Sometimes you can't always get what you want. That's what my mom always told me. That's what everyone use to tell me. But they were wrong. I got everything and more…eternal life…love…family…friendship. Everything. But yet it's not enough. It's not what it's cracked up to be. There is still so many things I want back…Jacob for one…lately it seems that I need him now more then ever as Edward becomes more and more distant. I don't need him the way you think…I need him as a friend. A close friend would be nice right now because telling my family that…Alice…that…even though she already knows most likely…is just something I would like to keep between me and Edward and one other person besides the whole family likely knowing. No secret is left unturned in this household. I don't think I can last much longer. I am sitting here waiting for Edward to come…he had said around 8. It's now 11 and I'm still waiting in the same chair I have been in for 2 hours now. Completely still. The bloodlust isn't even having an affect on me and I haven't had a healthy dose of blood in about 2 weeks. Every now and then I would go drink off of something small. They usually tasted nasty but it was enough to tide me over. My eyes we a muddy brown almost too black from the thirst, but it was easy to ignore now. Everything was numb. I felt my dead heart sink as the clock struck 3 in the morning. I can here every gear in that old grandfather clock. I can hear the owl outside wing's flap. And I can hear someone coming home. Someone I wish that I could trust again. Maybe it was all in my mind. I did not know if he was seeing someone when he was "hunting" but I could always smell her scent on him. Her HUMAN scent. And it made me so unbearably mad and so hungry at the same time it made my head spin. But I never say anything. I don't know why…I'm afraid of fighting with him. I'm afraid of the look in his eye. Because he knows I know…and he refuses to tell me outright either. He's closer now. I can hear his hair move in the wind. And the slight rustle of the trees as he passes them, unnoticed by the herd of deer he just whipped by. And then the door opens. And he's right next to me smiling like nothing happened. "Hello, love." It's like he doesn't know I can smell everything. And I can see a wisp of her brown hair on his shoulder. He quickly flicks it off and kisses my cheek, "there was nothing good out tonight…just a few deer." I stop myself from slapping him. My eyes widen and I bite my lip "then why were you so late?" I can't stop myself from saying it. I don't know why I did I usually leave it alone. "I needed to clear my head and just run." It was a simple answer. If he didn't smell like her so much I would have believed it. I'm just that naïve. "oh…alright." I'm such a push over…I cant lose him and I know that he will deny it anger himself and anger me and it will be over…I need him…as sick as it is ill let us hurt ourselves and hate ourselves just to stay together. I hug him. Not breathing so it doesn't hurt as much and hold on tight. "I love you" I whisper. I hold on tighter begging him to say the words back. "I know." My arms around his neck loosen and I let go of him. He doesn't feel the same way. She stole him from me. I know he has said those words to her…and he feels guilty saying them to me after he has uttered them to her. I know he goes into HER window now…instead of mine. I'm not exciting anymore…or human. I'm just Bella. The girl that he loved so much…and then "needed to clear his head" from. I'm not the girl he needs anymore. She is. And I will let him have her…because I'm done with being selfish. I'm going to leave. And I'm going to tell him everything.
I can hear the shower running. I remember when I was human how I would try to picture him with water dripping down him with nothing on. I remember how much he loved my blush. My warmth. And I made him take it away so I could spend forever with him, I can see now that's not what he had in mind. 80 years later has proven that. If I was a human I would be long gone by now. He would be rid of me. But here I am. Still as young as I was 80 years ago, a youthful 18 year old. But I feel aged. I feel so tired…yet I can't sleep. I'm on auto pilot ever since I smelt her on him 6 months ago. But I never asked. It didn't make sense to me…he loved me, right? He said he did. He still says it every night. I remember when our nights where filled with passion…we couldn't stop. I had to be on him or him on me. I had to feel him everywhere, to know this was it. That this is who I get to spend my forever with…with Edward. And now…now we did nothing. He would read some book or make small talk. Then sometimes say that since he didn't find anything good he was going to check "one last time, love". I knew better, but I bit my tongue and nodded, a fake smile plastered on my lips. He and I both knew that he wasn't going to go catch a mountain lion only a couple minutes away. He must really love her. And I wasn't going to hurt him anymore. Because I loved him, and when you love someone…you should be able to put them before yourself. Should. I'm not very good at that, not at all, but I am going to try for him…and her. Yes, I didn't hate her. She made him happy…where I didn't. I was jealous of her, yes, but hate…never. I admired her. I even know what she looks like. She's a junior in high school…Edward's age…if you didn't count vampire years. Her hair was a little lighter then mine. Not a brunette, just a light brown. With dark blue eyes. She was very pretty; better then me in so many ways. She was creative…she was graceful. She was everything I was not when I was human. She didn't even smell like anything. Her blood was normal as could be. And her smile lit up a room. She wasn't shy, she joked with everyone was friends with everyone. She was "they type of girl you bring home to mom" but she did have one flaw. Which was her nose was just slightly to the right. To a human it would go unnoticed but I could see it. And as pathetic as it sounds, it sometimes comforted me. Because the only thing I like about myself enough to comment on, is my nose. The only thing in my body I have NOT broken. I even knew her name. Evelyn. Evelyn Rayols. But the one thing I admired about her…was that she was brave. She knew what Edward was, she had to know by now, and she was still with him. Still loving him every night. Not that I blame her, he was a fantastic lover. Very. She scored a good one that girl. And it broke my heart. And as I hear the shower switch off I hold my breath replaying all things Evelyn Rayols and putting myself even further into my "auto pilot" zone. And now he is changing, and I can see his perfection. And I burn it into my mind. The way the beads of water drip down his pale moonlight colored skin, the lean muscle as it moves languidly under it. And his smell. The musky sweet peachy minty whatever the hell smell it is that drove me insane. I ingrained it into my nose. He slips on his boxers and climbs into the bed, draping his hand across my waist as I turn my back and let him hold me one last time. I pretend this isn't happening to us for just a second, before I open my mouth to say something I won't ever be able to get back again. "I know about her." silence fills the air, his body is frozen, his grip tightens across my mid section. And then he exhales. "no." I don't know what the fuck he is saying. "Edward…its time that we both admit-"Bella, I said no. just leave it. You're just making this more then it really is. Its nothing, I would have told you, you know I would have, love" even more lies? I think those are what get me. He can lie so easily to me. Its unsettling…how much has he lied to me in these past years? "you would have if you loved me anymore." I turn to face him and his eyes are wide and frantic. "Bella, please, lets just not go over this she's just some-"Her name is Evelyn, Edward! I know her name! I know everything about her! And if you think this is something I'm just going to pass off again like I have been doing for the last six months, I can't Edward! We are not the same anymore. Or you aren't. I know you have been cheating on me with her. I know how you feel about her…and…an…it's OK. I accept that because I love you and what makes you happy…is what's right. I have been blind to others peoples needs. A monster. A true blue monster. But not anymore I'm going to stop this beast starting with you, because I love you more then anything in this world. Anything! And all I want…is for you to have that feeling again because if anymore deserves it Edward, it has to be you." The last sentence was slurred by my sob, it sounded so weak, and he just stared. His eyes holding so much fear. He hands reach out to touch my face but I flinch away not knowing where that hand has been on her, what it has done with her. "Please. PLEASE Edward." I yell at him and he just stays in his place his lips pale and his eyes like steel. "Bella…I'm the monster. I have always been the monster. Don't pass this onto your shoulders…because we all know how untrue it is. I remember when I first realized I loved you…I had to have you, you just had to be mine…and your mine now and I still cant get over it and you don't know the guilt Bella…shes…shes…like another you Bella" and then I smack him. My eyes widen. That stung. That hurt. Another me? I get out of the bed. His voice is cracking while he speaks "Love! Please, it's not how it was meant to come out, ill leave her. I don't need her. I-I just need…. Please?" he never sounded so confused and hurt. I have never slapped him before. And I felt the sudden urge to do it again. If he touches me he is going through the wall. "I love you, so much you have no idea…it hurts. But I can't explain it Bella. I love her so much it hurts to!" I close my eyes and let out a growl. I hadn't expected me to become so hostile. "Edward. Ill make it easy for you to choose, unlike you made it for me to choose with Jacob…since I couldn't share unlike you have been doing." He lets out a whimper, "I'm leaving. I'm getting the fuck out of here, away from you and your ugly lies and your beautiful face, and you'll never have to see me again. Because I'm done. Yet I still love you? It's so twisted. So messed up. Good bye Edward, because this is what's best, this is what you deserve. To be happy. What you haven't been in months when you're with me. Bye." "Bella" the word tumbles from his perfect mouth with no emotion. He eyes widen, looking so innocent. And then they tighten and he looks less like a little boy. He looks like a man now. His emotions leave him just like they did when he left me. And he lets me go with a tight nod. "I understand Bella. Thank you." I flinch at the thank you. "Thanks Bella! Now I'm going to go have sex with Evelyn without feeling guilt! Fuck yeah!" I let out a humorless laugh at the thought, and then I'm running. So fast. Faster then Edward I think. And I don't know where I'm going, all I know is…it's away from here. And from the pain. Maybe if a run fast enough it will never catch up to me.
Oh but it does. And it crashes onto me. I don't even know where I am…I don't really want to. I just want to…be. For once in my life I don't want to be anything. Not a vampire, not a human, not a goddamn dog just nothing. Nothing is a beautiful thing. Just blank and it's not white. It's not anything. It just is. I think heaven was nothing. You just were…nothing. I can't explain how it is, it just is. I didn't want to be bothered, I wanted to give into my animal side….just let this "vampire" rule me and do whatever the hell I want without constantly having to worry or think "would he think less of me?" I want to escape him. And I know…I know I won't be able to. I have tried over these hard months and each time I fail more horribly then the last. I know I'm going to check in on them. Because even though I say I'm not going to selfish anymore…anyone who knows me knows what a fat lie that is. Because I have to. I have to know if he wants me back or not. I might not check right away…but I will. And I think he knows it too maybe. Maybe he knows everything. How I'm feeling why I'm doing this…and maybe he's tracking me right now. And maybe when he finds me he will take me into his arms and say "it never happened" and we can forget about it and return to being Edward and Bella. I hope this is what happens, but this is life, not some Disney movie with a sweet confused princess and a charming gorgeous prince. This is life. And we all admit to ourselves at one point that it isn't exactly all that its cracked up to be. We lie to ourselves. Just like me and Edward have been doing. And I still continue to lie to myself, thinking he's coming for me when I know she's in his arms right now as he tells her they can finally be together…but I also know he's telling her how he feels. Something he never really did with me. I think that may be the thing I'm most jealous about. How he tells her everything. He doesn't mess with her brain like he did with me when I was human. He tells her everything. Like they are best friends. And that's how it should be. You shouldn't just love someone; you should love them as a friend too. And that is why I am going to find Jacob. Once I get my head on straight I'm going to find him. and me and him are going to…I don't know what we are going to do. Buts it's going to be great. Like old times. God I need some of those old times right now. Even more then I need blood, and that's saying a lot because as I speak I can feel the burn in my throat as I smell a human from 9 miles away. Humans. Should I drink from them now? Ah and their raises me questioning myself about what would he think" blah blah blah. I know what he would think. He would think "why did I do this to her..?" that's it. Always blaming himself. He needs to stop that. He needs someone to make him feel worthy. And I think she does. I guess I didn't try hard enough, didn't tell him how amazing he was. Because he is. Edward Cullen…is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and will ever meet. He's the type of person that once you get to know him…you become sucked in like a good book. You just can't stop reading into him and his brooding ways. That tortured poet thing he has going for him only adds to the effect. But he also has flaws. Not physically of course, he is a vampire. But he hates himself as much as he loves his family. He lives for them. He has no self worth. No self anything. And that's what I love about him in some sick fucked up way. I love that he hates himself…because that's what makes him human to me. Makes him Edward. And there will be no other man that will have my heart the way he did. The way he still does. No one can touch that special place. He is engraved into my soul. A little piece of me. I'm lying to myself again, a huge piece of me and my history. Edward Cullen, thank you. I love you. And I think I always will.