Okay. This is going to be completely different for me and maybe a bit 'risky'. Please bear with me.
Ecklie is a bad man; remember that as you read this. Be gentle, its just a crazy plot...
Again, I own nothing.
Chapter ONE: Spiraling
Sara Sidle sat in her small office at the Las Vegas Crime Lab, repeatedly tossing a small rubber ball across the room and catching it deftly as it bounced back to her. She had been sitting doing just this for nearly two hours and watched the clock as the hours ticked by and he would come in.
Fuck it. It's not like she cared.
Really.
She had driven most of the night, charging around the city with her stereo blaring. Anything, she felt, just to drown out her thoughts. She had gone to her apartment to sleep for a few hours and when sleep did not come, she left again and had finally ended up here, at the crime lab, sitting in her office and tossing a ball against the wall.
"I'm not sure about this anymore, Sara." They had just made love, falling together as their physical explosions culminated, collapsing into each others arms as they let their breathing settle.
"About what?" She had asked, her face snuggled against his neck, breathing in the musky scent of his cologne; the subtle scent of sex on his skin.
"I care about you, Sara." He said. "But, I think that we should... I just think..." He faltered. "That maybe...us...we...maybe we should...stop."
Sara felt her heart stop. She actually felt it quit beating as she absorbed his words. "What?" She managed, not moving her head.
He pulled away to look down at her. "Sara, I just think that we need to take a break for awhile...I think we need some time..."
She sat up. "What?"
"Honey..." He reached out to gently touch her cheek. "Please listen..."
She was suddenly angry, slapping his arm away from her. "So, did you strategically plan this so you'd get laid first BEFORE you told me to get out?"
"What?" He said, momentarily confused as she threw the covers back "Sara..." He begged as she jumped from the bed, yanking a drawer open to find some jeans. "No..." He sighed in frustration "I'm not asking you to get out...I didn't plan this..."
She laughed. A bitter, snarled laugh that ended in a sob. "Sure." She said quietly. "Sure you didn't." She yanked a sweatshirt over her head, storming from the room to find her car keys and some shoes. She could hear him in the bedroom, knew he was coming after her and so she moved quickly, sliding her feet into a pair of slip on shoes before yanking the door open.
He grabbed her arm. "Please, just listen Sara..." He said as the cold night air washed into the townhouse. "My timing is..." he faltered "I'm not good at this. I don't want you to leave like this, I just...I need... I need SPACE"
"Well, hey..." She said tearfully as she yanked her arm away. "Whatever it takes to make your life easy...that's pretty much what I've been doing since I got to Vegas. Why change now?" She turned and left, climbing in her car to speed out of the driveway, leaving him standing in the doorway watching her go.
He came in early, standing in her doorway to watch her quietly. Two years; he felt like he was throwing away two years of his life. In actuality, it had been so much longer than that. He loved Sara; he knew that. But everything about them, their entire relationship, was wrong; he knew that as well.
He wasn't sure exactly when things began to change. He had loved Sara more than anything in his life, there had been times when he thought he would die without seeing her face, without hearing her voice, without touching her skin. He had become completely absorbed in her, utterly infatuated and dangerously close to the edge on more than one occasion.
It came to the point that he could not do his job, he could not think when she was around. He lost control when he watched Greg whisper in her ear, or Nick sling an arm around her to kiss her cheek. He never sent her to a case with any of them, not even Warrick, instead he had kept her with him, holding her close to him so no one else could touch. He had become, he realized, completely obsessed.
That obsession had taken action a few weeks before. Sara had gone after work to Nick's apartment to watch a football game with he and Greg; it had been a tradition of theirs and normally a non-issue for Gil. He trusted her, after all, and they had been her friends and co-workers long before he had been her lover.
It wasn't like any of them even knew that Sara and Gil were involved; it was completely against protocol and totally against the rules. He was so much older than she was and he was her boss. As far as either Nick or Greg knew, Sara was a single woman. And, for Gil, that was a problem.
She didn't come home and as the hours ticked away, he became increasingly agitated. Finally, she came in, laughing and giddy to tell him about the game and the bet she lost to Nick and how Greg passed out on the floor among a pile of potato chips. She had had to take a taxi back because she'd lost the beer guzzling game too many times and had actually thought of sleeping on the floor next to Greg.
She had been happy and he had lost it. Lecturing her about appropriate behavior and expectations and how she had crossed the line. If she was with him, he said, she needed to be more responsible. She had stared at him, stung, and had stormed from the townhouse, taking a taxi back to her apartment.
She didn't come back for a week and refused to speak to him at work unless it had to do with a case.
The rift between them had already started and everything seemed to cascade downhill from there.
To Gil it felt like they may never recover.
"Hey." He said from the doorway, making her drop the rubber ball she had been playing with.
She didn't turn around, instead bent down to pick the ball up, throwing it against the wall.
"Sara." He tried again. She threw the ball with such force that it ricocheted from the wall, smashing into a small lamp across the room. The lamp hit the floor with a loud thump. Sara sighed, stood up and turned around.
The minute he saw her eyes, her beautiful chocolate eyes, he was hit with great remorse. God, he loved her; what was he doing? "Sara..." He whispered softly.
She leveled him with her gaze, storming past him as her arm knocked against his. She did not stop, but continued out of the room and down the hallway, leaving him staring into the empty room.
He fumbled through assignments, his gaze turning towards her as he tried to focus on the task at hand. She refused to look at him, did not even acknowledge his presence even when he called her name.
"I'm with Nick." She said suddenly as he began laying out the cases.
He glanced up at her, but she refused to look at him, her focus sternly on the magazine in her lap. "Actually, Sara..." He replied. "You're with me."
She sighed heavily and the others looked over at her as she looked up at Gil, a bitter laugh escaping her. "No, I'm not."
He opened his mouth, furrowed his eyebrows, and closed his mouth again. "I'm sorry, Sidle. But that is not how it works. You are with me, Nick is with Greg."
She glared at him and could feel the eyes of the others burn through her as they looked back and forth between the two of them. She stood up, tossing the magazine onto the table. "Fine." She said with a slight attempt at a smile. "Then I guess you're working alone."
With that she walked out of the room and directly to the locker room. Gil stood silently, not sure if he should follow her or stay. Deciding it best to leave it alone, he looked around the room. "Anyone else have an objection?"
Nick shook his head as Greg tried to look invisible. Warrick simply crossed his arms in front of him in compliance. "Good then." Gil said. "Get to work."
Once the others were out of the room, Catherine looked at him. "What the hell was that all about?"
He said nothing, shoving his hands in his pockets as he sighed. "Nothing, Catherine." He said finally, turning around and leaving the room.
Sara slammed her locker, sitting on the bench as she took a few stabilizing breaths. She had begun to sob and was having a difficult time getting herself under control. "Stop it." She told herself. "Just stop it."
She was just grabbing her purse to leave when Catherine came in, nearly colliding with her as she headed for the door.
"Whoah..." Catherine said, holding her hand up. "What are you doing?"
"I..." Sara said with emphasis. "Am going home."
Catherine shook her head, letting out an exasperated breath. "You think you can just have a little temper tantrum and disrespect your supervisor...and get away with it?"
Sara looked down, biting her lip as she struggled with her rising anger. "No, Catherine." She finally said as a tear fell from her eye. "I am sure you'll see to that." She gave a slight nod as she left the room, deciding that she really needed a drink.
He sat at his desk, head in his hands, as he willed her out of his mind. It had been a very long shift and he had tried to call her a few times; she would not answer her phone. What would he have said to her if she had of? I'm sorry? Forgive me? I'm an ass?
Either way, it didn't change his decision and what he knew he needed to do. If he did not slow himself down now, he would plunge over the edge and take her down with him. He could not allow that to happen; he just had to get her to listen so that he could explain. If only she would answer the damn phone.
"What the hell is up with Sidle?" Gil's head snapped up at the sound of Ecklie's voice. The Assistant Director stood in the doorway, glaring in at him.
"It's under control, Conrad." Gil sighed, picking up his pen in an attempt to look busy.
"Yeah." Ecklie smirked. "I'm sure it is." He came into the room to stand in front of Gil's desk. Gil glanced up at him quickly, looking back down to the papers in front of him; he just wanted the man to go away. "Listen, Gil..." Ecklie began as he sat in the chair across from him. "I know you like Sidle. I know she gets to you. But her behavior today..." He shrugged. "I cannot allow it to happen again."
Gil dropped the pen, looking up at him. "Is that all?" He asked. "Because I have a lot of paperwork to do."
"One of your CSI's walked off the job, Grissom." Ecklie lectured. "Sidle is an attitude problem and I expect disciplinary action; immediately." He stood up, glaring down at Gil. "If you do not deal with this, I will." He strode to the door, turning around to smirk at Gil. "Problems in the bedroom lead to problems at work, Gil. I suggest you remember that."
Gil sat stunned, feeling as though he had been punched in the gut. Ecklie knew. All of their attempts to be careful and his boss knew. Damn it
He stormed into Catherine's office, scaring her so badly that she knocked files onto the floor. "The next time you go charging to Ecklie because you have a problem with my supervisory skills," He fumed angrily. "I suggest you mind your own damn business."
She looked at him, shock clear on her face. "It had nothing to do with you, Gil." She replied, her voice wavering. "Sara was out of line..."
"Sara," He spat. "Is my problem and I don't need your help, or Ecklie's help, in dealing with her. Stay out of my business Catherine and butt out where you're not wanted."
She sat open mouthed as he stormed from the room, slamming her office door as he left.
Sara lay on her couch, staring up at the ceiling. She had gone to Gil's and collected her things after work, moving quickly so that she could finish before he got home. It had taken far longer than she planned; two years worth of accumulated items.
There were so many pictures, frame after frame, of the two of them together. She wasn't sure what to do with them and so she had simply dumped them all in the trash. Lying here now, she deeply regretted that choice.
She missed him. God, she missed him.
Of course she saw him every shift at work, but he was careful to avoid her; never chancing assigning her to work with him. Instead he would assign her to work solo or keep her at the lab processing critical evidence. But, he never put them together and seemed to be on eggshells whenever she was around.
"Good" She thought. "Make him sweat it for awhile."
A knock at the door drew her away from the interesting ceiling crack she'd been studying and she went to the door, peeping through to see Gil on the other side. She thought for a moment about not opening the door, about telling him to go to hell, about just dumping everything of his out the window and telling him he could pick it up off of the street.
Instead, she opened the door.
He stared at her, his brilliant blue eyes full of emotion. He looked, Sara realized, tormented. "Hi, Sara." He said softly, his voice doing little to hide what he was feeling.
She stood unsure of what to do and just looked at him. "I don't have any boxes for your things." She finally sputtered out. "So, I hope you brought some."
He looked stunned for a moment, gazing at her like a hurt little boy. "No," He shook his head slightly. "No, Sara...that's not why I'm here...can I come in?"
She paused. After a moment she sighed and stepped back, letting him enter. He looked around timidly before turning to her. "Sara...we really need to talk."
Crossing her arms, she sighed again. "Not much to talk about, is there?" She said. "I mean, you pretty much laid it out for me."
She saw the flicker in his eyes and thought for a moment that she saw tears, but he swallowed hard, looked at the floor and then back up at her. "Sara..." He said softly, taking a step forward. "I need you to listen to me..." He reached out and gently took her hand, looking down at it as he did. "Please, Sara...just listen to me?"
She felt her reserves crumbling and she nodded. He led her to the couch, the same couch they had made love on who knew how many times, and they sat down facing one another. He held onto her hands as he studied them, rubbing his thumbs over the soft surfaces of their backs. Glancing up, he caught her eyes with his and he was lost momentarily. She was beautiful and he loved her so very much; how could he make her understand that when he was breaking her heart?
"Sara," He began, trying desperately to find words. "You know that I...I have a hard time...with expressing my feelings...and I don't..." He searched for the words. "I don't handle emotional situations well." He looked up and saw her observing him, waiting for more. "The last thing I ever want to do, is hurt you. But, perhaps more than that...I can't stand the thought of losing you...and in order to keep from doing that, I have to get control of myself...because if I don't I will push you away and I will destroy everything that we have."
"What do we have?" She asked him sharply "A relationship that we keep in the dark? Secret dinners? Dates where no one will see us? Great sex?" She tossed her arms out from her side "Other than that, what do we have? You called it off, Gil. Let's just leave it at that"
He was quiet "I don't want to just leave it at that"
"Then what do you want?" Again, she was sharp "Because I cannot keep playing these head games with you, Gilbert...I just can't..."
"I don't know" he replied feebly, hands in his pockets as he looked to the floor
"Well, I don't either" She replied "But I can't keep being your puppet while you figure it out"
Nodding, he reached out for her hand and pulled her with him to the couch. They sat and after a few minutes he began telling her what he had been feeling, beginning slowly, explaining to her that he had suddenly become utterly consumed with her. He told her that he could not stand for her to be with any other person other than him, that he wanted her with him all of the time, that he had somehow become completely obsessed. He knew, he said, that if he did not take a step back that he would drive her away and that until he got control of himself, he thought the best solution was to give them some space.
"I know that at times I seem distant...self-absorbed...selfish..." He said thoughtfully "But..I've never really been in love before...and I don't know how to deal with it." He tried a small smile, continuing. "If I continued on like I was, I would suffocate and drown you...and I would lose you; forever." He squeezed her hand. "I couldn't live if I lost you. I just need you to please be patient and let me slow down a little, before I pull us both down...I believe I am completely out of control"
She nodded slowly. "Okay." She said softly. "Okay...so, now what?"
"No seeing other people" He replied quickly "We are not, after all, breaking up"
She smiled "Damn...there went my 5 o'clock dinner date...."
He held her close as they sat on her couch, cuddled together as the understanding settled in on her. After awhile, she pulled back to look at him. "I threw our pictures away."
He smiled, brushing a stray hair out of her face. "I know...I took them all out of the trash."
She lay back down against him, snuggling up against his chest. "Are you going to take all of your things?"
He shook his head. "No." He said softly, kissing her forehead. "Because I am not really leaving."
"Okay...." She looked up at him again "Just so we're clear...is this like friends with benefits?"
He laughed as she lay back against him and he found himself wondering if he should tell her about Ecklie, about how their entire relationship was about to be blown wide open? As he felt her relax, snuggled closely against his chest, he decided against it. After all, what could Ecklie do?
"Sidle," Ecklie barked as he stood in the locker room door. "My office...NOW."
Sara sighed, looking over at Catherine. They had just finished a 15-hour shift and she was exhausted.
"Damn." She muttered as she put her vest into her locker.
"Sara," Catherine called as she reached the door. "For what it is worth, I'm sorry."
"Not nearly as sorry as I am." Sara replied with a smile as she walked towards Ecklie's office. She went passed Gil's office, but it was dark; he had gone home hours before. There was a mandatory 4-hour power outage scheduled for routine maintenance and Ecklie had ordered everyone it seemed, had logged out early this evening due to the mandatory evacuation order. She could hear Catherine's heels pounding the floor as she also headed home. That left Sara alone, completely, with Ecklie.
Shit.
"Sit down, Sidle." He barked as she stood in the doorway. She entered tentatively, standing just behind the chair. "Sit." He ordered again as he closed and locked the office door. She complied, sitting in the chair as she held her jacket in a ball in her lap.
He continued what he was doing for nearly five minutes, not looking up or acknowledging her presence in anyway. She was about to speak when he finally looked up, surveying her with a gaze that made her uncomfortable. "You have been quite a difficulty." He said smoothly as he stared at her.
She shrugged. "Not that I have been told." She replied coolly.
He continued staring at her, his eyes flickering up and down her body as though he were a child looking at an ice cream cone. "You and Gil...uh...having problems?"
"I'm sorry?" She swallowed, thinking perhaps that she had misunderstood him.
"You know...in the bedroom? He is a little old for you..." He was smirking, rocking back and forth slightly in his reclined position. "You decide you needed more excitement?"
Sara stared at him, feeling her heart rate increase. "You know, Ecklie..." She said as she stood up. "I don't have time for this game of yours...if you want to discipline me, discipline me. But I am not playing a game with you."
She had made it to the door when suddenly he was behind her, grabbing her so roughly that she cried out in shock. He flung her against the wall, turning her around to face him. "Listen, Sidle." He snickered, his breath fanning her hair as his face loomed inches from hers. She could smell the whiskey on his breath. "I know all about you and Grissom; I know that you have been fucking him for years." His grip on her arm was painful and she tried to yank away from him, her fear radiating up her spine. He grabbed her around the throat, slamming her hard against the wall. "Don't even think of trying to play with me, little girl." He seethed. "You will not win. I can blow the cover on this whole affair of yours; and I think you know how you can keep me quiet...the same way you have kept Grissom quiet."
She stared at him as he applied pressure to her neck. She had to be dreaming; this was a bad dream. There was no way this was happening; it wasn't real. She caught her breath in horror as he leaned in, licking her cheek. "You taste good, Sidle." He whispered. "I think I'd like some more..." He suddenly put his lips against hers, his hand dropping from her arm to explore her breast.
Sara panicked. Before she realized it, she had lifted her knee and caught him directly in the crotch. He pulled away with a cry of pain, letting go of her as she tried to push passed him. He reeled, hitting her so hard that everything went momentarily black, Sara's world transformed briefly by bright stars and unrelenting pain. She fell and could feel him grabbing at her and she screamed, kicking blindly as she scrambled across the floor.
What the hell was going on??
He dropped on top of her, holding her down as she squirmed. "Who are you going to tell, bitch?" He breathed as he ground against her. "Who is going to believe you?" To Sara's horror, he reached down to work the snap on her jeans.
Oh hell no. Sara thought wildly, realizing what was about to happen. She screamed repeatedly, fighting his hands and bucking against his weight, trying to throw him off of her.
"No one will hear you." He whispered as he undid the zipper. "I sent them all home...Scream all you want..." He seethed. "I like it...I like hearing Sara Sidle scream...I want you to beg, Sidle...beg me to stop...beg me to keep quiet...beg me..."
She spit on him. Momentarily thrown off guard, he suddenly had her around the throat again, squeezing as heard as he could. He watched as her eyes widened, knowing that if he waited long enough she would stop moving all together. The fear in her eyes excited him even more and he didn't know if he could hold back much longer; he had never been so turned on in his entire life.
"Tell anyone," He seethed. "I'll be sure that your boyfriend loses everything...what you're doing is against policy, Sidle...fucking your way to the top only works if you start at the top." He had her blouse and was pulling at it with his spare hand, nearly entangling her arms with the fabric. He managed to disconnect her bra, exposing her bare breasts to his wide and eager eyes.
As he brought his face down, Sara felt a surge of adrenaline rush through her and she again brought her leg up thrusting her head up rapidly just in time to catch him square in the nose. This time she hit him with such force that he let go, allowing her to shove him off of her. She scrambled to her feet, rushing to the door as she fought to unlock it. He had her again, this time throwing her so violently that she bounced her head against the linoleum of the floor by his desk. Stunned, she lay still while he dropped to her, feeling as her pants were nearly removed and the panties were pushed aside.
'NOOOOOOO!!" She screamed as she tried to fight him again. She could feel the bolts of ice go through her with his penetration and thought she was going to be sick. "EcklieGodPlease..." She begged over and over again.
Exploding with a mixture of panic and adrenaline, Sara brought her head up again, catching him square on the nose one more time. He dropped from her, holding his hands over his bloody nose as she grabbed what clothes she had. She flung the door open and ran, rushing to the stairwell as she heard him yelling behind her. She did not hear what he said and continued to run not stopping until she had reached her car and sped out of the garage.
Gil was awoken by the sound of pounding. He opened his eyes to the darkness of the room, realizing the pounding was coming from his front door. He climbed out of bed and made his way to the front door, opening it tiredly without looking to see who was on the other side.
Sara rushed in, nearly knocking him over as she grabbed him, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she buried her head in his shoulder. She was sobbing uncontrollably, her entire body wracked with violent tremors.
He stood, shocked, momentarily, putting his arms around her as he placed one hand gently to her hair. "Shhh..." He soothed. "Honey...what's wrong?"
She didn't respond, her sobs continuing as she gasped for breath between them. "Hey..." He said, reaching over to turn the lamp on. "Hey..." He pushed her away slightly, stopping in horror as he saw her face. "Oh, my God...Sara..."
He wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her towards the couch, sitting down with her in his lap. "Sara..." He pulled away to look at her and felt a jolt of fear go through him. The side of her face was swollen and turning purple, her eye nearly swollen shut. Her neck was starting to show bruising characteristic to strangulation and her lip was cracked slightly. "Honey...Oh, God, honey...who did this? Who did this to you?"
She began sobbing again, shaking her head violently as she did so. Before he realized it, she began to heave and he moved quickly, rushing her into the bathroom where she vomited several times before collapsing to the floor.
She was rocking herself back and forth as he got her a wet towel, pressing it against her swollen cheek. "I didn't know where to go." She sobbed. "I didn't know what to do..."
He kneeled down next to her, holding the cloth against her skin. He examined her neck, noting that it was rapidly turning purple. Her blouse was nearly ripped from her body and he noticed she was trembling. Jumping up, he rushed quickly into the bedroom to bring her back a blanket, wrapping it around her as he stared at her. He could feel the rage build in him as he realized what had happened to her, how someone, some man, had hurt her. "Sara..."
"I couldn't stop him." She said softly. "I-I tried..." She took a deep breath to stabilize herself. "I...I ran...I." She started heaving again and he helped her to the toilet, where she vomited repeatedly before collapsing against the wall.
Gil brushed her hair away from her face, trying desperately to see her eyes as the pitted knot formed in his stomach. "Honey..." He begged, feeling tears in his eyes. "You were raped?"
Her response told him everything he needed to know. She began sobbing uncontrollably and became ill again almost immediately. He pulled her to him as she sobbed, letting the tremors in her body subside. "I want to take a shower..." She sniffled
"Honey, you can't" He told her softly. "We need to take you to the hospital; you need to be examined..."
She shook her head violently "NO!" She nearly yelled. "NO...nonono..."
He sighed "Who did this? Please, tell me who did this?"
She looked up at him, seeing the pain, the worry...the rage...in his eyes and she took a deep breath. "I can't..." She said quietly. "I didn't..." She was crying again and he scooped her into his strong arms, hushing her against her hair.
When she began slurring her speech, he drove her to the emergency room. Against her protests, the police had been notified and she ended up sitting across from Jim Brass, telling him repeatedly that she didn't know her assailant, that it was dark out and he grabbed her and she never saw his face.
He didn't believe her.