Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the words. The characters are the work of the literary goddess JE. All will be returned with the tags still

attached. I know what you're thinking. That's crazy, return Ranger?! Don't worry, he'll be worn and washed. Doesn't that violate store

policy? Hmmm… J Enjoy!

Song: "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie

Category: Babe

Big Girls Don't Cry

By Buttons

Summer time in Jersey could be hell, especially in Trenton. The heat is raw and drips with humidity that will soak you to your core. Your clothes get wet, your make-up sweats off and your hair frizzes a mile high. Attractive, I know. I'd like to say that despite its sweaty plight, at least Trenton is something to look at during the summer, but I'd be lying. The Trenton sky is hazy with the city's inner-workings and the landscape is mostly concrete buildings as far as the eye can see, unless you're in the suburban areas of Trenton. But if you've seen one suburb, you've seen them all. The thing is, if you knew how to deflect the heat, you could turn a horribly humid day into a happy memory. When I got in my Mini this morning that is exactly what I planned to do.

At the moment I was driving down Hamilton Avenue after just leaving my apartment to grab my bikini and continue down the road towards Point Pleasant. I think I just needed a nice day laying by the beach. No one there to yell at me, strap bombs to me, try to trick me into babysitting devil offspring or lecture me to get married--Just me, the beach, and my new Victoria's Secret bikini that didn't leave much room for any secrets. I had all the windows down enjoying a very nice breeze and a mix CD Lula gave me blaring. I imagined myself quite the vision in my Mini with my hair whipping around my face as I lip-synced to Loverboy's "Everybody's Working for the Weekend."

As we all know, heat has a funny way of making everyone overly aggressive and putting them in perpetually bad moods. In Trenton, angry people in bad moods tend to overstep their boundaries and break the law… A lot. So these are usually the times where the Bonds office is booming and my attendance is required most. Which meant in order for me to escape my heated fate with humidity and enjoy the beach, I'd have to pass up catching skips today. Oh darn! I turned the speakers up as the new Fergie song was broadcasted and I secretly did a little dance inside remembering how horrible it was to roll around in the dumpster outside Giovichinni's when Joe was a skip. At the thought of Joe, my body tense. I felt my jaw muscles and my grip on the steering wheel tighten as I remembered this morning.

Da Da Da Da

I had woken up screaming out Ranger's name, again. This happened often. The nightmares, the screaming and then the solid ten minutes of sobbing that followed. I had nightmares of that night when Ranger walked through the door and Scrog fired the bullets that almost ended Ranger's life. Nightmares I can handle. Doughnuts and denial worked pretty well at shoving the nightmares aside for another night. The only problem was that I was waking up in Morelli's bed screaming Ranger's name.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now

You're probably on your flight back to your home town

Nothing was going on between Joe and me. I had been staying with him for three weeks now and we had yet to touch more than a hug and a quick kiss. I had said I loved him but also managed to freeze any progress in our relationship at the same time. He wanted me in his bed and I just didn't want to be alone. I wanted to feel safe. My being there had nothing to do with Joe, per se. As much as I hated to admit it, it had more to do with Ranger leaving town the day after I brought him the cake. I knew this and I knew Joe knew this. I felt terribly about it, but it was thrown into the huge box of all the other things we don't talk about, or won't talk about.

I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

"Jesus Christ, Stephanie. How much longer is this going to go on?" Joe asked leaning against the kitchen counter to pour a cup of coffee. I could tell he was referring to the almost nightly performance of my nightmares.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

"I'm sorry, Joe. I'll try and get my mind to make up a schedule so you aren't so bothered with my problems." I snapped back, lowering myself to the kitchen table, dropping my overnight bag at my feet. I never kept things at Joe's anymore. I just went back every few days to the apartment to restock my bag. This irritated him but I didn't want to admit to him that is was the only way I could ensure I had a reason to go back to my apartment when I needed to get away from him and our relationship.

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

"He's alive, Steph. What is there still to cry about?" Joe said angrily slamming his coffee cup down and spilling his coffee all over the counter. I flinched and lowered my eyes to the floor. This was a routine for us. It started when Joe realized I wasn't going to be jumping on his sex-marathon band wagon. Our mornings and evenings were full of awkward silences and tense conversations that usually ended in him yelling and breaking something and me screaming and bursting into tears. "I can't wait around forever, Stephanie," he said quietly. I knew he meant about me wanting to marry him and start the family he's talked so much about the past few weeks.

I stood slowly and placed my bag strap over my shoulder. "I can't expect you to," I said at almost a whisper, surprising myself even. I started to walk toward the front door when I heard his voice.

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown

"What's that supposed to mean?" He said with a hint of anger and a dash of fear to his voice. I turned to see him looking at me with his dark chocolate eyes pleading me not to say what was on the tip of my tongue. I sighed and my heart felt heavy.

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

"It means I can't expect you to wait for me to change into who you want me to be, Joe." My voice sounded so sad that I almost didn't recognize it. I expected my mind to be buzzing with things like, "Oh my god, what did I just say?" and "How can I resume damage control on this one?" But it felt right and I just let it be. Tears slowly traced their way down my cheeks to rest on my jaw before disappearing into the cotton fabric of my tank top.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

"Cupcake?" Joe said questioningly. He walked toward me and stretched his arms to pull me into them but I resisted. "Please Cupcake, let me-" His voice caught in his throat. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." His eyes were red and looked like he was going to start to produce tears of his own. "Let me save you, Stephanie. Let me protect you." He said begging me to stay with him. I slowly shook my head.

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

"Joe." I let him hold me this time and embrace me like it was our last, as it probably would be. "I think it's time I picked myself up for once." He let me go with sorrow, pain, and regret reflected on his face. "I love you," I said painfully. I placed a hand softly on his cheek and he turned into it while silent tears made their way down his face. It was true. I loved Joe. I wasn't sure if I was in love with him though. I knew I was in love with Ranger. "Goodbye Joe." I gave him a soft kiss on the lips, savoring every second of it, before stepping back and walking out his front door and out on our future together.

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds

I was brought back to the present by the sound of several people leaning on their horn and yelling at me and realized I had been sitting at a green light. I wiped my tears and put my foot on the gas passing the intersection right before the yellow light appeared. Although I was sad that what Joe and I had was over, I was left with an over whelming sense of relief. I felt in control of my life for the first time in years. I felt like I could fly. I didn't know what was ahead of me but I knew it had to be better than what I was settling for. I wiped the last tears from my eyes and no longer felt the need to cry for Joe. I didn't feel the need to cry for anything.

But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

And at that moment I knew what I was going to do. I wasn't far out of town and took the first U-turn I could, far be it from me to care if it was illegal or not. I drove the familiar path to Haywood Street and used my gate key to get access into the parking garage while giving the camera guys a finger wave. I was suddenly full of fire and courage and knew nothing was going to stop me from what I was planning next. I was overwhelmed with excitement as I made my way to the 5th floor of the Rangeman building, taking the stairs as fast as I could. The men who saw me enter the command center waved and a few got up to hug me in greeting so I slowed to a walk to allow them to do so and still move at a quick pace.

"Hey Bombshell!" Lester said, running up beside me and slinging an arm around my neck. "Whatcha doing here on such a fine day? Couldn't stay away from my charms could you?" He clucked his tongue and shook his head. I smiled but kept on task.

"Tank?" I asked a one word question and inwardly smiled at the thought of Ranger. Lester pointed to Ranger's office and I ran down the hall to Ranger's office, like I just couldn't get there faster. The door was shut but I burst in anyhow. He mumbled something in audible to the phone and put it back on the hook then quickly rose to his feet as if alarmed.

"Everything alright, Bombshell?" His eyes had concern in them but I ignored it.

"Where is he?" I asked with breathing fast from running and a smile on my face. I assumed it was obviously written on my face who I meant and why because he smiled back.

"'Bout damn time…" Tank said.


I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da