heard by no one as Peesht immediately began shouting at stage hands as the door closed.
"This is really good," Buffy almost moaned as she ate another mouthful of white truffle risotto. "Xander, you have to try this..." she offered her spoon to him.
"I'm good." Xander declined, cutting into his plate size ribeye, the equally large bowl of mash potato and butter next to it attacked as well.
"All the vastness of dishes they had on the menu, and of the few we actually recognise, you still got mash potatoes..." Buffy rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe I had to describe what a potato was to Mr. Dixle," Xander stuck his tongue out at Buffy as he moved the bowl away from her as if to horde them.
"Leave him alone," John huffed as he chewed on his own mouthful of steak. "Least they had potatoes to mash." he huffed taking a sip of his bourbon, or at least what they had that passed for bourbon.
"It's not their fault they didn't have bacon bits for your baked potato," Xander laughed. "This isn't Outback Steakhouse."
"It just ain't the same..." John huffed again.
"I agree, menu could be more considerate." Momma said as she ate another cube of meat from her plate.
"Momma, I love you," Mia made a face. "But if they had brought you Gerald's actual ribcage, I don't think I could stomach eating at the same table as you."
"Yeah..." Hailey agreed, raising a fork in salute.
"It would have been a better last meal..." she pushed the plate away with her snout and laid her head on the armrest of her lounge.
"Last meal?" each of them repeated, stopping in their eating to stare at their food and then to the Great Hyena.
Whatever Momma was going to say in answer was drowned out as the band began to play faster, and the lights dimmed, the roaming chandeliers retreating from the dining room and out into the foyer. A spotlight lit up a section of stairs that lead up to a stage ten tables away and a tall, thin, brightly sparkled man bound up the stairs, pausing with his arms spread, milking the applause the tables before him were giving him. He took a few steps forward, waving and smiling and reacting to those in the audience he acknowledged as if they were long lost friends. After a few moments of him greeting the crowd in this way, and applause still ringing forth he swept passed the microphone stand and removed the microphone. He plastered a large wide smile that was genuine for the first time in over countless performances (Which Max could give the actual number if anyone cared to ask him).
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen!" He said warmly for the first time. "Thank you very much." he bowed slightly, his slicked back, black hair shining as it caught the spotlight. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he spoke seriously, straightening back up. "The Universe as we know it has now been in existence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million billion years," he gave them a cheeky smile. "Give or take a million or two..." he laughed along with the audience. "And it will be ending in a little over half an hour. So welcome one and all to Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!"
He threw his hands up in the air with a flourish and the crowd again broke into applause. With another wave it died down just as quickly as it started.
"I am your host for tonight," he paused, striking his famous pose. "My name is Max Quordlepleen and I've just come straight from the very, very other end of time at the Big Bang Burger Bar," he rolled his eyes slightly as he recited the script he had performed so many times he could do it in his sleep, and there was a couple times when he had actually been asleep while he performed it. "Where I can tell you we had a very exciting evening ladies and gentlemen, and I will be with you right through this historic occasion, the End of History itself!"
At the end of the sentence the band hushed, a solo drum roll the only sound as the lights continued to dim, candles on all the tables igniting themselves to joint gasps and claps around the hall. The gasps happened again as the ceiling dome above the collective diners began to shimmy and fade to show more of the last of the Universe as it swirled outside. As the gasps and ohhh's died down the band began to play quietly.
"So ladies and gentlemen, the candles are lit, the band plays softly," Max whispered into his microphone. "And as the force-shielded dome above us fades into transparency, revealing a dark and sullen sky hung heavy with the ancient light of livid swollen stars, I can see we're all in for a fabulous evening's Apocalypse!" He smiled sadly, his eyes landing on the table the Scoobies were sitting at.
He quickly looked away from the Scoobies as several of them started at his words, others at other tables doing the same. It was always easy to figure out who either had never been to the restaurant, or those who had never even heard of the special fine dining eatery. The room hushed as people were calmed down or told to just enjoy the show and not take things so literal. The Force-shield finally finished its transformation as a light bathed the dining room in a disturbing glow that can only be found at the end of time. Everyone sat in silence as they took in the sight being shown above them.
"For those of you who ever hoped to see the light at the end of the tunnel," Max whispered again, his voice traveling over all those in attendance. "This is it."
The band began to play again, the start of some top of the pop number from some far off arm of the galaxy.
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I'll be back with you in just a moment, and meanwhile our next act I have been told are nothing to be alarmed about ladies and gentlemen, Peesht my Stage Manager has assured me the Krikkit men are only programmed for backup harmonies!" Max laughed as some patrons gasped at the word 'Krikkit'. "Allow me to introduce, Sowadee and the Bail Seekers!" Max clapped his hands together, the audience paying attention to the stage now slowly joining in, some halfheartedly.
A small man with a large bouffant hairdo, white leather pants and a shirt unbuttoned to his navel ran out onto stage, grabbing the microphone from Max's hand and let out a wail of a note to start the song. As the spotlight glittered off the long gold chains that dangled down his hairy chest three robots in white metal armoured Krikkit pads joined him as three microphone stands were placed in front of them and they began to harmonise along with the song.
Max on the other hand had quickly left the stage, his face relaxing from his stage persona to look more somber. He debated what he was going to do next, looking back out at the crowd from behind the wing of the stage. He never went out into the crowd, never. The only interaction he ever wanted from them was the applause, and even then that was only because they had nothing else to offer him. But now... He looked through the curtain at the table the Scoobies were sitting at, each of them returning to their meals. They were here, his hearts skipped a beat for a second as he stared at the empty chair.
"They really are here to meet the Set..." he whispered to himself.
Max grasped the curtain, as if to move beyond it and out amongst the tables.
"No, no," he chastised himself. "You do not walk around like a cheap cabaret host," he slapped his own hand from gripping the curtain. "You are an artist! They can come to you."
They ignored the big haired small man as he sang his set list, instead they each turned back to Momma, the Hyena almost sulking, her head laying on her arms.
"Can we get back to what you said Em?" John asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Last meal?"
"That is what it feels like... I was a good mate was I not John?" She asked, a sad look on her face. "We were not together because we were alone, right?"
"What?" John leaned in closer. "No, we are together because we love each other, and the boy." He rubbed his forehead against hers, the hyena looking up at his eyes before looking to Xander.
"You still care about me even if I never look like her again...?" she whispered.
"I'll be with you till my last breath. We said we would be mates forever." John wiped a tear from her large eyes. "What brought this on?" He whispered back.
"The End is near..." at his quizzical look she just sighed. "The Set will reveal all Soldier." Momma smiled, her eyes sad and yet, there was a twinkle in them. "I am just nervous, I am being silly..."
"That's a first," John laughed, Momma sharing a smile.
"Ignore me. Please, enjoy your meals."
"Momma..." Xander pressed, as they all stared at the strange couple.
"The Set has a task for us. The Sorcerer Supreme informed me just who he had been in conversation with on his journey." she told them. "I am not equiped at the moment to help and I am not sure I am up to the gifts she has to offer... Or if I will still survive it if I am."
"Momma?" Xander reached for the Hyena.
"Cub..." she sighed. "I will sacrifice my body to become her again, to wield the power, but I don't know if..." she shook her head, her voice dying in her throat before nodding her head as the tables around them began to clap and cheer, the song having ended and Max reappearing on stage.
"Wonderful, wonderful!" Max clapped as he took the mic back. "Sowadee and the Bail Seekers!" The small man bowed, his three companions straightened up and gave a salute, producing Krikkit bats from no where and resting them on their shoulders to much gasps of fright before nervous laughing joined the clapping. "And now, ladies and gentlemen," he beamed, "Is everyone having one last wonderful time?" There were several shouts of affirmation from various tables, most notably from a section that seemed to have some kind of strobe lighting near them. "That's excellent," enthused Max, "Absolutely excellent. And as the photon storms gather in swirling clouds around us, preparing to tear apart the last of the red hot suns, I know you're all going to settle back and enjoy with me what I know we will find all an immensely exciting and terminal experience."
His eye twinkled just like he had been trained to do all those years ago.
"Believe me, ladies and gentlemen," he said, "There's nothing penultimate about this one." He paused, a smile on his face as he surprised himself. He was actually enjoying himself, the crowd was with him in his excitement. "This," he paused for dramatic effect, "Really is the absolute end, the final chilling desolation, in which the whole majestic sweep of creation becomes extinct. This ladies and gentlemen is the proverbial 'ìt'.
"After this," he said, "There is nothing. Void. Emptiness. Oblivion. Absolute nothing ..." he did his eye twinkle again, catching the eye of a very busty fuchsia skinned being. "Nothing..." he winked at her. "Except of course for the sweet trolley, and a fine selection of Aldebaran liqueurs!"
The drummer gave him a cymbal sting and the audience roared with laughter, much to the bewilderment of the Scoobies who were half paying attention, half watching Momma and wondering why she was acting this strangely.
"And now," Max said, strutting about the stage, "At the risk of putting a damper on the wonderful sense of doom and futility here this evening, I would like to welcome a few parties." He pulled a card from his pocket, a few tables around the room smartened themselves up at the prospect of being introduced.
"Do we have ..." he put up a hand to hold back the cheers, "Do we have ... A party of minor deities from the Halls of Asgard?" Almost instantly, away to his right came a rumble of thunder. Lightning arced across the stage, zapping a scorch mark next to Max. A small group of hairy men in armour and helmets sat looking very pleased with themselves, and raised their glasses to the sky, spilling mead as they did.
"Careful with that hammer, sir," Max joked with a cheeky grin. He turned back to the audience at large and noticed the Scoobies craning their necks to see the table he had mentioned. Deciding to ask about that later he turned back to his card. He didn't really need to refer to it, but it helped to play the part at times. "The Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne? Are they here?"
Cheering came from the back, but Max pretended not to hear, looking around the room. He raised a hand to shield his eyes from the spotlight, "Are they here?" he asked again, to elicit a louder cheer. It worked as the cheering got much louder and he played up finally spotting them. "Ah, there they are. Well, last bids lads - and no cheating, remember this is a very solemn moment."
Laughter greeted him and he smiled to reassure the crowd. "Now, we have a very, very special party in tonight ladies and gentlemen, a group I have been looking forward too for a long time," He paused and looked out to a section of the room. "And I'm not talking about the party of believers, very devout believers, from the Church of the Third Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon." He laughed, the crowd joining him as he gestured to a table of twenty robed people, each sipping mineral water nervously, and staying apart from the festivities. They blinked resentfully as the spotlight was turned on them.
"There they are," said Max, "Sitting there, patiently. He said he'd come once again, even after he botched up his Second Coming didn't he? Here's hoping it won't happen again, because he's only got five minutes left!" Again the crowd joined in on the joke, laughing as the robed believers tried not to take it personally.
"No, no, I apologise my friends, that was a cheap blow..." he paused and closed his eyes. "I have been waiting for this party to arrive for a long time, dreading their arrival," he lied to the crowd, a sad look on his face. "As, with their arrival tonight, it will mean the end of my residency here at Milliways." He said sadly, hamming it up for the crowd as many of them voiced their displeasure at this news. "Ladies and gentlemen, please, please, this has been a long time coming and don't blame my new friends. When they arrived here they did not know that tonight will be my final performance anywhere."
The crowd now were calling out, some standing as they made their displeasure known. Xander was strangely intrigued, as his spider sense was flaring, but not as if something was going to attack, more like something was going to be revealed.
"I know ladies and gentlemen, I know, I know..." Max nodded to a table, one of the diners, a humanoid yellow skinned woman, openly crying at the news. "It is sad, but all things must come to an end, we're all to familiar with that here at Milliways. But as always we'll be going out with a bang!" he yelled with a smile, some of the audience letting out similar yells. "So, with a big, warm applause I would like to welcome, the one, the only..." he paused as he smirked. "Well, I guess she isn't the only one..." He laughed. "The Chosen Slayer herself," Buffy's face went white as a spotlight fell on their table, and more specifically her. "Buffy Summers and her Scooby companions!"
Buffy froze, the spotlight illuminating her as the tables around her clapped and cheered, a few muttering as they asked their table mates who the blonde woman under the spotlight was exactly.
"Yes ladies and gentleman, we get all sorts here at MIlliways! Even Television Characters!" Max laughed, the crowd joining him. "And you thought it was a treat when The Doctor joined us that one time huh?" Max asked an enthusiastic large silver skinned man as he clapped and stood to better see Buffy and her table.
"Xander," Buffy said through her teeth as she smiled awkwardly and waved to the other tables. "What is going on?"
"I don't know..." Xander waved too, not sure what to do. "Momma?"
"I only know we meet The Set," Momma growled at the clapping.
"It's marvellous though," Max continued with his script, turning from Buffy's table and to the room at large. "To see so many of you here tonight, for my last show." he smiled. "Because I know that so many of you come here time and time again, which I think is really wonderful, to come and watch this final end of everything, and then return home to your own eras... And raise families, strive for new and better societies, fight terrible wars for what you know to be right..." he paused looking around the room. "It really gives one hope for the future of all lifekind. Except of course," he waved to the glass dome above them and the last of the swirling, tumbling, star stuffs. "That we know it hasn't got one...!"
The room laughed at the joke, even as Max seemed to get forlorn and the Scoobies looked around them uneasy at everyone's blasé take on the end of time.
"Are we safe?" Mia asked Hailey.
"In general, no," Hailey took a sip of her drink, then smiled at her joke. "But here, in this restaurant, yes, we are." At the look Mia gave her she elaborated. "The whole asteroid the restaurant sits on is enveloped by a time bubble. As the end of everything happens around it, the restaurant is in a sort of timeloop. The universe ends, and then the bubble pulls the restaurant back in time to witness the whole Gnab Gib again and again for people to enjoy as they eat."
"Gnab Gib?" Mia asked, puzzled.
"Its the opposite of a Big Bang Mia." Xander clarified. "Don't ask what that is exactly, the books don't really go into too much detail about it."
"Which is a shame," Hailey sat back and looked up at the dome. "It does look pretty amazing..."
"Yeah," several of the others agreed as they too looked up.
"An interesting effect to watch for," Max's voice seemed to draw everyone's attention. "is in the upper lefthand quadrant of the sky, where if you look very carefully, you can see the star system Hastromil, boiling away into the ultra-violet." there were several groans and a couple outcries of panic at his words. "I guess I don't need to ask if there is anyone from Hastromil in tonight..." he said solemnly. "But don't worry, it's too late to worry about whether you left the gas on now!" he said cheerfully to much laughter.
"But now is not the time for thinking about the stove!" Max moved to the centre of the stage and placed his microphone into a mic stand. "The moment you've all been waiting for!" he flung his arms into the air as a piece of debris over them collided into another with a large and bright explosion. The band took the explosion as their cue to move into a frenzy of percussion and rolling synthochords. Max gave the band the stink eye as they tried to upstage him once more.
"The Skies begin to boil!" Max yelled. "Nature collapses into the screaming void!" He raised his voice. "In Twenty seconds time, the Universe itself will be at an end! See where the light of infinity bursts upon us!"
The sky-show above them moved on, swirling and mixing, more and more explosions happening, each one seeming to be getting smaller and smaller as the mish mash of cosmic bodies seemed to be shrinking on itself.
"And with one solemn flash..." Max whispered, the band finally stopping their playing, the music simply dying away as the room got quiet and hushed. "The End of Everything is Upon Us!"
"IT'S ABOUT TIME!" a voice seemed to carry itself across every table.
Max frowned as this had never happened before in the endless performances he had performed at the restaurant.
"She is here." Momma informed the table.
"Who?" Xander asked the Hyena.
"Me..."
Author's Note: A new Universe for the Scoobies to explore, but why are they there? Who is this mysterious Set and why are they meeting Him/Her/It? Brand new questions to be answered... Eventually.
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